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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how anyone manages school drop offs and going to work?

417 replies

BobbidyBibbidyBob · 05/12/2023 15:03

Maybe I live in a bubble but bear with me.. I am expecting my first child. I currently leave the house at 07.30 and return home circa 19.30 5 days a week (commute to london circa 1.45hrs).

Now, I am aware this isn't necessarily sustainable, but the nursery we will likely use offer 07.30-18.30, so not too difficult to work with. But we live next to a primary school, drop off seems to be circa 08.40. Am I an idiot for wondering how people (seemingly mostly mothers) manage this and get to a job for 9am? Do they just.. not? I find it hard to believe they all have cushty wfh jobs with flexibility but maybe i am wrong? Work part-time? Use childminders or family to do drop offs?

Please someone tell me how you managed this. i haven't even had the baby and am worried about it!

OP posts:
NoCloudsAllowed · 07/12/2023 16:04

You take it one step at a time and see what works for you, op. You only really need to worry about finding something for after mat leave. If it doesn't work, you change provider, change hours, change job, move house.

I think you're getting worked up about finding a solution that will work for the duration of your child's childhood, you're in this for the long haul so chill out. There's a lot you don't know about how you'll feel and what your child will be like.

I'd put good money on you not wanting to have such long days, though.

Original poster
BobbidyBibbidyBob · 07/12/2023 16:07

spriots · 07/12/2023 15:52

Can you move closer to work?

Show quote history

Unfortunately not, we moved from London so we could buy a house. It isn't the end of the world - the commute can be shortened by not having to traipse across to the west end for example, and finding a job around Liverpool Street. But just lots to think about! And for the person who said "why didn't i think about it before i conceived" - the child will start school in 2028.. even the best laid plans can fall to pieces in that time frame!

OP posts:
Original poster
BobbidyBibbidyBob · 07/12/2023 16:09

N4ish · 07/12/2023 16:03

But aren't you jumping ahead a lot by worrying about primary school wraparound care? A lot of people here are pointing out the problems you'll have with a young baby in nursery for such long hours which seems like a more immediate issue.

yes, definitely - i am. i worry.. all the time. about everything. I completely agree the nursery and those hours are a more immediate issue but that is something that actually is doable if entirely absolutely necessary - which i hope it won't be.

OP posts:
Original poster
BobbidyBibbidyBob · 07/12/2023 16:11

NoCloudsAllowed · 07/12/2023 16:04

You take it one step at a time and see what works for you, op. You only really need to worry about finding something for after mat leave. If it doesn't work, you change provider, change hours, change job, move house.

I think you're getting worked up about finding a solution that will work for the duration of your child's childhood, you're in this for the long haul so chill out. There's a lot you don't know about how you'll feel and what your child will be like.

I'd put good money on you not wanting to have such long days, though.

Thank you, and I agree.. alot is beyond my control at this stage and I need to manage that a bit better! The economy is so doom and gloom i just panic about jobs and income alot.

OP posts:
Rosebel · 07/12/2023 16:16

I've got this problem from September and I still don't know what to do. None of the schools offer wrap around early enough for either of us. Or late enough for my current job.
I'm trying to get a job with more family friendly hours, but it's impossible at the moment.
DH seems to think a magical solution will fall from the sky. If I manage to sort it I'll let you know.

Original poster
BobbidyBibbidyBob · 07/12/2023 16:30

Rosebel · 07/12/2023 16:16

I've got this problem from September and I still don't know what to do. None of the schools offer wrap around early enough for either of us. Or late enough for my current job.
I'm trying to get a job with more family friendly hours, but it's impossible at the moment.
DH seems to think a magical solution will fall from the sky. If I manage to sort it I'll let you know.

Please! Good luck! Flowers

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 07/12/2023 17:22

BobbidyBibbidyBob · 07/12/2023 16:09

yes, definitely - i am. i worry.. all the time. about everything. I completely agree the nursery and those hours are a more immediate issue but that is something that actually is doable if entirely absolutely necessary - which i hope it won't be.

Show quote history

You've had some comments telling you that you will absolutely want to spend all of your time with the baby which could very well be true but it isn't always the case either.

I went back full time by choice and it is completely fine to feel that way too. Giving up my career wasn't something I wanted to do and it didn't change when I became a mother.

If you do feel that way, it isn't wrong. Mothers are allowed to have careers and fulfillment outside of motherhood.

Londonrach1 · 07/12/2023 17:26

Wrap around care, breakfast club, after school clubs, childminder, nanny, family members, friends etc. tbh your hours are mad and you won't see your child much so suspect you be reducing hours before child at school...it's a few years in the distance...enjoy your pregnancy and new born baby, baby, toddler and pre school years first x

Delatron · 07/12/2023 17:39

The problem is - when people argue men don’t have these problems it’s true - they may not see their kids all week and be ok with it. But that’s normally because the mother is at home mostly picking up the slack so voila they don’t need to worry.

Unless you have the Dad staying at home will both partners be happy with neither parent seeing their children all week and it being the nanny or childminder? Maybe you will be but just pointing out that unless the DH wants to stay at home then you need to be fine with that situation.

Lalanbaba · 07/12/2023 18:22

Breakfast club, after school club, staggered work hours and now luckily shorter commute.
My partner and I have always found a way to coordinate working hours. But prepare for endurance.
I only saw my lo mornings and weekends for 2 years. My partner picked her up and did bed time meanwhile I worked late shifts. He never did a drop off as working early mornings.

starsinthenightskies · 07/12/2023 18:28

Delatron · 07/12/2023 17:39

The problem is - when people argue men don’t have these problems it’s true - they may not see their kids all week and be ok with it. But that’s normally because the mother is at home mostly picking up the slack so voila they don’t need to worry.

Unless you have the Dad staying at home will both partners be happy with neither parent seeing their children all week and it being the nanny or childminder? Maybe you will be but just pointing out that unless the DH wants to stay at home then you need to be fine with that situation.

I don’t think the dad working more flexibly / going part time is such an outrageous option. Or if it is, it really shouldn’t be.

I personally think that’s a better situation in an ideal world than children spending 12 hours per day in childcare, 5 days a week.

SouthLondonMum22 · 07/12/2023 19:55

Delatron · 07/12/2023 17:39

The problem is - when people argue men don’t have these problems it’s true - they may not see their kids all week and be ok with it. But that’s normally because the mother is at home mostly picking up the slack so voila they don’t need to worry.

Unless you have the Dad staying at home will both partners be happy with neither parent seeing their children all week and it being the nanny or childminder? Maybe you will be but just pointing out that unless the DH wants to stay at home then you need to be fine with that situation.

What bugs me is it is usually other women judging women for working full time when they have husbands who generally work long hours and they clearly don't have an issue with that.

It's the double standards.

PollyG23 · 08/12/2023 00:29

I think it’s not just whether both partners will be happy with neither parent seeing their children all week but will the child be happy with that? It 100%ly doesn’t have to be the mother staying at home (and this expectation is thankfully changing) many companies are doing joint parental leave now but surely at least one of the parent should be around some of the time? Why bother having children just for the weekend? In the early years, in particular, it’s easy to live cheaply- trips to the park, library, play dates at friends, local forums for purchasing toys, books, equipment, clothes etc. Children grow up so quickly, it’s a real shame to miss the early bonding years. I’d seriously suggest discussing with your partner about one/both of you looking at flexing your working arrangements. I think you’d be burnt out on a 5 day a week commute like that tbh.

Bamboobzled · 08/12/2023 01:35

Not sure if you want an honest answer. That's obscene commuting and won't be sustainable as a parent without someone feeling guilt. I was a nanny to kids who's parents worked those sorts of hours. Personally that to me is a career life and not one where I'd have had kids.

Coffeeismyfriend1 · 08/12/2023 07:30

DH works nursing shifts so fixed it so he always does the later shift and starts at 10am. Childminder picks up and I collect from her at 5. She has our youngest from 9-5 too.

Most schools have a breakfast club that starts 7.30-7.45. Some have after school care that runs until 6 but worth checking as at ours it only runs until 4.30 which would be a struggle for me as I finish teaching at 4 and commute is 25 mins if traffic is good but it isn’t always so I leave at a time to allow 40-45 mins.

Tacotortoise · 08/12/2023 07:38

Beezknees · 07/12/2023 06:03

It's important for women to have financial independence. I did not work when DS was a baby and when I split up from my partner I ended up homeless.

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There is a lot of clear water bw being a SAHP and being out of the house 11 hours a day.

SENDintheClowns101 · 08/12/2023 08:05

I work p-t 3 full days, WFH with flexibility to work around my children. I wouldn’t manage otherwise

FUPAgirl · 08/12/2023 08:20

SouthLondonMum22 · 07/12/2023 17:22

You've had some comments telling you that you will absolutely want to spend all of your time with the baby which could very well be true but it isn't always the case either.

I went back full time by choice and it is completely fine to feel that way too. Giving up my career wasn't something I wanted to do and it didn't change when I became a mother.

If you do feel that way, it isn't wrong. Mothers are allowed to have careers and fulfillment outside of motherhood.

Edited
Show quote history

Of course it's OK to still have a career. But being out of the house 12 hours a day 5 days a week would mean neither parent would see the child Mon to Fri, many people would find that unsustainable. I worked 13 hour shifts twice a week when my DC were small and I found even that incredibly hard. People are just being realistic as to how tough this will be for op.

lololy · 08/12/2023 09:12

Totally understand and sympathise with this post . I couldn't do it when my daughter was preschool age . I massively struggled and had to give up my job.

Now she is in school and we are fortunate to have many factors in our life that has made working full time for me achievable

  • school is at the end of our road
  • my husband works from home a lot in the week and we split the drop offs and pick ups between us
  • I work from home 4 out of 5 days.
  • my job is flexible and understanding.

I appreciate my situation now is incredibly lucky and perhaps not common for a lot of professions, but i still wanted to comment because I totally understand the struggles as I was there before I had this job. If I lost my job tomorrow and my husband went into the office more (which he is wanting to do!!!) I had to get a new one , I would be in the same boat and trying to find something that was working from home. Otherwise I do not understand how people can physically be there to drop their children off and also get to a physical office in the morning .

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/12/2023 10:06

FUPAgirl · 08/12/2023 08:20

Of course it's OK to still have a career. But being out of the house 12 hours a day 5 days a week would mean neither parent would see the child Mon to Fri, many people would find that unsustainable. I worked 13 hour shifts twice a week when my DC were small and I found even that incredibly hard. People are just being realistic as to how tough this will be for op.

Show quote history

With some careers, that’s just the way it is and the alternative would be giving it up or at least there’s little flexibility until you progress.

It was like that for me until I progressed to a senior level and now I’m able to WFH and largely manage my own calendar which obviously means no commuting and I can almost always pick up DC earlier from nursery when it’s my day for pick up.

saffy2 · 08/12/2023 11:29

I’m a childminder so my job is flexible around my kids.
youd find a childminder or wrap around provision from the school or alternative.

Pipsquiggle · 08/12/2023 11:49

@BobbidyBibbidyBob
It feels like something has to give
Are you willing to look at relocation to make childcare easier and still keep your London weighted wage? Or would you prefer to change role - either at your current firm or a different one?
Where do you live now? Where do you work? Which sector?

I find the mumsnet hive mind on location / career suggestions very useful

SophieinParis · 08/12/2023 13:04

Part time, reduced hours, work from
home, wraparound, share with Dad. Tbh I don’t know any couple where both of them do long hours jobs. Normal
set up is one parent does the long hours big commute, the other does part time/works from home/standard 9-5 locally.

VioletSkies12 · 08/12/2023 14:30

You’re in London so bubble childcare and Koru kids would be great for you OP

Parker231 · 08/12/2023 15:07

SophieinParis · 08/12/2023 13:04

Part time, reduced hours, work from
home, wraparound, share with Dad. Tbh I don’t know any couple where both of them do long hours jobs. Normal
set up is one parent does the long hours big commute, the other does part time/works from home/standard 9-5 locally.

The parents we knew from DT’s school both worked full time to protect their careers and made good use of the schools wrap around care including holiday clubs. Neither DH or I had careers which could survive on part time hours when DT’s were young. DH and I are now in our early 50’s and both now working part time.