To find it hard to comprehend that my mum did this?

[Underapl]

When I was pregnant my relationship broke down. The pregnancy was unplanned and I had always been SO careful with contraception that it was a complete shock. My relatively new partner of 2 years initially was happy about it and then said he couldn’t cope with the idea of being a dad but would support me as separated partners whatever I decided. By this point I was a few months in and at 33 I definitely did not want to terminate. To say that I was heartbroken to be left alone and single as I approached birth was an understatement. Ex was supportive financially but said he couldn’t be at the birth and wanted limited practical contact with our baby afterwards. I really thought DD’s dad was the right person for me and that he was a real family person so this was all very hard to understand and accept.

Anyway, getting to the point. I had to have a c section, planned. I lived around 10 min drive from my parents. The night before the planned c section I asked my mum if she would come over as I was feeling nervous and anxious about it all. She said my sister (who I get on with) was coming over to stay, so that her, my BIL and one year old nephew were local to visit me the next day when the baby was born. She put pressure on me to go round to the house and have dinner there but I explained I didn’t want to be around lots of people and a baby and just wanted some support at my own home. My mum said she would come over for ‘a bit’ and I was always welcome to come over afterwards. I asked her to stay and have dinner and she said she wanted to get back because my sister was round with my nephew.. except that was not a one off and they have always seen them regularly. She arrived and stayed for an hour and had left by 7:30pm. I ate dinner alone and took my pre op medication and went to bed. I have been thinking about it loads recently. I am not sure why. I can’t believe she actually did that. AIBU? Making it all about me? Being too sensitive? It’s making me feel so hostile towards her even though it happened ages ago, I only really have had chance to process these things recently.

My mum did the exact same thing to me the night before my wedding. When my sisters got married it was big celebrations. She kept insisting I spend my last night back home. I arrived to a bare mattress and to find they had all eaten. I had no car and had to walk to a takeaway on my own in the dark and rain with rollers in my hair. My counsellor suggests that I set boundaries in place keep them at a distance. If you’re family can’t be there for you when you need them the most what good are they for

Pretty surprised by some of these responses, which I guess show how some really struggle to empathise. You were pregnant with your first baby, single and about to face a c section and then parenting by yourself, I'm not surprised you felt so anxious and needed some support, yes she should have prioritised you that night. I think she behaved quite selfishly actually. However we all make mistakes and this was clearly something she got wrong. It maybe worth speaking to her about it to clear the air but when doing so remember she is human and it was a misstep.

@FrustatedAgain

Who came to the C Section with you and supported you in the early weeks after the birth? If that fell on your mum YABVU to hold a grudge over this.

Agree with this too - if your mum has been this involved. But I would still have stayed with you.

As others have said, it may be your feelings about your situation, your baby and your ex may be colouring your current thinking about that time.

This is bizarre. The family had come to stay at her DM's in order to support the OP once the baby was born. OP could have gone a short distance to join them for the evening.

Agree with @Pluvia and wouldn't say OP was 'vulnerable'. She just wanted her mum to stay to dinner and didn't want to be around the other people who had come to visit on her account. Her mum did go to see her and welcomed her to come over for dinner. OP didn't want to do that so went to bed. She wasn't ill and if she wanted company, it was there for the taking. I think making the mum out to be failing her in this situation is a real reach.

Was a little bit of you trying to get your mum to prioritise you over your sister/nephew?

If you can't be 'self-centred' just before giving birth (on your own as partner has abandoned you) then when bloody can you be??

OP perhaps some talking therapy would help. It’s an extremely hormonal, vulnerable and nervous time- impending responsibilities, no clue what to expect both health and pain wise as well as how to deal with a baby at the end of it all goes as planned. I too would feel let down, but the pregnancy lens we remember and is seared into our minds around those days before and after birth can magnify what happened from others perspective. It’s no less painful or important to you, but I think some context around your feelings is needed and a counsellor may help you to understand and deal with these emotions and your relationship with your mum. As for others saying pop to your mums for the meal with other family members - there’s no way I could’ve either felt like that or done it.

Agree @Nanny0gg.

And @Pinkdelight3 and @Pluvia - if you're not vulnerable the night before major abdominal surgery to give birth to your first baby - without a partner, very anxious about the possible dangers and likely very uncertain whether you will be able to cope with a tiny baby's needs, the night before what is almost certainly the most important day of your life - then when ARE you defined as vulnerable?

This is her MOTHER. Op, I'm almost as appalled on your behalf by some of these comments as I am by your mother's behaviour, which was basically telling you 'you're on your own, love' at the time when you most needed her.

I see most posters have skipped over the post where you appear to say that she let you down when you attempted suicide as well. I'm sorry.

Bloody hell, I despair of how hard we're becoming as a culture.

Also who the fuck 'invites' their own child over.

I expect a big bit of OP was feeling sh*t about being understandably vulnerable, nervous and anxious before a momentous occasion in her life whilst being completely on her own.

Perhaps. It's very common for children who know they are fundamentally unsupported to unconsciously try a last 'test' - because they so badly want to be proved wrong.

This mother failed that test quite badly.

That's not remotely " the exact same thing"

Sometimes I think mumsnetters use others OPs simply to vent their own issues. It doesn't help the OP at all, and in fact just makes their situation worse by inflaming it.

To be honest, I’m your mum’s position I’d prioritise seeing the grandchild and family whose visit was already arranged. Particularly as you were about to have a baby and presumably be the priority for a while after the birth. She made clear you were welcome at hers which was close, if you didn’t want to go that’s totally understandable but I wouldn’t expect her to change her plans just because you were on your own. If you’d asked first then of course she should prioritise you.

If this was after the birth and you needed help I’d agree but the night before I’m with your mum.

I invite my kids over regularly. In fact I'm about to message then to see if they want to come over for lunch on Sunday. Who the fuck doesn't?

I think OP is making too much out of this, perhaps transferring some of the justifiable anger, disappointment and worry caused by her coward of an ex onto her mum who is actually there for her.

Sorry this happened OP. Of course your mum should have stayed with you longer. You were about to give birth - doesn’t matter that it was a planned c-section - you were about to go through an unknown, life-changing event. Sorry you didn’t have the support you needed at the time. I hope you can find peace in your mind one day.

Perhaps it would also be helpful to consider that childbirth is also a frightening time when it's your child going through it.

My mum hated my labours. I know she couldn't sleep etc while it was going on.

Perhaps she didn't think a night of the two people most scared about it sitting alone was a good idea. Perhaps she wanted to be able to hide her own worry from you?

You seem to have tied it up with your situation of being alone but perhaps that wasn't at the root of it? She didn't do exactly what you wanted but she was there for you.

Shortly after the birth of one of our children (like 3 days), my MIL prioritised going to their holiday home for four days. When my wife showed that she was a little upset and that she may need the support of her mum, she lied and blamed her other daughter for wanting to go. They went. And we heard nothing from them.

On my wife’s first day back at work after maternity leave had ended, we had arranged to have MIL over so that my wife could come back home at lunch to feed our daughter. MIL decided that she didn’t want to do that and that she’d take her through to theirs which is 30 mins away. When we tried to explain, she got flustered and suggested my wife not to go to work and to rearrange her start back date. On the morning she was due back.

Numerous other issues around just not being there either physically or emotionally. A complete failing of her role as a mother and a grandma. Awful person.

She never had to work and instead convinced herself that her job as a stay at home mum was harder than her husband’s demanding job. She’s never shown any appreciation of me and how I’ve provided for her daughter. We’ve built a lovely home and have three wonderful children and they really couldn’t give a shit. Or at least that’s how they make us feel. Of course if challenged on it they would be the victims.

rant over. 😂

That's an understatement. I say if your mum is generally helpful when required, remembering she has a life too, then forgive, forget & move on. Holding grudges is never good for our mental health. We all make mistakes.

See from the updates OP that this ain’t the first time she’s behaved in a less than maternal way.
don’t blame you at all for struggling to process these things but judging by some of the responses here there seem to be a lot of peculiarly cold hearted folk about

I had an emcs at 35 weeks and a suspected heart attack.. Dh rang mil obviously distraught. Her response was great he could accompany her and fil on their annual trip now that dc had arrived early.. Trip was a week after due date .. Our relationship never recovered.. Been nc since ds was 3 months old.. 9 years now..

I agree. If the OP was trying to 'test' her mum then that's usually because of a sense of feeling less important.

It never works, and just makes you feel worse.

I meant that it sounded insanely formal in this context, which imo reflected the general ‘your an adult now and on your own’ vibe.

My hearth broke for you several times , whist reading your story . To be left alone and pregnant must have been awful , and to top it all with your Mum behaving like she did .
I was pretty scared with both of my C sections, and really relied on my husband to support me , so to have been left alone on the eve of your C-section , despite asking your Mum to stay is absolutely awful .
how on earth did she not prioritise her heavily pregnant , single & scared child over your sibling & child ?
you needed your Mum , and she was not there in your moment of need .
when you feel stronger , I would suggest you try and unpack not only hat happened , but more importantly, what lies behind it , it’s the help of a counsellor.
I send you much love , I truly wanted to reach through my tablet to give you hug , whist reading your story .