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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DS I won't take him for his driving test later (vile behaviour related!)

247 replies

boyohboys · 06/12/2023 12:22

Massive argument with DS 17 this morning started over him ignoring a very simple request I'd made. I came downstairs saw he'd ignored me so asked again. He continued to refuse, I insisted, he got sweary & vile and I shouted very loud and stomped off muttering what an ungrateful & selfish shit he was and how I would remember this next time he wanted a favour.

So, he has his driving test after school tonight, it's out of area & needs me to get him there - it's a 3 hour round trip so not insignificant favour either! I'm thinking I should message him to say given this morning's debacle I won't be taking you to your test this evening so either cancel or get yourself there (not really an option unless he can find a mate to take him!)

Next available test isn't until February & not taking him will escalate an already frosty relationship even further. Added to which this sort of thing stand-off has happened before & I've followed through on threats or imposed sanctions but nothing changes and he continues to think it's everyone else at fault (me, his dad, school, etc ) and be generally unpleasant.

YANBU: don't take him: he doesn't deserve the favour. End of conversation.
YABU: take him: don't escalate it further and it won't change anything long term but do impose other sanctions/punishment instead (?)

OP posts:
caringcarer · 06/12/2023 12:55

SerpentEndBench · 06/12/2023 12:28

He might well have been nervous this morning hence taking it out on you. I would take him.

Be calm. Let him focus on the test, it will be dark when he is undertaking it so extra stressful perhaps.

Don't escalate. I know the temptation to punish is strong but cancelling taking him at such short notice thus pushing him into cancelling his test is disproportionate, imo.

Don't model sweary and vile, no need to stomp around shouting and muttering, you're the adult, v hard I know. BTDT.

Take him and don't upset him before his test. He might yet apologise to you as he's had time to reflect. Also if he passes you won't have to ferry him around anymore so don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

Nanny0gg · 06/12/2023 12:56

caringcarer · 06/12/2023 12:55

Take him and don't upset him before his test. He might yet apologise to you as he's had time to reflect. Also if he passes you won't have to ferry him around anymore so don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

Show quote history

I'd be buggered if I'd be providing a car (his or mine) if I was being treated like that.

I'd take him to his test but anything further needs earning

Zingy123 · 06/12/2023 12:56

@Autumnleaves89 but his Mum calling him a shit is okay?

ManateeFair · 06/12/2023 12:59

Surely it's in your interests for him to pass his driving test at the earliest opportunity? You'd be cutting off your nose to spite your face if you don't take him. Pick some other battle.

plumtreebroke · 06/12/2023 12:59

Tell him you will take him to his driving test if he apologises for his horrible behaviour this morning and does whatever it was you asked him to do. Put the ball back in his court! Also put him on warning that this type of behaviour is not acceptable.

WowOK · 06/12/2023 12:59

Zingy123 · 06/12/2023 12:56

@Autumnleaves89 but his Mum calling him a shit is okay?

He called his mum a cunt. My mum would have beat me into next week. I wouldn't have been able to sit to take a driving test. Calling him a shit is mild.

Jaxhog · 06/12/2023 13:00

Come on, you're the adult here. Teenagers are vile, but you don't need to behave like one too. Take him to his test.

user1492757084 · 06/12/2023 13:00

Take him to the test but never allow him privileges of driving the car unless he stops this disgusting treatment of you.

He needs to be able to control swearing and being disrespectul. He needs to be able to do helpful tasks too or he will never make a good employee or a good spouse.

poetryandwine · 06/12/2023 13:03

boyohboys · 06/12/2023 12:39

Fucking petty cunt is pretty hurtful from your own son but I do see what you're saying and trying to take it on board.

This is absolutely unacceptable. After this driving test it would be a cold day in hell at my house, if this were my child.

Is DH on your side regarding this language?

I wouldn’t cook or clean for, or otherwise engage with, anyone who called me this until they apologised.

mrlistersgelfbride · 06/12/2023 13:03

Take him, if he passes his test he'll be able to drive and maybe more independent?
If you don't take him it'll be more of the same behaviour tonight and for the next few days no doubt.
Think of something else he can do to make this up to you. Play the long game.

mrlistersgelfbride · 06/12/2023 13:04

Also, I vividly remember shouting at my mum on the day of my driving test over something minor, as I was nervous. I passed.

Hope your son does too.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/12/2023 13:08

mollyfolk · 06/12/2023 12:28

Oh take him. Be nice and encouraging. Then on the way home in the car I’d say something like how much he upset you this morning and that you were so upset that you started to wonder if you were a bit of a fool rearranging your day to take him to the test. But that you decided to take him because you love him and your always on his side. But again - how not on his behaviour is with the ignoring and swearing ect… and see what he says.

I just think protecting your relationship is the most important thing while still holding the boundary that he can’t treat you like that.

@mollyfolk is spot on, @boyohboys. This is what I’d do.

Hardtime · 06/12/2023 13:08

Drive him to his test and a failure is on him, don't and any failure is on you.
Fight this battle another time.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 06/12/2023 13:08

I wouldn’t cook or clean for, or otherwise engage with, anyone who called me this until they apologised.

^ This.

Take him, if he passes his test he'll be able to drive and maybe more independent?

Are you mad? You think that the Op should reward him for calling her a cunt by providing him with a car?! Whether he passes or fails I'd be telling him that in future he can work out his own bloody transport.

Original poster
boyohboys · 06/12/2023 13:09

Thanks all really appreciate the advice and comments.

So, plan is take him as planned. I wont be discussing this morning or asking for an apology beforehand as I know I won't get one & we'll be back to square one. (He literally never believes he's done wrong and says it's me going on about stuff that causes the argument and refuses to accept that him not doing silly little things esculates into totally unnecessary arguments)

Once he's back in the car I will be speaking to him and yes of course telling him it's not acceptable and no I won't be ferrying him around/paying for his car insurance depending on outcome of test or anything else that is 'doing a favour'. Sure he'll be nicer for a while until a few days/weeks/months (who knows?!) either something will be stressing him and he'll take it out on me or, I'll ask him to do something he doesn't want to do and then we'll have a ranty argument again. Sigh.

OP posts:
Lancasterel · 06/12/2023 13:09

I don’t condone the behaviour at all but I don’t see taking him to his driving test as a favour - if you were taking him to a different exam, A Level etc, you wouldn’t see it as a favour! It’s just a mum/dad thing to do!

commonground · 06/12/2023 13:11

If you don't take him, he's not suddenly going to see the light, say I'm really sorry and it will never happen again. So you will have a resentful and driverless teen on your hands. Take him gladly, encourage him, hope he passes, tick it off as another step on the road to independence and know that you are gently (or maybe not so) pushing him out of the nest.

FarmGirl78 · 06/12/2023 13:11

I would take him for his driving test. And then rather than wait until he's finished I'd just come straight home again. And so he'll either come out joyous and proud wanting to tell you, or cheesed off and angry wanting reassurance from you. Either way you won't be there. You'll be at home already, nice and warm, with your feet up having a brew.

Ungrateful little shit can make his own way home if doesn't appreciate his own mother.

Chipsahoyagain · 06/12/2023 13:12

Iheartmysmart · 06/12/2023 12:25

I would take him but make it very clear that his behaviour is completely unacceptable and he really doesn’t deserve such an enormous favour.

Like that's going to mean anything lol.

5128gap · 06/12/2023 13:13

Your DS has not gone overnight from a decent respectful young man to a rude inconsiderate and verbally abusive one. His behaviour this morning is part of an issue that's been a long time in the making, starting with the very first time he 'got away' with swearing and name calling you, and ending with where you are now.
My point being, just as he didn't become this obnoxious person overnight, nor will you cure him with this gesture. Nor is it entirely fair after allowing this behaviour to become the norm to suddenly decide on consequences of this magnitude. Personally I'd take him for his test, but I'd be very clear that it wasn't 'business as usual' and all forgiven and forgotten, and that there were going to be some changes. Explicitly, if he does X or Y again, A or B will be the consequences. And stick to that.

Original poster
boyohboys · 06/12/2023 13:13

Lancasterel · 06/12/2023 13:09

I don’t condone the behaviour at all but I don’t see taking him to his driving test as a favour - if you were taking him to a different exam, A Level etc, you wouldn’t see it as a favour! It’s just a mum/dad thing to do!

If it were local I would agree but because this was a much sooner option I offered to finish work early, pick him up from school and drive him to another test centre miles away , hang around and then drive back on the motorway in rush hour so 3 hours is probably optimistic which is definitely more than a normal mum & dad thing IMO. Of course I'd take him to school for exams etc

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 06/12/2023 13:14

This would be an incredibly shitty thing to do.

Find some other way to punish him.

FarmGirl78 · 06/12/2023 13:14

Aw on second thoughts he'll likely be using your car for his test won't he? Well that's my plan not working.

Unless you tell him to sit in the passenger seat for the journey back, as having only just passed hell be too excited to drive calmly. And then you get the tyres burning and screech off into the distance before he can open the passenger door to get in. 🤣

Lancasterel · 06/12/2023 13:15

boyohboys · 06/12/2023 13:13

If it were local I would agree but because this was a much sooner option I offered to finish work early, pick him up from school and drive him to another test centre miles away , hang around and then drive back on the motorway in rush hour so 3 hours is probably optimistic which is definitely more than a normal mum & dad thing IMO. Of course I'd take him to school for exams etc

Show quote history

Ah ok yes slightly different! Lots of time in the car to chat re: his behaviour then 😉

Octavia64 · 06/12/2023 13:17

I'd take him just because it's really really important.

However, I would be stepping back generally.

He's an angry young man. That's not fun to be around. Don't waste your time telling him off or arguing with him, he'll just react like a child.

Step back. Don't offer lifts anywhere. Don't offer to pay for things spontaneously (if you ever did).

Work out what is fair to give him (if he is in education) and then step back. No comments. Let him make his own mistakes and work it out. He will.