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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s a bit cheeky for friends to suggest we go to a party after we host?

231 replies

shrinkiewinkie · 03/12/2023 13:33

We are hosting a dinner party with friends for New Years. Will cook some nice food and have good wine. This has been planned and confirmed for a while. Have started buying ingredients.

I got a message from the friends coming over saying that they’ve been invited to a party at their friends house. They’d like to go and the invite has been extended to us too. So we could have dinner at mine and then go to the party.

DH thinks this is cheeky. Essentially saying they’d like our nice grub but then think there are better ways to welcome in the new year. What do you think?

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 03/12/2023 15:51

I'd be suggesting that surely they'd rather just go straight to their target party without detouring through my home ...

dontgobaconmyheart · 03/12/2023 15:53

This wouldn't bother me at all. Your plans aren't actually changing much surely, dinner still goes ahead and they've politely expressed that it would be nice to do both and therefore see two sets of friends on NYE which is hardly an unreasonable want, it is supposed to be about having a good time with loved ones. You've also been invited to join them, so it's hardly an eat and run.

If it makes you that uncomfortable tell them no, focus on other guests and enjoy your own evenings. You're not obliged to attend the party with them and I'm quite sure they won't be offended if you don't. IMO it would be a lot less drama and bad feeling to just enjoy the dinner for what it was, tell your DP to get over it and wave them off to the party if you'd rather remain at home.

VickyEadieofThigh · 03/12/2023 15:54

Jenasaurus · 03/12/2023 15:46

Also who wants 40 mins on public transport there and then back after the party with loads of drunk revellers when the plan was a cosy dinner with good food and friends to see the year in

Or possibly no public transport after midnight, taxis all booked up already - so someone has to not drink and drive there and back...

Peablockfeathers · 03/12/2023 15:55

Jenasaurus · 03/12/2023 15:44

Hmm I was think about this in reverse. Imagine if the op said to her guests that after dinner she was going to a friends party and they could come along too if they liked. I think its quite rude after all the work the Op will put in to make a nice meal. Its like she is a free restaurant before they move on to the main event.

It depends how you look at it I guess. I'll be honest I've made plans and for want of a better word had a better offer but wanted to also not go back on my word for the previous plans. I'd try and come up and with a compromise like this- it's fine to put yourself first, I'm sure if OP says don't come to mine then they'll be fine with it, maybe even relieved. They've been honest that they want to go to the party afterwards, have tried to do it tactfully by saying OP could go, what OP does with this info is up to them. Either have them come round still or say sorry you can't come anymore.

CurlewKate · 03/12/2023 15:55

Seems entirely normal to me. And fun.

kitsuneghost · 03/12/2023 15:55

What we're your plans OP?
just sit round 4-6 of you with a glass of wine and a chat?
That would be lovely any other time but it's NYE.

Going round different houses and party is what you do.

As for other guests not invited. Never been to a NYE party that people were turned away (except venues obvs)

youngones1 · 03/12/2023 15:55

That's cheeky, I would say you were planning to see in the year at your place and hope they are on board for that.

PegasusReturns · 03/12/2023 15:55

Of course it’s rude!

an invite for dinner on NYE implicitly includes seeing the NY in together, so someone suggesting they go on elsewhere (even if you’re invited) is appalling behaviour and is so clearly a message that you’re second best.

Bolloxforsure · 03/12/2023 15:56

So invite the couple you were thinking of including and tell couple 1 you don’t fancy the party and they should go ahead. That way you won’t need to duplicate any of those ingredients you’ve already started buying.

DoDoDoD · 03/12/2023 15:59

RunningGearOn · 03/12/2023 13:47

Think it depends how the message was conveyed. Could just be your friend was invited to a party, she said oh sorry we're already out and other friend said why don't all of you swing by after you've eaten to see in NY. I'd not assume she was being cheeky on the detail you've given but it's possible she is if actually she just would rather go to the party.

This! It could be fun to go on to a bigger party after dinner, no?

Wetblanket78 · 03/12/2023 15:59

Nothing wrong with doing both. They didn't want to turn down a NYE party invite. I wouldn't bother cooking on NYE though if going to a party. I would be getting a takeaway instead.

telestrations · 03/12/2023 15:59

So much of this depends on norms for your group and tone

I mean youre planning on inviting guests and turning an intimidate dinner into more of a small gathering / party but didn't think to ask or tell them, and which they may or may not be expecting

They've invited you to a party that may just be a nice suggestion based on not knowing the above, or them trying to wrangle out of yours and planning on ditching you before Big Ben stricks midnight

Delatron · 03/12/2023 16:02

Peablockfeathers · 03/12/2023 15:44

OP doesn't have to go though.

Show quote history

Well no but guests leaving straight after dinner in NYE is rude.

Scruffington · 03/12/2023 16:02

From your mention of having been a teen 15 years ago I'm assuming everyone in this scenario is in their early 30s. It's a pretty normal thing to do at that age to attend more than one location on NYE. Getting miffed by that seems a bit uptight.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 03/12/2023 16:03

A dinner on New Years Eve has the implied obligation of staying through to the new year, surely?!

LittleMissSleepyUK · 03/12/2023 16:09

I’d tell them to go to the party then and not yours!

Xtraincome · 03/12/2023 16:12

It's a bit cheeky BUT I would say just clarify details. Were you definitely ringing in the new year with them as per your invitation? Do you care much if they leave before midnight? Are they the type to just go with whichever suggestion they prefer or have they forgotten their manners and merely suggested something? If the former, just drop them from your list and move on.

Jungfraujoch · 03/12/2023 16:14

They’re rude! I’m assuming your invite was for the whole evening including seeing in the New Year and then carrying on afterwards? I would be very annoyed if anyone did this to me.

Mariposista · 03/12/2023 16:18

shrinkiewinkie · 03/12/2023 15:23

Do I want to go to the party? Not really, it’s maybe 40 minutes away on public transport.

I actually met the host of the party about 15 years ago when we were teenagers. We even went on a few dates! I’ve met him and his wife a few times since and they’re nice enough people but not really someone we’d be friends with.

It’s also a bit awkward because we were going to invite some other friends over for dinner too, but I don’t suppose they’d be invited over to the party too.

Uninvited these people politely 'ok, I see you now have other plans. We want to see the new year in at home and not rush our dinner - have fun'.

Enjoy your evening with your decent friends.

thebestinterest · 03/12/2023 16:20

Yes, of course it’s rude.

You’re provisioning nice wine, assuming to ring the New Year in with. What time does your party start? I’d only be ok with this if my party were on from early afternoon, honestly. But anything starting at 6-7 would be rushing to get to the after party. Not cool.

MalagaNights · 03/12/2023 16:28

It's rude.
You are not just providing food you are hosting for an evening. People shouldn't just eat and run.

A dinner party is a party.

I'd say: sorry we are looking forward to hosting relaxed dinner party with close friends this NY so won't be going anywhere else.

Then see what their decision is.

If they have any manners they'll say: ok cool, I'll let xy friend know we can't make it. Looking forward to seeing you guys at NYE!

kitsuneghost · 03/12/2023 16:34

@MalagaNights
Because it's got party I'm it's name?
Pretty sure most people realise dinner party and party are two very different atmospheres.

NeedToChangeName · 03/12/2023 16:36

Nesbi · 03/12/2023 14:19

It’s rude. It puts the hosts in a really awkward position as they either have to agree to go because they know their guests would like to go, or they say they don’t want to go and their guests either have to decline the other party they clearly want to go to or bugger off early from dinner and leave the hosts on their own.

it’s just really ungracious.

Agree with this

goingtotown · 03/12/2023 16:37

I'd be annoyed, ask your friends if they would rather go to the party because you won't be going.

Giraffescarf · 03/12/2023 16:42

Sometimes we might not t see friends for months so this busy period means accepting every offer. It's good to like lots of people and want to see them. I don't think they've been disrespectful and they have invited you too.