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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be angry about photo of me taking without my consent

647 replies

Annoyedofnorfolk · 03/12/2023 09:38

Last week I was walking our dog, it was first thing in the morning and admittedly I wasn't looking my best - just pulled a hoody on!

Unbeknownst to me, somebody who works with my partner took a photo of me whilst he was on a building site and sent it to my partner on social media (and perhaps also sent to others) with a very nasty comment about my appearance and weight. I have never met this man, and he doesn't know anything about me or what is going on in my life right now - I can only presume he recognised our dog. My partner told me about the picture.

I have been so angry about this, my partner is also very angry and has said something - the person who has taken the photo has doubled down said "it was only a joke and basically get over yourself". To be honest I have little time for people who resort to saying "it was a joke" when their nastiness is called out.

I want to email the company he works for - he did this on the company clock, from a company vehicle - he may be my partner's workmate, but I am also a member of the public, and as such I have a right to privacy and should be able to take my dog for a walk without being photographed and made fun of, he has invaded my privacy - it will impact on me, as I will be reluctant to walk that way again. My partner says he won't be bothered if I do, and it will be taken seriously as it is a reputable company, but I'm not sure if that is over reacting. Would be unreasonable to do this, or should I just forget it as the bloke is clearly a childish misogynistic arsehole.

OP posts:
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5
porridgeisbae · 04/12/2023 00:15

and then if the employee had upped the ante as H was worried about, and started taking pictures of the OP's daughter? How can they protect the daughter from this weirdo if H had kept it to himself?

OP can't particularly help that more than her partner could on his own by reporting it to his boss etc (assuming you're not suggesting OP keeps her daughter in 24/7.)

LaurieStrode · 04/12/2023 00:18

porridgeisbae · 04/12/2023 00:15

and then if the employee had upped the ante as H was worried about, and started taking pictures of the OP's daughter? How can they protect the daughter from this weirdo if H had kept it to himself?

OP can't particularly help that more than her partner could on his own by reporting it to his boss etc (assuming you're not suggesting OP keeps her daughter in 24/7.)

Exactly. Husband could have nipped this in the bud and never mentioned it.

Codlingmoths · 04/12/2023 00:28

Derb · 03/12/2023 13:41

I think this too. Would the OP be happy if he lost his job. Yes he's a twat and deserves back lash but I feel that would be too extreme.

Show quote history

The op isn’t threatening his livelihood, he is. Thats like abusive men telling their partner when she leaves him that she has broken up the family. No, she didn’t. He did.

SharSharBinks · 04/12/2023 00:29

All this talk of stalking and calling the police is nuts. It's clearly just a laddish pisstake of "look at the state of your missus this morning".

Pretty grim and I understand why some would report it to the company but honestly I'd rather the police spent their time on serious crime than protecting people's hurt pride. This guy isn't about to start stalking OP.

Original poster
Annoyedofnorfolk · 04/12/2023 00:31

LaurieStrode · 04/12/2023 00:12

He protects his family from ridicule by asking his management to reassign and discipline the creep, not by running home saying "oi my mate posted that you are unattractive!" to his wife.

I can't believe he dumped this in her lap rather than shielding her from it.

Show quote history

@LaurieStrode
Believe it or not, some couples prefer to deal with things together - I don’t need shielding - if some creepy guy is taking pictures of me I want to know about it even if it does upset me - everyone is different, I think my partner knows what the best approach is within our relationship more than you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Annoyedofnorfolk · 04/12/2023 00:33

SharSharBinks · 04/12/2023 00:29

All this talk of stalking and calling the police is nuts. It's clearly just a laddish pisstake of "look at the state of your missus this morning".

Pretty grim and I understand why some would report it to the company but honestly I'd rather the police spent their time on serious crime than protecting people's hurt pride. This guy isn't about to start stalking OP.

But it was far more personal than “look at the state of her” - I work to a professional code of conduct at work and there is a zero tolerance to abuse - why should I put up with it on my doorstep?

I haven’t said I would contact the police? Just the company.

OP posts:
HelenTudorFisk · 04/12/2023 00:39

Annoyedofnorfolk · 04/12/2023 00:33

But it was far more personal than “look at the state of her” - I work to a professional code of conduct at work and there is a zero tolerance to abuse - why should I put up with it on my doorstep?

I haven’t said I would contact the police? Just the company.

Edited
Show quote history

You absolutely shouldn’t put up with it. And feel free to ignore all the previous posters handwringing about ‘pranks gone wrong’ and ‘what if there are consequences for his family’ and ‘in this climate I wouldn’t’. I cannot for the life of me understand why the fuck people expect YOU have to carry the burden of this when HE hasn’t considered the consequences at all, and given by his doubling down, couldn’t care less about the effect of his disgusting behaviour. I guarantee if this isn’t reported he will be emboldened to continue doing this - or worse - because he will perceive that he is right and anyone with a problem just couldn’t take the joke.

LittleMissSunshiner · 04/12/2023 01:18

SharSharBinks · 03/12/2023 23:23

I can't believe people are saying to report to the police.

Fair enough to report to the company but the police are already overstretched, especially at this time of year. Didn't even get contact from them when my brand new car was nicked, despite having CCTV footage.

A colleague had somebody try and climb in her window (they didn't realise she was in as lights were out) and despite them leaving the ladder police wouldn't visit or take fingerprints as they only send the fingerprint team if blood has been spilled.

This may be a nasty joke but it's not worthy of wasting police time IMO.

I'm no fan of the police but in this instance it is worth reporting as the intention was possibly to harass / intimidate / or create a malicious communication to share with other members of staff (which it could have been) and could put OPs personal safety at direct risk when out and about.

The police get endless calls about abusive or inappropriate texts etc, mainly from school aged children and young adults (I know this as a former police officer friend told me it was the bulk of her job in fact).

However, in the case where the person who took the image, added the words, and shared it, is very easily identifiable and located, won't take much to have a quick word with, there is a good chance the police might have a chat. Unless this is London Met Police in which case forget it, all bets are off with them lot.

WiddlinDiddlin · 04/12/2023 04:01

I absolutely would complain to his employer.

The taking of the photo may not be illegal but is likely against company policy.

The sending of the message with abusive/disgusting/bullying accompanying text may well be illegal, and against company policy.

Ditto any other use of the image.

Give them whatever proof you have, but a statement from you and your DP plus the whatsapp message admitting to having sent something via snapchat should be enough for the employer.

I know what you mean about wishing you'd not been told. My sister told me someone in a local pub had had a go at my Dad, telling him its disgusting that his daughter (me) has got so fat she can't walk (untrue, I can't walk, take insulin and as a result... etc etc) and that the NHS have to fund my wheelchairs as a result.

I haven't left my house since except for a couple of medical appointments I could not swerve. I don't even know this man, but I would like to punch him until he's a sort of smear on the floor.

Conkersinautumn · 04/12/2023 06:55

Following this through, professionally with the company, is definitely what this guy needs as his behaviour is a bloody long way from professional. Using a company phone for all this rather puts a slant on it that he can't wriggle out of. It's irrelevant if he was taking a break for eg

Cosyblankets · 04/12/2023 07:05

It's only a joke if you both think it's a joke

disappearingfish · 04/12/2023 07:07

Yes I would tell his company. I guarantee this is not an isolated incident.

sugarandsweetener · 04/12/2023 07:09

The type of poster who is aghast at all of us expressing horror at this and thinks that we are all over reacting…. is the type of mother who would ask her daughter “you are sure you said No?” and “Do you think you might have led him on?”

electriclight · 04/12/2023 07:12

Report it if it will give you closure but nothing will happen except your dp getting a lot of flack from his colleagues for telling you, and for supporting you in making a complaint.

He didn't send it to anyone else. The photo disappeared as soon as it was opened. If asked, he'll say the comment was a harmless 'is this your gf?' His line manager won't care that he stopped work for five secs to take a photo of his friend's dp, and he might have been taking a break or waiting to start.

I think your dp should have handled it privately and not told you. I think there is probably a reason this man that it would be ok - because your dp talks in a similar way about people.

sugarandsweetener · 04/12/2023 07:27

electriclight · 04/12/2023 07:12

Report it if it will give you closure but nothing will happen except your dp getting a lot of flack from his colleagues for telling you, and for supporting you in making a complaint.

He didn't send it to anyone else. The photo disappeared as soon as it was opened. If asked, he'll say the comment was a harmless 'is this your gf?' His line manager won't care that he stopped work for five secs to take a photo of his friend's dp, and he might have been taking a break or waiting to start.

I think your dp should have handled it privately and not told you. I think there is probably a reason this man that it would be ok - because your dp talks in a similar way about people.

you are presuming a shit company there

my company would be appalled at act accordingly

TheLurpackYears · 04/12/2023 07:38

Your partner should report this to his employer.

FourteenTog · 04/12/2023 08:15

Isn't there another thread that mentions transactional analysis. Some of the repeat posters here who want to minimise and cover up, and shift blame, seem to be reacting within defensive parent-child dynamics only. Excluding the possibility that OP can deal and be dealt with as an adult. Are they not ashamed to interfere and judge someone's marriage.

On another point, a man using a camera to target a woman unawares and then upset her partner and make him have to choose loyalties between workmates and lifemate is nothing like a man bantering directly with another man about the other man's appearance. Great that people have managed to live innocent of patterns of stalking, harassment, intimidation, escalation, etc. But the default shouldn't be Lovely Stupid Man Had a Joke. It should be men need to stop behaving towards women in ways that vaguely resemble dangerous crime, and sometimes are part of a pattern of it developing.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/12/2023 08:19

sugarandsweetener · 04/12/2023 07:09

The type of poster who is aghast at all of us expressing horror at this and thinks that we are all over reacting…. is the type of mother who would ask her daughter “you are sure you said No?” and “Do you think you might have led him on?”

From other threads that poster has a habit of telling us plebs that we don't meet their standards of dress and behaviour and general attitude. When they appear on a thread I just assume they're on a windup.

phoenixrosehere · 04/12/2023 08:27

electriclight · 04/12/2023 07:12

Report it if it will give you closure but nothing will happen except your dp getting a lot of flack from his colleagues for telling you, and for supporting you in making a complaint.

He didn't send it to anyone else. The photo disappeared as soon as it was opened. If asked, he'll say the comment was a harmless 'is this your gf?' His line manager won't care that he stopped work for five secs to take a photo of his friend's dp, and he might have been taking a break or waiting to start.

I think your dp should have handled it privately and not told you. I think there is probably a reason this man that it would be ok - because your dp talks in a similar way about people.

He didn't send it to anyone else. The photo disappeared as soon as it was opened. If asked, he'll say the comment was a harmless 'is this your gf?' His line manager won't care that he stopped work for five secs to take a photo of his friend's dp, and he might have been taking a break or waiting to start.

How do you know he didn’t send it to someone else? Also, just because a photo disappeared, doesn’t mean it is gone. It takes seconds to do a screenshot, people have clouds where stuff sent are automatically saved, etc.

Someone who is comfortable to do this on company time to someone they know’s family and call it lad sh*t, they are very much likely comfortably doing this to strangers on company time.

Also, I wouldn’t automatically guess that her DH speaks similar about people because of this guy’s actions. A guy like this likely thinks because he hasn’t had any real consequences to his behaviour, it’s absolutely fine regardless of what others say or well, don’t say.

StrictlyComeSnoozing · 04/12/2023 08:28

Outliers · 03/12/2023 09:45

Threatening his livelihood (I.e. job security) in this current climate seems like a disproportionate escalation.

Arguably people should temper their own behaviour should they not want the risk of losing their livelihood.

IcyGleamyPinkyDiamond · 04/12/2023 08:45

I'm glad you're doing something about this, his behaviour is completely unacceptable. I would definitely send an email, too.

meeplesmarples · 04/12/2023 08:53

I'd report him and maybe he'll think twice about being such a misogynistic replusive little shit in future. When you choose a behaviour, you choose the consequences, and he deserves some consequences.

lemmein · 04/12/2023 08:54

What a horrible little wanker.

My DH works in construction and would definitely be disciplined at work for doing something like that!

mummymeister · 04/12/2023 09:18

To all those posters saying not to contact the Police or they wont be interested etc you have completely failed to understand how the Police work. They will log this incident against this man. they may take no action and you might not hear anything ever again. But it will have been logged. and just think if in the future he does become a stalker or over step the mark to an even greater extent? Your report is evidence. they will use it to show that his behaviour wasnt a one off but sustained over a number of years and increasing in its intensity. Thats why the Police ask for things to be reported. it builds a profile and a case. if he does nothing else in the future then it just sits there. but if he does it really helps to show prolonged behaviour. this is why its so important to report things that others on here say are trivial or whatever. yes on its own it might be but taken with 50 other incidences?

SerafinasGoose · 04/12/2023 09:22

RantyAnty · 03/12/2023 16:13

What is happening this thread is called

"Misogynistic scrutiny"

It refers to the biased, unfair, or hostile examination directed towards women who report incidents of harassment or assault.

This scrutiny often involves questioning the validity of their claims, blaming the victim, and using societal stereotypes or biases to undermine their experiences.

It reflects a systemic issue where cultural attitudes and prejudices contribute to a challenging environment for survivors seeking justice or support.

This post bears requoting.

But it's now common knowledge that this site is crawling with MRAs, who make a particular beeline for threads posted by women who are victims of male harassment and abuse. It wouldn't occur to me to go to a men's discussion forum and start telling off all the men there.

This says something about systemic male privilege.