To insist we review all outgoings before cutting cleaner’s hours?

[Rainallnight]

We are very fortunate to be comfortably off and I realise this whole post is a first world problem.

Our cleaner comes twice a week. DP and I agreed this when I returned to work after DC, on the grounds that she simply doesn’t see stuff that needs to be done and it would fall automatically to me.

DP works full time, is the higher earner. I work slightly less than full time and am with DC when not in work.

Our outgoings are too high, and DP wants to reduce the cleaner to once a week.

I think the cleaner looks like the ‘easy’ thing to cut whereas there are hidden costs that could equally be reduced. For example, DP is supposed to be in charge of dinners (planning them if not actually making them) and the planning and shopping is often bad, which means we end up with a lot of expensive M&S convenience food, and Deliveroo.

That’s just an example to show what I mean.

I’m worried that cutting the cleaner will add more drudgery to my life, and want us to do a proper review of outgoing first.

AIBU?

DP is very dogmatic about things and finds it difficult to have a reasonable conversation about stuff like this so it would be good for my thought process to hear others’ points of view.

Let DP experience what one day a week cleaner looks like let the house go to shit without pickking up the extra load

I also love the phrase banana skin day @TrashedSofa and am borrowing this to help me with my meal planning which goes awry sometimes for the sort of reason you describe. Thanks 😁

You're welcome haha!

We have a cleaner once a week both work full time and don't really touch the house in between (dishes, spills etc are cleaned thats it). I would look at both so less takeaways and dropping to one day a week (let the house get a bit messy DC needs germs to build an immune system!!!) the use the extra money to do something fun on a weekend.

YANBU. I would look at cutting every other expenditure before reducing the help I get from our cleaner. It’s not just because I don’t enjoy cleaning, it’s because time has to be found to do it, which inevitably means less time with my child. Like many people, I already work very long hours including after my child goes to bed most nights and a few hours most weekends. I do not want to spend my limited non working time cleaning, when I could be playing with my child.

But also, if the cleaning would fall to you, then it is not fair of your partner to say that this is the cut to be made without assessing other expenses - because it impacts you more than her.

Totally agree you should look at everything if looking where to cut back - eg any subscriptions (amazon/tv/audible/gym etc) that could go, swap to cheaper phone contract, turn the heating down a little, no takeaway coffees, nails hair etc. There are loads of places to save if you are living a fairly luxurious lifestyle and it’s a question of finding cuts that are most acceptable to BOTH of you.

The DP is not male.

Well, that's you, isn't it? It is kind of annoying how these cleaner threads go, it becomes a pissing contest to see who is the hardest working/most put upon. It is envy, I think.

This is incorrect. The OP said

I totally get that, but I do most of the rest of the planning and general housework. I do all laundry, for example

Sounds like the OP does all household chores and admin except food(her dp) and the cleaning (cleaner).

What hours do you both work? Fulltime can be 60 hours a week, and nearly fulltime can be 20 hours a week.
Id map out what spare time you both have and how is fair and most cost effective to allocate it. Communication and planning required. If you think halving the cleaners time is a false economy or unfair, show her how and what would be fair.

I think it would be sensible to sit and work out a budget for life in general, what your outgoings are and where you feel you're overspending.

Twice a week for a cleaner does sound like a lot but if you could afford it by setting a more reasonable weekly food budget that sounds like a good compromise and wouldn't result in you doing an unfair share.

How old are DC?

It's very hard to live with someone who is basically phoning in her part of keeping the house ticking over and the budget healthy, who has no regard for your time or your energy. Basically someone who doesn't really respect you, and worse, thinks she's entitled to blow off your concerns, refusing to discuss problems.

I'd be having a rethink of the entire relationship because of the rigidity and the dogmatic tendency, and the refusal to have the conversation you want to have, along with the blithe assumption that you should spend your time doing drudge work while she continues to indulge her lazy streak and spend silly money on food deliveries.

If this were a man, there would be all sorts of alarm bells ringing.

YANBU to ask for a full review of finances, that's a given. From personal experience we found spending a little more at the outset on Gousto and a regular Ocado (with set basket we just edit) means less headspace and less food waste. We have a cleaner once a week, who I love

Sorry, what exactly falls under household chores that isn't food (planning/shopping/cooking/clearing up after) and all cleaning? Given that they and their DC are out of the house "nearly full time". There's laundry and ...?

Also I'd be interested to know the age of the child(ren). As OP says "I am with the DC when not in work". Very big difference between being with a 10 mo plus a 2 yr old plus a 3.5 year old full time on one day off a week, to being with school age child(ren) from school pick up daily.

My husband and I do a week meal plan every Friday when we do our big food shop. Works a treat. No food waste, no ready meals.

I am with you on this one. I'd delete the Deliveroo app or turn down the heating by a degree or two before I would cancel my cleaner; even though it's just two hours once a fortnight, for me it's the difference between sanity and chaos.

I think it's reasonable to sit down with her and look at how else you can cut costs.

@TrashedSofa I think every day of my life could be superbly described as a banana skin day. I have a banana skin life. Love it.

We have started to use lollipop- cheaper than hello fresh/gousto- and pretty easy. Links up to sainsburys online shop- saves time and headscarves with meal planning
Again I would save anywhere before getting rid of a cleaner....

I agree that paying for a cleaner when you're working is an absolute life saver. I'd rather live off porridge than cut my cleaners hours.
Sorry this isn't advice - just support!

My fave thing about online shopping is all the headscarves I save

We had a similar discussion! So I added up the costs of some of the nonsense we waste money on ( Deliveroo and food costs were there along with all sort of random stuff) and DW agreed the cleaner stays!
I do the ‘mental load’, all of the bill paying, most of the running with kids, most of the organisation, and work FT.
losing the cleaner who comes for a few hours a week and adding cleaning bathrooms to the endless list of shit that needs to be done would tip me over the edge…

Agree to cut the cleaners hours if your DP agrees to do batch cooking at the weekend?

The OP has said they do "most other housework" e.g. laundry. There's plenty of housework/other planning stuff:

Laundry (plus ironing)
Tidying
Bins
Packed lunches
Packing bags for children
Making beds (possibly including changing sheets?)
Car washing
Gardening

Edit: remembered a few more

Dishes and dishwasher loading and unloading
Interim cleaning - dining table and surfaces are likely to need cleaning daily
Exterior windows if you don't pay someone (I don't).

Then you have other stuff like children's doctors appointments, dentists appointments, opticians, immunisations, anything educational that needs sorting.

Then you have bills - no most don't need actively paying but you do have to search for new deals for gas and electric, internet, car insurance, home insurance, possibly breakdown cover, travel insurance, phone bills. Sending in meter readings. Checking the bills you get from electricity and water companies address actually right.

We don't know who does all these tasks but given OP said they work almost full time, look after the little one when not working and do most of the non-cooking non-cleaning household chores we have no reason to assume they don't in fact do that.

As can be seen from the lists above there's no shortage of them!

Know the feeling!

I think you’re right but also twice a week is a lot for a cleaner …

Twice a week for a cleaner is a dream. Mine comes once a week for 4.5 hours and it’s not enough with 2 FT working parents. I’d happily cut out Deliveroo to have the cleaner more. I think what’s at play here though is that your partner does next to nothing and thinks you should just pick up the slack