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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bridezilla best friend

448 replies

Poshpaddington · 05/12/2023 13:36

My best friend of 25 years is getting married in the new year. She’s always been “protective” of me, constantly texting & checking up on me, turning up at my door if I haven’t replied so she knows I’m ok etc. (drives me mad but it’s her).
Throughout this wedding planning she’s got worse and been quite mean towards me. My DP & MIL think she’s being controlling.
She asked my dress size, then disagreed that I was that size saying “you aren’t that small, absolutely not” then ordered my dress 2 sizes too bigger. I tried it on last night and it’s hanging off my shoulders, so I look like I’m a child playing dress up in my mums clothes 😂 she refuses to get it altered and won’t allow me to take it to get it done (she’s kept the dress with her).
Shes told me my hair is too short so expects me to buy extensions for her wedding - I have shoulder length hair.
She got mad at me as I didn’t buy the £200 shoes she’s wants me to wear but instead o found similar & in the exact same colour, just cheaper.
She made me pay £400 for my room at the venue as she wants me to stay the night before & wedding night. The venue is a 3 hour drive away.
she just text me saying that her fiancé will now be sleeping in my paid for room the night before & I need to sleep in her bed with her & her baby (wtf!?) and won’t pay for the sheets to be cleaned & changed as she doesn’t see an issue with it.
my DP of 10 years has only been invited to the evening part as she doesn’t want me distracted throughout the daytime (wtf!).
all the other bridesmaids have their partners attending the whole day, as I found out at the hen weekend.
she’s just told me she has a sash for me to wear at the wedding that says “no alcohol” so that the bar tenders only serve me soft drinks as she doesn’t want me to drink, at all, so I can help her all day.
i have allergies to food, which she knows about, but decided not to include that when booking the wedding food and just told me to “leave it on my plate” but I won’t physically be able to eat anything that has touched the food due to cross-contamination or I’ll be covered in hives 😣 & possible using my Epi pen.
The hen weekend was horrible - they all snubbed me the whole time. Nobody engaged in a conversation with me and every time I sat near any of them they moved away - my best friend told me it’s “because you aren’t a mum or married yet so it’s hard to relate to you” 🤔

would I be unfair to just leave this friendship after the wedding is over?

my MIL & DP don’t want me to even go to the wedding but I can’t let her down. It’s not fair. I really don’t want to go under all these circumstances but we do have a long friendship that I am honouring.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 05/12/2023 16:55

I've selected you are being unreasonable because I think you should leave the friendship BEFORE the wedding and not be part of the bridal party at all.

If she is as good a friend as you believe her to be, you need to have a heart to heart before this goes on much further. You need to tell her to stop showing up at your house if you don't reply according to her timetable. You need to tell her that the dress needs to be altered and it's not up to her as she isn't going to be the one wearing it. If it's not altered, she can forget about you taking part in the wedding, you'd be happy to show up as a regular guest instead. Put it up to her that her demands are unacceptable and unrealistic.
You're not going to get hair extensions as she has asked you to take part in her wedding as YOU, not some altered version of you.
Her H2B doesn't get to sleep in your room the night before. He makes his own arrangements to sleep in the hotel or nearby.
She doesn't get to commandeer you, your family, things that you have paid for any more than the woman on the street would be able to.

Stand up for yourself or back out of the wedding politely. She is a complete bridezilla and you'd be doing yourself a HUGE favour if you backed out now.

LAMPS1 · 05/12/2023 16:56

You need to honour yourself not your relationship with this coercive bully.

OP, it seems she has sapped your mental and emotional judgement over the years and you cant see the wood for the trees.

You MUST put a stop to this abusive relationship as soon as you can…certainly before the wedding. She is doing you real long-lasting damage the longer you put up with it.
You are enabling this behaviour from her …..encouraging her to be ever-more controlling and manipulative all the while you say nothing and put up with her cruelty without ever questioning it.

Your DH and MIL are right and will be there ready to support you I’m sure. Listen to them and let them guide you. They have your best interests at heart - unlike bridezilla.

Send her a message asap saying you no longer wish to be in attendance at the wedding as her controlling nature is causing you a lot of distress and you don’t enjoy being used by her.
Tell her you won’t be changing your mind and you no longer wish to see her or hear from her.
You deserve much much better friends than this. Don’t see her again.
Do what’s fair for you for a change. You are not obliged to be her victim any longer.

Nanny0gg · 05/12/2023 16:57

ChateauMargaux · 05/12/2023 16:40

Is this the new 'cancel the cheque'... cancel the room.. cancel the friendship... cancel the shoes... whatever.. don't go!

If you are feeling really charitable and want to give her a 'last chance'... tell her..

Dear Bridezilla, I am feeling increasingly unwelcome as part of your wedding party. I will not wear a dress that is 2 sizes to big. I will not pay for a room for your fiancé to sleep in or pay £400 to sleep in sheets someone else has slept in. I will not wear a sash that humiliates me. I will not eat food that will harm me. I would prefer to be treated like a friend, or at least like the other bridesmaids and that you had invited my partner to your wedding and that you and your friends had included me in the hen do rather than tell me I am hard to relate to and refuse to engage in conversation with me. I know your wedding day is important and I would absolutely do everything in my power to help you all day and ensure you had the best day possible, but it is not in my power to attend as things stand. I am sorry dear friend, but if I mean anything to you, please understand that I cannot attend under these circumstances.

I think what you meant to say was 'Fuck off'...

MermaidEyes · 05/12/2023 16:57

Isn't it bad etiquette to cast doubt on an OP's tales?

I think most of us are struggling to believe that complete and utter mugs like the OP actually do exist. There's trying to do the best for your friend when she's getting married, and then there's just being a total doormat.

ValerieGoldberg · 05/12/2023 16:59

Wow OP she is not your friend, see if you can cancel the room and get a refund or partial refund and then cancel the “friendship” and see if you can get a refund or credit not for the shoes or sell them on

Umph · 05/12/2023 17:00

This is literally like reading about an abusive relationship. Get out now.

latelydaydreams · 05/12/2023 17:01

I only voted YABU becuase she is NO friend and you shouldn’t wait to bin her off.

LookItsMeAgain · 05/12/2023 17:03

Oh, and to add, you're not "letting her down" if you back out now, you are standing up for yourself.

I've read so many AIBU or AITA threads about brides and how doolally they get when they start planning their wedding it's like they come over in a wedding fever and lose all sense of reality and what is acceptable.

Don't let yourself down by thinking that you have to take part in this.
As for the sash, tell her you won't be wearing it.
The food allergy is concerning as she is potentially leaving herself open to a heap of trouble. If she doesn't tell the restaurant/kitchen that is preparing the food, she absolves THEM of any potential liability, but not necessarily herself, if something were to happen to you.

Best advice though is to back out, and do it sooner than later. Think of it like ripping a plaster off!

Tinkerbyebye · 05/12/2023 17:06

I would be be going to the wedding. Just cancel your room and tell her you are no,longer available and why.

BerriesNutsConkers · 05/12/2023 17:09

Your partner and mum are giving you good advice.
Do not allow yourself to be treated this way.

tkwal · 05/12/2023 17:13

So you're supposed to pay for her fiancé's room the night before, wear a sack of a dress and be at her beck and call all day while wearing a humiliating sash ? You would be being very unreasonable if you went along with any of this. If she doesn't get your dress altered, book a separate room for her fiance and just forget about the sash I would suggest you bow out as a bridesmaid . This is madness.

Nanny0gg · 05/12/2023 17:14

Having done the unforgivable and looked at the OP's other threads, she seems to be pushed around by fairly 'assertive' family up till now. Maybe that's the problem

ChaToilLeam · 05/12/2023 17:14

Tell her to piss off.

betterangels · 05/12/2023 17:15

Oxfrog · 05/12/2023 13:50

Bridezilla would mean selfishly prioritising her own vision of an ideal wedding over other people’s feelings. This isn’t that. This is her sadistically humiliating you for kicks.

You should read this again and again. It's nail on head. Recuop any costs you can and get away from this woman. She has conditioned you to believe you can't. You can, and you should.

MarleyandMarleyWoo · 05/12/2023 17:18

I mean this in the absolute kindest way possible (because you sounds really lovely) but for fucks sake, don’t be so bloody wet. Stop letting her walk all over you!!

Dontjudgeme101 · 05/12/2023 17:19

I am so sorry op. She’s not your friend let alone a best friend. Sorry op, but l think you would be a mug to go to the wedding. You need to look after your mental health and let this relationship go.You deserve better. 💐💐

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 05/12/2023 17:21

She sounds hideous.

Killinginthenimya · 05/12/2023 17:32

Yabu for putting up with this! She’s humiliating you! This woman is no friend, what a vile person.
don't pay anymore ( do not pay for that room) and do not go!

N27 · 05/12/2023 17:32

You are being unreasonable to wait till
the wedding. Fuck her off TODAY

PlanningTowns · 05/12/2023 17:35

YABU not to sack it off now and wait until after. She is an absolute cow. Buoy don’t need that in your life, she is not your friend.

WoollyRosebud · 05/12/2023 17:37

She wouldn't have lasted 25 days or even hours with me let alone 25 years.

Bye bye ex friend

FlamingoQueen · 05/12/2023 17:38

You can’t let her down but it’s fine for her to treat you like dirt!
I can’t believe she’s making you pay for a room that you can’t even stay in. Ring the hotel and cancel your room, then text her saying you’re unable to attend. List the paying for a room, menu choice, not fit for purpose dress, shoes etc.
I once backed out of a wedding at the last minute - didn’t go down well, but they were divorced within a year and I never saw either of them again!

Birdcar · 05/12/2023 17:41

As I started reading I thought that you need to leave the friendship once the wedding is over but by the time I'd finished it was clear that you need to leave now.

Whyyoulyingfor · 05/12/2023 17:41

Dear me. She is not a friend. In fact imagine if this was a man behaving towards you like this it would be domestic abuse. Tell her to stick her wedding where the sun does not shine and move on with your life. She will bring you nothing but negativity!

Onemoretimeok · 05/12/2023 17:45

In a years time, when you look back on this, you will feel much better if the story ends with “I told her what I thought and I didn’t go to the wedding” rather than “I went to the wedding and allowed her to walk all over me, and afterwards I went home and cried”.

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