Are all counsellors dealing with their own shitty situations too?

[Whybeacounsellor]

So my DP and I have been noticing a new trend amongst our friends which is that between 45 and 50 they quit professional jobs to retrain as counsellors. Fair enough in a sense that they are of an age to offer some life experience and wisdom because who wants to offload onto a 28 year old?

But what’s striking is that the four people we know are all dealing in their own lives with some mind blowing shit particularly with their families. Person one - son deals drugs and another son was accused of indecent exposure. Husband has been having a very obvious affair but friend won’t accept or admit it. Person two - 3 recent bereavements in a row, one of which was very unexpected. Person three - teenage daughter being brought home by police several times, been expelled, social has got involved. Person four - father caught shoplifting and has brought massive shame on the family because, he’s actually a local solicitor so it’s been very public and in the local paper.

DP isn’t much of a deep thinker and thinks that this is just normal life stuff and has no bearing on a their decision to go into counselling. I on the other hand am more cynical about their motives in changing careers now and think there’s something a bit voyeuristic about wanting to hear about the ‘dirt’ and sad, awful things in other people’s lives. I wonder if they use their job to feel better about their own experiences.

YABU - no of course not, they’re motivated by wanting to help others

YANBU - they are basically driven by a need to know that other people have shitty lives too

The one person I know who is a psychotherapist has cut off all her friends. It's just her husband and dog left now.

Ditto " life coach".

I work in mental health and I think both your options are a bit wrong there..
Alot of people who end up working in mental health have either first or second hand experienceme of mental health problems... or may have had quite difficult lives.... because it develops a level of insight and sympathy with other people who are dealing with these things..
Whereas often people who have no experience of any kf that may be quite afraid and or judgemental.
Obviously that's not always the case...
But yes I'd say there's a higher percentage of people working in mental health with colourful backstories than there are in other jobs

YANBU…I’ve noticed this in my network too. Coaching is the other thing. I had to interview half a dozen prospective leadership coaches to support my team at work. They were without exception, odd and doing it as one of many side hustles. I think people view it as an easy way of making money. Lots of charlatans in this field!
it’s a shame because I think some people are genuinely excellent at this, but there is so much dross out there it’s hard to spot the good ones.

The clients should be looking into who they go to for counselling. Word of mouth can be good, but checking into qualifications and registrations can also be important.

Yes they were all accredited with some kind of “professional” looking qualification. I came away from every “chemistry session” feeling uncomfortable! Indeed we did end up going with someone via word of mouth recommendation and they have been excellent

But were they registered with any professional body? Did they have supervision sessions? Was the qualification from an accredited provider? Those are all things I'd look into. That said, you can find someone who is very good that won't meet these all criteria by word of mouth, but I find it a good starting point.

Most people are going through crap in their life, it is good when people can use those experiences to help other people.

I trained as a counsellor in my thirties (I had a fairly normal life I think!) the course (which was 4 year accredited one) was interesting there was a definite mix of people with a lot of life experience that would enable them as counsellors and people who need counselling themselves and the training was essentially therapy for them. The college wasn't overly ethical and just took the money.

Protected titles (doctor, dietician, clinical psychologist) can legally only be used by people who meet minimum requirements - usually at least degree-level.training in an accredited course, and registration with a professional body.

Unprotected titles like therapist, life coach, nutritionist (although note there are also 'registered nutritionists' who do have to meet professional standards) can be used by anyone. They might have a postgraduate qualification, or they could have just a 1-day certificate from an unregulated trainer, or no training at all.

Anyone can call themselves a “counsellor” or “psychologist”. If you want to make sure that they are accredited professionals then check the BACP website for therapists/counsellors and the HCPC for clinical psychologists.
The title “Clinical Psychologist” is protected though and means that the person has gone through at least 6 years of university including 3 years at doctorate level. Their training is much more intensive than psychological therapists (although lots of them are brilliant).

I think a counsellor having experience of life's troubles isn't a bad thing.
But I also know someone who went into the profession and talks about her clients disparagingly, she projects all her nasty qualities onto them (mostly accusations of being manipulative) and completely misreads their motives because she is ALL about her.
So, I think some people are drawn to the profession for all the wrong reasons. The lady I knows tears it as personal validation therapy.
But I doubt they are going into it just to be nosy and feel better by comparison.
I think they are either wanting to help having been through the mill themselves, or, mistakenly believe that because they think deeply about their own stuff they'll be great at thinking deeply about other people's stuff.

I've been counselled and was thinking about counselling too but one of my counsellors said they have been through so much and most counsellors have so have that understanding. I mean it's crazy you have 4 friends you know who are all quitting jobs to become counsellors. I know of 2. One turned into a hypnotherapist.

Ps I went to a child psychologist who turned out to be absolutely horrible so swings

My SIL is a counsellor after going through alot or difficulties in her own life. I can't imagine her doing it as she is one of the most self centred people I know. I cringe when she does her counsellor talk at me when she thinks I need her involvement. Thankfully she lives 200 miles away so I can avoid her. I'm sure her clients thinks she's great. I just think she's a massive self serving drip.

https://www.hcpc-uk.org/news-and-events/blog/2023/understanding-the-regulation-of-psychologists/

Properly registered psychologists - includes counselling psychologists

It’s actually worse than the OP’s experiences and views: counselling is an unregulated industry and there is nothing to stop people with sinister motives and criminal backgrounds from setting themselves up as a counsellor or therapist. There are various umbrella organisation you can register with, yes, and they tend to have their own standards. However, they rely on honesty from members applying to register with them. For example, I was shocked to discover a local resident with a criminal record for harrassment was registered and operating as a counsellor. Is it right that someone with a track record like this should be working with highly vulnerable people?

I don’t know any counsellors personally….. but I see something similar with “life coaches”. Usually a string of failed businesses and never been able to hold down a career for any length of time ……. Why would you want coaching from this kind of person ?

I did a counselling course over a week intensively and it was MOSTLY made up of people using it for their own psychological benefit. We were split into groups and told to practise skills like reflection and so on. On day one two people in my group who played the role of the patient offloaded some deeply traumatic stuff and we were supposed to be practising. Aside from being awkward and difficult it was actually quite unethical, because we hadn't learnt how to deal with it yet as we were on day one of an introductory course! One woman spoke up and asked the tutor to insist that people use imaginary scenarios or templates of roleplays. I was really grateful to her for saying that. Interestingly you could see another group felt they had hugely bonded with each other after about half a day of offloading.

I was just saying the other day that all the volunteers in my large workplace to become a mental health support colleague are the least resilient people. The ones who have taken a lot of time off for mental health problems and had a lot of counselling.
Agree it’s people gravitating to something they are familiar with.
In my example there’s nothing in it for them except supporting others so good for them. I wouldn’t pay them for their support though!

I'm a counsellor and I consider myself to have had no trauma or significant mental health issues.

My motivation is I love psychology, very interested in people and the thought that someone's life may be improved from offloading to me.

On my course there were a lot of people who had had shitty childhoods, difficult bereavements and a sense they wanted to pay back for the help they had had. It's true the training does get you to work through shit.

I was only thinking about this the other day when the only counsellor I know in person was advertising on his fb page - he suffers from quite debilitating depression.

There's a mixture of people. Yes, there are those who are dealing with their own huge issues. Amongst there are those who dealt with them well and benefitted from counselling which attracted them to do counselling themselves.
There are also those who probably aren't very good at dealing with their own shit but know the wisdom and the process so can still work (bit like an unhealthy health advisor)
And yes, there are those who probably aren't that great.

I don't know the details of the case or why registration was granted obviously, but it is possible that a person with that kind of background could be useful to others who have a criminal background to open up to. Maybe they could have a role working in the criminal justice system? Some people may feel less concern about being judged by him and talk to him where they wouldn't to someone else. I say that with caution, because obviously there are some things that should exclude someone from that kind of profession.

Well yeah but I hope that was just for interest and nobody was actually intending to practice after a week??!!

It’s an industry in desperate need of regulation, as is coaching. There are some great people out there, but far too much dross.