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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be angry about photo of me taking without my consent

647 replies

Annoyedofnorfolk · 03/12/2023 09:38

Last week I was walking our dog, it was first thing in the morning and admittedly I wasn't looking my best - just pulled a hoody on!

Unbeknownst to me, somebody who works with my partner took a photo of me whilst he was on a building site and sent it to my partner on social media (and perhaps also sent to others) with a very nasty comment about my appearance and weight. I have never met this man, and he doesn't know anything about me or what is going on in my life right now - I can only presume he recognised our dog. My partner told me about the picture.

I have been so angry about this, my partner is also very angry and has said something - the person who has taken the photo has doubled down said "it was only a joke and basically get over yourself". To be honest I have little time for people who resort to saying "it was a joke" when their nastiness is called out.

I want to email the company he works for - he did this on the company clock, from a company vehicle - he may be my partner's workmate, but I am also a member of the public, and as such I have a right to privacy and should be able to take my dog for a walk without being photographed and made fun of, he has invaded my privacy - it will impact on me, as I will be reluctant to walk that way again. My partner says he won't be bothered if I do, and it will be taken seriously as it is a reputable company, but I'm not sure if that is over reacting. Would be unreasonable to do this, or should I just forget it as the bloke is clearly a childish misogynistic arsehole.

OP posts:
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heathspeedwell · 03/12/2023 11:02

I'm sorry this happened to you and I think you are absolutely right to speak to his employer. If we don't call men out when they do this stuff then it will never get better - although experience shows it can escalate. Next time he could be photographing and harassing a vulnerable teenage girl.

Sadly I don't think there's any point reporting it to the police. They don't recognise misogyny as a hate crime. The fact is that transwomen (ie men) have a lot more rights than we do.

Tryingmybestadhd · 03/12/2023 11:03

Your partner must speak with HR and go from there. That is 100% unacceptable and if it was done during work hours then yes it must and should be reported . Bullies should never be given excuses , only punishment

YaWeeFurryBastard · 03/12/2023 11:03

Peablockfeathers · 03/12/2023 10:56

I agree going to the police feels too much, but if as you say the company won't do anything anyway then an email which will only take a few mins to send isn't an issue is it? OP should report, any consequences are down to him, he chose to take a photo, add some misogynistic and nasty text to go with it and then send it to OPs partner to humiliate her during work time. Disgusting.

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I agree, I think an email to the company along the lines of “unfortunately I have been made aware that whilst working on x site a photo has been taken without my consent by x nasty man and shared on Snapchat with derogatory comments about my appearance”.

Hopefully the company will give him a bollocking but I think it’s unfair to get the OP riled up into thinking he’s going to lose his job.

MargotBamborough · 03/12/2023 11:04

Mrgrinch · 03/12/2023 10:34

What are his circumstances? I know that shouldn't play a part but I couldn't feel good about potentially causing someone to lose their job this close to Christmas if they have a family to support.

It's not that he doesn't deserve it, he definitely does. But if there are children in the picture I'd need to think longer about my decision because they shouldn't have to suffer the consequences of their dad being an arsehole.

I would feel great about it tbh.

The reason men do this sort of thing is because there are generally no consequences.

If this sort of behaviour starts being taken seriously then that would be a good thing for society.

honeylulu · 03/12/2023 11:04

It was Snapchat so did your partner manage to get a screenshot before it disappeared? If not I bet the vile instigator will just deny and smirk.

I would report it yes. There was an absolute sleaze at my workplace who laughed off complaints about his behaviour until the complaints escalated to a high level of management and then he was out on his ear very quickly. He was astonished and indignant. But without the formal complaints he'd still be getting away with it.

couchparsnip · 03/12/2023 11:07

What a horrible man! But I agree with the PP - Unfortunately you probably don't have the evidence to do anything about this. It was sent on Snapchat and there is no screenshot. It's going to be really difficult to prove he did it. You suspect he sent it to other people but again there's no proof.

Get DH to screenshot if he does it again!

FourteenTog · 03/12/2023 11:08

Outliers · 03/12/2023 09:45

Threatening his livelihood (I.e. job security) in this current climate seems like a disproportionate escalation.

It really doesn't. Behaviours like this lead to other behaviours. He has an appetite that needs to be checked for the public good and especially for the future safety of women.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 03/12/2023 11:09

MargotBamborough · 03/12/2023 11:04

I would feel great about it tbh.

The reason men do this sort of thing is because there are generally no consequences.

If this sort of behaviour starts being taken seriously then that would be a good thing for society.

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Me too. Sod this 'turning the other cheek' business.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 03/12/2023 11:09

honeylulu · 03/12/2023 11:04

It was Snapchat so did your partner manage to get a screenshot before it disappeared? If not I bet the vile instigator will just deny and smirk.

I would report it yes. There was an absolute sleaze at my workplace who laughed off complaints about his behaviour until the complaints escalated to a high level of management and then he was out on his ear very quickly. He was astonished and indignant. But without the formal complaints he'd still be getting away with it.

He may well deny it. However, the burden of proof for workplace disciplinary processes is far less than it is in a court of law. Lack of hard evidence does not necessarily mean it will go nowhere. Regardless, if management is not even made aware of his behaviour they can't even think about addressing it. He might get away with it scot-free, he might not, but if it is not reported he definitely will.

housethatbuiltme · 03/12/2023 11:09

You actually don't have a right to privacy in public, by law he is perfectly within his rights to photograph you and he owns all copyright. He does not need your permission at all.

What he probably does not have the right to do is mock you on company time (or possibly at all). It really depends on what it says as to if it classes as 'hate' etc... but its clearly not very nice and I can't imagine his boss will be happy.

Its utterly bizarre he sent it to your DH. I can't imagine any guy would be happy to get a message basically saying 'your wife is a fat munter' (which is kind of what your implying it was saying) or why on earth someone would think he would find that funny.

So you are not unreasonable to be mad at the bullying or even to complain to the boss but you are unreasonable to mistake a public place as being private (you should still 'morally' be respected in public though and not mocked/bullied).

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 03/12/2023 11:10

Slebs get this all the time, don't they? Gives us a small insight into how it must feel -"Here's Sandra Bullock nipping out for some milk in a hoody and NO MAKE-UP!".
What a creep that man is. I would feel my privacy had been violated too.

LittleMissSunshiner · 03/12/2023 11:10

In law, anyone can photograph you going about your day in a public place (with very few restrictions that don't apply here).

As the photo / text was intended to be hurtful to you then you could report this to the police as harassment / malicious communication. You would need a copy of the original text / photo.

You could complain to the company and hope for the guy to get a ticking off.

Main thing is to deal with your shock and hurt in all this. Realistically you're probably not going to get too far with taking action but you need to get your confidence back and recover from the emotional impact of it all.

BardRelic · 03/12/2023 11:10

OP he's not going to get sacked for this alone. If it's a first offence, he'll likely just get a warning. If he's got form for it, then he might lose his job, but it will only be because this is the last thing in a long line. And if that's the case, he'll deserve what's coming his way. So please don't feel like you're the guilty one. He needs to be the one thinking about the consequences of his actions and their impact on others, including you and his family.

purplesky18 · 03/12/2023 11:11

Sorry but he let down his family the minute he decided to be a bullying nasty misogynist. If he has daughters or a wife he should be ashamed of himself and maybe they can drill into him why he shouldn’t treat women this way. Report him, make him suffer, I’m sick of these men that think they can do whatever with no consequence because women will put up and shut up.

Isitreallythough · 03/12/2023 11:12

‘Last week I was walking our dog, it was first thing in the morning and admittedly I wasn't looking my best - just pulled a hoody on!’

Gosh why on earth shouldn’t you?! You can wear whatever you want to walk your dog! I bet he doesn’t make himself glamorous every time he walks out of the door. What a vicious thing to do. He’s obviously an idiot but it would still make me pretty angry.

I can understand you being nervous of what the company might do, at this time of year especially, but you’d be within your rights for sure.

FourteenTog · 03/12/2023 11:13

He should be reported ESPECIALLY if he has a family relying on him. His children are not ok being parented by a creep. He disrespects his partner, disrespecting you.

Grumio · 03/12/2023 11:13

Report him. Even if it's gone because it was on Snapchat, the fact that your husband received it and can also support what you say would effectively negate any attempt at denial on his part.

Please don't let him get away with this. What a vile creep. His bosses should definitely be made aware.

Weddingblues23 · 03/12/2023 11:13

Other than this being on company time, which is pretty minor tbh, the company can't do anything. He was a dick, yes, but that's nothing to do with them.

FourteenTog · 03/12/2023 11:16

Weddingblues23 · 03/12/2023 11:13

Other than this being on company time, which is pretty minor tbh, the company can't do anything. He was a dick, yes, but that's nothing to do with them.

Reputational damage to the company? And I wonder how he may be using the company computers or Wi-Fi.

RaininSummer · 03/12/2023 11:16

Definitely put a complaint in. Taking the photo was invasive enough but then posting and commenting is shocking.

Grumio · 03/12/2023 11:17

Weddingblues23 · 03/12/2023 11:13

Other than this being on company time, which is pretty minor tbh, the company can't do anything. He was a dick, yes, but that's nothing to do with them.

I disagree with this. The company time is a weak point, I think. The main thing is that he was working on a building site that presumably had the company's name on a hoarding somewhere, so whilst he is there he is representing the company. This means that his actions have brought the company's name into disrepute. They can definitely discipline him for that.

porridgeisbae · 03/12/2023 11:19

@Annoyedofnorfolk Do you have a screenshot of the messages? Even if you don't have the pic, the other messages after it would prove he sent it. And of course your partner can corroborate (though he was a bit lame to tell you in the first place.)

Either way, I would still report.

Original poster
Annoyedofnorfolk · 03/12/2023 11:23

When my partner told me I sent this man a message on messenger saying I hope he felt good about taking a picture of me walking my dog and what a twat he was. He then replied to my partner and not me! We have the message he sent my partner basically saying “what’s the fuss about? Snapchat was sent as a joke” and was telling my partner to “sort it out” - so he’s admitted he sent something which caused upset - my partner is going to address it and as I’ve said - he showed me because it had upset him and he didn’t want anyone else to say something. I don’t want to send the exact wording but it was a play on the hot or not thing, it went “hot or not? No fat, ….. and ….” Commenting on my looks and age.

I have no idea why he sent this to my partner or how he thought it would be received - or who else he’s sent it to - I was so angry I said to my partner I was going to contact the head office and complain and he said “do it”, he is also going to speak to someone about it.

i am going to talk to my partner about it later, I wasn’t sure I was over reacting and I’m too embarrassed to talk to any of my friends in real life about this.

i don’t know why I am worried about outing him, if he saw this he would see that the general consensus is he is a nasty piece of work.

OP posts:
OdeToBarney · 03/12/2023 11:24

Mojolostforever · 03/12/2023 10:00

No it isn't a hate crime. Sending a photo taken in public, to one other person on a WhatsApp message, isn't illegal.
It's pathetic but that's all. Not something to lose a job over. I doubt that most companies would care.

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It's sex discrimination/sex-based harassment. Would he have done this to a man? I highly bloody doubt it. He could be in breach of the company's social media policy, he's and he's bringing the company into disrepute. Any decent employer should be taking this seriously and opening a disciplinary investigation. OP's DP could also complain about the harassment of his DP. Doesn't matter that it isn't his protected characteristic (sex).

TheaBrandt · 03/12/2023 11:26

It’s not only misogynistic it’s workplace bullying of the husband