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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s a bit cheeky for friends to suggest we go to a party after we host?

231 replies

shrinkiewinkie · 03/12/2023 13:33

We are hosting a dinner party with friends for New Years. Will cook some nice food and have good wine. This has been planned and confirmed for a while. Have started buying ingredients.

I got a message from the friends coming over saying that they’ve been invited to a party at their friends house. They’d like to go and the invite has been extended to us too. So we could have dinner at mine and then go to the party.

DH thinks this is cheeky. Essentially saying they’d like our nice grub but then think there are better ways to welcome in the new year. What do you think?

OP posts:
RoseGoldEagle · 03/12/2023 18:50

LaurieStrode · 03/12/2023 18:42

Thanks, @LardyCakeAgain
My mother gave me an etiquette book when I turned 16 and I've been collecting them ever since. (I'm 60 now)

They span the last 125 years, from DeBretts to The Mayflower Madam, lol.

There's nothing etiquettely incorrect about attending multiple gatherings on NYE.

Of course there’s nothing incorrect about going to several NYE events if everyone is in agreement! This is different though- the OP had asked friends over with the intention that they’d stay for the whole of the festivities. The friends could have declined, but they accepted, and are now suggesting a new plan. Of COURSE the OP can speak up and say they don’t like the new plan. But it puts her in an awkward position, and is a bit rude, and the opposite of ‘good etiquette’ in my opinion- I appreciate lots of others differ!

Bolloxforsure · 03/12/2023 18:52

You can choose to think it’s a snub and the couple would rather be at the party or you can choose to think that your friends believe a lovely meal followed by a party would be a great night for all. It’s ok to say it’s not want you want to do and it’s ok for them to want to do both.

Janedoelondon · 03/12/2023 18:52

Yep very cheeky!

betterangels · 03/12/2023 18:53

LaurieStrode · 03/12/2023 13:54

How pouty, petulant and manipulative. So much for the festive spirit.

Show quote history

This! It's NYE. Pretty normal for many people to do more than one thing.

Loopytiles · 03/12/2023 19:01

It’s not ‘party hopping’ : OP had offered a meal for a small number, not a party with lots of guests. If she’s in England that implies spending the whole evening together.

TammyJones · 03/12/2023 19:02

sprigatito · 03/12/2023 17:57

I think they are being really thoughtless and selfish. If you invite friends to a dinner party on NYE it's obvious you're expecting to take your time over a lovely dinner and drinks and see the NY in together. They knew they'd committed to that and now they have buyer's remorse after receiving a better offer, which they've covered by saying " oh, you're invited too". They know that isn't the evening you offered and they agreed to.

I would say "I had planned a dinner party with several courses to take our time over, not a quick bite to eat before going out - sorry you got the wrong end of the stick! Let me know if you decide to go to the party instead, so I can cater for a smaller number." And I would feel a bit cooler towards them tbh.

THIS

We're planning a party / get together over new years.
In out, but make your mind up.
And 40 minutes on a bus - after cooking, serving and cleaning up a 3 course meal?
No....I'd be wanting to relax, drink wine and fall asleep 😬

Kittylala · 03/12/2023 19:10

I hope you were passive aggressive in your post. 'Don't worry darlings, you go ahead and enjoy the party'. We'll host next year. Then be vague about whether you are actually going or not. Invite other friends.

BrioNotBiro · 03/12/2023 19:11

40 minutes by public transport - tube, train, bus? Whatever, that's a fair way away.

Even if you can get a taxi it'll cost a bomb on NYD. That's fine if you're keen to go, but a pain if you'd rather have a relaxed night and you have already paid for all the hosting costs.

MalagaNights · 03/12/2023 19:16

kitsuneghost · 03/12/2023 16:34

@MalagaNights
Because it's got party I'm it's name?
Pretty sure most people realise dinner party and party are two very different atmospheres.

Yes @kitsuneghost it's in the name because it is a type of party.

With a different atmosphere to other type parties because it's a sit down dinner.

There are different types of party. Most people know this and know what to expect.

What did you think the 'party' in 'dinner party' meant?

UnpalatableButTrue · 03/12/2023 19:17

I still want to know which ingredients you can possibly have bought for a dinner in a month's time.

Nutellaonall · 03/12/2023 19:24

I’d invite the other friends to your dinner party and politely decline going to the party. Up to them if they want to ditch you for a better offer. You know where you stand after that.

LaurieStrode · 03/12/2023 19:27

UnpalatableButTrue · 03/12/2023 19:17

I still want to know which ingredients you can possibly have bought for a dinner in a month's time.

Wine, spices, things that can be frozen, dried pasta, the list goes on. Why is this such a mystery?

Crikeyalmighty · 03/12/2023 19:40

I would love it if it was10 minutes round the corner- not 40 minutes away on public transport after you've had a few drinks

Frabbits · 03/12/2023 19:42

Some people really love looking for offense when there is none. Party hopping at NYE is absolutely fine.

Nesbi · 03/12/2023 19:56

“Party hopping” is not fine when you’ve been invited to dinner with the expectation that you will be seeing the new year in together with your hosts.

That’s not “party hopping” - that’s taking advantage of the time and effort that someone else is putting in to hosting you, and then fucking off because you want more.

Nanny0gg · 03/12/2023 20:17

BaronessBomburst · 03/12/2023 13:43

I don't see it like that. I see it as 'the more the merrier', and after you've eaten you can let your hair down and party without having to host for the rest of the evening, if you want to. It's a suggestion.

Except the friends are planning to go onto the party whether the OP goes or not.

Rude

Darker · 03/12/2023 21:47

Except the friends are planning to go onto the party whether the OP goes or not.

They said they’d like to go. I don’t believe that said they had accepted. It sounds more like they have responded to the other invite by saying that are already committed.

Ladybughello · 03/12/2023 21:53

LoobyDop · 03/12/2023 15:33

I think it’s totally fine, and would be a nice evening that offered the best of both worlds- a lovely relaxed dinner first and a chance to have a proper conversation with your close friends, and then moving on to a livelier party. I think you’re being a bit precious. They aren’t ditching you.

I imagine if OP wanted to go to a party on NYE they’d look out for parties their actual friends are hosting - not tag along to a stranger’s party like a teenager. Inviting friends over for dinner on NYE is a clear signal that they want a quiet evening in with good food and company.

LAMPS1 · 03/12/2023 22:53

It’s very cheeky to do this in my view.
And it’s impossible for you to go anyway, if you have invited other guests too. Guests will surely expect to be with you to see in the New Year.
I would respond directly to the party host with …thank you for the invitation but we have already made arrangements to be at home hosting guests for New Years Eve.

The friends who passed the party invitation on to you are free to leave your dinner party whenever they wish of course but if they had already accepted your kind invitation, you shouldn’t have to change your plans or timings to suit them taking up a better offer after dinner.

Ofa · 03/12/2023 23:10

Depends. If it’s clearly going to be an epic party (ie the host is mega rich and has hired entertainment and waiters and there will be free champagne all night etc) then cancel your nice but not as amazing plan and go to the party.

If it’s just a normal house party that they think sounds a bit more fun than a dinner party then they’re being extremely rude.

I wonder though if they just have a different idea of what makes a good night. I love a slow dinner parrt and chat rouns the fire into the night with close friends but perhaos they’d rather dance to loud music.

Unless it was epic, I wouldn’t do all the trouble and expense of throwing a dinner party and then putting on my coat and travelling out to somewhere perceived as better. If it was me I’d say you don’t plan to go out and ask them to choose which even they’re going to.

kneehightoacat · 04/12/2023 06:53

Sounds fun! I would do it

That way, when you have had enough, you can go home. No guests to kick out

Persephonegoddess · 04/12/2023 07:45

Invite your other friends, let the cf leave to go, have a lovely nye and know that the cf are not as good friends as you thought.

LaurieStrode · 04/12/2023 09:27

kneehightoacat · 04/12/2023 06:53

Sounds fun! I would do it

That way, when you have had enough, you can go home. No guests to kick out

Good point.

I'd rather see in the new year at a party than sitting around someone's lounge while they are stacking dirty dishes in the kitchen.

flagonfull · 04/12/2023 10:27

I think see how you feel on the night, they can come for dinner as planned and if you feel partyish later you can go with them or chill at home yourselves.
I expect your friends felt awkward and torn and wanted to do both so their friends kindly extended the invitation which they didn’t have to do, especially if they don’t know you.

its your night but it’s also your friends night too. Nye happens once a year, they’re making it clear you’re included, both at your dinner and at the party afterwards, so you do what you want on your nye but remember they haven’t bailed on you at all and they’re not being cheeky they’re just trying to please everyone and have a good night themselves

flagonfull · 04/12/2023 10:29

Should add, I’ve been to plenty of parties, nye and otherwise where people drop in en route to something else. It is part of the whole Christmas and festive cheer thing, I’ve done it and wouldn’t be insulted at all.
i think it’s lovely