AIBU to not want to keep our dog away from us on Christmas Day?

[Buddytheboxer]

We have a 4 year old Boxer dog who is very much part of our family. We don’t have children yet and both WFH so he is with us all the time. He’s lovely and absolutely no bother, everyone loves him.

We are hosting Christmas Day this year, both sets of parents, my sister and her partner and DH’s brother and his girlfriend.

DH’s brother and gf recently moved back to the UK after living in Australia for the last 10 years so we haven’t seen them in person for a long time, but have FaceTimed and WhatsApped regularly. Earlier today he messaged me (not sure why me and not DH or both of us) and asked if our dog could stay with friends over Christmas, or if we could book him in at a kennels, as his gf is wary of dogs. They are supposed to be staying with us for 3 nights. They have seen our dog loads of times via FaceTime, they address Christmas cards to us and the dog etc and have never mentioned this wariness.

I’m swinging between feeling a bit miffed at the request but also not wanting her to feel nervous or uncomfortable, I like her and was looking forward to seeing them after so long. However there is no way I could send our dog away at Christmas. He’s not ‘just a dog’ we adore him and he is our family.

I haven’t had chance to speak to DH yet as he’s travelling home from a work trip and won’t be home until late. I haven’t replied to the message yet as I really don’t know what to say, it’s a bit of a lose lose situation:

a) If we don’t send our dog away BIL and gf might decide not to come which would be a shame, especially for DH and his parents. It would seem that we are putting our dog before BIL and gf which I guess we would be, but as I said he is our family.

b) If we do find somewhere for him to go (unlikely, as everyone who would normally dog sit on the rare occasions we’ve needed it will be at ours, and he’s never been in kennels so I definitely wouldn’t do that) it doesn’t feel right for him not to be with us over Christmas, it’s unfair on him and us, and a very big ask for anyone to look after a dog over Christmas.

c) If they accept we can’t send him away and still come, I’ll be on tenterhooks the whole time worrying that she is feeling uncomfortable and trying to make sure he stays out of her way (he is not a nuisance dog, he loves a fuss but isn’t ‘in your face’) it won’t be a relaxing time.

I feel like this request has really put a downer on things. AIBU to not want our dog to be sent away to accommodate BIL’s gf’s ‘wariness’?

If she's scared of dogs, I'd kind of understand with the temperament of boxers, they think everyone want to be their friend- that she may feel even more wary.
OP if you're nearby me, you'd be more than welcome to drop him off whilst your family visit for xmas dinner- my dog is dog friendly but not particularly happy with humans outside of his own family. Long story!
Weve got a boxer x old English BTW.

The dog is a much loved part of her family and lives there, bringing daily joy and love.

The human is a gf they see once a decade.

The dog wins by a country mile.

Well put! The dog is important to OP so the dog stays.

You keep your dog in his home !! They are part of the family. That was really wrong of them to ask you. Just say no sorry that's not possible. Maybe they can stay else where and if they come dinner put a stair gate up so the dog doesn't come near them.

But the OP knows it's Christmas and wants her much loved dog with her.

The gf isn't family.

I'm glad this is resolved, but I rather agree that people come before dogs. The argument that you're not making the dog more important, you're making yourself more important because you want the dog there is just circular - it does mean the dog is more important to you than your husband's brother. This is the way that families break up.

When you say "Family members are very welcome but are also free to choose other accommodation if they don't like my home, which includes my dog" think about that in terms of, say, a family member who is vegetarian: would you say "You are very welcome but you are also free to provide your own food if you don't like mine, which includes meat"? Or if they had a severe allergy to pollen, would you say "You are free to provide your own accommodation if you don't like my home, which includes flowers"?

It's basically giving your BIL the firm message that he comes second to a pet. It's not a message that he is going to forget easily. If you need his help at some time in the future, it would be entirely understandable if he takes the view that your request should be given as much priority as you are giving to him now.

You clearly have not had a dog. Otherwise you would know the unconditional love you receive from them. They are just as much a part of the family as everyone else.

I think moving flowers out is a tad more reasonable than a living sentient being loved very much by OP - what a comparison 🤔

There's such a split between people who have dogs as part of the family and people who don't understand this and I guess neither group can easily see each other's view point easily. I'm just glad noone is coming to mine this Christmas that is wary of dogs because I have 2, with a litter of pups due the week before Christmas and they're going nowhere! 🤣

SharonMack17 - I agree.
I don't agree though that family, or even any other people should come before any member of your household. The household is your family, your have responsibilities to them all, but especially to those who can't live independently. Your young children can't, your animals can't and they are your 1st priority in all things - you choose to have and take that responsibility.
The old saying is true - you choose your friends but not your family.
While you all live under the same roof growing up you might well be close, but once adult and living independently what responsibility or friendship you have to your siblings depends entirely on the relationship that exists between you as adults.
Not everyone even likes their siblings, approves of their beliefs and way of life or wants to do more than have a passing aquaintanceship with them. That's fine, it's a two way thing - no one can expect favours from some one just because they are related to them, that kind of relationship has to be earned constantly.
As you grow up you become independent of your family - if you want more you have to build an adult relationship not rely on a birth one.
Realistically many many people want to put as much space as possible between themselves and their birth family - that's fine and normal too.
No one is making dogs more important than people by making sure that if you are responsible for a dog's needs they are fully met before considering the needs of someone who's welfare you are not responsible for.
If you choose to take on an animal you are totally responsible for it for its whole life. Children become independent, animals do not - and that applies whether you love them and rely on their company as we might do with dogs, cats and other indoor animals or whether they are the chickens, farm livestock, fish etc that might be providing your income. Their welfare has to come before that of independent adults who can fend for themselves.
As an adult a person has no more call on a sibling to be responsible for their welfare than any other friend or aquaintance - it all depends on how mentally close they are. Many of us prefer our friends to our siblings and rely on and support them far more. Relationships are made in the childhood home - many don't survive once someone leaves that home. And that is fine and normal too
Whether someone likes dogs or not, I really can not understand why anyone can't clearly see that if you take on responsibility for an animal or a person incapable of living independently you will always morally have to put that responsibility first.

It is the dogs home! Very obvious you dislike dogs.

Can you not keep your doggo to certain rooms where they are not or have him on a lead of all in the same room??

We don't go to in-laws houses anymore as all 4 of them have dogs and our kids have pretty bad allergies so even just seeing them without the things causes reactions we just visit elsewhere or don't at all, it's a hit rude to expect in-laws to send their dogs to a kennel rather than the home they know

You need to have a phone call to really understand the level of the dog fear thing.

I think it's fair youre not wanting to send your dog away, because that costs money and it's your home and it's your feelings.
Equally though you don't know if this woman has had a horrific experience in the past ie been bitten or had someone close to her killed by a dog.

Equally though I think you need to have a chat. You yourself need to figure out what's the maximumly you'd be willing to do to accommodate them and the dog fear.
Ie keeping your dog shut away in another room.

And then tell them you can do that.
Then the ball is in their court if they'd like to stay at your house or if they make other plans.

I think it really needs a phone call to discuss this and not messages. Because you need to say that you find their request too far, but you'd be willing to compromise. And you need to find out exactly what she's scared of so you can accommodate.

Family should come before dogs.
Maybe they can stay with other relatives and then you can put the dog in another room or the car whilst they visit at Christmas.

Personally I can feel for both sides.
Ive been attacked by a dog and had one hanging off my arm. This summer one came at me and drew blood.
It is terrifying.

Equally though, I know how important pets can be to their owners. I had pets growing up and they were like a member of the family. And the home is also their home. Granted they don't know or care about Christmas. But it's also about how you feel. And what is reasonable.

I am scared of dogs, but I wouldn't ask for someone to put their dog in kennels if I was going to stay with them. Id mention I was nervous around dogs, and give suggestions about what would help. Ie making sure they don't bite or jump up. Keeping them away from me.

And then you know if those requests in advance will be met or not. And so you know if the space you're going into is safe.

They need to find a different place to stay if they can't find a way to come to an arrangement with you to segregate the house.

Also though depends if you have a dangerous dog that's bitten people before.

But have a chat with voices about it. That way both sides can show they're being considerate, and also set clear boundaries. Messages are easy to misenterprit. Although it's nice they gave you time to think and process their request.

Newsflash, you're not the OP and her dog IS part of her home.

Nope.

A girlfriend she's seen once in 10 years over a beloved dog that brings daily joy? Haha nope. The OP wants her dog home at Christmas, perfectly reasonable and normal.

I don't see any reason at all to do the white lie thing about the kennels - or that will set an expectation that they WILL put him into kennels for next year or another occasion.

Much better to just say Buddy stays here, and find a solution - like they have done as OP has updated. Good solution OP! How kind of your parents.

@CouchCat another idiotic reply. No the dog doesn't know it's Christmas but the OP does and wants her dog where he belongs - in her home!!! The celebrations wouldn't be the same for her without her dog.

Plus it can be deeply distressing to dogs who have never been kennelled to be put in a strange place away from their family without any idea why or when they will return. Many dogs stop eating and lose weight. I wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy a holiday knowing my dog was miserable and stressed somewhere else.

And if you read the OP properly, the DB and gf have now moved back to the U.K. so there will plenty more opportunities to see them anyway.

@Anisette food and flowers are much easier requests to accommodate than removing a much loved pet with emotions and feelings of its own. Obviously.

Would deffo not send my dogs away but would be polite about the matter, and maybe for the first part of introducing keep your baby away and then once sil is settled introduce. Once she sees that your baby isn’t bothered by her she’ll hopefully feel more relaxed. My daughter (she does live at home) hates dogs and we have 2 🤣 they don’t even go near her because sense she doesn’t like them 🤣 it’s the same when we go my brothers and his dog is wappy🤣 and loves a good fuss totally blanks her and goes straight for the rest of us.

Does every poster on here come from a close loving family?
Many families are definitely not that - abusive, controlling, dominant, demanding, materialistic, pushy, even criminal, druggies, alcoholic, weird beliefs and customs, racist etc are just some of the reasons why a lot of people leave home, often even as teenagers , put as much space as possible between them and never have anything to do with them again. It's certainly not rare.
Why should it be expected that everyone would put their family first, before much loved members of their own household, which might include their dogs and other pets.
Relationships, including with parents and siblings have to be earned - they are not a right
I have family, friends and dogs who I see and who's company I really enjoy, but there are people around who 's presence i hate. I would prefer almost any dog in the world to them and that does include some family members.

I definitely don't come from a loving family.
I've been NC with some of my siblings for two years now and have no plans to change that.
After years and years of mental abuse, I'm done.

However, I would still rather be in a room with them than a dog, and if I did have a close relationship with my family I would expect to come above a bloody dog!

Why shouldn’t BIL come second to a pet in this situation? They’ve been living in Australia for the last 10 years, so presuming BIL and OP’s DH aren’t/weren’t massively close anyway. They managed without his help all that time!

The main point is that they should have voiced this concern months ago, not a couple of weeks before Christmas. The last minuteness of the situation shows that they really don’t care about inconveniencing OP and her husband (and I haven’t gone back to check, but I don’t think they offered to pay for the kennels) so why should they care about inconveniencing BIL and his girlfriend?

And of course he messaged OP not his own brother 🙄

Glad you’ve got it sorted though, OP 😊

@Anisette

He difference is that flowers and food aren't living creatures (any more) and the dog is.

Has anyone else noticed that most of the "humans over dogs, every time!" people don't actually sound like people you'd want to hang out with anyway, dog or not?

No. You don’t ask someone to remove pets from their home because you are a guest who is wary. That’s mad and rude. My DH is allergic to cats/dogs and we would never dream of asking hosts to remove pets from the home, he just takes antihistamine and scratches!