To find it hard to comprehend that my mum did this?

[Underapl]

When I was pregnant my relationship broke down. The pregnancy was unplanned and I had always been SO careful with contraception that it was a complete shock. My relatively new partner of 2 years initially was happy about it and then said he couldn’t cope with the idea of being a dad but would support me as separated partners whatever I decided. By this point I was a few months in and at 33 I definitely did not want to terminate. To say that I was heartbroken to be left alone and single as I approached birth was an understatement. Ex was supportive financially but said he couldn’t be at the birth and wanted limited practical contact with our baby afterwards. I really thought DD’s dad was the right person for me and that he was a real family person so this was all very hard to understand and accept.

Anyway, getting to the point. I had to have a c section, planned. I lived around 10 min drive from my parents. The night before the planned c section I asked my mum if she would come over as I was feeling nervous and anxious about it all. She said my sister (who I get on with) was coming over to stay, so that her, my BIL and one year old nephew were local to visit me the next day when the baby was born. She put pressure on me to go round to the house and have dinner there but I explained I didn’t want to be around lots of people and a baby and just wanted some support at my own home. My mum said she would come over for ‘a bit’ and I was always welcome to come over afterwards. I asked her to stay and have dinner and she said she wanted to get back because my sister was round with my nephew.. except that was not a one off and they have always seen them regularly. She arrived and stayed for an hour and had left by 7:30pm. I ate dinner alone and took my pre op medication and went to bed. I have been thinking about it loads recently. I am not sure why. I can’t believe she actually did that. AIBU? Making it all about me? Being too sensitive? It’s making me feel so hostile towards her even though it happened ages ago, I only really have had chance to process these things recently.

your feelings are totally valid, but so are your mums. Perhaps she felt left out of being involved with the lead up and day of the c-section. She may have felt like an after thought. Who was with you on the day of your op? how is your relationship now with your mum?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. My mum was quite unpleasant to me a few days after I gave birth to my son and I’ve never seen her in the same light since. It’s such a vulnerable time and not having the support of your mother during that time is so hard. Have you spoken to her about how you feel?

YANBU. She's your mum and a woman, she should have understood and wanted to be there for you. Of course she can do whatever the fuck she wants but it doesn't mean it's not hurtful. I think it was a bit shitty of her to be honest. Forgive but don't forget when she's old and in a nursing home asking for help.

The night before the planned c section I asked my mum if she would come over as I was feeling nervous and anxious about it all. She said my sister (who I get on with) was coming over to stay, so that her, my BIL and one year old nephew were local to visit me the next day when the baby was born

I don't understand the comments that your mum had made arrangements for them to visit, so why should she change her plans. She knew when the operation was happening. They came to visit to see the baby after it was born, as they knew the date that was happening.
If my dd asked me to come over as she was frightened about an upcoming operation then I would go to her. If it was a planned c sec and I had other family staying with me because of that, then I would still go and see my dd. The others would be fine in the home for the evening on their own.
If I were in your shoes, I would want to be in my own home and not at my parents house.
I would try not to dwell on it if you can, as it isn't going to help you in the long term. Enjoy your child.

Oh, and what a shitbag your ex was/is!

YANBU - My mum would have stayed with me, I think. But especially in your circumstances your mum should have been more supportive of you.

It sounds like over all you have a good relationship. Don't let this fester in you. Maybe talk to your mum, give her the chance to explain? You have probably had the conversation 100 times in your own head but you don't know what she would actually say or thinks

Gently I think YABU. If this had happened AFTER the operation, when the baby was born, I would say that absolutely she should have dropped everything to look after you and the baby. But I think that as it was a case of pre-operation nerves, it was reasonable for her to spend time with you, invite you over, but ultimately respect your decision not to come to her house.

Has she been more helpful since your baby arrived? If she’s got two daughters both who have young children, she’s always going to be pulled in different directions. Whilst you wanted her there that night, I imagine you’ve needed her a lot more since the baby has arrived? Has she been a help for you? If so, I’d let this incident go.

You're not going to get balanced views on here because in MN land, no one owes you anything. Especially not grandparents.

Back in the real world, any decent parent wouldn't prioritize a planned visit from one kid while the other is asking for them in their time of need.

I expect now you've got your daughter it's an even more bitter pill to swallow. I'm sorry your mom wasn't there when you needed her most.

I’d be upset if my mum did this too. She knows I’m an anxious person about medical stuff and so is she tbh so I probably get i from her so I’d have liked to think she’d have been there when I needed her most.

That said I have BPD and overdosed once and tried to call her and she said she couldn’t answer but could in an hour… I’d been encouraged to call her more in my high intensity situations like this and it just broke me and that she wasn’t there for me.

I’ve never really got over that so I kinda understand as it’s a time when you feel most vulnerable.

I also find it odd that your sister etc. came down the day before your c section to see baby the next day! I’d find that too much too soon personally and wouldn’t want people deciding they’re seeing baby on the day they’re born! I’d have no idea how I’d be feeling.

Parents are not perfect, they get it wrong sometimes. You will get it wrong sometimes too, it’s just reality. Look at the entire picture, overall is she a good mum? If so then this was a one off.

Exactly what I was thinking.

How's the relationship with your mother now OP? Does she visit or help?

@ActDottie so sorry that happened to you. I had an almost identical situation with my mum in my twenties. It makes me feel sick even now.

You weren’t willing to compromise by going to your mum’s, your mum felt torn, so she tried to accommodate both.

It was her that was in the difficult position.

I agree with this. Had you gone into labour and she'd refused to help you then I think she would have been unreasonable but I think expecting her to drop everything because you were feeling nervous about the next day was U.

Don't think anyone is in the right or wrong. You were invited but didn't want to go, you wanted things your way. Try to stop relying on your Mother so much. I agree your ex partner should be doing this. Two years isn't a brief relationship.

That said I have BPD and overdosed once and tried to call her and she said she couldn’t answer but could in an hour… I’d been encouraged to call her more in my high intensity situations like this and it just broke me and that she wasn’t there for me.

Sorry to go off topic. Honestly to me that sounds like really poor advice that you were given. I was told if I was ever feeling suicidal to call charities with trained telephone advisors. There are quite a few of them out there. Often family members wouldn’t have the skills or the 24/7 availability to address that level of issue, as you experienced with your Mum. That advice was setting you and your mother up to fail. I’m really sorry for what you experienced.

OP it was all your choices.

It was YOUR choice to stay home etc... you had options, no one forced you too or excluded you. You demanded they all change their plans to bend to your will at the 11th hour and now are playing victim but you weren't a victim of anything.

If you had a planned C-section then why did you not make plans in advance, it wasn't a last minute emergency, you knew it was coming.

I understand how you feel and am
surprised at the amount of posts saying otherwise. I think asking your mum to change her plans when you feel anxious and lonely, is totally reasonable. And expecting her to prioritise you over the other people in the situation, also reasonable in those circumstances. I would feel rejected by this. You are perhaps right that ruminating on it won’t help though. I’m reading between the lines but imagining that perhaps this is not the first time you’ve felt disregarded by her.

Lots of people have anxiety and are lonely... does that mean they should get to monopolize their parents love over their other siblings.

Its not 'prioritizing other people' its her other child who EQUALLY shares a mother.

OP was not excluded she was welcomed to be part of the family night SHE wanted to exclude others.

I understand how you feel. I would have been upset that my mum didn't seem to want to be with me. I wonder why though that you hadn't planned for her to be with you the night before anyway? Especially as you obviously have had mental health issues before (from your reply to ActDottie) I guess it was a fairly safe bet that even the most mentally resilient person will feel anxious before a C section. I know there's no point wishing about what could have been, I'm more asking because I wonder if you were trying to portray an 'I'm coping and I'm fine' vibe before and your mum believed it a little too much.
Was anyone with you during the C section?

Ultimately you can't change what happened, you can only change your response now. You have 3 options, as I see it. 1) push it down, close that chapter mentally and decide not to think about it. 2) ask your mum why she did this. It might give you an answer you want to hear, it might not. She might feel she made the wrong decision, she might not. 3) see a therapist and discuss it more before choosing 1 or 2.

@Underapl this sounds like a much bigger picture of you feeling abandoned by your mother. If that was going on through your childhood even at low levels, it creates all kinds of developmental trauma, like the death by 1000 paper cuts type trauma.

If there was an ongoing pattern of even very low level emotional neglect/abandonment/rejection you will feel that rather than be able to pinpoint it exactly because the absence of something is incredibly difficult to point to.

Definitely a decent therapist could help you figure this out and move past it. Parents are far from perfect because people are complex and get things wrong so everyone is dealing with some bits of dysfunction from their childhood. However if it was to a level that still badly affects you as an adult I think you need to face it and address it.

I think your mum should have been more responsive and come to you earlier and left later. It wouldn't have been hard to do and would have made the world of difference to you. However the rights and wrongs of it don't really matter now, what matters is that you have been deeply hurt by her decision. I'd 1) seek some counselling to help you come to terms with everything you've been through and 2) would tell your mum how you've been feeling. You need some closure. You could just say to her that it's been on your mind for some time and you still feel really hurt by it, however you really value her and your relationship so you'd like to talk it through to help you get over it.

I would definitely make sure you have some counselling before discussing it with your mum though as there's a good chance she will go on the defensive and it might make you feel worse. You need to be in a mentally strong position to have the conversation and to approach it in the right way (I.e. not as criticism or an attack).

I Would agree with you if it were a normal day and she was expecting her mum to change her plans, but she was about to give birth, in stressful circumstances. The sister was just coming for a cuppa! Treating your children equally doesn’t always mean the same - it means sometimes one’s needs are bigger than the other and you love them equally so when they suffer, you put them first. If they both had big issues going on that might be different but I’m not hearing that.

I’m surprised at some of these responses. I have two adult DDs and would absolutely prioritise the one who was about to undergo a c section without a partner! What a stressful time for you. I would also expect her sister to be with her!

YANBU
My mother would have done the same thing had I lived closer and had no DH.
I have a 5 month old and she hasn't bothered to visit once despite been offered lifts or collection from train..we've had to go visit her. 2 hours away. She uses my dad as an excuse which my siblings all agree is ridiculous as he is in great health. I try not to dwell on it too much.
It's shitty isn't it. Hope you're ok

OP, I think YABU. You had the option to go to your mum's and you didn't take her up on that. I don't think your mum could reasonably be asked to ditch her other daughter at the last minute because you were nervous about your C-section and didn't feel you could be around 'people and a baby'. You really need to let this go.