Are all counsellors dealing with their own shitty situations too?

[Whybeacounsellor]

So my DP and I have been noticing a new trend amongst our friends which is that between 45 and 50 they quit professional jobs to retrain as counsellors. Fair enough in a sense that they are of an age to offer some life experience and wisdom because who wants to offload onto a 28 year old?

But what’s striking is that the four people we know are all dealing in their own lives with some mind blowing shit particularly with their families. Person one - son deals drugs and another son was accused of indecent exposure. Husband has been having a very obvious affair but friend won’t accept or admit it. Person two - 3 recent bereavements in a row, one of which was very unexpected. Person three - teenage daughter being brought home by police several times, been expelled, social has got involved. Person four - father caught shoplifting and has brought massive shame on the family because, he’s actually a local solicitor so it’s been very public and in the local paper.

DP isn’t much of a deep thinker and thinks that this is just normal life stuff and has no bearing on a their decision to go into counselling. I on the other hand am more cynical about their motives in changing careers now and think there’s something a bit voyeuristic about wanting to hear about the ‘dirt’ and sad, awful things in other people’s lives. I wonder if they use their job to feel better about their own experiences.

YABU - no of course not, they’re motivated by wanting to help others

YANBU - they are basically driven by a need to know that other people have shitty lives too

I think having your own shit can really help as a therapist for insight and empathy. My personal experience brought me a therapist who was the right combination of Gabor Mate and Jordan Peterson. He was completely empathetic and gave you an ass kick every session. You need to be pretty together to carry that off no matter what your background, this guy was more together than either Mate or Peterson.

I think almost all adult humans are troubled with unresolved issues, and if you start asking them to open up they will.

Counselling training makes you explore your issues and your relationships with yourself and others. That will bring things up for anyone and everyone.

No one is going to sit there in a counselling role play and say 'I'm fine today - no issues, thanks'.

*Do you know who make really good counsellors? People who don't judge other people based on what's happening in their lives/ their income/ their past.

*Exactly this. I can't believe how judgemental this post is. As far as I'm concerned I would much rather talk to someone who has had their own lived experience and can empathise when someone is struggling with their mental health.

At one time I was enrolled in a Masters of Counselling. A highly competitive course with very careful selection. I've known a lot of counsellors. I didn't finish as I decided to go off in a tangent direction. All the counsellors I've known were just standard everyday people, some with challenges in life, some less so. Some I would have felt more confident talking to than others. Many were doing it because of their current career and wanting to develop counselling skills, not because they wanted to become counsellors but because they wanted to be better at supporting those they already worked with.

I did it because I seemed to be good at it, I found it really satisfying to see people do well through it, and I genuinely cared.

I don't plan to work directly as a counsellor but I wouldn't hesitate to seek out one if I needed it.

I'm a 28 year old Psychologist, I work for the NHS in a specialist service (think schizophrenia) and have no issues working with people of all ages, from 14 to 65. I've worked in MH all my life, I don't have lived experience, but nor do I pretend to, and I am still able to relate and empathise with my service users.

As above, counselling psychologists are regulated, it requires a doctorate etc, whereas anyone can do a 'counselling course' and technically call themselves a counsellor.

All the psychologists I know via the NHS are lovely, lovely people.

I agree and I have found (professionally and personally) that if you really start talking to people, everyone has something going on in some way.

Most people are going through crap in their life, it is good when people can use those experiences to help other people.

Hm. Counsellors should absolutely not be using their own experiences to help other people though. When in the therapy room it is only about the client, not the counsellor. This is why counsellors have to have their own therapy and supervision - to process and deal with all the trauma that is an inevitable part of living, so that they don't bring their own issues in to their client's therapy.

A few people have mentioned counsellors giving advice - counselling is meant to be more about helping people reach their own decisions, not telling them what to do.

I am not a counsellor but have worked in MH and have had therapy. I chose a therapist with a string of serious qualifications from reputable universities and decades of NHS experience. Expensive but paid for itself in the end. If that/NHS is not an option, I'd strongly recommend looking for therapists/counsellors through reputable organisations like MIND.

It's a case of 'do as I say, not as I do'

Yes, it's very important to recognise that just because you have had a similar experience, even the very same experience at the same time, you might have experienced it very differently, so you can't impose your own experience on the other person. This is why proper training is so important.

It's not limited to unregulated services either. I've worked with two registered mental health nurses with current diagnoses of personality disorder who are being treated while they work, and many many more with other mental health issues. I know a high percentage of the population has mental health issues at any one time, but you have to wonder which came first, and if it's appropriate to be treating people.

It's not about counsellors using their experiences directly or bringing them into the room - it's more about the process they've been through as a result of dealing with their own issues.

Understanding what it is like to feel a certain way or go through a difficult time gives you a perspective and a type of empathy.

Of course they should not bring their own issues into the room. But that doesn't mean they aren't using their own experiences to help others. Our experiences give us perspective and make us who we are - without them, we are nothing .

Experience gives us the ability to relate and understand, and that impacts the relationship and their ability to empathise.

It doesn't mean you need to have had awful life experiences to be a counsellor - nor does it mean you'll automatically be a good counsellor if you have.

But what it can mean is that you have an ability to empathise and understand, and have been though the process yourself, so through your own experience, you have some idea of how the client may be feeling.

I know 3 girls- aged 30-35 who have refrained as counsellors. 1. Is self absorbed and can’t even clean up after herself and literally sits around backbiting about her MIL who gives 100% of free childcare to her daughter. 2. Selfish and self cantered 3. Batshit crazy

I did the initial counsellor training a few years ago, not to actually do it as a career, but because my stepchildren were dealing with some unimaginable shit that will be ongoing for years and years and I wanted to know how to better support them (as the services they were offered were frankly fucking awful).

The first stage was really helpful in learning listening skills, encouraging people to lead conversations etc, but I can see how (if anyone had known I was doing it) it would have appeared I was jumping career off the back of a trauma.

Maybe some of your friends are using it as a coping mechanism/won't actually go into the job? It's a bit commitment, both emotionally and financially, and frankly, not one id be prepared to make with the hangovers I have from our family circumstances. I think you need to go in with a relatively clean slate in order to not get dragged down.

I know someone who is training to be a marriage counsellor but is openly verbally abusive toward her husband. She berates him in front of others, slags him off all the time and the poor guy looks permanently defeated.

When she shared her plans to retrain with a few of us, there was this stunned, awkward silence.

I knew someone with bipolar who refused to take medication despite obviously struggling with it. She wasn't in a good place mentally, lots of black and white extreme thinking, snap judgements and out of character, risky behaviours. She decided it was the perfect time to train as a counsellor.

It did give me some very serious concerns as I thought she wasn't able to make rational decisions on her own life at the time, let alone advise someone else. I asked her for advice on some rather difficult personal issues and her responses were very odd. If I'd taken her advice I would be in a very different, much worse situation in my life right now. When she was medicated and supported she was an entirely different person with much more balance to her advice.

People who train to counsel others should be screened for more severe mental health issues. Conditions that can impact your interpretation of events and interpersonal relationships should be well managed and under control before they are allowed to guide patients. In the case of more severe conditions, a yearly mental health medical might be in order. Patients are very much at risk and vulnerable, and this is something we lose sight of in our pursuit to be inclusive.

I think it’s somewhere between the two, possibly? Or perhaps that they want to help others but also want to be able to solve something. I’ve often wondered this but more in the context of friends who had MH problems and anorexia and go in to professional jobs involved with those straight away. I think there may also be an element there of wanting to stay in a world where they feel comfortable.

I studied psychology at university and have various friends who went on to be clinical or educational psychologists. They are totally normal people with the usual ups and downs - they work hard with some very difficult situations, because that is what professionally qualified psychologists in the NHS do.

Over the years I have also seen half a dozen people I know change direction and become life coaches, counsellors etc. Their qualifications are variable and I would have to say the change came from problems in their own life, and I would not take advice from any one of them. BUT I believe their motives are good - it is not that they want to be privy to other people's problems, it is just that they want to give others the support they have found helpful.

Proper training and supervision will help them decide whether it's the career for them.

It does seem to be a bit of thing - I have two friends who have retrained as counsellors, from professional roles, but they are both extremely intelligent and lovely, lovely generous people.

I can counsellors in my teenage years, when I was being bullied in later life at work and then briefly over lockdown.

I can honestly say hand on heart there are only 2 out of those counsellors who were any good. The rest were very questionable including one who tried to put it into my head at 20 that all my issues stemmed from my DM (they didn’t and I told her so!) and then wanted me to punch cushions to let out my anger (didn’t want to do either of those) and when we finished our sessions completely asked me to choose a small ornament from her “shrine” to help me, I felt awkward and did it but it meant nothing to me! Comparing her to a counsellor I had before who was lovely and listened (and gave feedback) and I felt after our sessions that a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Training of counsellors helps a lot too though. And also life experiences.

Your friends sound very interesting, no dullards on your watch. Sounds like all of you have some very valuable life experiences with which to guide others.

I don't think it's about giving the support they found helpful. I entered professional training without a single day of counselling or professional support of any kind under my belt.

Counselling regulations in the U.K. are shocking. A relative showed me a text from his counsellor - a very misogynistic text (saying he won’t counsel feminists) that wouldn’t have been out of place in an incel forum.

Scarily this ‘counsellor’ does relationship counselling and sees women alone in his office. I doubt they know his real views.

Do you know who make really good counsellors? People who don't judge other people based on what's happening in their lives/ their income/ their past.

I agree with this but do think that having personal counselling should be mandatory on all qualifying counselling or psychotherapy courses, as it was on mine (a post grad course). The very best therapy helps you become more self-aware and that’s something you need if you’re going to be a truly effective therapist. From what I understand, on Levels 4 and 5 courses you do in FE colleges, personal therapy is generally encouraged but it’s not mandatory.

I agree that there are a lot of unregulated and poorly trained counsellors and therapists out there - it is very much a case of caveat emptor and, of course, vulnerable, fragile potential clients may well not be in a headspace to make a good choice.
However a good counsellor or therapist can
help enormously. In terms of whether they are going through or have gone through “stuff” themselves, well they almost certainly have. It is OK for this to inform their work “in the background” but what is not OK is for them to be telling clients “Oh yes, I’ve been divorced three times” or “I’m terrified I’ve got cancer” or whatever.
In terms of the risk of dual relationship, I think is is totally unacceptable for a professional to give a friend formal counselling or therapy but, obviously, when a friend comes to them with an issue, their professional experience and training is going to influence what they say and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.