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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to keep our dog away from us on Christmas Day?

643 replies

Buddytheboxer · 03/12/2023 18:28

We have a 4 year old Boxer dog who is very much part of our family. We don’t have children yet and both WFH so he is with us all the time. He’s lovely and absolutely no bother, everyone loves him.

We are hosting Christmas Day this year, both sets of parents, my sister and her partner and DH’s brother and his girlfriend.

DH’s brother and gf recently moved back to the UK after living in Australia for the last 10 years so we haven’t seen them in person for a long time, but have FaceTimed and WhatsApped regularly. Earlier today he messaged me (not sure why me and not DH or both of us) and asked if our dog could stay with friends over Christmas, or if we could book him in at a kennels, as his gf is wary of dogs. They are supposed to be staying with us for 3 nights. They have seen our dog loads of times via FaceTime, they address Christmas cards to us and the dog etc and have never mentioned this wariness.

I’m swinging between feeling a bit miffed at the request but also not wanting her to feel nervous or uncomfortable, I like her and was looking forward to seeing them after so long. However there is no way I could send our dog away at Christmas. He’s not ‘just a dog’ we adore him and he is our family.

I haven’t had chance to speak to DH yet as he’s travelling home from a work trip and won’t be home until late. I haven’t replied to the message yet as I really don’t know what to say, it’s a bit of a lose lose situation:

a) If we don’t send our dog away BIL and gf might decide not to come which would be a shame, especially for DH and his parents. It would seem that we are putting our dog before BIL and gf which I guess we would be, but as I said he is our family.

b) If we do find somewhere for him to go (unlikely, as everyone who would normally dog sit on the rare occasions we’ve needed it will be at ours, and he’s never been in kennels so I definitely wouldn’t do that) it doesn’t feel right for him not to be with us over Christmas, it’s unfair on him and us, and a very big ask for anyone to look after a dog over Christmas.

c) If they accept we can’t send him away and still come, I’ll be on tenterhooks the whole time worrying that she is feeling uncomfortable and trying to make sure he stays out of her way (he is not a nuisance dog, he loves a fuss but isn’t ‘in your face’) it won’t be a relaxing time.

I feel like this request has really put a downer on things. AIBU to not want our dog to be sent away to accommodate BIL’s gf’s ‘wariness’?

OP posts:
agonyau · 04/12/2023 23:27

Another non-dog lover/owner comment!
You clearly don’t understand the connection between owners & their dogs, they’re basically seen as one of the family, and as such are integral to special celebrations at home so their presence is a priority - not a peripheral family member with an unfortunate, but unjustified fear of a harmless dog.

CouchCat · 04/12/2023 23:37

JaneAustensHeroine · 04/12/2023 19:24

There is no way I would put my dog in kennels over Christmas. They are your family and they stay with you.

  • It's a dog.
  • The dog doesn't know it's Christmas.
  • The OP's actual human family are coming FROM AUSTRALIA and wish to stay for a little while. I don't think that is too much to ask.
  • Dog can come back in the New Year and have Christmas then if it's that important.
sandybeach12 · 04/12/2023 23:42

Buddytheboxer · 04/12/2023 18:03

Ok here’s the update - DH spoke to his brother and told him we can’t relocate Buddy for 3 nights. He reassured him that we would be very mindful of his gfs wariness and that Buds doesn’t jump up and is a chilled dog, and we can pop him in another room periodically and out for walks. He offered the suggestion put forward by my mum, or that we can help find an available Airbnb if they really don’t feel comfortable staying. BIL said they really do want to come so he’ll chat with gf about what she feels most comfortable with. Hopefully it’ll work out 🤞

Regarding the timing of this request, Christmas at ours has been arranged since last Christmas. We usually host both our families, and it was last Christmas Day that BIL told us all that they were moving back from Australia and couldn’t wait to be with us all this year. The ‘sleeping arrangements’ were confirmed in August (PIL usually stay at ours, and my parents offered them their spare room so BIL and gf could stay with us). No mention has ever been made that his gf is wary of dogs so it really is last minute!

Thanks again for all your comments, I’ll ignore the one from the person who said that the way I talk about my dog is ‘strange’!

Here is a pic of my boy for those who have asked 🐶❤️

Boxer mummy of 2 here! He is absolutely gorgeous 😍

Elfontheshmelf · 04/12/2023 23:57

I'm nervous of dogs but wouldn't ask this of someone.

Beeswood · 05/12/2023 00:30

I love your dog! Buddy is adorable, I have a soft spot for boxers.

Glad you found a solution.

Bookloverjay · 05/12/2023 00:40

Aww your boy is a gorgeous 😍

Dibbydoos · 05/12/2023 01:14

What an assumptive request.

Sorry no. The dog is not a commodity, it's family.

Is your dog trained? Can you keep the dog away from her?

I think she's getting herself into a state, maybe they stay elsewhere....

pineapplesundae · 05/12/2023 02:05

Maybe they can stay with his parents, or anywhere near.

NoThanksymm · 05/12/2023 04:44

It was a rude request!

Your dog has not viciously torn the throat out of her family members neck. That’s literally the only excuse I can think of for her behaviour.

keep the dog, hopefully the BIL gets a better human next time!

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 05/12/2023 05:37

I voted YANBU but at the same time, he's a dog - he won't be crying that no one should be alone at Christmas, as he has no concept of Christmas.

TraceyHyde · 05/12/2023 06:36

Surely the op wouldn’t be footing any kennels fees for this girl.

Ohnoooooooo · 05/12/2023 06:37

Wow how ridiculous. I am a cat person and not keen on dogs jumping on me but I think they are being hugely unreasonable. They should have raised this before they accepted the invite. I would tell them most people you could have asked already have plans for Christmas - I would say it would be a shame but you completely understand if they do not want to come or are happy to come but would prefer to stay in an airbnb.

TraceyHyde · 05/12/2023 06:38

If he’s put in kennels he’ll know he’s been abandoned. He won’t understand it’s only for a few days, just that everything he knows is gone

Singlespies · 05/12/2023 06:58

Perhaps they don't actually want to stay with you, and this is their way of getting out of it.

NotAnotherPylon · 05/12/2023 07:56

TraceyHyde · 05/12/2023 06:38

If he’s put in kennels he’ll know he’s been abandoned. He won’t understand it’s only for a few days, just that everything he knows is gone

What?? FWIW I don't think the OP should put her dog anywhere, as it's her house, but I think saying the dog will know it has been abandoned is rather dramatic and silly. Would the dog be particularly traumatised because it's Christmas?

Anyway, I think you have been very thoughtful OP, making the effort to find a solution to this. I'm not a dog owner, but I don't think I would have been as polite if someone had asked me to put my dog somewhere else for a few days!

Sennelier1 · 05/12/2023 08:31

Maybe your BIL asks you to show his girlfriend he tries his best by asking this. And yes, it's asking a lót but you don't have to follow them the whole way. Could be they will accept the dog is in the house if you can keep him a bit away from her.

Ganainm488 · 05/12/2023 08:37

I have a phobia around dogs, it’s an irrational fear that has physical symptoms. It can be terrifying. But I would never ask someone to send their dog away so I can visit. I have to wait in the car until the dog gets over all the initial excitement of visitors. Then someone holds onto the dog so I can come in. If it’s a dog that doesn’t jump on people and responds to their owners commands then I can gradually settle in. This has taken me years to achieve. But if it’s a jumpy dog and the owner doesn’t hold them back or put them in another room then I just can’t visit. I know it’s my problem and not the dogs or their owners. Some dog owners are understanding and some just can’t understand why anyone could have a fear of their dog. The OP has gone to amazing lengths to accommodate these guests which I think is incredibly kind of her and her parents. I’d be hugely appreciative and would never have expected this level of workaround.

helpplease01 · 05/12/2023 08:42

Absolutely No Way!!!
what a cheek!!!!
Just say, NO, this is non negotiable. Your dog stays. Get over yourself.

bemusedmoose · 05/12/2023 08:43

What would they do if she was wary of children - send them to boarding school for Christmas!? CFs.

Absolutely not. They know you have a dog so shouldn't have agreed to stay and now they want you to foot the astronomical fees for kennels over Christmas (don't like kennels at all at any time of the year - your dog will not understand what is happening and could well give them separation anxiety which is difficult to manage, i have a dog with it so know all to well). 13 years ive had dogs and would never send them away for guest and definitely not at Christmas. They always get their own dog dinner and gifts because they are family.

I wouldn't even hesitate to tell them to book an air b&b, hotel or whatever they can find because they should have done that before, she cant have suddenly become afraid of dogs. Or she will have to learn to cope with a 4 legged friend for 3 whole days.

Always the dog first because you cant explain to them what is happening and they just feel abandoned where as a human can grasp it perfectly.

bemusedmoose · 05/12/2023 08:56

Also - Buds is adorable!! I bet he wins her over in the end - he looks so sweet and gentle. Ignore the person that thinks it's weird how you talk about him - pets arent just something you own. They are family and my pets all get Christmas gifts and the kids would be miserable without their besties at Christmas!

As for the person that thinks it's ridiculous that the dog will feel abandoned in kennels - they do! They have zero idea why they are there, where their home and family have gone or if they will ever see them again. Especially for a rescue dog who has already gone through shelter kennels. It can cause major behaviour changes that are hard to undo.

Mindyaownbeeswax · 05/12/2023 09:01

It's your dog and your house so obviously don't do that. But also stop going on about how good your dog is/everyone loves him/he's not too fussy etc - that's likely just your view as his owner and isn't how everyone feels (although most won't articulate it). It's ok for others to not want to have anything to do with him. It's ok that others can't stand him. Your dog wants a fuss and it's his house so you'll have to manage that on the day. ETA: I love dogs and boxers particularly (oh grew up with them!) but am mindful that plenty can't stand them.

Abracadabra12345 · 05/12/2023 09:13

Mindyaownbeeswax · 05/12/2023 09:01

It's your dog and your house so obviously don't do that. But also stop going on about how good your dog is/everyone loves him/he's not too fussy etc - that's likely just your view as his owner and isn't how everyone feels (although most won't articulate it). It's ok for others to not want to have anything to do with him. It's ok that others can't stand him. Your dog wants a fuss and it's his house so you'll have to manage that on the day. ETA: I love dogs and boxers particularly (oh grew up with them!) but am mindful that plenty can't stand them.

Edited

That's a very unpopular but spot-on comment, as is the pp who wrote about her own phobia of dogs and the difference that a dog owner can make.

I think the way the OP and her family have worked together to resolve this and offer alternative accommodation within the family is amazing 👏

Your attitude, that not everyone loves dogs especially at close quarters, is spot on

Personally, I'm not fond of Boxers as a breed: too big, too drooly, so if I was wary of dogs in a house where it lived, it would be disturbing but of course I'd not ask for it to be accommodated elsewhere! As another pp had said, that suggestion was probably more naive than CF.

Anyway it was all resolved yesterday if you check the OP's updates

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 05/12/2023 09:22

Buddytheboxer · 04/12/2023 18:03

Ok here’s the update - DH spoke to his brother and told him we can’t relocate Buddy for 3 nights. He reassured him that we would be very mindful of his gfs wariness and that Buds doesn’t jump up and is a chilled dog, and we can pop him in another room periodically and out for walks. He offered the suggestion put forward by my mum, or that we can help find an available Airbnb if they really don’t feel comfortable staying. BIL said they really do want to come so he’ll chat with gf about what she feels most comfortable with. Hopefully it’ll work out 🤞

Regarding the timing of this request, Christmas at ours has been arranged since last Christmas. We usually host both our families, and it was last Christmas Day that BIL told us all that they were moving back from Australia and couldn’t wait to be with us all this year. The ‘sleeping arrangements’ were confirmed in August (PIL usually stay at ours, and my parents offered them their spare room so BIL and gf could stay with us). No mention has ever been made that his gf is wary of dogs so it really is last minute!

Thanks again for all your comments, I’ll ignore the one from the person who said that the way I talk about my dog is ‘strange’!

Here is a pic of my boy for those who have asked 🐶❤️

Oh he's beautiful!!

honeysuckleweeks · 05/12/2023 09:39

There are so many dogs in Australia, everywhere, the parks, the streets, the beaches they are allowed on. I find it a bit odd. Hope it all goes well.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 05/12/2023 09:44

TBH I wouldn’t even have shut our old dog away in another room. She was intensely attached to me - my little black shadow - and would have found it distressing, and would probably have barked non stop to be let out.