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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bridezilla best friend

448 replies

Poshpaddington · 05/12/2023 13:36

My best friend of 25 years is getting married in the new year. She’s always been “protective” of me, constantly texting & checking up on me, turning up at my door if I haven’t replied so she knows I’m ok etc. (drives me mad but it’s her).
Throughout this wedding planning she’s got worse and been quite mean towards me. My DP & MIL think she’s being controlling.
She asked my dress size, then disagreed that I was that size saying “you aren’t that small, absolutely not” then ordered my dress 2 sizes too bigger. I tried it on last night and it’s hanging off my shoulders, so I look like I’m a child playing dress up in my mums clothes 😂 she refuses to get it altered and won’t allow me to take it to get it done (she’s kept the dress with her).
Shes told me my hair is too short so expects me to buy extensions for her wedding - I have shoulder length hair.
She got mad at me as I didn’t buy the £200 shoes she’s wants me to wear but instead o found similar & in the exact same colour, just cheaper.
She made me pay £400 for my room at the venue as she wants me to stay the night before & wedding night. The venue is a 3 hour drive away.
she just text me saying that her fiancé will now be sleeping in my paid for room the night before & I need to sleep in her bed with her & her baby (wtf!?) and won’t pay for the sheets to be cleaned & changed as she doesn’t see an issue with it.
my DP of 10 years has only been invited to the evening part as she doesn’t want me distracted throughout the daytime (wtf!).
all the other bridesmaids have their partners attending the whole day, as I found out at the hen weekend.
she’s just told me she has a sash for me to wear at the wedding that says “no alcohol” so that the bar tenders only serve me soft drinks as she doesn’t want me to drink, at all, so I can help her all day.
i have allergies to food, which she knows about, but decided not to include that when booking the wedding food and just told me to “leave it on my plate” but I won’t physically be able to eat anything that has touched the food due to cross-contamination or I’ll be covered in hives 😣 & possible using my Epi pen.
The hen weekend was horrible - they all snubbed me the whole time. Nobody engaged in a conversation with me and every time I sat near any of them they moved away - my best friend told me it’s “because you aren’t a mum or married yet so it’s hard to relate to you” 🤔

would I be unfair to just leave this friendship after the wedding is over?

my MIL & DP don’t want me to even go to the wedding but I can’t let her down. It’s not fair. I really don’t want to go under all these circumstances but we do have a long friendship that I am honouring.

OP posts:
Seeingadistance · 05/12/2023 15:45

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

This.

Tell her to fuck off!

Pipsquiggle · 05/12/2023 15:46

My best friend ordered a bridesmaid dress that was way too big, at least she had the good grace to own her mistake and get it altered for me.

She sounds really awful (before the wedding as well - who turns up at your house if you don't answer a message?). I would not go.

Dontbeme · 05/12/2023 15:48

OP you do know this nutter is going to dump your "friendship" after the wedding and she has run you ragged on the day because she is married now and you will be difficult to "relate" to, just like the hen night.

Nowherenew · 05/12/2023 15:49

Why are you being so passive about this?!

Stop being such a pushover!

If she had said I need to spend £400 and stay overnight, I would have said no I’m travelling up the same day.

If she hadn’t told them about your food allergies then I’d say I cannot come to the meal then.

If the dress doesn’t fit then tell her you’ll be wearing something else instead and pick out a nice dress that you like, regardless of wether it’s her colour scheme or not.

Tell her that her DP won’t be sleeping in your room and he can book another one if he wants.
Tell her your DP will be coming to the hotel and sleeping with you in your own room.

She’s treating you like a mug because you’re acting like one.

I can guarantee that if you had put your foot down she would have accepted it because it’s either that or you aren’t there making her the centre of attention.

I would have ended things ages ago but if you want to go to the wedding that’s fine but make sure that you put your foot firm and stop being treated like her slave.

After the wedding tell her how awful she acted and that you never want to speak to her again.

Wishimaywishimight · 05/12/2023 15:52

You can say "wtf" all you like but you are as batshit as she is for going along with all of this.

Yet another example of the parallel universe that is MN. I don't know a single person in real life who wouldn't have told her to get stuffed long before now.

StaunchMomma · 05/12/2023 15:53

I voted YANBU but in reality you ARE being unreasonable, OP - unreasonable to put up with being treated like absolute shit by that woman and still plan to attend her wedding!

You have to take some of the responsibility for her behaviour because you have allowed so much to happen - she cannot MAKE YOU pay £400 for a room then put her fiance in it, she cannot MAKE YOU wear a dress that is too sizes too big or have extensions put in etc and she has the audacity to decide when you can and cannot drink alcohol?!!

Don't even get me started on your DP not being at the wedding or the food she refused to sort for you!!

OP, you are not her slave! A wedding is no way an excuse to treat supposed friends like shit.

FFS grow a backbone, return the shoes and tell her to stick her wedding up her insanely annoying and hugely rude backside!!

Listen to your DP on this, he ACTUALLY likes you!

Annonymiss123 · 05/12/2023 15:54

I voted YABU, but only because of this...

would I be unfair to just leave this friendship after the wedding is over?

Please don't be this woman's slave bridesmaid - she is making a fool of you. Take the £400 that you were going to spend on her fiancé's your room and have a lovely night away with your DP instead.

You deserve so much better.

NewFriendlyLadybird · 05/12/2023 15:54

She’s not your friend, you don’t need to be loyal to her. You certainly don’t need to pay £400 to attend an event at which, not only are you being asked not to drink, but you are being made to wear a horrible sash broadcasting the fact. That’s one of the most deliberately humiliating, bullying things I’ve ever heard of. Cancel now and don’t speak to her again.

SwedeCarrotLimes · 05/12/2023 15:55

Are their brides to be that actually behave like this in real life? And do people really exist that allow themselves to be trodden on in such a way?

StaunchMomma · 05/12/2023 15:55

The reason she treats you like this is because she has no respect for you.

The reason she has no respect for you is because you allow her to treat you like literal dirt.

Tell her to fuck right off.

It's YEARS overdue!

Theresit · 05/12/2023 15:56

I’m struggling believe any of this.

Suddenlychrimbo · 05/12/2023 16:00

What on earth has life done to you for you accept this level of bullying and abuse from a 'friend'?

As everyone has said, cancel the room booking ..if you lose the money so be it, sunk costs and all that..return the shoes.

If you go you will be a slave that no-one talks to, and you can't eat or have alcohol.

Please find the strength to away from this abuser.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 05/12/2023 16:00

Block her and cut your losses with what you've paid so far. She's awful

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 05/12/2023 16:01

Listen to your Mil and DP, they don't want you to go because they know you're going to be hurt and humiliated at the wedding and are trying to protect you.
She's not your friend, do not go to the wedding, she's using you and she doesn't like you very much.
Learn the lesson from the hen do.
A dress too big, a £400 room that you're not allowed to sleep in, hair extensions, shoes and a sash saying no alcohol (she may as well paint a scarlet letter on your forehead)
Your df is a nasty, spiteful bitch, cut her dead, do it today.
"Dear X, I will not be attending your wedding due to your unreasonable demands/expectations. I also no longer wish to be "friends" please don't contact me again"

wronginalltherightways · 05/12/2023 16:01

I'd leave the friendship now!

Cancel your hotel booking and tell her you're sorry, but you're pulling out of the wedding because her treatment and expectations of you are quite unreasonable. She clearly views you as a servant, not a friend, and you're not interested in being her servant.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 05/12/2023 16:01

She's exactly the person that if you had a wedding next she would make it so difficult and wouldn't attend or pay for anything and use her baby as the excuse

Sausage1989 · 05/12/2023 16:06

PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT REAL?!?!?!

Takenoprisoner · 05/12/2023 16:07

'I can't let her down, it's not fair.'

Honestly op, stop just stop. Can you hear yourself? The way she's treating you is abusive, you aren't allowed to treat paid staff like this, it would be illegal. She's treating you like a slave.

Just text her that you're stepping down because her behaviour is beyond disrespectful and you don't want to be her friend anymore, never mind her bridesmaid.

You don't need to have a face to face conversation, because she will guilt trip you. Her tuning up at your house is controlling, get someone to tell her to leave you or refuse to answer the answer the door if no one else is at home.

JANEY205 · 05/12/2023 16:08

Really finding it hard to believe this and that anyone would accept being treated like this…reported the thread but I see it’s still up.

OP cut this person off and walk away if it’s real. If it is real consider why so many of us find it hard to believe! I’d rather have zero friends than someone who treats me like scum :(

ZenNudist · 05/12/2023 16:09

Jackfrostnippingatmynose · 05/12/2023 13:50

Cancel the room, return the shoes and don't go the wedding. And let her know exactly why.
She's no friend to you - in fact I'd say she's batshit crazy!

Edited

This! Do this! The absolute cow.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 05/12/2023 16:11

I voted YABU. Because YABU to not knock this on the head before you have more money to pay out, more awkward times and potential anaphylaxis rather than after.

She is trying to use her wedding as an opportunity to humiliate you, I agree with others who've said the same.

FucksSakeSusan · 05/12/2023 16:11

Well, this wedding gives you the perfect reason to evict this person from your life. They are not your friend. They have not been your friend for some time. This reads like a abusive relationship and you are well shot of it.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 05/12/2023 16:12

MIL and DP are right. She's not even a friend let alone a best friend.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/12/2023 16:12

@Poshpaddington

For certain types of people, in friendships they must have a 'goat', and not in the 'modern sense'.

A 'goat' friend is one who the person (or a group) 'uses' to feel better about themselves. It's a friend they try to control to feel 'top dog', a friend that's belittled within the friendship group either by sly digs, 'exclusion' (ignoring or not inviting), by the other friends gossiping about her, or by embarrassing her. Often the person they think of as their BFF is the ringleader in 'goating' them. The goat is often made to feel 'special' by the person so they don't lose their goat. Does this sound familiar to you?

So much of 'goating' goes undetected in 'regular life'. But when there's a huge occasion, like a wedding, a special birthday, or a pregnancy, the temptation to 'super goat' them is too big to resist and what they normally do 'sub rosa' comes screaming out into the open.

So OP, give this all a good hard think and if it rings true, cancel the room, cancel anything else you've paid for (refund or no), and drop her like a hot potato. It's your decision as to what, if anything, you want to tell her about why you're doing it. I'd probably simply text "In light of your recent behaviour, I'm done with our friendship, it doesn't work for me anymore. Please don't contact me" then block her.

As far as talking to her directly, you need to realize that she'll never accept that she's in any way at fault so it'll only result in an argument and cruel words on her part. And whether you try to talk to her or you ghost her, she's going to run to everyone, twist your words, make herself a victim, and say what a terrible person you are.

Mamadothehump · 05/12/2023 16:13

Oh come on, surely this can't be true?! If it is, and you are even thinking about going along with this whole shit show then you are an absolute mug I'm afraid.