To insist we review all outgoings before cutting cleaner’s hours?

[Rainallnight]

We are very fortunate to be comfortably off and I realise this whole post is a first world problem.

Our cleaner comes twice a week. DP and I agreed this when I returned to work after DC, on the grounds that she simply doesn’t see stuff that needs to be done and it would fall automatically to me.

DP works full time, is the higher earner. I work slightly less than full time and am with DC when not in work.

Our outgoings are too high, and DP wants to reduce the cleaner to once a week.

I think the cleaner looks like the ‘easy’ thing to cut whereas there are hidden costs that could equally be reduced. For example, DP is supposed to be in charge of dinners (planning them if not actually making them) and the planning and shopping is often bad, which means we end up with a lot of expensive M&S convenience food, and Deliveroo.

That’s just an example to show what I mean.

I’m worried that cutting the cleaner will add more drudgery to my life, and want us to do a proper review of outgoing first.

AIBU?

DP is very dogmatic about things and finds it difficult to have a reasonable conversation about stuff like this so it would be good for my thought process to hear others’ points of view.

I think a cleaner once a week is enough, surely?

And it would be, if both adults in the house took on the day to day stuff and the cleaner came and did the main big clean.

Doesn't sound like that's happening though

And will impact on the cleaner, although not @Rainallnight‘s problem, the cleaner is still a human who needs to work.

It sounds like the household have sufficient funds that it isn't about what's 'enough' but rather what luxuries they should prioritise. So a cleaner isn't a necessity, but potentially neither is the amount OP mentions them spending on hairdressers. It isn't immediately obvious why the cleaner is a more or less important use of discretionary funds than Deliveroo. They need to talk about it.

For those asking about the cleaner, she’s highly sought after in our area and wouldn’t have any problem making up the hours elsewhere

I am just amazed that people have a cleaner twice a week!

I am a full-time working single mum of two and manage to do my own cleaning, washing, shopping and cooking.

Sorry, that doesn't answer your question but I am struggling to relate to potentially 'only' having a cleaner once a week.

Having read your updates, I think writing down what all outgoing are is fair enough, and a compromise could be reached.

You may find you save money overall if your cleaner is prepared to rustle up meals too as extra hours. We have someone cook basic family meals and it works out much cheaper than all the last minute Deliveroos etc were and healthier too. E.g. in an hour for which she is paid £15 she can make a big bolegnese that will do two meals. So including ingredients that's say £20 to cover two family meals. Vs say £45 a pop on Deliveroo for a single family meal.

Could you swap your partner's shopping and maybe some cooking against your laundry tasks? That way you'd get to control the food budget.

I know, and I think you’re amazing and I fully accept how we must seem to you.

Am I missing something here? It seems like some people have assumed the DP is a man and therefore are automatically siding with the OP.

If you have one child, work less than your DP, your DP does all the meal planning/cooking/food responsibility then I think you are taking the piss a bit to not pick up some of the cleaning and reduce the cleaner to once a week.

Doing the laundry only does not feel like a fair share of chores given I assume almost all the cleaning is done by the cleaner unless you’re particularly messy/grubby.

I think before you lose the cleaner I would look at menu planning and helping to implement it, now I know this is not your area but the cleaning will come under you if you lose the cleaner. Mine was a 3 week menu plan with a 6 week swap outs so some things only ever 6 weeks and one of those was a takeaway night.

Menu planning is easier than you think it just seems daunting when you first start, mine also had a shopping list for each week because I had a delivery/collect from the supermarket. There are loads of help online for planning and lots of batch cooking advice too ie Batch Lady on YouTube.

First, make a list of all the meals you would eat, I separated mine out into chicken, pork, fish , veggie etc so I had meals under each heading. Then worked out which things needed fresh ingredients that would only last a few days and others that were freezer/cupboard so tuna pasta bake falls under the latter category. I use frozen onions and peppers, tinned tuna and tinned tomatoes, crumbled tortilla chips on top then cheese etc.

Start with a one week plan and go from there. The problem is if you cut the cleaner's hours they may not be able to slot you back in if the decision is made to have her back. Food planning is not only cost effective but also stops food being thrown out. You can also look into roasting down veg to make soups or to freeze rather than bin it.

The OP has referred to their partner as "she" so we know they are female.

But this then moves a job that's the Partners onto the OPs plate. Why should she?

Because the OP has listed her only other household chore as laundry.

To be honest, if you both work full time or nearly full time and the Dc aren't home during that time surely your not making a huge mess in that time and can reduce to once a week? Or are you all slobs or something?

Why don't you flip it and suggest cutting down costs on the ready meals/Deliveroo. If she's serious about saving some money she will surely jump at the chance and then it's 'her' chore rather than yours that will need more effort

@SecondUsername4me because a couple of hours spent making a menu plan when you start from scratch saves you the continuation of housework for years to come. It doesn't make the menu plan become the OP's responsibility full time, you have to play to your strengths. One of the biggest relationship killers is contempt. Resentment will build because the OP will be doing more housework with the OP's partner not doing their share and they will still be having Deliveroo meals because the OP's partner cannot menu plan.

Plus when the OP is home she has the child so it isn't like a cleaner who isn't multi-tasking. Ds used to do 3 full days at nursery because they didn't do half days, on that half day that I wasn't working I was able to a lot in the house because I didn't have a child under my feet, was just able to get on with it, just like a cleaner, which I have been by the way.

I’d cut both the food bill by planing and the cleaner to once a week. I can’t imagine needing a cleaner more than once a week.

I’d give up loads of stuff before I gave up/cut down hours for my cleaner so YANBU.

I’m a FT lone parent doing a PhD in my spare time and what little free time I have beyond that is extremely precious to me. I do budget and move cash into a starling account food/petrol/going out the month. I stick to it more often than not.

Meal planning is a good move, I batch cook two of four things once a month and freeze 6-8 portions of each dish. That means I have two good quality ready meals on a rota each week if I don’t feel like cooking. I don’t have takeaways ever but I do buy from Cook or M&S. Ready meals are expensive but so is decent quality food to cook with.

Target for takeaway (once a fortnight or once a week etc)

Reduce cleaner to once a week and get a robot hoover

Look at other expenses and find ways to reduce eg hair cuts no more than every two months etc

As someone who is considering a cleaner for the first time ever after their boyfriend moved in, I think you are not unreasonable because it isn't just the actual cleaning or the cost that's the issue. Your partner doesn't see something and think it needs cleaning (therefore taking 2 mins to clean it) and you do, so the resentment builds up because you feel like you're cleaning up after them.

It's irrelevant if the other person works longer hours or earns more unless you have specifically agreed that you will do the cleaning. If they don't notice that something is dirty (or they do a bad job of cleaning it) no matter what kind of rota you have your house will still be dirty. I am a bit biased because I'm going through this right now but having a dirty house stresses me out and cleaning up after someone else is filling me with bad feelings.

It sounds like your partner needs to pull their weight in an area that no one else can help with (like you said, food shopping so you don't have to get expensive food) as you can't pay someone to help with that. Another option could be getting a cheaper cleaner. I thought I would have to pay about £20ph but have been recommended someone who is £12ph and the savings will build up

I think what you - and I mean both of you - need to do is create a list of your outgoings by category. Then it should be pretty obvious where savings can be made.

It might be an idea to sign up to one of those recipe delivery things where they send the ingredients for weekly meals. Cheaper than a takeaway and more healthy.

But sorry yes a twice weekly cleaner does seem like a bit of a luxury. Most working DPs with young DCs live in less than perfect conditions and providing the basics are being picked up on a weekly basis that seems good enough. Plus yes Eufy robohoover is a good investment.

If OP's DP is doing the bigger share of working outside the home and providing income, meal planning, shopping and cooking and the cleaner is doing the cleaning, what is OP doing? Laundry isn't a big task. Presumably a small amount of childcare whilst her DP is working and s/he's not, which is cancelled out by the DP's extra working hours. What else, because that's nothing like a fair share yet?

I would think cleaning (all of it!) is a fair exchange for meal management, and I'd suggest sharing the laundry as being more fair. If OP doesn't want to do the cleaning, then they could take over the planning/shopping/cooking/washing up, and their DP could do the cleaning maybe?

I also love the phrase banana skin day @TrashedSofa and am borrowing this to help me with my meal planning which goes awry sometimes for the sort of reason you describe. Thanks 😁

@Rainallnight I think you do need to probe your situation a bit more. e.g. does your DP conceptualise her time as more valuable due to her higher salary? Do you concur, either consciously or subconsciously? I think a bigger conversation needs to happen where you look at all responsibilities, incomings and outgoings.