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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find it hard to comprehend that my mum did this?

164 replies

Underapl · 06/12/2023 08:43

When I was pregnant my relationship broke down. The pregnancy was unplanned and I had always been SO careful with contraception that it was a complete shock. My relatively new partner of 2 years initially was happy about it and then said he couldn’t cope with the idea of being a dad but would support me as separated partners whatever I decided. By this point I was a few months in and at 33 I definitely did not want to terminate. To say that I was heartbroken to be left alone and single as I approached birth was an understatement. Ex was supportive financially but said he couldn’t be at the birth and wanted limited practical contact with our baby afterwards. I really thought DD’s dad was the right person for me and that he was a real family person so this was all very hard to understand and accept.

Anyway, getting to the point. I had to have a c section, planned. I lived around 10 min drive from my parents. The night before the planned c section I asked my mum if she would come over as I was feeling nervous and anxious about it all. She said my sister (who I get on with) was coming over to stay, so that her, my BIL and one year old nephew were local to visit me the next day when the baby was born. She put pressure on me to go round to the house and have dinner there but I explained I didn’t want to be around lots of people and a baby and just wanted some support at my own home. My mum said she would come over for ‘a bit’ and I was always welcome to come over afterwards. I asked her to stay and have dinner and she said she wanted to get back because my sister was round with my nephew.. except that was not a one off and they have always seen them regularly. She arrived and stayed for an hour and had left by 7:30pm. I ate dinner alone and took my pre op medication and went to bed. I have been thinking about it loads recently. I am not sure why. I can’t believe she actually did that. AIBU? Making it all about me? Being too sensitive? It’s making me feel so hostile towards her even though it happened ages ago, I only really have had chance to process these things recently.

OP posts:
Belins · 07/12/2023 23:17

I understand why you're feeling hurt.... You reached out to your mum and showed her your vulnerability and she didn't respond as you wanted. I think the night before a planned c section could have been a special time for her to mother you once more before you became a mother yourself. I get it. I still feel hurt by my mother's reaction when I had my first child and had moved country and my husband was working away. I had asked for her to come and help me as I was struggling on my own with a new born. She came and was very helpful but reminded me before she left that she wasn't available to do that again! She had been so desperate for me to make her a granny I just couldn't understand this. That was 20 years ago and my dear mother died last year and I still remember this and can't understand it. Maybe like others have said you should speak to your mother about this to try and understand, so you're still not perplexed 20 years later.

talawalawoo · 07/12/2023 23:37

Some of the replies on this thread, so cold I can't believe people actually live like this, got to be made up surely 😂. I'd of been there for OP if she was my daughter, as would my mother if I was in that position. She was due to have a C section (major surgery), would have been feeling vulnerable and anxious with no partner there/ how things ended with them. I'd be there for a friend in this position, it's ridiculous to suggest the mother "had plans and had to stick to them" , any decent mother with any sense of empathy would want to be there and support.

Newsenmum · 08/12/2023 00:22

You were giving birth THE NEXT DAY! If I were her I would’ve cancelled/postponed your sister or told them she was going to sss you because you were on your own and about to have a baby!! So I agree with you and can’t comprehend it op. I really feel for you and what you’ve been through and hope you’re ok now.

Newsenmum · 08/12/2023 00:23

talawalawoo · 07/12/2023 23:37

Some of the replies on this thread, so cold I can't believe people actually live like this, got to be made up surely 😂. I'd of been there for OP if she was my daughter, as would my mother if I was in that position. She was due to have a C section (major surgery), would have been feeling vulnerable and anxious with no partner there/ how things ended with them. I'd be there for a friend in this position, it's ridiculous to suggest the mother "had plans and had to stick to them" , any decent mother with any sense of empathy would want to be there and support.

I find it shocking - I honestly can’t imagine leaving my daughter like that. If I was the sister I’d be like mum please go and be with her.

Newsenmum · 08/12/2023 00:24

What? 🤣

HoppingPavlova · 08/12/2023 00:48

any decent mother with any sense of empathy would want to be there and support

But from the OP, it seems the mother DID want to be there for the OP and support her, they just had a difference of opinion on how this should occur.

I was facing major risky surgery several years back, a C-section is a really standard op, this was really major and I was a bit anxious, as were my friends and we are all medico’s of varying specialties so the fact we were all quite anxious says something. In the week leading up, different friends had a bit of a gathering every night - must come over for pizza and a chat as so and so will be over; must come over for a Chinese and a wine and a chat as x and y will be here; must come over etc. I had a family at home, but they knew that sitting at home just deepens the anxiety and it’s pointless someone coming over to hand hold and indulge that anxiety, that doesn’t do you any favours. Much better to ‘force’ you out, talking about random non-related shit with people at a dinner table, throwing a bad dvd on where we could all sit and critique it🤣. Much more effective than someone coming over with a ‘there, there’ and hand hold. This would have been why the mother took the stance she did, she did know better than the OP in what the OP actually NEEDED at that point as opposed to wanted, which was the inferior option.

Pukkateaandbiscuits · 08/12/2023 00:55

I honestly don’t think the mother did anything much wrong. Medically, everything was happening the next day. She came over to reassure op for an hour. It’s not as though any reassurance beyond that time would benefit her any more is it?

Medically speaking, everything was about to happen the next day so it was just another night of pregnancy like the previous night! She probably thought her daughter would be better off having a good night’s sleep and that she would be too, so that everyone could be on form to support op the next day. She may have thought staying there and talking late in to the night would not serve much purpose?

Ukrainebaby23 · 08/12/2023 04:46

Pelham678 · 06/12/2023 09:10

Of course you're right to feel a bit abandoned by your mum. I don't get some of these replies. It's not a big deal to cancel a normal meal at home with people you see often for your child who's on their own and about to give birth.

I would have stayed with you overnight and gone into the hospital with you so you weren't alone. I'd call that good parenting.

I'm also guessing this isn't the first time she's prioritised your sister over you which is why it stings so much. If so, I suggest you have some therapy to work through your feelings. I hope you have some supportive friends OP because we all need back up.

Nicely put.

saraclara · 08/12/2023 08:41

I think you are applying a very high standard to people and expecting perfection from your mother. You also sound very smug.. She has been a parent a really long time, you presumably a pretty short time. Believe me, you will fuck up yourself occasionally. I'm only 16 years in and have got it wrong plenty of times. If I chose to, I could think about nothing else other than my own parents failings but a)what a waste of a life and b)they tried their best mostly.

Absolutely that. And it distresses me that far from helping you get this obsessive thought out if your head, this thread has actually set it in much deeper.

I wanted to be the very best parent. I took parenting very seriously. But over the last 35 years I haven't always got it right, and neither will you.

Your anger with your mother has become obsessive and disproportionate, and it's not healthy. I want you to give some thought to how you will feel if your own child reacts to an inevitable error of judgement on your part (or even one that isn't an error, but she sees it that way) in this obsessive way that destroys your relationship with her.

It's not just unfair to her, but damaging to you. It's not her error, but your response to it, that is affecting your mental health. Please get some counseling.

As for the posters who are inflaming this, you need to think about what's best for OP at this point. Not use this thread to rehash your own issues with a parent.

Messyhair321 · 08/12/2023 08:46

I get this, I'd probably want to say something like, you remember this night, I felt I needed some support from you, felt sad that you weren't prioritising me at that point in my life. In a way that doesn't 'blame' her. A good start would be to write a letter, tear it up, then decide whether you want to take it further with her directly.
I can tell you from the perspectives of a daughter who has felt let down & a mother who has made mistakes with letting my children down at times, being a parent or daughter is hard going. Some things you can let go, others maybe not. It's always about how you feel about it though, whether you can get past it without it interfering with your relationship.

talawalawoo · 08/12/2023 11:16

@saraclara who is inflaming this? Others are just offering different perspectives/ different family dynamics as are you.

I agree OP should probably talk this through with someone as probably won't be helpful to her to keep this internalised, but it's not obsessive to be upset about what she perceives as a lack of support at a time when she really could have done with some.

saraclara · 08/12/2023 11:23

talawalawoo · 08/12/2023 11:16

@saraclara who is inflaming this? Others are just offering different perspectives/ different family dynamics as are you.

I agree OP should probably talk this through with someone as probably won't be helpful to her to keep this internalised, but it's not obsessive to be upset about what she perceives as a lack of support at a time when she really could have done with some.

Even OP said in an earlier post that she's dwelling on it too much. And has said at least twice that this happened a long time ago.

I have been thinking about it loads recently. I am not sure why... It’s making me feel so hostile towards her even though it happened ages ago...

So these thoughts are intruding and affecting the relationship. It's fine to say that she's right to feel hurt. It's not fine to say that she's entitled to, to the point where she's going to feel that there's no need to try to fix the problem.

GoodOldEmmaNess · 08/12/2023 14:14

Seeing how heavily and lengthily the OP has dwelt on her sense of resentment towards her mother (for not supporting her enough) I did wonder whether the resentment was already a fixed part of their relationship before events of the night preceding OP's C section.
I wondered whether this sense of resentment caused the OP to 'test' her mother from time to time by asking for very specific types of support. Perhaps the OP's mum had become a bit aggrieved/ worn out by this dynamic and consequently felt less able to pull out all the stops than she might otherwise have. You can't really judge the mother's behaviour without contextual knowledge like that.

orchardgirl4 · 09/12/2023 22:21

I agree OP, reading some of the replies helps reinforce the desire to be the mother that one needed at that time. I'd rather that.

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