Are all counsellors dealing with their own shitty situations too?

[Whybeacounsellor]

So my DP and I have been noticing a new trend amongst our friends which is that between 45 and 50 they quit professional jobs to retrain as counsellors. Fair enough in a sense that they are of an age to offer some life experience and wisdom because who wants to offload onto a 28 year old?

But what’s striking is that the four people we know are all dealing in their own lives with some mind blowing shit particularly with their families. Person one - son deals drugs and another son was accused of indecent exposure. Husband has been having a very obvious affair but friend won’t accept or admit it. Person two - 3 recent bereavements in a row, one of which was very unexpected. Person three - teenage daughter being brought home by police several times, been expelled, social has got involved. Person four - father caught shoplifting and has brought massive shame on the family because, he’s actually a local solicitor so it’s been very public and in the local paper.

DP isn’t much of a deep thinker and thinks that this is just normal life stuff and has no bearing on a their decision to go into counselling. I on the other hand am more cynical about their motives in changing careers now and think there’s something a bit voyeuristic about wanting to hear about the ‘dirt’ and sad, awful things in other people’s lives. I wonder if they use their job to feel better about their own experiences.

YABU - no of course not, they’re motivated by wanting to help others

YANBU - they are basically driven by a need to know that other people have shitty lives too

A week intensive is not what I have seen in accredited counselling courses. University level counselling courses I'm aware of all require at least 140+ or so hours practicum on top of many months of training before they are even allowed to do that.

A person I know is training to be a counsellor. She is difficult and obstructive, no doubt stemming from a childhood that was abusive. She is opinionated and manipulative. She is not someone I would ever want to be counselled by.

I actually think most counsellors are nice people who mean well.

But I also don’t believe it is beneficial. I think it is headed by people who have become extremely rich by insisting that it is the way to ‘cure’ any issue from eating disorders to marital problems to addiction to low self esteem. If there is one thing I know it is that there is money to be made from desperation.

Oh, life coaches for sure, has anyone read a life coaching bio that didn't read like ..Sheryl was shit at everything she tried and, after her last business failed, she became a life coach and now trains a collection of successful CEOs to get their life together 🤣

I find this extremely worrying, as I have had a lot of counselling and therapy over the years. I've been to CBT, neuropsychiatry and a therapist specialising in trauma. All through the NHS or a woman's domestic abuse charity. This gives me more confidence that they were genuinely qualified. Some were better than others.

I have to say that I didn't like talking to a man as much through the NHS talking therapies. He did a lot of mansplaining about irrelevant things I think. Like how I should be eating meat (I'm vegetarian), and the government is pushing people to go vegan. It was all a bit conspiracy theory for me.

I suppose it's the therapists on those better help things and things like that? Vulnerable people need to be more protected, and the industry needs better regulations I think.

I've had counselling and the person I had it with was an acquaintance so did it for free outside of her day job as I had no money at the time (was getting dangerously close to bankruptcy for factors beyond my control).
She is lovely, was very excellent, and it made a massive difference!
If I had been paying it would have been worth it!
Her clients are NHS so they don't pay either (though NHS does of course, but I'm glad it's on offer).

I have a degree in psychology, I have no interest in training to be a counsellor or therapist or undergoing counselling or therapy. Who is best placed to help you someone at the top of the mountain or someone 3 steps ahead of where you are ?

You cannot expect qualified pyschologists to be interested in for example couples' therpay.

Oh god yes we had mental health first aiders for a while. Good grief if you weren’t struggling before you spoke with them you would be after.

That is deeply unethical.

What's unethical about it, when the person who benefitted from it is telling you what a tremendous difference it made to them?!

Get (deeply) over yourself.

when i temped in mental health dept most of the applicants for jobs were people with mental health problems themselves, it was a known fact, they feel they have more understanding

Trained psychologists, no.

People who have done a counselling qualification - totally. They are definitely a type (and it was usually a toss up whether they retrained to become a life coach, or a massage therapist or something like that).

Not the poster you're replying to but it is considered unethical to counsel someone you have a relationship with or know. It's called a dual relationship. Just as doctors don't treat family members, a counsellor can't operate dual relationships. There are a lot of issues with this.

The issue is there's no specific course requirement to call yourself a counsellor. So there could be one private counsellor who did a week's online course and another who trained for four years and has 200 hours of supervised counselling under their belt before they are set free in the world. Continuing professional development and monthly supervision is recommended but not mandatory. Counselling organisations in charities/local authority and nhs vary between having accredited counsellors (meaning they have completed a course considered to reach a certain standard), students who are getting their hours

I’ve never known a psychologist who has been completely balanced. Every single one I know has deep seated issues.

But that’s not to say it’s not
motivated by altruism. It’s a tough job and they have my respect.

I've never known a human being who is completely balanced and who doesn't have some sort of issue. The older they get, the more likely they are to have some sort of serious trauma. Psychologists and counsellors are no exception to the human condition.

I started training years ago but didn't see it through. The class was full of people with serious issues themselves who obviously saw it as some sort of outlet (we had counselling role play sessions as part of the training so a LOT came up). It was really startling - I think a lot of troubled individuals with unresolved issues are drawn to it.

Most counsellors I know have been very fragile themselves and with a incredible number of issues. I have ended up having zero confidence in them. Maybe I have had bad luck.

I think your use of the word 'voyeuristic' in this context is unreasonable.

You are right that people go into counselling for all sorts of reasons and sometimes (even often) they have had difficult life experiences themselves.

This isn't mutually exclusive with wanting to help others.

Going through difficult things gives us a life experience, perspective and empathy. All very useful things when thinking about helping others.

Perhaps some individuals are 'voyeuristic' - you know these individual friends - but as a general rule one thing does not lead to the other.

I trained to be a counsellor 15 years ago in my 30s. I did it because I'd had a shit time in the past and counselling helped me.

It's not about wanting to know other peoples' shit. In fact that was that put me off after a couple of years so much self indulgent twaddle - though obviously there was serious stuff too.

You have to have counselling yourself when you're training and practicing.

If you know about your counsellor's issues then they are failing as counsellors.

So yes, I think you have had bad luck.

Should add that the 'retraining' was in the evenings and weekends and I never did paid work it was all voluntary on top of my full time job.

Agree that counsellors are required to consider the potential implications of dual relationships, but that term isn't supposed to be applied to the nth degree. If it were, we would have lots of highly trained effective counsellors who aren't allowed to use their skills to help others in varying levels of distress outwith rigid 'professional' contexts and fee-paying arrangements. Such deprivation of liberty would be unethical. The previous poster described their counsellor as an acquaintance, which is a very different thing to family or friendship.

I’m a psychotherapist and I agree with the PP saying many people training are back door clients.
A good robust training will last 3 years or more and you will be required to have a minimum or around 35 hours per year of your own personal therapy. The rational for this is, your clients can only go as far as you have gone. If you are still holding onto unprocessed issues it may cause a blind spot and you can’t support your client.

The idea of a wounded healer, that someone who has suffered pain is well placed to support others, is common in the field. However, the person can only do so when they have fully recovered and processed their wounds.
I am registered with the UKCP a voluntary registration body, but it really gets my goat when I see unqualified and unprofessional people running things such as ‘womb therapy’ or birth trauma circles, when their biggest skill set seems to be marketing.
As for the person above saying it’s a way to get rich, I wish! According to BACP 71% of their members are earning under £30,000.

I dont think they are voyeuristic. I think a great many counsellors and life coaches are narcissistic and have very little life experience.

I have just got to the stage in my life where I am distrustful of a lot of therapy speak and the enabling of victimhood. I recognise the need for empathy but so many family members have reported the same thing, and found it far more helpful to take up a sport or hobby.