Are all counsellors dealing with their own shitty situations too?

[Whybeacounsellor]

So my DP and I have been noticing a new trend amongst our friends which is that between 45 and 50 they quit professional jobs to retrain as counsellors. Fair enough in a sense that they are of an age to offer some life experience and wisdom because who wants to offload onto a 28 year old?

But what’s striking is that the four people we know are all dealing in their own lives with some mind blowing shit particularly with their families. Person one - son deals drugs and another son was accused of indecent exposure. Husband has been having a very obvious affair but friend won’t accept or admit it. Person two - 3 recent bereavements in a row, one of which was very unexpected. Person three - teenage daughter being brought home by police several times, been expelled, social has got involved. Person four - father caught shoplifting and has brought massive shame on the family because, he’s actually a local solicitor so it’s been very public and in the local paper.

DP isn’t much of a deep thinker and thinks that this is just normal life stuff and has no bearing on a their decision to go into counselling. I on the other hand am more cynical about their motives in changing careers now and think there’s something a bit voyeuristic about wanting to hear about the ‘dirt’ and sad, awful things in other people’s lives. I wonder if they use their job to feel better about their own experiences.

YABU - no of course not, they’re motivated by wanting to help others

YANBU - they are basically driven by a need to know that other people have shitty lives too

I know a few accountants whose financial affairs are a bit or have been a bit, how shall we say, poorly managed.

I don't think it's exclusive to counsellors.

That’s interesting as I stopped my sessions (which were very useful initially) as I felt that it had become just that and I’d exhausted the usefulness . Counsellor was good and in conjunction with the work I’d done myself reading etc I am in a better place and, I’ll go back again should I need it. It’s a bit like to me when people get into a negative complaining spiral at work and it makes you feel worse.

Yes. Or overweight doctors who drink too much. There are a few at my local surgery.

I know someone who trained as a counsellor, and on completing their course was immediately recruited to teach counselling. I've always wondered about the Dunning-Kruger aspect of this and other counsellors. It's counselling, not psychiatry.

I think this person does have a bit of a voyeuristic streak, now that you mention it. They like to read fiction and non-fiction about abuse and other horrors.

This person, I know, is doing it all in good faith. And we are proud of them and all they've achieved.

But maybe PPs are right about keeping people coming.

The person I know is convinced everyone should have a therapist.

I think that too much navel gazing can be catastrophic. I think a lot of people just need to take more responsibility for their lives and develop some grit. The person I know has been kind enough not to take me to task on my unreasonable attitude!

Those who can’t do (life), teach (others how to do life)

Exactly this - it was actually the tools of a 12 Step Prog that broke me out of my negative loop of venting and getting nowhere.

For me I was feeling frustrated by situations, criticising the people in them, complaining to anyone who would listen to get them on board and in order to feel validated (which is easy enough as often situations are bonkers and people do often behaved poorly), demonising or at least heavily critiquing / bitching about the frustrating people involved behind their backs, and then drinking off the back of the tension within me. That's not what caused my alcoholism but it was a part of one of my processes that fuelled it. Toxic.

Now I know different - I have the serenity prayer 'accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference'. I also learned over time that when a person is difficult to accept that's how they are and work around it, have kindness for them if they're struggling, and think how I can help them do better. Or decide to walk away. I usually don't need to discuss my situations with another person - it's between me and my conscience / higher power to discern the right thing / action to do. I usually know what the right thing is now and act immediately on it. The programme taught me all of this and more. No therapy I've had (and there's been a LOT) even began to address these type of issues.

More so, therapists proactively wanted me to be running off to them to rant about silly things - how a server in a coffee shop gave me the wrong drink and then we had an argument and they refused to replace it and the security came over and blah blah on and on. Therapist would want to ask what is it within me that felt triggered when I got the wrong drink and if this relates to anything that's happened to me before and then before I knew it I started banking every incidents under the sun til the next time saw therapist so I could naval gaze.

Now, were the exact same incident to occur, I wouldn't even remember it as I'd have dealt with it at the time appropriately and it would be forgotten. I went into end of life alcoholism and nearly died under my therapist who I was seeing twice a week wanted me addicted to venting. It nearly killed me. I saved my own life by dumping her. I dumped her after I saw Peter Fornagy's talk. He set it out clearly if your therapist is doing x, y, z, this is not therapy this is them addicting you to venting and taking your money. Notable this therapist came to my home demanding money - I didn't owe a penny.

Counselling isn't about giving advice is it?

I thought counselling was about listening and validating, about helping the person articulate their pain or grief and feel heard.... not telling someone what to do???

I remember a few years back when lots of people were re-inventing themselves as 'life coaches'. These were probably unregulated and more about giving advice.

*Counselling isn't about giving advice is it?

I thought counselling was about listening and validating, about helping the person articulate their pain or grief and feel heard.... not telling someone what to do???*

@SlothOfDespair I think there’s sometimes a fine line between counselling and therapy. My DS (15) suffers from anxiety and when he was 10, his doctor referred us to an excellent counsellor who listened to him, but also taught him techniques such as deep breathing and mediation to help him control the anxiety. He also discussed DS’s tendency to catastrophise and helped him to recognize when his thoughts were spiraling-and make suggestions on how to rationalize/redirect his thoughts. Sometimes people need guidance on how to manage their situations-telling someone about them is a relief, but it may not help you cope any better, iyswim.

This counsellor had a PhD in Clinical Psychology and also worked as a counsellor at a local school. He really helped DS, who can manage his anxiety much better now.

Of course, seeing a highly qualified counsellor privately wasn’t cheap but it was worth every penny for how much he helped DS.

I think the problem with counselling, outside of it not being a protected title, but that can easily be resolved by only using counsellors registered with BACP.
I did a couple of accredited counselling courses at a local college a few years ago and was unaware how many different types of counselling there and some of it works for some and not for others. You need to research what therapy you’re getting and ask questions before just diving into it.
Counsellors are also just human and have differing personalities and as in real life, some people we gel with and others we don’t, you need to shop around to find one that fits.
Lastly, proper counselling training is very rigorous and you have to have your own therapy. I’m sure some wrong ‘uns sneak through, the same within any profession, but on the whole the process will weed out anyone not suitable to the role.

@Whybeacounsellor Counsellors are supposed to have counselling/ therapy themselves as part of their training, if it's with a reputable training organisation.

That's why it can take 4 years or more as they have to invest in their own therapy to unpack stuff.

I knew a counsellor who was bereaved and although she had offered bereavement counselling before, she made a decision not to offer it for a good while when her DH died because she knew she would not be as emotionally detached as she ought to be.

For the record, counsellors never give advice (someone upthread said they would not take advice from X person because of their own life.)

Counsellors are supposed to ask questions so the client finds their own answers by digging deep into their own emotions.

I did a short, entry course in counselling years ago. Realised fairly early on that I'd made a mistake and I would be a terrible counsellor, but kept up the course for a few months because the skills learnt were very useful in my day job.

There were definitely some people on that course who had major issues and shouldn't have been allowed within 10 miles of a vulnerable person. (Including 1 person who basically used the triad time as their own personal marriage counselling session, and a couple of other people who clearly hadn't come to terms with some fairly substantial past trauma.) I think there's a definite 'physician heal thyself' thing going on with counselling courses. People have a difficult life period and decide they want to help others and become a counsellor regardless of whether they are suited to it. IMO, counselling requires a very specific skill set and temperament - and the idea that anyone with life experience can train to be a counsellor is as nonsensical as saying anyone with hands can train to be a surgeon. Some people simply don't have the right qualities to do it well (myself included.)

My friend is a one and has the most messed up life out of everyone I know. Severe mental health issues bless her. She loves her job but I just don't get it.

@ChocolateYuleLog So would someone who gives guidance on alleviating anxiety such as relaxation techniques, for example, definitely not be a counsellor?

We always referred to DS’s “counsellor” but he did have a PhD in Clinical Psychology. I think perhaps the doctor was perhaps being careful not to frighten DS by saying that he needed to see a psychologist.

Does it really matter - as long as they're providing a good service to their clients? Therapist's tend not to 'give advice' anyway, that would be more of a life coach. Hairdressers don't always have good hair doesn't mean they aren't good at their job..

@HamBone no they can still be a counsellor it is not a protected title however it is also about how it is done.

So, for example, I may ask a client "Have you considered mindfulness?" and they will go " What's that then?" so I will do a brief explanation. Some may ask can we try some breathing techniques" so we go through that if that is something that may benefit. So in practice I would have " taught" them something. However, I would have given a brief idea of what it was about. Not full training so it is more signposting towards what can occur and happen.

A large part of counselling is supporting the client to work out what will be good for them. So say you say "Well some like colouring for mindfulness, others prefer listening to music. Some want to be in a silent room" it is all about what makes you feel like you can switch off for a short time and just have space for you... "oh so could I dance for a bit i like that?" Yes that sounds like a good idea why don't you try and see if it works?

So signposting towards techniques.
In the case of your sons counsellor, I would say they likely specialised in this and used it as their way of practice. That doesn't mean they were not a counsellor.

I kept this very general as well I don't want anyone wondering if I am talking of a client (no I wasn't)

Lastly many will tell you that their counsellor have told them x or suggested Y.

An example "My counsellor thinks I may be autistic" speaks a bit further and what it turned out was the counsellor had asked. "Do you think you may be autistic?" As it happens said person does think this and undergoes tests and yes is autistic. However, the counsellor may not have thought this at all they may have simply asked the question to allow the client to decide if they wanted to explore this further. We wont know unless we speak to the counsellor.

So be careful with what you say your counsellor "said" as many times they did not say that they asked you something you reflected further on and drew your own conclusion to. So actually did their job as a counsellor.