Are all counsellors dealing with their own shitty situations too?

[Whybeacounsellor]

So my DP and I have been noticing a new trend amongst our friends which is that between 45 and 50 they quit professional jobs to retrain as counsellors. Fair enough in a sense that they are of an age to offer some life experience and wisdom because who wants to offload onto a 28 year old?

But what’s striking is that the four people we know are all dealing in their own lives with some mind blowing shit particularly with their families. Person one - son deals drugs and another son was accused of indecent exposure. Husband has been having a very obvious affair but friend won’t accept or admit it. Person two - 3 recent bereavements in a row, one of which was very unexpected. Person three - teenage daughter being brought home by police several times, been expelled, social has got involved. Person four - father caught shoplifting and has brought massive shame on the family because, he’s actually a local solicitor so it’s been very public and in the local paper.

DP isn’t much of a deep thinker and thinks that this is just normal life stuff and has no bearing on a their decision to go into counselling. I on the other hand am more cynical about their motives in changing careers now and think there’s something a bit voyeuristic about wanting to hear about the ‘dirt’ and sad, awful things in other people’s lives. I wonder if they use their job to feel better about their own experiences.

YABU - no of course not, they’re motivated by wanting to help others

YANBU - they are basically driven by a need to know that other people have shitty lives too

I started a counselling course at college; well, I went along with a friend who wanted to do it but didn't want to go alone. What I hadn't realised is that when you train to be a counselor, most of the "training" is focused on you. So you have to really explore yourself and open up to others and talk about yourself etc. Lots of the people there had "issues" that they were working around. So I suppose that the truth is that we all have issues and to be a good counsellor you need to identify and deal with your own shit first - which is kind of what they do in training. I guess that then some people feel that they want to use that to help others? I don't know. I didn't last long on the course; I'm far too English to sit around in a circle sharing my feelings and crying. I just couldn't do it. But I think it's a good thing.

Counselling psychologists have supervisors who they can talk to to deal with the mental stress of listening to other people’s problems- this includes where something a client is talking about triggers something for the psychologist. There are also clear ethical rules about how to act (or not act) when this happens.

I wouldn’t see anyone who was not qualified. Reminds me of when Jeremy became a life coach in Peep Show.

Agree. I've agreed to meet people I know for coffee to discuss things with them but I've made it very clear that I am meeting them as a friend, not as a professional.

Yes, very unethical, not just in terms of dual relationship, but also a lack of boundaries.

I can’t see this going well for the counsellor if they’re registered with a counselling organisation and the acquaintance makes a complaint.

This reminds me of the wounded healer archetype.

The psychotherapist title is an interesting example. AFAIK "registered psychotherapist" is protected but plain old psychotherapist is not. It really is a case of buyer beware.

All BACP & NCPS registered counsellors have been trained to a certain standard ( Level 4 Diploma and above) they will be insured and registered with the ICO if working in private practice. It's not a case of just doing any old counselling course. You are being rather dismissive to be honest and don't know your facts.

Yes, this is what I am seeing. It’s very interesting to read the replies here, there must be a wider discussion to be had about the training and motivation of the people who decide to enter this profession. Funny a few of you mentioned life coaching as an ex work colleague is doing this now, god knows why as she was awful at the job but I think having a wealthy husband must help!

What does someone who calls themselves a counsellor and who may or may not be registered, earn? Is it worth giving up a job for?

I know 4 people who have retrained as a counsellor / therapist / life coach and I wouldn't take advice from any of them for the same reasons as you, OP. Obviously it's better if you don't know your counsellor because they could be great if you don't know their background and how shitty their own lives are.

I actually agree with your husband in that 'everyone has shit'

I think some people are just better at hiding it than others, or choose not to publicise their experiences/mental health issues/mistakes.

All the 'lovely' people around you will have also gone through awful shit, or done awful things, because that is the nature of being human - we are complex.

So while yes, I understand completely being concerned about certain people because of what you know, and I might feel the same, I am quick to remind myself that what I don't know about other people is infinite, so the most suitable, perfect person could have all sorts of skeletons.

It's an interesting one for sure! If I was depressed, I think id prefer a counsellor who had been through it? Or if I was going through a divorce etc.

Yes, this is my point. Great label, wounded healer.

A friend of mine who is special guardian for her great nephews and nieces, has also done this. All three of the kids have massive behavioural issues. Partly nature, but also nurture.

I would hope it's more a case that they have experienced difficulties so feel able to empathise with and help others. I know two people who retrained as counsellors.

1. Nice woman. Crunchy, hippie. Tended to talk about herself A LOT .

1. Relative. His listening skills are appalling and he seems to lack sensitivity. He cheated on his wife recently with prostitutes in Thailand. He is a children's counsellor. Oh and he displayed such greed over his claim on the spoils of my dead parent's estate. Am dreading seeing him at Xmas.

Make of that what you will!

Yes ofc most people go through awful times at periods in their lives but my point is that the people I know decided to retrain mid-life having only recently gotten through a horrible time or while still getting through it, I’m thinking particularly of the poor bereaved friend.

@BrunhildefromDusseldorf are you going to report this man? That’s a very sickening thought that he has contact with children through his job.

Don’t you realise that to become a counsellor you have to get a qualification in it?

@Worried2000
I was meaning that you can complete a short term college course, as mentioned upthread, and technically call yourself a counsellor. I obviously don't mean counsellors who are registered, insured etc! Sorry it seems dismissive, I really was meaning people who do a course for a week and then call themselves a counsellor and unfortunately not everyone knows how and what to check when they're searching for a registered one.

i think you may have meant this but just to clarify ,the following ARE protected titles: Art psychotherapist ; Art therapist ; Drama therapist ; Music therapist . All of these HAVE to be registered with the HCPC,should be on the register and all have done a significant amount of training and are in clinical supervision. So anyone claiming to be any of these, having done 1 day of training should be reported to the HCPC.
www.hcpc-uk.org/concerns/what-we-investigate/misuse-of-title/

@benfoldsfivefan
Yes, of course. You can complete a week course and technically call yourself a counsellor on an unregulated website, I obviously am not talking about registered, regulated, insured counsellors who have studied and worked extremely hard.

In the cases of the people I know, it definitely is about giving the support they have previously received. They had no lifelong interest in becoming counsellors or life-coaches until the circumstances of their life led them into contact with these fields, gave them a view of the role and made them consider it as an option.

I'm sure there are people who go into it with no previous involvement, but I haven't met them (excluding nurses who are funded to add it to their previous role).

I’m related to someone who is a therapist. Yea he has issues and on the outside you’d wonder how he could be a counsellor. But when I had a hard time, he was absolutely amazing. Phenomenal actually. Counsellors are just people.

Takes one to know one... They might be helpless at home but can benefit other people in similar situations. I often find the advice goes unheard at home....but to outsiders it's helpful. Also dealing with other people's problems and seeing that there is bigger problems out there than our own is reassuring that maybe we don't have it worser than them kind of thing. Don't judge too much OP every household has it's own dilemma...no one's safe I think happy families are a myth these days.

I am in a role where I encounter a surprisingly high number of counselors and therapists, or at least people who identify as counselors and therapists, and yes, it is my observation that many are, ahem, profoundly troubled people. Not people who have been through some shit and gained valuable life experience working through it that they now wish to impart on others, but people who are still actively in turmoil and or crisis. It’s a bit of an eye rolly thing amongst my organization that the so-called therapists tend to be the most fucked up of all.

I've also found a lot (but not all )social workers are bat shit crazy

I don't think it's about having shit going on in their lives. It's more about deflecting from having a shitty life by training to be a counsellor. This has been going around in my head for ages because lots of people I know have seriously awful shit going on in their lives. But it's the people, I know, who have handled their shit in the absolute worst possible ways who are training to be counsellors. It's really scary, because at the worst time in my life/marriage, I turned to counselling and shitty counsellors made it so, so, so much worse. All that I met of were counselling in a by-the-numbers kind of way that made little logical sense. And a number of them were easily manipulated by my XH, who charmed and flattered them in the most simplistic ways. It was so baffling it would have been funny if it wasn't so dangerous.

And now I'm watching some of the absolute least healthy people I know train and take on clients and there is genuinely no way whatsoever that they won't do more harm than good.