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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s a bit cheeky for friends to suggest we go to a party after we host?

231 replies

shrinkiewinkie · 03/12/2023 13:33

We are hosting a dinner party with friends for New Years. Will cook some nice food and have good wine. This has been planned and confirmed for a while. Have started buying ingredients.

I got a message from the friends coming over saying that they’ve been invited to a party at their friends house. They’d like to go and the invite has been extended to us too. So we could have dinner at mine and then go to the party.

DH thinks this is cheeky. Essentially saying they’d like our nice grub but then think there are better ways to welcome in the new year. What do you think?

OP posts:
cheddercherry · 03/12/2023 17:45

If you don’t want to go then just say actually we’ve invited a few more friends to host over too and therefore we’re planning to celebrate at midnight together so you can’t go. That leaves them with the option to cancel or to come (but with the implied assumption they’d also stay for midnight?)

If I said I was attending a NYE party I’d stay the whole night, but I wouldn’t be mortally offended if people drop in/ out - it’s like Christmas time; some people have a lot of friends/ family to see in a short space and feel it’s nicer to compromise and see everyone a bit than not see people at all.

TheFormidableMrsC · 03/12/2023 17:49

I think it's very rude. I'd say to them that maybe they'd prefer to go there and that's fine because there will be other guests at yours. No way would I be traipsing 40 mins on public transport on NYE to go to a party. Sod that.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 03/12/2023 17:51

I'd give them an 'out' / a pass (excusing them) from your party as you can't (don't want to anyway) go to their friends party as you're hosting your own do.

Better they don't turn up at all than they break the mood by disappearing half way through.

Rude of them but at least you're fore-warned of their intention.

Helloits2023 · 03/12/2023 17:53

I’m not sure I could get too upset about this. The build up to midnight and post midnight part of NYE can be a bit awkward in a small group, a lot of waiting around looking at the clock/TV if there’s not big party energy. To me their suggestion sounds ideal, you get the nice intimate dinner party vibes hanging out with your good friends, but then proper celebratory mode later. Obviously you don’t feel that way, which is fine, but I think it was a genuinely well-meant offer from them, so if you don’t fancy it just decline graciously.

JudgeJ · 03/12/2023 17:56

WelshDaffodil · 03/12/2023 13:46

Well, you're all invited, so why not if it's nearby? I'd find it cheeky they were going to eat and run but you're all invited, so...?

I think it sounds fine, the hours between the end of eating and midnight can drag, this passes the responsibility on to others!

sprigatito · 03/12/2023 17:57

I think they are being really thoughtless and selfish. If you invite friends to a dinner party on NYE it's obvious you're expecting to take your time over a lovely dinner and drinks and see the NY in together. They knew they'd committed to that and now they have buyer's remorse after receiving a better offer, which they've covered by saying " oh, you're invited too". They know that isn't the evening you offered and they agreed to.

I would say "I had planned a dinner party with several courses to take our time over, not a quick bite to eat before going out - sorry you got the wrong end of the stick! Let me know if you decide to go to the party instead, so I can cater for a smaller number." And I would feel a bit cooler towards them tbh.

Delatron · 03/12/2023 17:58

If you think about it practically- even if you did go to the party. You wouldn’t leave until after dinner. So earliest 9/10. Then you break up the evening by faffing about on public transport for 40 minutes. You get there at what 11? Then later on in the evening you’re paying for cabs/public transport home. On NYE when cabs are triple price. I mean I like a party and couldn’t be arsed with that faff after cooking a big meal/hosting and then you have the clear up.

Delatron · 03/12/2023 17:59

And I don’t think all this ‘party hopping’ malarkey means travel for 40 minutes between said parties . It’s for parties within walking distance.

PossumintheHouse · 03/12/2023 18:00

LardyCakeAgain · 03/12/2023 17:45

I'd love to see your library - I find this stuff fascinating and how expected etiquette changes throughout history!

Show quote history

Don’t encourage her.

appalledandtired · 03/12/2023 18:00

That sounds like a nice idea. It's a bit tedious and tiring waiting for midnight after dinner is over so a party would be fun

LardyCakeAgain · 03/12/2023 18:01

I don't understand this idea from some PPs of being moody, or distancing from the guests who are party-hopping. As long as you have notice in advance of their plans (a month is plenty!), and you've been invited along instead of left on your own, it comes across as a bit precious tbh. Dinner parties can be hard work for guests too, especially if people's preferences about levels of drinking, food, and whether to stay up till midnight don't line up.

mantyzer · 03/12/2023 18:06

Just say no if you don't want to do this.
For me it sounds ideal, although I would say I want a leisurely dinner so if we leave for the party at 10.30pm is that fine? Dinner parties normally finish about 10.30/11pm anyway.

Scruffington · 03/12/2023 18:07

LardyCakeAgain · 03/12/2023 18:01

I don't understand this idea from some PPs of being moody, or distancing from the guests who are party-hopping. As long as you have notice in advance of their plans (a month is plenty!), and you've been invited along instead of left on your own, it comes across as a bit precious tbh. Dinner parties can be hard work for guests too, especially if people's preferences about levels of drinking, food, and whether to stay up till midnight don't line up.

You see it a lot on MN, people being encouraged to punish friends for very minor reasons.

mantyzer · 03/12/2023 18:13

And then you see people on MN bewailing their lack of friends.
I would never take friendship advice from MN.

Gameofmoans81 · 03/12/2023 18:15

It could be a bit rude but I do think it’s more fun to go to a party than a quiet meal on NYE and they’re probably thinking the same. Just go along and enjoy! They’re probably feeling really awkward about not wanting to let you down but also really wanting to go to the party

TheYearOfSmallThings · 03/12/2023 18:17

I think it is rude, because the hosts of the other party aren't really friends of yours, and you are literally only invited because this will allow your friends to change the original plan in a borderline acceptable way.

However if you were planning to invite other friends anyway I don't think it is a massive problem - just crack on and invite them and have a good evening with them instead. I wouldn't fall out with the original friends about it but I would suggest they come to dinner with you another time because people leaving halfway through the evening would change the atmosphere at yours.

Tontostitis · 03/12/2023 18:24

I'd love that nice dinner and chat then party with friends and new faces.

LaurieStrode · 03/12/2023 18:36

mantyzer · 03/12/2023 18:13

And then you see people on MN bewailing their lack of friends.
I would never take friendship advice from MN.

I know!

How do people make new friends if they're so inflexible, easily offended and mentally constipated??

RoseGoldEagle · 03/12/2023 18:36

It seems as if the people who think it’s all fine and so much fun, are those that would happily go to the party. What if the OP and her DH don’t want to go? (Because they wanted a night in with friends, with no need to go out into the cold or dress up or chat to people they don’t really know- all valid reasons even if others don’t feel that way).

Then what- the OP says ‘oh sorry we don’t fancy that, but you go!’ and then spend ages planning, shopping for and cooking a nice meal, and then happily waves the friends goodbye to celebrate the rest of the night with other friends? Or the friends say ‘ah ok, fair enough, well if you don’t want to then we won’t either…’ but then OP is left thinking they’d rather be doing that.

The whole ‘it’s fine by all the etiquette books I’ve ever read’ doesn’t really stack up when lots of real life humans have said they would find it rude! It IS rude! You’re just lucky if you try it and happen to be dealing with people that like the plan!

LaurieStrode · 03/12/2023 18:38

appalledandtired · 03/12/2023 18:00

That sounds like a nice idea. It's a bit tedious and tiring waiting for midnight after dinner is over so a party would be fun

Exactly!

How fun to bustle around getting coats and scarves and heading out en masse for a new adventure for an hour or two.

mantyzer · 03/12/2023 18:40

@RoseGoldEagle They talk to their friends and say they do not want to go to a party. They can suggest cancelling the dinner if they want to.

Riverlee · 03/12/2023 18:41

I think it’s a bit cheeky. I’d interpret that as that they’d prefer to be with the other friends, but don’t feel they can let you down, as they’ve accepted your invite first.

LaurieStrode · 03/12/2023 18:42

Thanks, @LardyCakeAgain
My mother gave me an etiquette book when I turned 16 and I've been collecting them ever since. (I'm 60 now)

They span the last 125 years, from DeBretts to The Mayflower Madam, lol.

There's nothing etiquettely incorrect about attending multiple gatherings on NYE.

LaurieStrode · 03/12/2023 18:44

RoseGoldEagle · 03/12/2023 18:36

It seems as if the people who think it’s all fine and so much fun, are those that would happily go to the party. What if the OP and her DH don’t want to go? (Because they wanted a night in with friends, with no need to go out into the cold or dress up or chat to people they don’t really know- all valid reasons even if others don’t feel that way).

Then what- the OP says ‘oh sorry we don’t fancy that, but you go!’ and then spend ages planning, shopping for and cooking a nice meal, and then happily waves the friends goodbye to celebrate the rest of the night with other friends? Or the friends say ‘ah ok, fair enough, well if you don’t want to then we won’t either…’ but then OP is left thinking they’d rather be doing that.

The whole ‘it’s fine by all the etiquette books I’ve ever read’ doesn’t really stack up when lots of real life humans have said they would find it rude! It IS rude! You’re just lucky if you try it and happen to be dealing with people that like the plan!

It's not rude. Dinner guests are never obliged to stay more than a couple of hours anyway.

Onautopilot1 · 03/12/2023 18:46

That's a bit CF, but not as bad as at my wedding.
Brand new DH's uncle and ( very nasty) aunt came to our wedding and reception but left before the dance as they were going to their golf club cabaret...free admission if you didn't have the dinner!!
They announced this as we were mingling at the end of the meal and asked another couple if they were coming too (a firm No from them).
Unitl the aunt died 23 years later this kind of behavior was common.
And yes, they gave us a shit present ( plastic laundry basket)