To insist we review all outgoings before cutting cleaner’s hours?

[Rainallnight]

We are very fortunate to be comfortably off and I realise this whole post is a first world problem.

Our cleaner comes twice a week. DP and I agreed this when I returned to work after DC, on the grounds that she simply doesn’t see stuff that needs to be done and it would fall automatically to me.

DP works full time, is the higher earner. I work slightly less than full time and am with DC when not in work.

Our outgoings are too high, and DP wants to reduce the cleaner to once a week.

I think the cleaner looks like the ‘easy’ thing to cut whereas there are hidden costs that could equally be reduced. For example, DP is supposed to be in charge of dinners (planning them if not actually making them) and the planning and shopping is often bad, which means we end up with a lot of expensive M&S convenience food, and Deliveroo.

That’s just an example to show what I mean.

I’m worried that cutting the cleaner will add more drudgery to my life, and want us to do a proper review of outgoing first.

AIBU?

DP is very dogmatic about things and finds it difficult to have a reasonable conversation about stuff like this so it would be good for my thought process to hear others’ points of view.

I don’t understand why the person who is working longer hours is expected to cook, meal plan and do the shopping. That’s a lot to expect of anyone. How about sharing the cooking, meal planning and shopping (as in do it together or you or take turns). Doing all the laundry is easy compared to all of that.

A cleaner twice a week seems excessive though. I agree about reducing to one day but compromising a bit on hours.

Most people I know have a cleaner but only one has someone 2 or 3 times a week and I think it's a bit mad. They are rich though!

If they think black and white they might see it as scrimping on food to afford what I'd at least class as a luxury.

That's not a dig though if you both work and have cleaner funds then that's just your life standard. Spending good on nice food can be absolutely brilliant but it's also easy to overspend I e multiple deliveroos, food waste ect. I do not think your unreasonable to both look through the finances and reshuffle. There may have to be some reshuffling of roles too.

A rough example - keep cleaner as is but op picks up cooking 2 x a week. Whatever your budget actual meal planning can go a long way.

Unless you live in a palace, once a week for a cleaner is enough.

he needs to be more sensible in his food shopping
can you sit down together and meal plan.
and he wants a rota for the cleaning, how do you see that working out?

Your username combined with this post made me smile!

I would much rather cook, meal plan and shop (online grocery delivery) than do all the laundry - just hate the putting away

I think M&S convenience food and Deliveroo is the obvious big expense if she’s not properly planning meals like she’s supposed to. Cutting the cleaner’s hours=more work for you by the sounds of it.

I would guess its because DP doesn't actually do the cleaning, even when supposed to. Whereas regular food has got to happen and can't be ignored or opted out of in the same way as vacuuming. But it can be outsourced at short notice and great expense of course, hence the problem.

DP is working longer hours. Since when does the partner who works longer hours be expected to do more of the housework than the partner who works less hours?

Many couples actually cook together. It makes it easier.

What about hello fresh? I find menu planning a big chore.

DP isn't expected to do more housework, you misread. OP gave laundry as an example of her doing nearly all the other housework, rather than as the only housework she does.

Of course it's sensible to sit down and review all out goings.
If you have a joint account you can start putting it into a spreadsheet and simply say we need to look at where we can save across the board so let's sit down and go through the spreadsheet...

I do this every 4 months btw it's good money management!

@spriots 😁I used to love cooking and some people would say I was a good cook. But, in recent years I’ve lost my enthusiasm and it’s become a chore. Being a parent I have to cook dinner every night. I don’t think I am as good at it anymore as I have lost my creativity. I can still cook the basics though. But I wish I was as good as Nigella and be able to whip up a scrumptious dinner party like her.

As for laundry I don’t do it every day. I insist that some clothes can be worn more than once before they need to be washed. Especially in the colder months. I find it relaxing to hang the freshly washed (smells so good) clothes on the line outside in the fresh air. I hang things on hangers so when they are dry I can put them straight into the wardrobe. I can fold laundry as I watch tv.

As for grocery shopping: Crowded supermarket, searching for items that have yet again been relocated in the store, having to scan all my groceries, loading them in the car, carrying heavy shopping bags up the stairs, putting groceries away is not very enjoyable.

For me, cooking is so much easier when you are doing it with someone else. I know that some people prefer to cook on their own though.

I was a kitchen hand in my younger years (when I was a student) so I got used to food prepping with other people. It is so much more fun and less of a chore.

So your partner is a bit of a bully that wont listen, doesn't respect you, doesn't share the load and is now intent on adding to your work load?

Doesn't sound like a healthy balanced relationship.

Insist on all outgoings be priced up first.

As for grocery shopping: Crowded supermarket, searching for items that have yet again been relocated in the store, having to scan all my groceries, loading them in the car, carrying heavy shopping bags up the stairs, putting groceries away is not very enjoyable.

That does sound a bit rubbish but we just order online!

@TrashedSofa I was responding to what you wrote, not what the Op wrote. ‘I would guess it’s because DP doesn't actually do the cleaning, even when supposed to.’

Having a cleaner once a week should be making it a great deal easier than for many of us who don’t have a cleaner at all. I really don’t think that twice a week should be necessary.

I do all the housework. No cleaner to vacuum, mop, clean the bathroom, toilet, sinks, wipe the kitchen benches. I do all that.

Apart from cleaning up after ourselves it only needs to be done once a week.

With a cleaner (even if they only came once a week) what other housework would Op need to do other than laundry, loading the dishwasher, tidying up after the kids? It’s not a lot really.

I do all the housework, cooking, meal planning, shopping, laundry and mowing the lawns.

The Op’s partner (who works longer hours) is doing the grocery shopping, meal planning and cooking but just not up to the standard that Op expects. And whether or not the Op is male or female, I don’t think that’s being reasonable. Op’s Dp is making a significant contribution to the household chores yet is being made out to be lazy.

The difficulty with cooking together as a solution is that it's concentrating parental resources. It only works if both parents have finished work and neither is needed for anything else like looking after a DC young enough to need supervision still or taking an older one to clubs. So it may be practicality more than preference. It might work sometimes, but from what OP has said, it isn't likely to solve the issue.

When we were both working full time and the kids were small ( DH is retired now) we used to do a 3 month review on who was doing what, if it worked and see what we help we could reasonably buy in.
Would your DW be up for a discussion like that @Rainallnight ?

A cleaner twice a week does seem like a lot. How many children do you have?

We have a cleaner once a fortnight and it's really not difficult to keep on top of things in between.

Does it really need to be cleaned twice a week?

@spriots I tried ordering online (I am not in the UK) and every time it was delivered I would have items that were somehow unavailable and substituted with something completely different, smashed/damaged produce and one time (the last time and never again) fresh produce covered in leaked cleaning fluid and had to be thrown away. So, I prefer to do it myself.

Then why did you write 'Since when does the partner who works longer hours be expected to do more of the housework than the partner who works less hours?'. Because nobody has said that at all.

Neither does the laundry comparison make sense in that context. Even if you want to argue that the meal planning and cooking as DP currently does it is a bigger job than the laundry, you still left all the rest of the housework out of it entirely, and you're only minimising the amount of work it involves now it's been pointed out to you what OP actually said. With no information about the size of the house, the age of the DC and how much time they spend in it, you can't decide it isn't a lot.

I think I'd say that I will personally pay for the extra cleaning day and DP can personally pay for any deliveroo/ready meals. How can she argue with that and you'll more than likely do better on the deal?

I’m baffled by posts like this. How do you know that the OP doesn’t need a cleaner twice a week? A PP said ⬆️ that it’s always a race to the bottom on these threads and she was right.

I’d have my cleaner more than once a week if she’d do it, she hasn’t got room. Second visit would be changing the beds amongst other things. I can afford to outsource as much as I want to.

I can’t buy extra free time but I can choose to make it. That extra couple of hours, taking my teen out for a walk/lunch, nine holes, swim, extra yoga class. You done have to justify farming it out.

Fwiw, I think DP sounds more disorganised than lazy.

Panic ringing Deliveroo for meals they can't really afford probably uses up more mental energy than buying some frozen pizza for banana skin nights and putting it in the oven. It's one of the ironies about planning, not doing it often makes your life harder overall.

DP is being very unreasonable!

You do the life admin, work almost full time, do the childcare when you’re not working, do the laundry and goodness know what else!

@Rainallnight, if you don’t want to lose the cleaner, you need to be strategic.

Make a list of all the household/family tasks that you do, solely!

Make a list of all the household/family tasks that DP does solely and also any that you have to help her with, such as the meal planning/shopping, which is a huge waste of money if it’s all convenience food.

Then make a list of every single task that needs to be done in the house, so it looks like this:

BEDROOM

Tidying
High dusting
Low dusting
Vacuuming
Launder bedding
Polish furniture
Wipe down skirting board
Clean window sill and inside of windows
Dust lampshades
Clean pictures and picture frames
Clean mirrors

EN-SUITE

List all the tasks, high dusting, windows, shower, etc.

I hope that your cleaner is doing all that, and I’m sure they probably are, as cleaning is easy, if you keep on top of it!

Once you’ve made your list, and included meal planning, shopping and meal prep to be done on Sunday!, then you can put names next to each job! Include laundry, washing out the bin, everything!

If you require help to make a list, please message me, I’ll be happy to send you a complete list! Also, make it clear to DP, that if she wants a clean home, rather than just a tidy one, and don’t move the ornaments 😉, then she has to be prepared for the housework to take up about 6 hours per week, with you doing the other 6 hours (I’m including laundry in that as well).

Then the meal planning, shopping and meal prep, is going to be quite a few hours initially, until DP sets up a good system, and evening meals should be able to be lunches for the next day, to make things easier and save money, if you’re currently paying for lunch. Doing this will save heaps of money!

Then allocate which life admin tasks that you are responsible for and which one's are DP’s!

Make sure you allocate childcare tasks as well. Since you do the majority of care whilst DP works, then she should take the reins after she’s cooked dinner and cleaned the kitchen, loaded the dishwasher/washed the dishes, etc.

Hopefully by doing this, you will open her eyes to the reality of being working parents and juggling it all between you.

Can it be done? Of course it can, I did it, as do millions of parents, but if you don’t have to do it, then why would you?

I would also make the point that in this current COL crisis, does DP really want to fire the cleaner? Surely cutting back on takeaway coffees/paying for lunches/dyeing your own hair, is better than firing the cleaner?