To find it hard to comprehend that my mum did this?

[Underapl]

When I was pregnant my relationship broke down. The pregnancy was unplanned and I had always been SO careful with contraception that it was a complete shock. My relatively new partner of 2 years initially was happy about it and then said he couldn’t cope with the idea of being a dad but would support me as separated partners whatever I decided. By this point I was a few months in and at 33 I definitely did not want to terminate. To say that I was heartbroken to be left alone and single as I approached birth was an understatement. Ex was supportive financially but said he couldn’t be at the birth and wanted limited practical contact with our baby afterwards. I really thought DD’s dad was the right person for me and that he was a real family person so this was all very hard to understand and accept.

Anyway, getting to the point. I had to have a c section, planned. I lived around 10 min drive from my parents. The night before the planned c section I asked my mum if she would come over as I was feeling nervous and anxious about it all. She said my sister (who I get on with) was coming over to stay, so that her, my BIL and one year old nephew were local to visit me the next day when the baby was born. She put pressure on me to go round to the house and have dinner there but I explained I didn’t want to be around lots of people and a baby and just wanted some support at my own home. My mum said she would come over for ‘a bit’ and I was always welcome to come over afterwards. I asked her to stay and have dinner and she said she wanted to get back because my sister was round with my nephew.. except that was not a one off and they have always seen them regularly. She arrived and stayed for an hour and had left by 7:30pm. I ate dinner alone and took my pre op medication and went to bed. I have been thinking about it loads recently. I am not sure why. I can’t believe she actually did that. AIBU? Making it all about me? Being too sensitive? It’s making me feel so hostile towards her even though it happened ages ago, I only really have had chance to process these things recently.

YANBU. My mum always prioritised my sister too. I would have stayed x Hugs x

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I had a kind of similar experience with my mother - if it's any comfort to you to know that your mother is not the only one like this! When my daughter was born, even though I knew and know that my mother is not very good at nurturing etc, I didn't want her to feel left out of the whole birth experience, so my husband and I asked her to come and stay and of course to help me after the birth. I also had a c-section and a day or two after i got home from the hospital my husband had to go out to sort out some paperwork at the hospital and related to various benefits available for new mother (in Greece where I live). I was at home with my mother and I went to sleep. The baby started crying and when I woke up I found a note from my mother saying she had gone out sightseeing around the city (as I was asleep and didn't need her!!!!!) I couldn't lift the baby because of teh C-section wound, couldn't feed her, couldn't get out of bed. I called my husband in floods of tears and he hurried home. tbh while I will never understrand what she did, nor really 'forgive' her, I have come to terms with the fact that she just doesn't think or act like me and that this is the kind of behaviour I can expect from her. Weird, unsympathetic, unempathetic, etc but ... that's what she's like and I look for support from other people - friends - and not from her.

The OP feels how she feels and it is not for other people to tell her to, as it were, "just get over it". It is obviously something that really upset her at the time, and which lingers. She needed to express her feelings, and it would have been nice if most people recognised that need.

It must be daunting and somewhat frightening to go through pregnancy and delivery with no real support. She asked for that support at a particularly sensitive time, and, whatever arrangements her mother had made (and those arrangements were not particularly unusual or special), it would have been kinder of her to jettison them and support her daughter at a time of such need.

Having said that, my daughter died quite recently and I am very aware that I was often not as kind and caring as I might have been. It is only with hindsight that I can see all the insensitive and uncaring things that I did and said. It is perhaps a warning to others that such things can come back to haunt you.

OP: I wish you all the best. I guess your Mum didn't get how fragile you felt at that moment and would not have consciously intended to hurt you. I hope expressing your feelings on here has been on some help.

I think hormones might be rising in you and making this more than it really is, I had horrendous hormone rushes when I was due to give birth, so much so I threw my parents out of my house weeks before having a c section. It was a difficult time for me but eventually we all got through it. I am sure that within a few weeks you will see things clearer and hopefully you will all be okay.

You are definitely being unreasonable op, sorry. I know it's hard being a single mum though.

As a mum it's not something I would do if my daughter were in the same situation as you - it's a toughy as if you talk to your Mum she might not get why you're upset then that could escalate but at the same time youre upset and is how you feel and that's important.
Congratulations on being a Mummy xx

Yabu, everyone else's world does not stop just because you are having a baby.

You're not being unreasonable, I would feel the same.... but I think you need to work through the feelings and let them go, it's not healthy to dwell on this, move forward with your life

This 🙄

I couldn't imagine only giving my daughter one hour of my time in these circumstances. I'd be telling the rest of my family to get on with the meal without me.

God alone knows what half the responses here are all about. People who clearly have no care or sense of responsibility to anyone else.

Yes, this. It may not have been all that you wanted, but she gave you time and attention.

There has to come some point at which mothers are allowed to make a balanced response to their children's needs, rather than significantly downgrading their own needs in order to drop everything for their children.

If you were in your early twenties or younger, then perhaps the habits of unconditional support may still have kicked in. But33? Sure you needed support, but there is no cast-iron right to expect your mother to provide it on exactly the terms that you needed. She gave you support, but she also fitted this around the other things in her life. Because she is an actual person.

OP so many of the posts here are as hard as nails and makes me feel sorry for their daughters if they are ever in such a time of need and vulnerability. You had been abandoned when pregnant by your partner, were facing a major op and impending motherhood alone, and your own mother couldn't be there for you the night before. I totally get that you wouldn't want to go and be sociable with a group of family at that point. Any mum with an ounce of empathy or concern for their child in that situation would have stayed and supported you, you must have felt very alone. You are not being unreasonable at all, and are perfectly entitled to feel how you feel - you can't change that. I'm sorry she wasn't there for you OP. I hope you have support around you now 💐

I care about my mum and I would never expect her to drop everything in her life so I can dicate what I expect of her then complain on the internet she did not do what I demanded

Same as I will always help my child as much as possible but there is no need for ordering around and dramatics and then complaining like a child when they don't get their own way

I think some of these responses are harsh and I think some people must have forgotten what it's like or perhaps have not had a planned birth.
The day I was induced I didn't want to talk to anyone other than my DH so it's not surprising to me that you wouldn't want to be around extended family.
I have a complicated relationship with my DM and it does bother me sometimes when I think about it, but at the same time it makes me want to focus more on building stronger relationships with my own DC.
Hopefully as time progresses you can build something positive out of it too.

OP, please ignore some of these replies. You were about to have a risky procedure, of course you are not unreasonable. As a mum now, you know that. It's not much to explain to your sister that you were having a tough time and just this once your mum needed to put you first. You're adults, your sister should have understood that.

Who was with you during your C-section @Underapl?

Hi op, not unreasonable at all. You were let down by your mum. My own mum didn't visit me after I had my first until they were two weeks old, three months with my second born. She lives a 45 minute flight away. To be honest it completely changed the way I see her and although I speak to her often I keep myself very guarded. Sounds harsh to say but I could easily cut her out as I've emotionally detached from her.

Some of these replies are so harsh. I never get the replies in threads about close family that are along of the lines of ‘no one cares about your baby’ when talking about grandparents or other close people. Or ‘you’re so self centred’ to want some support from a parent the night before a major operation and the birth of your child.

Can't believe some of the mean replies on here! In your mum's shoes I would either have cancelled the other daughter's visit or left her and her family at home with my husband and come straight round to stay with you, make you dinner and stay the night if you wanted me to, before driving you to hospital the next day. That's what any good mother would do - take note anyone who said OP is being unreasonable, unless you're happy being a rubbish mum!

If the sister is a good sister she would absolutely have understood and wanted to do whatever was best for you and made you most comfortable. The last thing you need with a day old baby is "visitors"! You just need help and support, especially in the difficult circumstances that the OP was in. Anyone who thinks otherwise is pretty heartless.

OP I'd be upset in your shoes but what I do would depend on the wider context. Has your mum been very supportive since? If so, I'd let this one go as a regrettable moment of panic from your mum. If she's generally useless and acts like this often then you should probably build a support system elsewhere so you don't have to rely on her.

Some people are just more selfish and uncaring than others. Maybe that goes some way to explaining her behaviour. And yes, park this now, it's senseless to let it eat away at you or have a heart to heart and tell her how it made you feel if you think that'd help you.

You asked 'the night before'. Presumably your sister and her family had been expected for some time, so I don't think it's unreasonable for your DM to have had that time with her grandchild that she would have been looking forward to.

Also, we don't know you from Adam. If you are naturally a drama queen/self-centred, your mum will have had to deal with this for a long time and may now be at peace with you rejecting her offers of help - after all, she gave you a compromise that you chose not to take because 'you didn't want to be around others' and still came to see you. I mean, why? I would jump at any chance to spend time with my sister and nephews and if I was feeling nervous, being with family would make me feel better. It does sound a bit like you were fuelling the melodrama with how you responded.

This thread has massively helped. Seeing some people post such cold comments, now I have some distance from that night, makes me see once and for all how grotesque it must be to have that view of your own child. I accept others think like my mum clearly did, but I’m very grateful I’m much more kind hearted. I’d never do that to anyone let alone my child and I feel even more sure of that after reading some of these replies.

I'm not sure that I fully understand your final post OP, or the point you were trying to make.
I would be careful about reading too much into some people's comments on here and then extrapolating information from them and applying it to your mother. You don't actually know what her thought process was. I suspect that she saw you as being strong and was put in a spin by a sudden change of plans. Some people aren't that flexible. It sounds like she didn't fully grasp just how anxious you were and wasn't anticipating that you would want her to spend the whole evening/night with you. She tried to strike a balance between you and hosting and failed to pick up on what you needed from her. Parenting isn't an exact science and I often question whether I could have handled things better.

If I'm entirely honest, it seems as though the part that you resent is the lack of support re your partner and (rightly feel hard done by). It must have been difficult to see your sister there with her 1 year old and her husband in your position at the time.

You can't change the start of the story, but you can change the ending. Parenting a very young child is also different to parenting an adult child, so don't judge your mother too harshly until you have also been in that position.

I think that, without a supportive partner, your relationship with family is even more important. As a mother, you may one day learn that mothers love their children equally and her actions do not equate to a lack of love or favouritism. I would let your baby grow up surrounded by extended family that loves them.

As a mother, I can’t imagine doing this. Surely motherhood is about doing whatever you can for your child - at any age. But try not to stew over it. It happened and you survived, well done.

I think it’s telling that you say why couldn’t she be a mum for that one night. So if she’s generally the world’s most unloving mum then yes of course it’s a thing for you, otherwise mums aren’t perfect, I’ve no doubt in the future we’ll all hear back how we messed up when at the time we were trying our best

I think you are applying a very high standard to people and expecting perfection from your mother. You also sound very smug.. She has been a parent a really long time, you presumably a pretty short time. Believe me, you will fuck up yourself occasionally. I'm only 16 years in and have got it wrong plenty of times. If I chose to, I could think about nothing else other than my own parents failings but a)what a waste of a life and b)they tried their best mostly.