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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s a bit cheeky for friends to suggest we go to a party after we host?

231 replies

shrinkiewinkie · 03/12/2023 13:33

We are hosting a dinner party with friends for New Years. Will cook some nice food and have good wine. This has been planned and confirmed for a while. Have started buying ingredients.

I got a message from the friends coming over saying that they’ve been invited to a party at their friends house. They’d like to go and the invite has been extended to us too. So we could have dinner at mine and then go to the party.

DH thinks this is cheeky. Essentially saying they’d like our nice grub but then think there are better ways to welcome in the new year. What do you think?

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/12/2023 16:44

It’s also a bit awkward because we were going to invite some other friends over for dinner too, but I don’t suppose they’d be invited over to the party too

That makes a heck of a difference - do the "let's go to the other party" people know you've also invited others, and if so what do they expect you to do with them?

MrsMarzetti · 03/12/2023 16:50

Just tell them you would love to go to the party but you will reschedule the dinner party for another night.

Blanketpolicy · 03/12/2023 16:52

shrinkiewinkie · 03/12/2023 15:23

Do I want to go to the party? Not really, it’s maybe 40 minutes away on public transport.

I actually met the host of the party about 15 years ago when we were teenagers. We even went on a few dates! I’ve met him and his wife a few times since and they’re nice enough people but not really someone we’d be friends with.

It’s also a bit awkward because we were going to invite some other friends over for dinner too, but I don’t suppose they’d be invited over to the party too.

It’s also a bit awkward because we were going to invite some other friends over for dinner too,

If your friends don't know you are inviting more people after they accepted your invite would you see that as equally "cheeky"?

They have just asked you a question, do you fancy a party after dinner, just reply yes or no. If you want to invite more to yours you need to ask them if it is ok as you are changing the invite you have extended to them

kitsuneghost · 03/12/2023 16:52

Where are you from OP. I am thinking the etiquette may be different in different parts of the country. Where are your guests from?
I am thinking the quiet dinner party are southern and the door hopping and party are Scottish

HelenaCh9 · 03/12/2023 16:52

Well at least they didn’t pretend that they agreed to the party ages ago and forgot about it. None of this, “so sorry but we can’t actually make dinner, we forgot we had plans with James and Sarah” nonsense.

They’re telling you honestly that they’ve been invited to a party and want to go. Tbh I wouldn’t bother tagging along because you’re not really invited. I am not saying you’d be unwelcome, but you’d just be an add-on to your friends and who wants to travel for forty minutes on NYE for that.

Just say that you will see them another time and invite the other couple over.

Naddd · 03/12/2023 17:00

Stingy? How exactly?

HotMummaSummer · 03/12/2023 17:01

Maybe they just like more of a party atmosphere for welcoming in the New Year...

wineoclock90 · 03/12/2023 17:04

Very cheeky

Crabble · 03/12/2023 17:05

I can see they probably didn’t mean it rudely but I would be annoyed about this.

I don’t want to go out on NYE, I prefer to have a chilled one. So for all the people saying “a party sounds fun” - it’s a matter of opinion. Clearly OP doesn’t think it sounds fun and she would be a tag along who probably knows few or any people there

It also puts pressure on the dinner. It has to be done by a certain time so they have time to get the 40 minute public transport somewhere else and arrive in time for midnight. That applies even if the friends go to the party on their own.

Now either OP has to go along when she doesn’t want to, or tell her friends she doesn’t want to go and feel like she is somehow getting in the way of them doing what they would prefer to do, ie go to the party

billy1966 · 03/12/2023 17:16

autienotnaughty · 03/12/2023 14:32

It puts you in a rubbish position you eithe decline and your friends decline but secretly resent you. Or you decline and they go and leave you mid evening . Or you go but feel resentful because you actually don't want to go

There's no winning here. Your friends should have either declined or mentioned it in conversation but not with a view to accepting unless you expressed a interest.

Probably this.
It certainly isn't something I would do or come across when a dinner party is involved.
If you were eating out it would be different.

40 minutes on public transport would not be my idea of fun after preparing and eating a nice meal, after a few glasses of wine too.
If it was 5 minutes walk and you knew the party hosts well, then maybe.
Sounds like too much effort, but each to their own.
I certainly don't think you can up and leave if you are having other guests too.
Do what suits you best.
If that means staying put and enjoying ringing in the year with your other dinner guests, so be it.

PaminaMozart · 03/12/2023 17:17

@shrinkiewinkie - am I correct in thinking that you were planning to invite other guests but haven't actually done so?

You could just host your friends with drinks and canapés and then all go to the party. And save the dinner party for some time in January.

However, if dinner with your other friends is important to you and/or has already been hinted at, I'd go with that. With or without the party-going friends.

Ultimately do what YOU and your husband want to do.

TerfTalking · 03/12/2023 17:19

I would be offended OP.

Nonimai · 03/12/2023 17:20

I think this is worse than a bit cheeky. When you arrange a NY get together, there’s an assumption that you will stay until after midnight. These days a home cooked dinner party with nice wine(s) can be a big expense and a lot of effort. Not everyone wants a party on nye, a more intimate gathering with a few friends is clearly what the op intended. I would be really offended by this, cancel them for dinner and invite someone nicer.

Dontgivemeplants · 03/12/2023 17:20

I think it's fine. It's new years eve, the whole point is the more the merrier. I hope my friends don't think like you

Crocadoodledoo · 03/12/2023 17:22

Exactly what @Crabble said. The OP would feel under pressure to get the dinner done and dusted early so her friends can dash off to their preferred NYE celebration. Not exactly relaxing, and very bad-mannered of them to even think of putting you in this position.

Viviennemary · 03/12/2023 17:24

I think its ok for NYE. Any other time it would be a bit cheeky. Sounds quite a fun night.

diddl · 03/12/2023 17:25

I think the travelling & other guests makes a difference.

I'd invite the others & tell the originals to go to the party instead.

Loopytiles · 03/12/2023 17:29

Given that you don’t know the party hosts and it’s a taxi or tedious public transport journey away, your friends have been rude, unless it was never your intent to see in the new year together.

If they wanted to be free to see if they got better invitations they should’ve declined yours!

Not great, though, that you’d been considering inviting some other friends over too, unless you made clear when you invited the first friends that you planned to do that.

GrimDamnFanjo · 03/12/2023 17:31

Nothing wrong with party hopping but the OP was organising a dinner party which has a very different vibe and what they planned for their NYE.
Add in that the second event is 40 mins away with people they don't know well and it's now a very different night.
The invited couple would probably want to do both, sounds a great night out for them with two hosted events.
I once hosted similar where the second eventers spent all their time clock watching. Often the meal gets a bit delayed at a dinner party - you don't want to be under a deadline for departures.
Id just say that's not for us, have a great time at the party, and invite the other couple instead.

PackageCount167 · 03/12/2023 17:32

Im normally easily offended! But I dont think this is rude at all! It sounds fun!

Gwenhwyfar · 03/12/2023 17:34

Changingplace · 03/12/2023 13:35

It’s just a suggestion, I don’t really think it’s cheeky as such - it would be if they’d not invited you to the party but they have

No, it's cheeky. The friends accepted OP's invitation, presumable for the whole NYE and have now got what seems like a better offer and are trying to get out of their previous engagement. Selfish people do this.

StarShipControl · 03/12/2023 17:37

I think this sounds fun too! Go for it.

autienotnaughty · 03/12/2023 17:41

Well you have your reason . It's a lovely idea but we were looking forward to what we planned plus there's others coming too so it doesn't work for us.
Then they can either cancel on you (traitors) or let the party idea go.

Chardonnay73 · 03/12/2023 17:43

We alternate NYE with another couple. We do an all out 5/6 course meal with accompanying wines, then decamp to the lounge, put Big Ben on and see in the New Year together. I’d be really hurt if they wanted to bugger off to another party at 11pm even if I was invited. Like “I’ll eat your lovely food all evening but I’d rather spend the big moment in a more fun environment “.
Honestly, I’d be really pissed off. Because even though I love a party they had accepted your invitation for a more low key celebration first. Rude. And it would make me question their friendship if they couldn’t see that it was an inappropriate way to behave.

If, before arrangements had been finalised they said, hey we’ve been invited to Bob and Kim’s, will be a bit of a giggle, do you fancy it? Then fair enough. But this way would make me feel like second best and the less fun option….

LardyCakeAgain · 03/12/2023 17:45

LaurieStrode · 03/12/2023 13:53

I have dozens of entertaining and etiquette books from the last hundred years, in my collection.

Party hopping is etiquettely correct and a festive tradition. There's nothing at all rude or cheeky about the suggestion. It's generous and fun.

If the friends canceled due to a better offer, they'd be rude. But they aren't; they are offering a fun addition to the evening.

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I'd love to see your library - I find this stuff fascinating and how expected etiquette changes throughout history!