To tell DS I won't take him for his driving test later (vile behaviour related!)

[boyohboys]

Massive argument with DS 17 this morning started over him ignoring a very simple request I'd made. I came downstairs saw he'd ignored me so asked again. He continued to refuse, I insisted, he got sweary & vile and I shouted very loud and stomped off muttering what an ungrateful & selfish shit he was and how I would remember this next time he wanted a favour.

So, he has his driving test after school tonight, it's out of area & needs me to get him there - it's a 3 hour round trip so not insignificant favour either! I'm thinking I should message him to say given this morning's debacle I won't be taking you to your test this evening so either cancel or get yourself there (not really an option unless he can find a mate to take him!)

Next available test isn't until February & not taking him will escalate an already frosty relationship even further. Added to which this sort of thing stand-off has happened before & I've followed through on threats or imposed sanctions but nothing changes and he continues to think it's everyone else at fault (me, his dad, school, etc ) and be generally unpleasant.

YANBU: don't take him: he doesn't deserve the favour. End of conversation.
YABU: take him: don't escalate it further and it won't change anything long term but do impose other sanctions/punishment instead (?)

He sounds anxious - for one of our DC the threat of punishments didn't work. The threat of failure meant they almost rushed to do whatever wasn't allowed so they didn't have the anxiety of failure and punishment hanging over them. We used positive reinforcement. Chose our battles. Walked away often. And recognised that like toddlers, tantrums can be a way of reaching out for connection. If you haven't already then read 'Get out of my life but first take me and Alex into town.'
Meditation/relaxation classes also helped - they were specifically for DCs/teens and it just provided a nice calm space. We had some low-key, non-negotiables for one-on-one time eg watching a tv show together. Also like a PP, non-negotiables concerning rooms, clothes, etc. But none of this was enforced with shouting or arguments. We worked really hard to hold the line so that no matter how much they were flailing about (emotionally) we provided a calm anchor.

Too late now, but I'd have messaged him this morning to ask whether he was still expecting you to take him to his driving test this evening, and if so whether he had anything to say about what happened this morning. Based on the response I'd either take him or not.

Thanks for the supportive messages and DH has until very recently been 100% on board. About a month ago he told DS off for vaping in his room (absolute hard line no smoking/vaping in our house and he knows it) and tried to confiscate his vapes but instead of handing them over DS squared up to DH in the doorway goading him to react he was so aggressive it was horrible - DH was angry but walked away & said he wouldn't be put in that situation again as he might not walk away next time. Like I said, I don't blame him but it doesn't help the situation!!!

Wow, OP. What a nightmare. I think it's time for you and DH to tell him he has to leave. It's bad enough for both of you to have to put up with the kind of behaviour you've described, but you've said he has siblings witnessing it too. And calling you, his mother, a cunt? It's simply not acceptable. He sounds completely out of control :-(

When's his 18th birthday?

I'd be giving the little toerag a month's notice that he'll be leaving home on that day (whether he wants to or not)

Its his driving test, he's not going out for drinks with his mates. YABVU

Take him but if he passes refuse to allow him to use yoru car - if even drive you in your car if you are going somewhere.

Please don't even begin to excuse appalling behaviour.

When people are stressed they can be unpleasant but it doesn't excuse this disgusting display.

The punishment will need to be a tough one, but tricky to take away the driving test because it's such a significant event. OP, Think it through but never believe or let others convince you that this disgusting behaviour can ever be excused.

I wouldn’t be doing favours for anyone who called me a cunt, son or not.

Maybe he was being difficult because he was feeling stressed / worried/ nervous about his test ? Give him a break !

TRFT

YABVU

Hes a teenager FGS - being lazy & a bit vile is what they DO!
Add-in the excruciating nerves of his driving test and of course he was going to struggle to manage his vile-ness this morning!

Whilst I’m not condoning his vileness, you have to breathe deep and rise above it. Don’t descend into retaliation (which scuppering his driving test would be).

What on earth?

My first thought was to say don't take him, however i have a friend who is a driving instructor, late cancellation will also punish the driving instructor who is most likely self employed and wont be able to fill the slot at late notice. I'm stuck to think how you can enforce the boundary whilst maintaining the important appointment and not detriment other involved parties. I'd be looking for other potential lifts where he would have to ask "uncle Jeff" etc making it DC's problem to solve but knowing the solution prior if you get what i mean.

Too harsh, or confusing?

Adult "children" living at home are treated as "excluded occupiers" iirc, they can be evicted with "reasonable notice".

Frankly, an adult child attempting to intimidate or threaten violence against a parent doesn't deserve more than 24 hours to GTFO.

The people being so understanding of this young man's behaviour, and urging the OP to do likewise, I'm genuinely curious...is there ever an age when you would stop excusing a young man being abusive to his mother,? When hes 18? 21? 24? He's already bigger than his parents and has threatened his father, so how much longer before he's no long a child acting up, and becomes an abusive male?
And is it only his mother who you think should put up with it, apologise and empathise, or all the women he encounters? His teacher? His girlfriend? Would you be OK with your teen daughter to being spoken to like that because her boyfriend had 'a lot on' that day?

I'd give him a bin bag and half an hour to pack.

MN has a strange attitude towards young people aged 18-25. On the one hand they are adults with all the concomitant rights. On the other hand they are quasi children whose brains have not yet fully developed and shouldn’t be held accountable for bad behaviour or bad decisions.

His driving test is very important to him. He knows how far the appointment is and he knows he needs transportation to get to it.

With that knowledge, why would he then be so awful to his mother knowing she can just refuse to take him to the appointment?

People saying to take him to the appointment anyway while knowing how much of a shit he's being to his mum are rewarding his behaviour and therefore enabling it. No disrespect to the OP or her son, but he's either an idiot or he's trying to break her spirit.

You don't reward nasty behaviour, you nip it in the bud. To do otherwise is just bad parenting.

Just my view.

Start with the school, most schools have access to a counsellor, or at least will be able to sign post you. Your difficulty may be in getting him to engage with that, and you may just need some patience u til he is ready to accept that his behaviour is impacting him and the people he loves most. You could also ask the school if there are local parenting classes aimed at teens, which could help you better mange things. It does sound to me that he is reacting to external stressors and taking these out on you, as you are his safe space, doesn’t make it any easier for having to deal with this regularly, but you can maybe take some comfort from the fact that he does feel loved and cared and safe enough to express the worst of himself at home. I had a similar issue with my DD although she didn’t start her awful behaviour until she was 18, I did tell her to leave at 19, which she did and never returned home to live. It was awful for a few years, I’d say her attitude started to change, after about 22. She’s 26 now and we have a great relationship. She did have counselling from about age 21 and she definitely benefited from this. Good luck, this parenting malarkey is not easy.

I just jumped on to say I have exactly the same behaviour from DD also 17 - it’s hard work!

Oh @boyohboys I've just seen that you took time off work, his sister missed her netball and he couldn't even be bothered to take his test! WTF!!!
Like you said, no more lifts now!

Did he pass his test op?