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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell DS I won't take him for his driving test later (vile behaviour related!)

247 replies

boyohboys · 06/12/2023 12:22

Massive argument with DS 17 this morning started over him ignoring a very simple request I'd made. I came downstairs saw he'd ignored me so asked again. He continued to refuse, I insisted, he got sweary & vile and I shouted very loud and stomped off muttering what an ungrateful & selfish shit he was and how I would remember this next time he wanted a favour.

So, he has his driving test after school tonight, it's out of area & needs me to get him there - it's a 3 hour round trip so not insignificant favour either! I'm thinking I should message him to say given this morning's debacle I won't be taking you to your test this evening so either cancel or get yourself there (not really an option unless he can find a mate to take him!)

Next available test isn't until February & not taking him will escalate an already frosty relationship even further. Added to which this sort of thing stand-off has happened before & I've followed through on threats or imposed sanctions but nothing changes and he continues to think it's everyone else at fault (me, his dad, school, etc ) and be generally unpleasant.

YANBU: don't take him: he doesn't deserve the favour. End of conversation.
YABU: take him: don't escalate it further and it won't change anything long term but do impose other sanctions/punishment instead (?)

OP posts:

Caravaggiouch · 06/12/2023 13:17

Take him for the test, but don’t buy him a car or put him on your insurance. If he doesn’t have the self control to refrain from calling his mother a cunt, he doesn’t have the self control to drive responsibly.

OhComeOnFFS · 06/12/2023 13:18

Will he be going away to uni?

Today I would grit my teeth and take him as I always think you shouldn't punish your child with something that's going to hurt you more, and if he's sulking and swearing over not going for his test you'll be driven demented.

Original poster

boyohboys · 06/12/2023 13:21

5128gap · 06/12/2023 13:13

Your DS has not gone overnight from a decent respectful young man to a rude inconsiderate and verbally abusive one. His behaviour this morning is part of an issue that's been a long time in the making, starting with the very first time he 'got away' with swearing and name calling you, and ending with where you are now.
My point being, just as he didn't become this obnoxious person overnight, nor will you cure him with this gesture. Nor is it entirely fair after allowing this behaviour to become the norm to suddenly decide on consequences of this magnitude. Personally I'd take him for his test, but I'd be very clear that it wasn't 'business as usual' and all forgiven and forgotten, and that there were going to be some changes. Explicitly, if he does X or Y again, A or B will be the consequences. And stick to that.

So what is this sanction that will suddenly work? In all seriousness, I'm at a loss. I can remember the first time he swore at me I was so shocked as we're not a swearing family (ha!) He was grounded for a week and missed his best mates birthday party which was their first social opportunity since lockdown so pretty significant - he really wasn't allowed to get away with it but the more I punish the angrier he gets. I agree now he does just get away with me telling him it's hurtful/unpleasant and maybe refusing a lift or similar but honestly, constant battles are exhausting and horrible for his siblings and seem to get us nowhere.

OP posts:

viques · 06/12/2023 13:21

In this case I think in terms of potential life skills and the time and money that has been sunk into the test you need to see it as as important as taking him somewhere for say an AL exam and take him. It won’t stop him being an ungrateful little scrote, but then again not taking him to the test won’t change his scroteness either.

Snuffey · 06/12/2023 13:21

Do you have the option of taking him there and then leaving so he has to make his own way home? Then you haven't "sabotaged" his test, but you have sent a clear message that he can't treat you like this.

jimbort · 06/12/2023 13:23

It sounds like you have already been trying to deal with his behaviour. I was going to say not unreasonable to not take him to his test. Maybe he needs a shock to stop him in his tracks. I think I'd be asking him how he is going to apologise to me to ensure I take him to his test. Put the ball in his court to moderate his behaviour.

SarahShorty · 06/12/2023 13:24

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 06/12/2023 13:08

I wouldn’t cook or clean for, or otherwise engage with, anyone who called me this until they apologised.

^ This.

Take him, if he passes his test he'll be able to drive and maybe more independent?

Are you mad? You think that the Op should reward him for calling her a cunt by providing him with a car?! Whether he passes or fails I'd be telling him that in future he can work out his own bloody transport.

Make him his mum's chauffeur.

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 06/12/2023 13:25

I'd also take him to his test but I'd leave him to make his own way back!

Illgotothefootofourstairs · 06/12/2023 13:26

message him…..” in the light of your appalling behaviour this morning, give me one good reason why I should take you to your driving test tonight “.
might make him think.

Chanhedforthis · 06/12/2023 13:27

I wouldn't take him. Make him take public transport or he can find someone else to take him. It's a driving test not surgery, he can learn a bloody lesson.

Gettingbysomehow · 06/12/2023 13:28

The only way he will listen to you in the future is if you refuse to take him today because of his behaviour and make sure he knows this is why you are not taking him. He needs to learn that actions have consequences.

ExcitingRicotta · 06/12/2023 13:31

DuploTrain · 06/12/2023 12:37

You don’t think that his behaviour this morning was perhaps influenced by the stress of his driving test looming?

Letting him down on a lift to such an important thing last minute will really damage your relationship - possibly forever. I don’t think I’d see my parents the same way if they’d done something like that to me (even if I was being a complete shit).

Of course his behaviour is not acceptable and needs to be addressed but wait till after his test!

This! Did you think about how he might be feeling this morning ?

GingerScallop · 06/12/2023 13:31

I agree.

its not about avoiding world war 3 or being afraid of loosing your bond. Its about showing him you love him unconditionally and will support him achieving his goals.
only thing i would say is dont broach the issue today. he might pass or fail but let today be about him and you supporting him. Tomorrow discuss it with a cool head

MumblesParty · 06/12/2023 13:31

Teenagers are a nightmare at times aren’t they OP. I don’t think anyone has a miracle solution. We just muddle through until they hopefully grow out of it.

As you have decided, I would still take him to the test, but I would speak to him on the way there. I’d ask him calmly if he thought that it was Ok to call his mother a cunt, especially on a day she was doing him a huge favour. I’d probably say we’re not going to argue about it now, because he’s about to do his driving test, but that he needs to have a serious think about the way he behaves.

I find that fighting fire with fire, and issuing increasingly harsh punishments, just seems to escalate the situation. I prefer to try and make them reflect and then feel guilty about how they speak to me!

My 18 year old, who was pretty vile at 17, now tells my 14 year old off if he’s rude to me!

salamirose · 06/12/2023 13:32

boyohboys · 06/12/2023 13:09

Thanks all really appreciate the advice and comments.

So, plan is take him as planned. I wont be discussing this morning or asking for an apology beforehand as I know I won't get one & we'll be back to square one. (He literally never believes he's done wrong and says it's me going on about stuff that causes the argument and refuses to accept that him not doing silly little things esculates into totally unnecessary arguments)

Once he's back in the car I will be speaking to him and yes of course telling him it's not acceptable and no I won't be ferrying him around/paying for his car insurance depending on outcome of test or anything else that is 'doing a favour'. Sure he'll be nicer for a while until a few days/weeks/months (who knows?!) either something will be stressing him and he'll take it out on me or, I'll ask him to do something he doesn't want to do and then we'll have a ranty argument again. Sigh.

Given your updates (I don't think I'd got the right idea of how angry he is intitally) I wouldn't raise it in the car. You need to be able to get away from him if he turns violent

commonground · 06/12/2023 13:32

If it were local I would agree but because this was a much sooner option I offered to finish work early, pick him up from school and drive him to another test centre miles away , hang around and then drive back on the motorway in rush hour so 3 hours is probably optimistic which is definitely more than a normal mum & dad thing IMO. Of course I'd take him to school for exams etc

Ok, so the issue is here - He has no choices in this pre-arranged situation which you offered and agreed to.

In future, you can make plans that don't rely on your help if that help is going to be conditional on his behaviour.

That might mean him booking a more convenient but later test (if he fails!)

stayathomegardener · 06/12/2023 13:34

Personally he doesn't sound mature or calm enough to be driving safely so I wouldn't be worried if his test was delayed and on that basis wouldn't take him.

Original poster

boyohboys · 06/12/2023 13:35

Gettingbysomehow · 06/12/2023 13:28

Oh believe me he does - his friends still talk about the time I pulled over 3.5 miles from home and told him to get out of the car & walk home for speaking to me in such a horrible way. There have been so many consequences - he will moan (but he will suck it up - he'd rather walk 3.5 miles than say sorry!)

OP posts:

salamirose · 06/12/2023 13:35

ExcitingRicotta · 06/12/2023 13:31

This! Did you think about how he might be feeling this morning ?

Show quote history

I don't care how stressed or anxious you are you don't call someone a cunt and then expect a lift

ActDottie · 06/12/2023 13:35

I’d probably take him but I’d make him sweat a bit.

Maybe say he’ll have to find a friend to take him, which you said is unlikely, then swoop in last minute to take him.

fiftiesmum · 06/12/2023 13:36

It sounds like his behaviour isn't new so why did you pay for his driving lessons in the first place. He doesn't sound mature enough to be in charge of a potentially lethal weapon so may not be such a bad thing if he doesn't pass.
I hope you don't fall into the trap of buying him a car and paying for the insurance. He is a schoolboy for heavens sake

OhwhyOY · 06/12/2023 13:38

mollyfolk · 06/12/2023 12:28

Oh take him. Be nice and encouraging. Then on the way home in the car I’d say something like how much he upset you this morning and that you were so upset that you started to wonder if you were a bit of a fool rearranging your day to take him to the test. But that you decided to take him because you love him and your always on his side. But again - how not on his behaviour is with the ignoring and swearing ect… and see what he says.

I just think protecting your relationship is the most important thing while still holding the boundary that he can’t treat you like that.

This. Tell him what he almost lost but show how much you love him and used that love to put him first, like he could/should be doing for you with his behaviour.

ExcitingRicotta · 06/12/2023 13:38

salamirose · 06/12/2023 13:35

I don't care how stressed or anxious you are you don't call someone a cunt and then expect a lift

Show quote history

I don’t disagree, he clearly needs to apologise and own his inappropriate behaviour (and hopefully grow up at some point soon) but I can’t help but wonder if it wouldn’t have escalated to this point if she’d been a bit more aware of how he might have been feeling. Perhaps not a morning to be reminding him to do a small task.

FrasierReboot · 06/12/2023 13:39

Oooh 'sweary and vile'

Pass the smelling salts

Ohnoooooooo · 06/12/2023 13:39

"I shouted very loud and stomped off muttering what an ungrateful & selfish shit he was and how I would remember this next time he wanted a favour."
Is this post for real?
If it is, you might want to look in the mirror as to why your son does not speak nicely to you.

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