To find it hard to comprehend that my mum did this?

[Underapl]

When I was pregnant my relationship broke down. The pregnancy was unplanned and I had always been SO careful with contraception that it was a complete shock. My relatively new partner of 2 years initially was happy about it and then said he couldn’t cope with the idea of being a dad but would support me as separated partners whatever I decided. By this point I was a few months in and at 33 I definitely did not want to terminate. To say that I was heartbroken to be left alone and single as I approached birth was an understatement. Ex was supportive financially but said he couldn’t be at the birth and wanted limited practical contact with our baby afterwards. I really thought DD’s dad was the right person for me and that he was a real family person so this was all very hard to understand and accept.

Anyway, getting to the point. I had to have a c section, planned. I lived around 10 min drive from my parents. The night before the planned c section I asked my mum if she would come over as I was feeling nervous and anxious about it all. She said my sister (who I get on with) was coming over to stay, so that her, my BIL and one year old nephew were local to visit me the next day when the baby was born. She put pressure on me to go round to the house and have dinner there but I explained I didn’t want to be around lots of people and a baby and just wanted some support at my own home. My mum said she would come over for ‘a bit’ and I was always welcome to come over afterwards. I asked her to stay and have dinner and she said she wanted to get back because my sister was round with my nephew.. except that was not a one off and they have always seen them regularly. She arrived and stayed for an hour and had left by 7:30pm. I ate dinner alone and took my pre op medication and went to bed. I have been thinking about it loads recently. I am not sure why. I can’t believe she actually did that. AIBU? Making it all about me? Being too sensitive? It’s making me feel so hostile towards her even though it happened ages ago, I only really have had chance to process these things recently.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

She had "guests" and had "plans".. give over!

It's her other daughter, son in law and grandson she sees all the time.

Sorry I think if her daughter, who is having her first child, is alone, after an unexpected breakup, the night before major surgery to birth her first child, is in need of some company and reassurance SHE SHOULD HAVE BLOODY GONE.

Honestly I would be so upset if my mum did this. She wouldn't have though, she would've been round in a heartbeat and so would I for my daughter.

I think yabu. Your mother gave you an invite to go around to her home and have fun or just conversation with family, your sister and nephew too. It would have taken your mind off things and hopefully helped you to relax.

instead you decided / insisted on needing her 1-2-1 for what? Mulling over your anxiety rather than doing something that would naturally help. Then your mad at her because she went home after an hour to the plans that where already arranged and you where invited too.

Sure if you was in labour or just got home after a section she would be unreasonable but this nah.

YANBU your Mum couldn’t put her own plans aside on a one off, when you needed her before a massive, life changing event in your life. I’m sorry - you must feel really let down by your Mum and Ex.

I can’t imagine doing the same to my daughter. I think it was really shitty too.

She was more bothered about another evening with her other daughter and grandchild, frequent visitors, and visiting you and the ever fascinating newborn the day of the birth with them, than on supporting you at a time of great vulnerability.

I do understand your feelings but I think you put your mother in a very difficult position. She had plans and didn't want to abandon her guests. She did try to offer you a solution, which you rejected. I'm sure she felt terrible and very torn. In the end, I'm guessing she decided that she had offered you a solution and you declined the offer, so she tried to please everyone by offering to come by for a bit. Likely she felt she was letting everyone down that evening.

I agree with others that the person who you have every right to be livid with is your partner. A relationship of two years in your thirties is not a teenage boy. He treated you appallingly and there is no excuse really.
Your mum did respond to you and came round. She also tried to include you with family. You made a choice to stay at home which you were fully within your rights to do but I don’t think your mum was unreasonable.

I think she may be bearing the brunt of your hurt and anger which should be rightly aimed at your partner. You sound unreasonably all free with her but not nearly angry enough at your partners treatment of you.

Perhaps some counselling might help? It sounds like a very traumatic period of your life.

But it wasn’t with strangers, it was with her own sister who she gets on with. I would have found it hugely comforting to be with my mum and sister the night before.

And her mum did go!!!!! Just not in the precise way the OP wanted.

Also I come from a family that is definitely not enmeshed. I went to boarding school and wasn’t within “popping distance” of my late mother but I know in the same situation she would have dropped everything to help me and sent my dad out for fish & chips for the visitors.

I can only give you my personal experience.

My mum was never there for me. When I had my baby, she didn’t visit (she said ‘0h you don’t want me there’, even though I had actually just asked her if she would come) and the first time she saw my Dd was when I visited her 3 weeks later.

I was in a bad car accident as a passenger and had a broken bone. I asked my mother if she would come to me when I came out of hospital. She said she couldn’t manage the journey. But she came the following summer to join a friend on holiday.

Then I was hospitalised with a medical emergency. My then husband rang her to tell her and give her the hospital number to call me. At first she didn’t want to even do that, I had one phone call from her, that was it.

Obviously those aren’t the only things that happened.

My relationship with my mother was problematic until the day she died , I wish I had been able to deal with it earlier.

On the plus side I have always been willing to do whatever I could when my now adult Dd reaches out to me. She has told me that she really does appreciate this from me.

Im am divorcing and she has been a huge support to me.

you reap what you sow., your mother will never know this.

I can understand why you are upset about it.

In reality she was probably just being a bit clumsily unempathetic in the moment.
She did ask if you wanted to go over, she did come over for an hour… but she got it wrong. Had she known how distressed you would have been she probably would have made a different decision.

How is she now? Helpful and supportive? A good grandmother to your baby?

You may be projecting your upset over the wider picture on to her.

If she is supporting and loving now don’t let this taint your relationship.

I had low level chronic post natal depression and found dwelling critically on things was a major symptom, and it dragged me of energy and joy. Take care of yourself OP.

If your sister was arriving from a distance it probably felt rude not to be in to welcome her. Your Mum didn’t abandon you, she offered for you to go to her house. You also sprung it on her last minute. I understand that you were nervous and upset about your situation but I think you’re being a bit unfair to your Mum. How is your relationship with her generally?

Some of these replies are very strange.
I know without a shadow of a doubt that my mum would have been there for me and I would be there for any of my kids in this situation.
Boyfriends come and go but the relationship between a parent and child is held to a higher standard.
I also think some counselling might help you if you've been dwelling on this for years. I think theres deeper stuff going on than the "it's not all about, you're an adult who chose to continue the pregnancy crowd" would like to accept.

She didn't 'need' anything though... she just wanted attention.

She was actually offered attention too but it wasn't sole attention on her demanded terms so she through a tantrum until her mam then DID come out disrupting everything else, but it wasn't good enough as she didn't stay all night to watch OP sleep.

The sister was not 'popping in for a cuppa' it was late and they had traveled to stay there with a young child which was planned in advance.

You're angry with your ex and confused and scared by the ways things turned out — he was the one for you, then suddenly he wasn't, now you're raising a baby alone. You don't want to delve too deeply into all that, so it's easier to focus your negativity on your DM and a single choice she made and pick on her instead of him.

That may sound harsh but it's what people do. When there are painful questions to be asked about your relationship with your baby's father: 'Why did he leave us?' 'Why did I mistake him for a decent man?' 'Perhaps he never really loved me' it's easier to block that stuff out by blaming your mum for not staying to have dinner with you.

What went right about this situation? It sounds as if your family rallied to help after the c-section. How did that go? What has your mum done to support you? Why does this count for nothing?

I'm surprised by the answers here, what a lousy thing to do. I'd feel upset about being left so alone when I was so vulnerable.

No one is saying the man isn't at fault. Of course he should have stepped up. That's a given.

But you can't make him step up and under those circumstances I think it's even more important for the mother to prioritise the daughter who is scared and vulnerable. It sounds like she did the very minimum.

I know on MN we're not supposed to expect any support or care from anyone but I think that's a pretty miserable existence.

Honestly... My mum would not have done this.
I had a DH and she was still an incredible source of support when I had my first. I was terrified and anxious and she looked after me.
I would do the same for my little girl when the time comes.

So no I don't think you are wrong to feel aggrevied.

One thing...
You mentioned this happened a while back.
Ignoring this incident how have things been? Is she supportive? Close to your baby?

Rude? When she sees them often?

What kind of person wouldn't understand that her sister who is about to give birth on her own should come first over being fussed over when you're coming round for your dinner? Just because it's planned doesn't mean plans can't change when something more important crops up.

Some of you have extremely weird family relationships.

I know on MN we're not supposed to expect any support or care from anyone but I think that's a pretty miserable existence.

I agree @Pelham678 and as MN has got bigger that sort of Spartan attitude has become much more pronounced. I always think that MN is pretty good on male-female relationships but really really weird when it comes to other relationships and anything other than pitiless self sufficiency.

It's a hard stance to take but I feel your mum was more or less saying I'll be there for you but I can't replace your babies father or be around at your home 24/7. Perhaps when your ex does at some point meet the baby things will improve regarding sharing responsibilities. Meanwhile I hope you find someone else if this is your preference in life going forward.

I think that was pretty sh*t of your mum OP. My mum wouldn't have done this - she actually ended up staying with us for around four weeks with DS1 as he was two weeks late. And, as a mum of adults myself, in your mum's situation I would definitely have been there to support you and I am sure your sister would have understood that. I would have offered to stay overnight and take you in the next day.

People on here saying that OP is BU can't be taking into account the context. It was the night before the birth of her first child, naturally she would be nervous and feeling vulnerable. She had had zero support from a partner. Sister/nephew coming around to her sounds like a regular thing (basically no big deal). Mum wasn't providing them with a dinner - not that that should matter, I would have cancelled it and asked them to sort themselves out or left something to be heated up. This wasn't a one off visit, it happens regularly. Yes it would have been more convenient for the rest of the family if the OP had gone around there, but I would have been understanding as to why she didn't want to do that. The fact that a mum would leave her nervous daughter completely alone (against her wishes) the night before she was going to give birth is, as I have said, a bit sh*t.

There is not a lot you can do about it now OP. I doubt speaking to your mum about it will be helpful to you. I understand why it would sting a bit.

This.

I also agree with this

I know on MN we're not supposed to expect any support or care from anyone but I think that's a pretty miserable existence

Like, what is the point of a family unit if you can't rely on them for help or support when needed? And when you can't / don't offer the same back?

Wow you sound compassionate…hope you never find yourself low and feeling that you need some support just because you want it. A need for attention/connection is a need.

If I was going to see my mum in those circumstances and my about to give birth alone sister said she needed anything, I’d understand in a heartbeat, even if it seemed trivial to me (not that impending and life changing major surgery is trivial to me). But you see it differently, you do you.

I think YABU, your mum did come over.
Who came to the C Section with you and supported you in the early weeks after the birth? If that fell on your mum YABVU to hold a grudge over this.