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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bridezilla best friend

448 replies

Poshpaddington · 05/12/2023 13:36

My best friend of 25 years is getting married in the new year. She’s always been “protective” of me, constantly texting & checking up on me, turning up at my door if I haven’t replied so she knows I’m ok etc. (drives me mad but it’s her).
Throughout this wedding planning she’s got worse and been quite mean towards me. My DP & MIL think she’s being controlling.
She asked my dress size, then disagreed that I was that size saying “you aren’t that small, absolutely not” then ordered my dress 2 sizes too bigger. I tried it on last night and it’s hanging off my shoulders, so I look like I’m a child playing dress up in my mums clothes 😂 she refuses to get it altered and won’t allow me to take it to get it done (she’s kept the dress with her).
Shes told me my hair is too short so expects me to buy extensions for her wedding - I have shoulder length hair.
She got mad at me as I didn’t buy the £200 shoes she’s wants me to wear but instead o found similar & in the exact same colour, just cheaper.
She made me pay £400 for my room at the venue as she wants me to stay the night before & wedding night. The venue is a 3 hour drive away.
she just text me saying that her fiancé will now be sleeping in my paid for room the night before & I need to sleep in her bed with her & her baby (wtf!?) and won’t pay for the sheets to be cleaned & changed as she doesn’t see an issue with it.
my DP of 10 years has only been invited to the evening part as she doesn’t want me distracted throughout the daytime (wtf!).
all the other bridesmaids have their partners attending the whole day, as I found out at the hen weekend.
she’s just told me she has a sash for me to wear at the wedding that says “no alcohol” so that the bar tenders only serve me soft drinks as she doesn’t want me to drink, at all, so I can help her all day.
i have allergies to food, which she knows about, but decided not to include that when booking the wedding food and just told me to “leave it on my plate” but I won’t physically be able to eat anything that has touched the food due to cross-contamination or I’ll be covered in hives 😣 & possible using my Epi pen.
The hen weekend was horrible - they all snubbed me the whole time. Nobody engaged in a conversation with me and every time I sat near any of them they moved away - my best friend told me it’s “because you aren’t a mum or married yet so it’s hard to relate to you” 🤔

would I be unfair to just leave this friendship after the wedding is over?

my MIL & DP don’t want me to even go to the wedding but I can’t let her down. It’s not fair. I really don’t want to go under all these circumstances but we do have a long friendship that I am honouring.

OP posts:
momonpurpose · 05/12/2023 15:17

You be unreasonable to not leave this friendship and the weeding

Toomanyemails · 05/12/2023 15:18

@Poshpaddington you're 'honouring a long friendship' but has she actually been a friend to you?
I'll join the chorus advising you to leave this friendship before the wedding. If that's too hard, absolutely do not stand for these extra costs and impositions - once you stop them, she may end the friendship herself which will be a good thing.

Neutral voice, maybe a bit bemused as if surely she's not really making these mad demands:
"I can't give up my room for you, you'll need to make other arrangements."
"I'm not going to wear hair extensions."
If she threatens to remove bridesmaid status, "It sounds like that's for the best. I'll look forward to supporting you as a guest!"

tachycardigan · 05/12/2023 15:19

Cancel the hotel asap! I hope it's refundable?

Do not go to the wedding.

Block and delete her, she's not protective of you, she's controlling you.

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 05/12/2023 15:19

Just out of interest-what is your worst friend like?

38woman · 05/12/2023 15:21

Bail completely and block. You don't even need to explain as she won't get it. You sound lovely and certainly more so than this woman and her awful friends.

BMW6 · 05/12/2023 15:21

Unbelievable. Literally.

🙄

LemonLight · 05/12/2023 15:22

Why would you even go along with this? I wouldn't wait until after the wedding. Cut your losses and leave now you have absolutely no obligation to put yourself in a toxic situation like this!

MardyMcBlowdry · 05/12/2023 15:22

The ONLY thing that you are being unreasonable about is maintaining this 'friendship' for a second longer. The bride-to-be is a complete bitch and you owe her absolutely nothing. Finish this right now and get a refund on anything that you can.

tolerable · 05/12/2023 15:23

shes NOT your friend. the leave on plate tells you how littlee she thinks of you-if you refuse to see all other pointers.the no alchol sash! shes horrrible.Tell her youre done.you hope she has a blessed life but consider your commitment to her madness terminated with immediate effect. no contact. rotten witch.

Outlookmainlyfair · 05/12/2023 15:26

There are so many 🚩🚩to her behaviour, the room the food that would be dangerous, just everything. Not unreasonable to not attend under those circumstances but could be worth checking in to see if she can redeem herself. As you said her behaviour before the descent into bridezilla drove you mad! Unless she can pull herself up don’t attend get a refund on whatever you can, shoes, room etc.

LifeExperience · 05/12/2023 15:27

I would leave the friendship before the wedding.

FirstTimeTTC989 · 05/12/2023 15:27

Why the fuck are you entertaining any if this? Don't go to the wedding. You won't get any money back for dress, hotel etc, but that's sunken cost. She is absolutely horrible and she is not your friend. She's trying to do everything to humiliate you!

OhwhyOY · 05/12/2023 15:28

I voted YABU because why on earth are you planning to go tothe wedding?! Sounds like she probably said horrible things to her friends about you and is otherwise doing everything she can to make you feel small. Get your money back and stop engaging with her, today!

MoreThanEnoughSoFar · 05/12/2023 15:28
Embarrassed Shame GIF

I can’t let her down.
Why?

I really don’t want to go under all these circumstances but we do have a long friendship that I am honouring.
No, no you don't. You have a long, toxic relationship of you submitting and she dominating you that you are maintaining because you don't want to upset your bully. Because she is a bully who take delight in putting you into one tiny cage after the other to hear you whimper and then submit. Some people are like that. They get a kick out of forcing their ideas on others, and the only thing you can do is say 'enough is enough.'

You are a grown woman so if you want to wear something that will make you look awful so she can feel better about herself and pay 400 pounds for a shared bed with your friend and a baby, that is your very strange choice to make.

But Darling... why should you be made to wear a sash telling people not to allow you alcohol? If you agree not to drink so you can be her slave all day (again, your own odd choice) surely your word would be enough?

The only reason I can think of is that she is implying that she can't trust you to stay away from alcohol, and that she wants everyone at the party to know you are such a drunk that everyone must police you or else you will start sipping from half-empty glasses. If that is the impression you want to give everyone there, go ahead. I'm just surprised she went with the subtlety of a sash. Surely a GoT shame bell would be more fulfilling for her need to embarrass you in public.

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 05/12/2023 15:29

I think she’s been walking all over you!
she’s not a friend.
she’s a user and a bully.

I would say sorry you can’t make it anymore because food allergy risk / cost / sleeping arrangements/ any other reason.

You don’t pay for the hotel room that her partner is sleeping in.

The custom is for the bride to pay for any ‘orders’ they make of their wedding party.

MNHQ
PipMumsnet · 05/12/2023 15:31

Hello everyone, we just wanted to gently remind you that we take a very dim view of troll hunting on the boards. As ever, if you have any concerns please report them to us and do not do so on a thread.
MNHQ

Halfacnut · 05/12/2023 15:33

would I be unfair to just leave this friendship after the wedding is over?

You ought to bin this "friendship" long before the wedding takes place.

oldperson1 · 05/12/2023 15:36

Sad for you but as everyone else has said walk away now she’s a controlling bitch not a friend

itsmylife7 · 05/12/2023 15:36

Absolutely no one would really put up with this.

fulawitt · 05/12/2023 15:38

Darling let her down gently. One hour before the wedding send Gollum a beautiful message, explaining that you are going on an extended weekend with the love of your life. You are not a pet, nor a toy. She has her ring, she does not need anything or anybody else.

redalex261 · 05/12/2023 15:39

Nope. No way. Don’t go. Cancel room and take shoes back. Send her a clear letter or email bullet pointing reasons in original post if you feel you owe her explanation (don’t think you do) to make sure it is absolutely unambiguous. That way you are worried about any mutual friends being fed a line regarding your unreasonableness in abandoning your post you can forward it to them for clarity. She is a class A psycho, and is treating you like a laughing stock - oversized dress, a fucking sash saying no alcohol!! Like don’t feed the goats at the petting zoo!! Never mind no partner and bed sharing!! If you can’t get the room refunded ask the hotel to move your booking to a different night and go with your partner. DO NOT sacrifice your room to her man. If you can’t get it moved or cancelled spend the night in the room YOU have paid for with YOUR partner - then go elsewhere for dinner, fuck her wedding.

Stuckinthe90s · 05/12/2023 15:39

This is not a friend and I'd be leaving the 'friendship' before her wedding.

Soundsmadeup · 05/12/2023 15:40

👆👆👆

Goneforaride · 05/12/2023 15:40

Please don't wait until after the wedding to cancel.... do it now. This woman is not your friend.

fulawitt · 05/12/2023 15:43

I would go no contact for now as well, who knows what she is saying behind your back ?