To find it hard to comprehend that my mum did this?

[Underapl]

When I was pregnant my relationship broke down. The pregnancy was unplanned and I had always been SO careful with contraception that it was a complete shock. My relatively new partner of 2 years initially was happy about it and then said he couldn’t cope with the idea of being a dad but would support me as separated partners whatever I decided. By this point I was a few months in and at 33 I definitely did not want to terminate. To say that I was heartbroken to be left alone and single as I approached birth was an understatement. Ex was supportive financially but said he couldn’t be at the birth and wanted limited practical contact with our baby afterwards. I really thought DD’s dad was the right person for me and that he was a real family person so this was all very hard to understand and accept.

Anyway, getting to the point. I had to have a c section, planned. I lived around 10 min drive from my parents. The night before the planned c section I asked my mum if she would come over as I was feeling nervous and anxious about it all. She said my sister (who I get on with) was coming over to stay, so that her, my BIL and one year old nephew were local to visit me the next day when the baby was born. She put pressure on me to go round to the house and have dinner there but I explained I didn’t want to be around lots of people and a baby and just wanted some support at my own home. My mum said she would come over for ‘a bit’ and I was always welcome to come over afterwards. I asked her to stay and have dinner and she said she wanted to get back because my sister was round with my nephew.. except that was not a one off and they have always seen them regularly. She arrived and stayed for an hour and had left by 7:30pm. I ate dinner alone and took my pre op medication and went to bed. I have been thinking about it loads recently. I am not sure why. I can’t believe she actually did that. AIBU? Making it all about me? Being too sensitive? It’s making me feel so hostile towards her even though it happened ages ago, I only really have had chance to process these things recently.

😮
Wow.
I would not do that to my daughter.
She's either acting out her judgement on your situation (you've made your bed now lie in it attitude), or she's exposing her personal priorities in terms of where her preferences lie (supporting you versus having nice time with other close family).

I'm really sorry she did that to you. You must have felt very unsupported and that's a horrible place to be on the eve of becoming a mum.

It's this what she's like generally?

I hope your motherhood has improved since then and your child and you love each other (bet you would never let them down like that)

I think it’s just one of those things to be honest, neither of you were right or wrong- you both had different plans for the evening. It’s a shame your mum couldn’t spend more time with you where you weee feeling a bit alone, but I wouldn’t read more into it than that unless there’s a massive backstory here. How has she treated you since? Do you and sister get equal support with kids?

Gently - yes YABU , you are not gaining anything from dwelling on this and feeling bitter . Your mum was not responsible for your difficulties- you were badly treated by your partner but I think your mum did what she thought best (encouraging you to come over where she could keep an eye on you and you’d be surrounded by family ) . You will need her love and support moving forward and she can’t go back in time and change this

I think that she probably felt torn between being with you and being with guests that she had plans with. It's not great, but equally you could have distracted yourself by accepting her invitation to go over there and spend some time with your family.

I think there's a bit of displacement going on here- You're directing the anger and the feeling of neglect you have towards your ex towards your mum. It's very normal, but worth keeping an eye on.

I'm sorry you've had a hard time. I hope you're okay now baby is here.

Your mum was in a no win situation. She already had plans and tried to include you in those when you said you were anxious. When you explained you just wanted her she came for an hour as a compromise.

There is no benefit to you in focussing on this and making it a bigger issue. You need all the support you can get at this point.

Yanbu at all. You told your mum you needed her and she wasn't there in the way you really needed at a scary and lonely time. Feeling upset about that is not remotely the same as saying she was "responsible for your difficulties" 🙄I think, process it, accept it, decide what kind of mother YOU are and then move on. People won't be perfect, you won't be perfect, but there's nothing wrong with acknowledging the hurt.

I think it’s more that it wasn’t ‘a family gathering,’ my family see each other all the time. My mum just preferred to be with at home as it was preferable to being with an anxious pregnant woman before she gave birth.

DD is older now but I do still think about this a lot and can’t get my head around how she couldn’t have just been a mum for a few hours that night

She'd invited your sister and family to stay and was cooking for them. They were her guests, and the fact that they come to stay regularly isn't the point. And she'd invited them so they'd be around for you to help celebrate the baby. She was doing a nice thing.

Your call will have put her in a bit of a spin. She tried to invite you but that wasn't what you wanted. And she had a meal to cook. Maybe she'll look back and wish she'd responded differently, but she was trying to accommodate everyone by visiting you, and then hoping you'd come back with her.

Parents don't always get it right. You'll discover that yourself, soon. But most of us do our best.

I'm honestly not sure why you're dwelling on this (and clearly you don't know either). This really wasn't the sin of the century.

I think your mum did what she thought best (encouraging you to come over where she could keep an eye on you and you’d be surrounded by family )

I agree with that. It turns out that she was wrong in thinking that, but seriously, you will get far more serious things wrong as a parent. And her mistake came from a good place.

You really need to let this go, for your own sake. Do you have PND by any chance?

Of course you're right to feel a bit abandoned by your mum. I don't get some of these replies. It's not a big deal to cancel a normal meal at home with people you see often for your child who's on their own and about to give birth.

I would have stayed with you overnight and gone into the hospital with you so you weren't alone. I'd call that good parenting.

I'm also guessing this isn't the first time she's prioritised your sister over you which is why it stings so much. If so, I suggest you have some therapy to work through your feelings. I hope you have some supportive friends OP because we all need back up.

@Underapl the question here is was this a once off where she did that or was this a consistent pattern of behaviour. A once off, while still upsetting and hurtful, is just that but a pattern of behaviour where your needs are not important is a different issue.

They weren’t having a meal, they arrived at 8pm after my nephew had had dinner at home.

I agree I may be dwelling on it too much though

I don’t quite understand why it wasn’t all pre-planned op if you knew the date of the c-section? Why did you call your mum over at the last minute?

I think she was trying to accommodate everyone’s wishes. It wasn’t her fault that you and your partner split up. And your sister and family were staying at your mum’s to be nearby for you.

The most important thing is how are you and the baby doing now? What has made you dwell on this right now?

If it is upsetting you, why don’t you talk to your mum about it directly, not in an accusatory sort of way, but calmly and having thought about what you want to say?

None of this is very easy to work out from your op unless we know about the history and context of your relationship with your mum. Is she usually supportive?

YABU. Your mum had guests staying and had committed to plans with them , yet still came over for as long as she could and invited you back t o hers.
You sound rather self centred !

I think you are being over sensitive and need to move on.
Your mum probably thought that by being at her house you would have had more support and distractions so you didn't sit and stress about the c section.

Just speak to her?

Maybe she didnt want to make your sister feel her child was being pushed out for the newborn. Maybe she thought you'd be better resting on your own. Maybe she didnt feel up to managing 1-to-1 with you. Maybe she felt that as a single mother yoi'd need the confidence in managing alone. Maybe she didnt rralise how much you needed her support. You wo t know until you discuss it with her.

A gentle YABU your mum did come over, she offered for you to come to hers more than once which you declined.
Presumably your sister and her family had travelled to get to her house if they were staying over. Was this pre planned? If so it would have been better to have had them come a couple of days later and then your mum could have been there for you without feeling that she also had to be there for her guests.

Maybe it wasn’t exactly what you wanted from her but she was trying her best I think.

What is your relationship like with her otherwise?
On the face of what you are saying about this incident, it seems she was conflicted and tried to spend time with everybody that evening.
It is done now, and no one gains from you holding anger and resentment. Remember the phrase that resentment is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die. It only hurts you.

You weren’t willing to compromise by going to your mum’s, your mum felt torn, so she tried to accommodate both.

It was her that was in the difficult position.

I think YANBU. You were vulnerable and needed support.

How is your relationship with your mother generally? If this was purely an error of judgement on her part then personally I'd let it go. If you feel that there is a deeper issue then perhaps some counselling might help you to process your feelings?

As a Grandma I was really nervous about my daughter being pregnant and giving birth. Maybe she was anxious for you as well and didn't want you to pick up on this. How is she now with you and your baby, does she help and support you both. I'd definitely focus on moving forward and not keeping looking back on that night, you can't change what happened.

Put it to bed op. Or it will be relived every birthday dc has... My dh pissed me off after ds's birth and tbh it ruined many of ds's birthday being fuming still with dh...

I can understand very well why OP is dwelling on it, having had a similar-ish experience myself. My mother blatantly did not approve of my having a third child and, having been quite anxious to help with the first two pregnancies, she actually went to quite extreme steps not to with no. 3: she booked to be away on holiday on my due date, ironically the holiday company went bust and the holiday was cancelled, so she promptly booked another. Then I had suspected pre-eclampsia and was suddenly called into hospital early but, even though it was an emergency and pre-eclampsia can be life-threatening, she flatly refused to have the children even for a short time to help out. Fortunately, MIL came to the rescue, travelling 200 miles to do so - my mother lived 3 miles away at the time.

My relationship with her more or less recovered and she actually became very fond of DC3, but I have never forgotten her behaviour and it always slightly soured things between us. So I can well understand how you feel, OP.

You were 33, she invited you over, she had guests herself and it was very last minute but she still came round.

YABU

The one who really let you down is your ex partner.

She came over and also invited you back. She didn't do anything wrong imho. You didn't want to be around people so you took your meds and went to bed. This is all fine and I don't think you're helping anyone by finding fault in it. I imagine you'll be wanting support over years to come, so it's weird to fixate on this one instance where she did what you wanted but also had other commitments. Perhaps you're blaming her for things because she's an easier target than the bigger things that have sadly gone wrong for you, but you've got a lovely baby out of it, who will no doubt blame you for minor infractions one day, but you'll be doing your best for them and won't always get it right.