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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to keep our dog away from us on Christmas Day?

643 replies

Buddytheboxer · 03/12/2023 18:28

We have a 4 year old Boxer dog who is very much part of our family. We don’t have children yet and both WFH so he is with us all the time. He’s lovely and absolutely no bother, everyone loves him.

We are hosting Christmas Day this year, both sets of parents, my sister and her partner and DH’s brother and his girlfriend.

DH’s brother and gf recently moved back to the UK after living in Australia for the last 10 years so we haven’t seen them in person for a long time, but have FaceTimed and WhatsApped regularly. Earlier today he messaged me (not sure why me and not DH or both of us) and asked if our dog could stay with friends over Christmas, or if we could book him in at a kennels, as his gf is wary of dogs. They are supposed to be staying with us for 3 nights. They have seen our dog loads of times via FaceTime, they address Christmas cards to us and the dog etc and have never mentioned this wariness.

I’m swinging between feeling a bit miffed at the request but also not wanting her to feel nervous or uncomfortable, I like her and was looking forward to seeing them after so long. However there is no way I could send our dog away at Christmas. He’s not ‘just a dog’ we adore him and he is our family.

I haven’t had chance to speak to DH yet as he’s travelling home from a work trip and won’t be home until late. I haven’t replied to the message yet as I really don’t know what to say, it’s a bit of a lose lose situation:

a) If we don’t send our dog away BIL and gf might decide not to come which would be a shame, especially for DH and his parents. It would seem that we are putting our dog before BIL and gf which I guess we would be, but as I said he is our family.

b) If we do find somewhere for him to go (unlikely, as everyone who would normally dog sit on the rare occasions we’ve needed it will be at ours, and he’s never been in kennels so I definitely wouldn’t do that) it doesn’t feel right for him not to be with us over Christmas, it’s unfair on him and us, and a very big ask for anyone to look after a dog over Christmas.

c) If they accept we can’t send him away and still come, I’ll be on tenterhooks the whole time worrying that she is feeling uncomfortable and trying to make sure he stays out of her way (he is not a nuisance dog, he loves a fuss but isn’t ‘in your face’) it won’t be a relaxing time.

I feel like this request has really put a downer on things. AIBU to not want our dog to be sent away to accommodate BIL’s gf’s ‘wariness’?

OP posts:
Crazydonkeylady · 05/12/2023 09:53

It’s incredibly cheeky of them to ask you to send your dog away from his home at Christmas so that you can host them. I would absolutely not do this. It would be very difficult to find a kennels able to take your dog at Christmas and if you did extortionately expensive. If I was you I’d reply saying that this won’t be possible and that you hope they’ll still be able to come. Reassure them that he’s well trained and that you’ll be there to make sure he gives her some space. If they say it won’t be possible for them to stay I’d express regret and suggest some nearby b & b or hotel options they might try. I would definitely speak to your husband first though so you’re on the same page and can address this together. Good luck.

clarehhh · 05/12/2023 09:54

Just say no sorry , but we will do our best to keep dog away from her. Only 3 days you could have him on a long lead while you eat and with you when relaxing on sofa. Your husband needs to be the one to say this. I can’t bear cats but wouldn’t send someone’s cat away , just keep out of their way.

Penguinfeet24 · 05/12/2023 10:02

Absolutely not, the dog lives there, they don't. They knew you had a dog when they said they were coming to stay, it's not a surprise to them, so they'll have to make other arrangements. This isn't on you, you were transparent about your dog.

My3dahliasarebloominlovely · 05/12/2023 10:06

We had to go across the country to stay with family member because of their bloody emergency at very short notice. So all the kennels were booked up. In the end, one kennel managed to squeeze them into an out door cage. We were heartbroken but went. One dog had arthritis from then on, we had a miserable Christmas worrying about them, family member was a misery diva and just wanted everyone to pander to them. We really should not have gone. We still don't forgive ourselves 17 years on.

Jack80 · 05/12/2023 10:10

I would ask if they can stay somewhere else and travel in on Christmas Day. Our dog is part of our family also and I wouldn't appreciate being asked to put him elsewhere.

DunkinDoughnut36 · 05/12/2023 10:13

I hope you’ve told them to book themselves in a hotel then, it would be a firm no and not even a second thought, and I wouldn’t care what my husband thought!
How rude, like you aren’t being nice enough already hosting them! Then they’re asking you to fork out more money to put your pooch in the pound for a few days!!
I’ve got 1 pooch (Kev) and two kids, it would be liking chucking one of my kids in daycare on Xmas day 🙈😂 no way. Crazy talk xx

cockadoodledandy · 05/12/2023 11:06

YANBU. I would never send my dog away at Christmas. They may need to stay somewhere else and just visit for the day.

Abracadabra12345 · 05/12/2023 11:11

Does anyone read OP updates before posting? It's all been sorted out 😁

Jellytot1234 · 05/12/2023 11:18

No; it’s YOUR house, YOUR dog and whilst it’s just a dog to them. The dog is part of your family. Why should you have to go to the expense of sending your dog away or even have to feel sad knowing you’re removing him from your own home. This is a “them” problem. They need to work it out between themselves. By all means you can reassure them that you will try to minimise interaction with the dog but ultimately.. if they’ve accepted an invitation knowing you have a dog then that’s for them to navigate. How rude to insist you do that. Politely explain it’s how too short notice to do that and that you actually don’t feel comfortable removing your dog from your own home over Christmas as it’s his home too! Then let them decide whether they are going to be complete saps about it.

MissingMoominMamma · 05/12/2023 11:26

“I’ll look into it.”

”Oh dear, all the kennels were booked up for the Christmas period.” 🤷‍♀️

MissingMoominMamma · 05/12/2023 11:27

Abracadabra12345 · 05/12/2023 11:11

Does anyone read OP updates before posting? It's all been sorted out 😁

I didn’t 😬

LaDamaDeElche · 05/12/2023 11:28

Gensola · 03/12/2023 18:33

I can’t imagine putting a dog over family 😨

A dog is family. She isn't. She's the girlfriend of his brother.

Original poster
Buddytheboxer · 05/12/2023 11:49

Thanks everyone, we’ve come to a solution that will hopefully work for everyone, Buddy is not going anywhere!

OP posts:
mymidlifeeyes · 05/12/2023 12:11

Fair enough if they don't want your dog at their house. But if they come to you they find a way to deal with whoever lives there! Please don't for a minute think you're being unreasonable.

Speaking as a non-dog owner.

Catslovenip · 05/12/2023 12:52

If she’s the type to be so bold to ask you to send your dog away then she will also be the type to take great offence if you say no. I’d lie and say you tried to find a kennel but were unable to. It would just save bad blood at your Christmas gathering. Some people just don’t take ‘no’ very well.

Catslovenip · 05/12/2023 12:54

MissingMoominMamma · 05/12/2023 11:27

I didn’t 😬

Show quote history

Nor me 😁

Hagpie · 05/12/2023 13:01

It is just a dog but a lady-minute request for something that requires lots of planing and money is unreasonable of them.

MRSsqueak · 05/12/2023 13:44

Abracadabra12345 · 04/12/2023 19:47

Even when people are eating and one person is nervous of dogs?

Anyway OP has resolved the issue with great wisdom and tact

Show quote history

while people are eating is different to what has been advised by other posters.... i would not put my dog in another room for the duration of their visit... my home is also my dog's home and i would not shut her in another room all day on any day never mind christmas day. people have a choice to come to my house or not. if they choose not to then thats fine. christmas is for all of the family including the pets in my house. my dog would not be shoved aside for anybody visiting my home.... she is a pug and literally follows me around all day and as soon as i sit she gets up on the chair and goes to sleep on me. i wouldnt have the issue because nearly everyone that comes to my home is a dog lover anyway they all had dogs way before i adopted mine

Robbee · 05/12/2023 14:00

Just no. Being wary of dogs is not the same as being allergic when you might have to make alternative arrangements as to where you meet your relatives (if you're genuinely allergic you can't go in a dog's home even if the dog is not present)
If she's just wary, and your dog is well behaved and you can guarantee will avoid her if not encouraged by her, then just tell her she can take it or leave it and give the name and address of somewhere they can book into.
Putting the dog in another room if it normally has the freedom of the house will upset the dog, and might well cause problems (noise, door scratching, even chewing).
If she's only wary now's a good idea to learn that dogs are ok and won't cause her problems. Just keep the dog back or in another room while you let them in the house - if she's sitting down in the room when the dog enters it'll probably completely ignore her unless she interacts (or shrieks, screams, waves her arms around etc that would cause problems - she'll have to know she's only welcome if she promises to behave calmly in the dog's presence))

Catxxxxxxxxxx · 05/12/2023 15:18

Gensola · 03/12/2023 18:33

I can’t imagine putting a dog over family

The dog IS part of their family. I hope to God you dont have dogs and never do

GrannyHelen1 · 05/12/2023 16:56

I always book an airB&B for family members who find my dog a challenge, so that they can retreat at night and any time if they find her too much. Works very well, and keeps my stress levels down - spending the whole holiday period worrying about if the dog is making a njuisance of herself, however harmlessly, is no fun for anyone.

Amumof287 · 05/12/2023 18:55

You don’t know why she’s wary so some suggestions of telling her to “get f*cked” are pretty insensitive. Maybe she accepted the invitation thinking she would cope and over time it’s worried her more. Obviously
you can’t send your dog away but I would reassure her you will put the dog away whilst you’re eating etc and if she feels uneasy it will be fine to create some distance between her and the dog. It’s better if know she’s uncomfortable so you don’t let the dog jump up her etc

Mrssnee16 · 05/12/2023 19:07

A dog is for life not just for Christmas ( or to be sent away for Christmas) it's awful for it to even be suggested

Mothermax81 · 05/12/2023 19:07

Tell them to find alternative accommodation

Nannyjo1952 · 05/12/2023 19:29

I'd put my dog first everytime......the dogs family and should be treated as such. If visitors don't like the fact that your dog is going to be staying put then tough luck, don't bother visiting