To find it hard to comprehend that my mum did this?

[Underapl]

When I was pregnant my relationship broke down. The pregnancy was unplanned and I had always been SO careful with contraception that it was a complete shock. My relatively new partner of 2 years initially was happy about it and then said he couldn’t cope with the idea of being a dad but would support me as separated partners whatever I decided. By this point I was a few months in and at 33 I definitely did not want to terminate. To say that I was heartbroken to be left alone and single as I approached birth was an understatement. Ex was supportive financially but said he couldn’t be at the birth and wanted limited practical contact with our baby afterwards. I really thought DD’s dad was the right person for me and that he was a real family person so this was all very hard to understand and accept.

Anyway, getting to the point. I had to have a c section, planned. I lived around 10 min drive from my parents. The night before the planned c section I asked my mum if she would come over as I was feeling nervous and anxious about it all. She said my sister (who I get on with) was coming over to stay, so that her, my BIL and one year old nephew were local to visit me the next day when the baby was born. She put pressure on me to go round to the house and have dinner there but I explained I didn’t want to be around lots of people and a baby and just wanted some support at my own home. My mum said she would come over for ‘a bit’ and I was always welcome to come over afterwards. I asked her to stay and have dinner and she said she wanted to get back because my sister was round with my nephew.. except that was not a one off and they have always seen them regularly. She arrived and stayed for an hour and had left by 7:30pm. I ate dinner alone and took my pre op medication and went to bed. I have been thinking about it loads recently. I am not sure why. I can’t believe she actually did that. AIBU? Making it all about me? Being too sensitive? It’s making me feel so hostile towards her even though it happened ages ago, I only really have had chance to process these things recently.

I think you are underestimating the pull of a one year old grandchild who was visiting.

When I had my first baby, my mum barely noticed me. The grandchild was her be all and end all, the sun rose and set just for him (and then all the other grandchildren).

you could have distracted yourself by accepting her invitation to go over there and spend some time with your family.

This. I’m guessing she was quite confused why you wouldn’t take that option given how you told her how you were feeling as for many people it would have been the ‘obvious’ solution. Appreciate you didn’t feel it would be but most people would likely be confused thinking it was.

@Underapl im getting vibes of she thought you made your bed so you can lie in it. Some parents are like this. A friend of mine had an abortion, and her mother acted like it was nothing even though my friend was distraught. I went with her and brought her home, but her mum really had no interest in supporting her.

I understand how this would be upsetting. I come from a very dysfunctional family and find actions like this very upsetting. You can't do anything about what happened now and dwelling on it will make you very unhappy. I wish I knew the answer for you.

It feels like you're blaming a woman for a man's problem.

Man doesn't wear condom/have a vasectomy.
Man gets woman pregnant
Man says he'll stick around
Man changes mind and runs
Man says he'll coparent
Woman needs support day before birth
Man does nothing
Another woman steps up (despite having other plans) and comforts pregnant woman (albeit not meeting all the terms that the pregnant woman would like)

Man is blameless in pregnant woman's eyes.

Woman who did show up is called uncaring and heartless 🤔

Seriously, your anger and hurt is misplaced.

I don’t see what your mum did wrong. She did come round to you and stay for an hour the night before your CC to reassure you.

You were invited for dinner with your mum and sister. It was you who refused. Your choice, but yes it was dramatic and over-sensitive. it was hardly dinner with strangers.

Given that you didn't give your mother good notice, I see why she had arranged to host your sister. (who was there to be able to see you the next day)
Dwell on the good things about your mother. She had not gone through your situation. Forgive her.

Your child's father was the one who created mayhem and your mother, too, would have been shocked and alarmed at that.
We don't always get things right.

Do you think if you had arranged this weeks prior she would have agreed or still tried to find a way out of it op?

Single motherhood is hard and you ultimately made that choice to go ahead with the pregnancy. Don't expect so much of your mum and remember you will really need people on your side for the next 20 years. Good luck.

I presume a woman also had a say in getting pregnant, unless it was an immaculate conception?

The whole 'women don't have 2 brain cells to rub together and just do whatever men tell them' is getting just as tiresome

No I don't think the mother did anything wrong

Yes, that sums it up really. Unless there's a huge back story of neglect and selfishness*, your mum did nothing that was actually wrong. Her actions were good and she meant well. They just didn't quite match your needs. And that happens all the time in any relationship.

I agree with others who've said that you might be displacing your anger with the father, onto your mum.

*other posters who are relating this to their own pasts with very difficult mothers are not helping here. Your mum is not their mum. Your mum's actions need to be seen in relation to the person that she is generally. Not as equal to the actions of someone else's narcissistic mother.

Some very unfeeling responses here today! Unsurprising for AIBU. People who have no experience of being in this position.

Op, you’re getting a hard time on here. There’s no way your mum’s behaviour was a one off otherwise you would have been able to move on. I’m sure it’s part of a pattern.

it’s not about ‘trying to compromise’ - you were the child that was very very likely to need her and she should never have had your sister round in the first place. She should have been standing by, and before that should have offered to come before she was asked.

I’m sorry it happened. My own mum did something similar and although I’ve never forgotten it I did get some closure by later telling her what a huge impact it had on me.

Some of these replies are odd. I would be upset too. You'd been really let down by your partner - that's not on her, but equally she could have given you this. You're her daughter and you needed her.

This.
Put that day behind you and move forwards.

My mum just preferred to be with at home

Well so did you. You could have gone to hers. You weren't in labour.

What did you want her to do? Sit and hold your hand all night?

I think YABU.

I totally get it. Different circumstances for myself and I may be projecting here, but it sounds like a betrayal from the person closest to you who is supposed to support you at your most vulnerable time. You should have been your mum's priority at this time. It's not logical and likely out of proportion, but considering the circumstances and being pregnant and about to have baby, it's a real feeling at that time, and it doesn't leave you. I still have the feeling myself. I would add though that you are also so lucky to have a mum you can call on, that she came by at all is amazing when I compare to myself. Is there a question you would like to ask your mum,. something that needs to be out in the open, a concern you have?

This. She did come round. She invited you to hers. She didn’t do exactly what you wanted but that’s life as an adult.

It’s making me feel so hostile towards her even though it happened ages ago,

How long ago are we talking, @Underapl ? Because if feeling this way is affecting your relationship with her over a long period, then I think you may well need some counseling.

Even if people agree with you that she let you down badly (which I don't, really) it's still a problem which must be hurting you both (she's not going to be oblivious to your feelings towards her) so I think you should consider getting some help to get this out of your head.

If one of me children had a stressful operation the next day, and that was on the back of an incredibly stressful situations overall, then I would certainly help that child in the way they said then needed. Pretty sure my other children would crack on at my house if they happened to be visiting, and be in favour of us supporting this family member in their time of need, in the way that they needed support.

YANBU to feel the way you do.

YABU. You knew your planned date for some time. She made plans. You then asked her to come over because you were feeling anxious, the night before. She couldn't because she had your sister there. This is fine.

Why are you focusing on this so much?

The thing is, giving birth is a hugely significant symbolic thing. It’s not like going in to have your wisdom tooth removed. It’s deeply meaningful, scary, and intense and connects you to her and all the women in your family before you both. It’s a huge part of womanhood and identity.

no one has to say all this out loud and I get it’s a bit cringy to do so - but it’s true and it’s roiling away underneath for most of us at this time.

women often need the comfort of their mothers if they have them and a good mother is waiting and ready almost without consciously thinking about it.

I mean, I cannot imagine not being on standby for my own daughter can you? Just getting on with my evening?

Bygones really. This was small fry and not worth picking over now. Are you feeling generally ok?

I feel bad for you OP I know what it was like with my mum or none of my family ever offering to come over to support me after birth. I dropped my whole life when they needed me. As a mum especially you would think they would understand. It sadly always hurts remembering it but I have learnt to accept parents can be selfish and that they don’t love their children equally either. I would never do that to my daughter. I wish you and your daughter all the best. One thing that does help is not holding it in, tell her.