To tell DS I won't take him for his driving test later (vile behaviour related!)

[boyohboys]

Massive argument with DS 17 this morning started over him ignoring a very simple request I'd made. I came downstairs saw he'd ignored me so asked again. He continued to refuse, I insisted, he got sweary & vile and I shouted very loud and stomped off muttering what an ungrateful & selfish shit he was and how I would remember this next time he wanted a favour.

So, he has his driving test after school tonight, it's out of area & needs me to get him there - it's a 3 hour round trip so not insignificant favour either! I'm thinking I should message him to say given this morning's debacle I won't be taking you to your test this evening so either cancel or get yourself there (not really an option unless he can find a mate to take him!)

Next available test isn't until February & not taking him will escalate an already frosty relationship even further. Added to which this sort of thing stand-off has happened before & I've followed through on threats or imposed sanctions but nothing changes and he continues to think it's everyone else at fault (me, his dad, school, etc ) and be generally unpleasant.

YANBU: don't take him: he doesn't deserve the favour. End of conversation.
YABU: take him: don't escalate it further and it won't change anything long term but do impose other sanctions/punishment instead (?)

Agree with your last post, OP. And they are exquisitely sensitive to their own feelings, not so much to the feelings of others.. … particularly parents

This. If he passes his test, he will likely be desperate to use the car so use of the car can be the carrot to improve behaviour and attitude.

also - if you are helping fund the lessons, delaying could cost a lot more.

it’s not the hill I’d chose to die on

Fucking petty cunt is pretty hurtful from your own son but I do see what you're saying and trying to take it on board.

you already know imposing quite a drastic punishment isn’t going to fix the problem.

You have to take a long term approach to fixing the relationship. There’s quite a good book called ‘how to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk’ which has good advice for a fractious relationship. His horrible behaviour is a symptom of the underlying disconnect; unless you can mend that, his behaviour won’t improve and things will always be like this.

I'd take him to the test but not sure I'd be encouraging and nice on the journey. I think I'd turn the radio on and stay quiet.

I was just about to comment and say I would take him (primarily because it’s unfair on his driving instructor!) but having seen this update I might have changed my mind.

I do understand the argument that not taking him could well damage your relationship further, but I also worry that he’s going to continue being abusive to you if he thinks he can get away with it. Because that’s what that language is.

It's such an important thing that no, I wouldn't refuse to take him.

Is he normally like this, or could he be acting out because he's nervous about his test? I tend to get grumpy and irritable when I'm anxious.

Honestly, I would do nothing extra and pay for nothing above and beyond his basics moving forward. I'd be clear I'm driving you to the test because it cost a lot of money beyond this don't ask me for anything unless you change your attitude and talk to me with respect. He called you a cunt. How dare he.

^This.

Choose another day to get your revenge on your hormonal teenager!

I agree it’s awful behaviour. But today is not the day.

I think you’d be punishing him because you’re angry and it would make you feel in control or make you feel a bit better that you’ve stood up for yourself.

Not because it would actually help the situation and improve his behaviour. And I think you’d feel really guilty afterwards, which will put you on the back foot and give him ammunition when you’re trying to address his behaviour afterwards.

Awww yes. Poor little lamb, I don’t blame him for calling his mum a cunt. He’s so stressed at 17 living with his mum having his arsed wiped, bless him.

<not the point but> are there really places where you can book driving tests 2 months ahead??? <thinks about moving>

OP I would take him but only because I don’t think refusing to will make him respect you or be more considerate in future. There would definitely be sanctions. I would be absolutely gutted if my child spoke to me like this. Hugs to you 💐

Who has paid for lessons? If it is you, your are cutting off your nose to spite your face.

I would plan to take him but wait for him to ask for the lift. Then say, don't you have something you would like to say to me? And demand a proper apology and appreciation for the favour you are doing him.
Once more instance of being called a cunt and it's spare room.com for him.

My parents were always clear to me that I could swear all I liked but if I ever swore AT them, there would be hell to pay. If my son called me a cunt, he'd be handed a train timetable and be told to get himself to his driving test and out of my sight.

@Ploctopus you're right there is a huge disconnect but I don't know how to fix it 😔. I'm conscious he's turning 18 soon so there is a risk he'll either just move out or I'll end up ask him to leave and that will be the end of our relationship which honestly breaks my heart.

Not sure why or even when things went wrong but he's a very angry young man and I do worry about not only our relationship but his future relationships as he really has very little respect for women or authority.

OP this is exactly the type of scenario I have with my DS, he is obnoxious and rude, curses at me and is a little shit sometimes, just a year younger than yours. Usually he is worse if he has a big match coming up, so I have often been tempted to refuse a lift to training or the match itself. I think it would be unfair on balance so I never took it this far, but i have often driven in silence with him and then had a row the next day, its hard but I think its the best option.

Sometimes I refuse to do stuff for him at home that I normally do, this drives him mad. I usually make his lunch so he has to do that for a week, or he has to cook his own dinner, or get a bus somewhere that I could easily drive him. Its not a big punishment but a series of little annoying ones, that seems to be most effective for us. The cursing is terrible, everytime we berate him for cursing he starts shouting back so its totally counterproductive. He curses when he is upset or stressed, so again it really is a case of coming back to it when he isn't so strung out. He is hard work.

No - this was booked ages ago and it was this one today miles away or next one in Feb. No idea if that's even available now - highly unlikely probably looking April/May time.

His behaviour sounds terrible and definitely not on. Strong and consistent sanctions needs to be imposed and followed through with.

BUT

Driving tests are soooo hard to come by with the backlog. I would take him as it’s an important skill. If it was your child’s GCSE, you’d still take them into school to sit it.

YANBU. It's his driving test, sure, but he should have thought about the distance to travel for it before acting like a little shite. Tough love. He needs to act like a grown-up if he thinks he is one.

I know he needs to realise his behaviour is totally unacceptable but I don't think it's fair to not take him for his driving lesson!

Oh 100% - I have tons of empathy. It’s so difficult to deal with.

Solidarity to you. There is no chance I'd be taking him to anywhere less significant and he has missed football training in the past and many a time had to get a bus home instead of a lift etc.

This is very worrying. There are so many angry/ inconsiderate men being pumped into society with women being left to deal with it in relationships. What do we do to tackle this situation???