"Besides, I want to do things for him - he's my son and I love him regardless. I want to see him succeed and help him learn these important life skills so sometimes I will bite my tongue or ignore things he should probably be doing (clean bedroom for example - not a hill I'm going to die on!)"
@boyohboys I don't mean to be insulting, but you are overwrought and understandably upset and confused, so I hope you know that I don't mean this horribly or judgementally at all, but does your son know how you feel about him, have you told him what you told us in that couple of sentences above? If you haven't told him that recently, could you write it down physically on either proper letter paper, or in a nice card, so that if he - maybe secretly - wants to keep it, he can hide it away somewhere.
Even if you have said this to him as well in the past, can you let him know - but not in the same letter - that even though you knew he was a teenager and would therefore become more challenging (they are actually supposed to be challenging within the safety of their own homes, that is how they learn - in their safe environment - what is and what isn't acceptable behaviour at home, and outside when mixing with other people. They do a similar thing with their friends and peers, with probably rather different behaviour), just like teenagers are supposed to do, as you did, and how his Dad did etc, you were concerned that his behaviour was, and is, maybe more intense than you were expecting, and whether there is a serious reason for that?
You obviously want him to know that you are always there for him to talk to, and get things off his chest to. And that even if he has done things he knows you would disapprove of, like smoking, drinking, even taking drugs, he can tell you without you loving him any less, or without you being disappointed in him (even if you are a bit), as you can just about remember being that age once, and we all did silly or irresponsible things sometimes. In fact even now, we come no-where near to perfection in our parenting skills. Maybe you could then ask him as gently as possible - but without being soppy - if there is anything that he feels is going seriously, and/or scaringly wrong in his life right now, or if he has any serious concerns about the future?
I personally, as a mother of adult sons myself, could not have been as strict as you seem to have been with your teenage son - I am not saying that you are wrong, your family and what is important to you, is not my family and what is important to me - I can only give you examples of what I was like with my teenagers.
I did not nag complain to them about the state of their rooms, if they wanted to live in untidy and even slightly dirty bedrooms, that was up to them, but if their bedrooms began to smell, or grow mould etc, then they knew that I would go in there, and I would throw out anything that looked too disgusting or smelled too bad, and they knew that I might remove something temporarily from their room - a threat of me removing some kind of their technology always seemed to work (thankfully I never had to follow through on it, but then I would give a few reminders, or maybe I was just very lucky!).
They also knew that if they wanted me to make them a meal then I needed clean plates and glasses from their rooms, so if they let them build up a bit in their rooms - which did happen quite frequently - I would not have anything to put their dinners on, so they needed to collect and hand wash some crockery etc very quickly (before the food got cold), then they could put the rest of their dishes in the dishwasher. The same happened with their clothes, they could leave them festering on their bedroom floors if they wanted, I wouldn't moan, but I also wouldn't go into their rooms and collect them and wash them for them. If they wanted me to clean their clothes they needed to put them in the linen bin in the bathroom, before they started smelling... Otherwise they had to do their own laundry. They were taught how to use the washing machine when they were about 14 years old.
I really didn't have many other rules when they were teenagers, they had about a 15 to 20 minute leeway for getting home at night, but once they went over that limit they might not be allowed to go out at all the next time, unless they had a good excuse reasonfor being late. I wouldn't have been as strict as you were OP the time you stopped him from going to a friends special party, especially as it was straight after a Covid lockdown had finished, so I suppose I think that you did make the wrong decision then, sorry. One more tactic that I sonetimes tried, left over from their infant days, was to ask them what punishment they thought they should have after breaking one rule or another. If you do try that, and he tells you "he doesn'tdeserve a punishment", then please ask him why he thinks that, and listen to his answer before you decide whether he is wrong or not.
Please consider what I am about to say before you dismiss it. Could you maybe admit to him that this parenting malarky didn't come with a rule book, we didn't have to be taught about, or take any exams in, "how to be the best parent we can be, or even how to be a reasonably adequate one", before we were "allowed" to procreate. So the absolutely hardest and yet most rewarding job, and the most important job, we are ever going to have to do in our lifetimes - that of being a parent - is left to little more than chance. Poor babies, poor children, poor teenagers, poor adults, ie poor us!
I really hope that you can very quickly get back to where you want to be with your dear son boyohboys. Sometimes if we are really lucky, they can turn back into our recognisable, loving, sons again just as quickly as they turned into snarling, fighting, ungrateful slobs 🙏🙏🧡
PS. Things could have changed drastically since I started to write this, as I write/type (on my phone with one finger, and taking breaks) very slowly. I hope that they have changed, and for the better.