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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be angry about photo of me taking without my consent

647 replies

Annoyedofnorfolk · 03/12/2023 09:38

Last week I was walking our dog, it was first thing in the morning and admittedly I wasn't looking my best - just pulled a hoody on!

Unbeknownst to me, somebody who works with my partner took a photo of me whilst he was on a building site and sent it to my partner on social media (and perhaps also sent to others) with a very nasty comment about my appearance and weight. I have never met this man, and he doesn't know anything about me or what is going on in my life right now - I can only presume he recognised our dog. My partner told me about the picture.

I have been so angry about this, my partner is also very angry and has said something - the person who has taken the photo has doubled down said "it was only a joke and basically get over yourself". To be honest I have little time for people who resort to saying "it was a joke" when their nastiness is called out.

I want to email the company he works for - he did this on the company clock, from a company vehicle - he may be my partner's workmate, but I am also a member of the public, and as such I have a right to privacy and should be able to take my dog for a walk without being photographed and made fun of, he has invaded my privacy - it will impact on me, as I will be reluctant to walk that way again. My partner says he won't be bothered if I do, and it will be taken seriously as it is a reputable company, but I'm not sure if that is over reacting. Would be unreasonable to do this, or should I just forget it as the bloke is clearly a childish misogynistic arsehole.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
PippyLongTits · 03/12/2023 16:56

Annoyedofnorfolk · 03/12/2023 11:59

I suppose what I meant when I said I pulled on a hoody was that I got out of bed, just put leggings and an oversized hoody on, tied up my hair and had specs on, I am a nurse and would have to be getting ready properly for work later on, I just wanted to get the dog out quickly for her walk - I probably did look a state.

I would like him not to work on that site any more, but get sent to a different one as it is only two doors down from where I live.

as a pp had said - I would have been annoyed if he’d taken a photo and sent it with an innocuous comment, but he was really nasty - when a complete stranger thinks that they can say nasty things about you really does have an impact.

As far as I am concerned my partner did the right thing showing me as if it had come out later on from other people I would have wondered why he didn’t tell me.

I am off out now but will come back later and update - I hate it when others leave threads with no update.

Doesn't matter what you were wearing, he still has no right to take your picture or comment on your clothes/age/looks/weight/hair/shoes/eyes/ears/mouth/nose/head/shoulders/knees/toes!

QueenBitch666 · 03/12/2023 17:07

I'd certainly report the scrofulous cretin 💯

NoChristmasBugs · 03/12/2023 17:25

Viviennemary · 03/12/2023 11:57

No I don't think he should have taken the photograph. But it would be mean and nasty to report him to his employers IMHO. It's a disproportionate reaction to a silly not very kind prank.

Fuck no, maybe you’re his wife or friend and you’ve been sent this as well and panicking for him?
It is not a prank. Why the actual fuck would you send a photo thats husband and make terrible remarks about his wife? Just why. It’s his own fault that he has done this. This is stuff he thinks is acceptable for public knowledge.

OP report away. Get your husband to write down what the message said.

whowhatwerewhy · 03/12/2023 17:45

I couldn't get worked up over this . Probably because my DH would have sorted it out himself. Told his workmate in no uncertain terms it was not a joke and taken it to HR .

Countdown2023 · 03/12/2023 17:52

It was not a prank. He is a nasty bully. Report him.

LaurieStrode · 03/12/2023 18:52

sugarandsweetener · 03/12/2023 15:51

Maybe the dh was trying to shine a light on the workplace bullying he is experiencing.

@Yalta by doing bugger all as far as i can tell beyond “not bothered” if the OP pursues

Yes!

He could have spared her feelings instead of running to mummy and dumping it into her lap to deal with.

ToWhitToWhoo · 03/12/2023 19:52

But maybe OP needs to know so that she is prepared for any further problems. If (godforbid) the creep escalates to personally harassing her, or publicly ridicules her on social media, she would have every right to be angry with her partner for concealing the message to him.

Conkersinautumn · 03/12/2023 20:53

It's not silly it's full on creepy, hea taken a picture having ..... recognised a dog? I think it's pretty bloody weird, who recognises a dog? How does this guy KNOW this is his colleagues wife. All very dam strange.

WhenLoveIsDone · 03/12/2023 20:57

Conkersinautumn · 03/12/2023 20:53

It's not silly it's full on creepy, hea taken a picture having ..... recognised a dog? I think it's pretty bloody weird, who recognises a dog? How does this guy KNOW this is his colleagues wife. All very dam strange.

Of course people recognise dogs.

OTOH I seldom recognise an owner sans dog even if I talk to them on a daily basis.

Original poster
Annoyedofnorfolk · 03/12/2023 21:21

Conkersinautumn · 03/12/2023 20:53

It's not silly it's full on creepy, hea taken a picture having ..... recognised a dog? I think it's pretty bloody weird, who recognises a dog? How does this guy KNOW this is his colleagues wife. All very dam strange.

He has met the dog via my partner, the dog is all over my partner’s social media - he knows where we live so recognised the dog - it’s a distinctive looking dog and an unusual breed for this area.

OP posts:
Original poster
Annoyedofnorfolk · 03/12/2023 21:25

Mikimoto · 03/12/2023 13:47

If she goes round in hoodies and glasses, she might not be, but that's not really the point.

Show quote history

Oh my god 😂
Please can somebody tell me what is the most appropriate dog walking wear - you know - in case some creepy perv is going to take a photo - I must remember to straighten my hair, get my contact lenses in, have a full face of make up, false eyelashes, do my nails, wear a going out outfit, or failing that business wear and stilettos next time the dog wants a poo and wee 😂

OP posts:
Birch101 · 03/12/2023 21:27

So I would report it to his company in terms of being on company times and his behaviour/language etc

You said he was on a building site so private land? ...

There is no law preventing people from taking photographs in public. This includes taking photos of other people's children. If you are taking photographs from private land, you need to have the land owner's permission.

Original poster
Annoyedofnorfolk · 03/12/2023 21:39

We had a chat, bearing in mind comments on here twisting it to accuse my partner of all sorts, even labelling it as “running to mummy” wow…….. when me and my partner have actually done nothing wrong.

I asked:
Did you respond - no ignored it.
Do you have banter along those lines - no, never, would never do this to his wife/kids.
Why would he send it - what would he expect you’d say - no idea, may have sent it to all contacts and I was included.
Why did you tell me - was playing on my mind and making me feel upset, and worried he will do the same to our teenage daughter when she’s out with the dog. Didn’t know what to do so blurted it out as felt he was being disloyal to me knowing about the message and hadn’t told me, it made him feel he was colluding with the colleague against me.
Wish you hadn’t told me - didn’t know what to do. Felt like punching his lights out.

I am going to send a formal succinct professional email tomorrow to the company. When partner says he’s not bothered he means he doesn’t care what people at work think if I complain and photo creep spreads it around. He says if he says anything he will just say “oh but it was a joke”.
He’s not sure what he will do - he doesn’t perceive it as bullying. Said 99% of blokes he works with would think that message was out of order. He says the company will take it seriously as they are a professional company. He says there is a social media policy and a code of conduct.

I was concerned I was over reacting but from most of the comments on here can see I wasn’t. Maybe if he had apologised instead of doubling down I wouldn’t be doing anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Annoyedofnorfolk · 03/12/2023 21:49

@CaroleSinger

What harm have you suffered as a result of the picture being published? Any financial loss or provable emotional distress?

what harm? Really? Do you mean humiliation, embarrassment, distress, upset, tears, changing the route I walk my dog, the impact on me and my partner, my self esteem being chipped away, feeling that I can’t walk around my neighbourhood without being denigrated, as another poster said - those words will be in my head for months to come - I don’t even know this man, I’ve never even spoken to him - yet he feels he can say such hateful things about me - that harm do you mean?

OP posts:
MelsMoneyTree · 03/12/2023 22:41

OP it's good this isn't part of company culture. Hopefully formally complaining will be helpful. However if you're changing your route and feeling very upset about this, it might also be worth having a chat with a counsellor. It was horrible and intrusive and they can help you find healthy coping mechanisms. Flowers

billy1966 · 03/12/2023 22:51

I am so pleased you will be reporting him.

He is just the type that thinks they can harass young women too.

It says so much about posters that they think this type of behaviour is banter.

He is scum.
Only scum behave like this.
Neither you nor your partner have to accept being harassed in your home and neighbourhood whilst not at work.

Any half decent company would be absolutely appalled.

I think you absolutely should report it to 101, as this man needs naming.
I cannot believe this is in isolation.

Staff of a company, on company time are harassing the OP via her partner employed there.

I can imagine any half competent solicitor wouldn't have any difficulty sending a really shitty letter querying his actions, on company time, on company property to another staff member about a private member of the public?

What company would want their name associated with such abusive misogynistic behaviour?

Any solicitor worth their salt could embarrass the hell out a company with making a complaint and demanding action, and leaking it to a local paper.

Local journalists love stories like this, particularly when a large company is involved.

Knowing a man is being paid by a company to work and is spending his time photographing local woman and harassing their partners via SM is chilling.

I really hope you stress how unsafe this man has made you feel and how worried you are he will target your daughter too as she walks the dog.

Even more reason to involve the police.

I think you might be surprised at how seriously the police will take this.

Pinkpinkpink15 · 03/12/2023 22:55

Outliers · 03/12/2023 09:45

Threatening his livelihood (I.e. job security) in this current climate seems like a disproportionate escalation.

@Outliers

i think what you mean is him jeopardising his employment by acting like a complete cunt seems like a stupid thing to do in this climate.

@BubbleBubbleBubbleBubblePop

hes a cunt. Report him (your DO sounds behind you doing that). I expect this is not the only way this duck lets the company down.

try not to let it get you down or put you off walking the dog in whatever that's warm & comfortable!

I see several regulars walking their dogs in my way to work, in summer I'm envious, this time of year I'm smug! I could pick all the dogs out if a line up. I could barely tell you if the owners are wearing fists or not, let alone what they're else or their weight!

be proud if yourself for looking after your Dog instead of pulling up the duvet & skipping their walk

Fionaville · 03/12/2023 22:56

What kind of man would do such a thing?! Absolutely horrific.
I wouldn't need to contact the employer because my husband would have well sorted him out!
He needs a serious lesson. Don't let him get away with it!!

DissidentDaughter · 03/12/2023 23:07

Thanks for the update, OP.
Solidarity with you and your family. Take care x

FourteenTog · 03/12/2023 23:18

@billy1966 spot on

SharSharBinks · 03/12/2023 23:23

I can't believe people are saying to report to the police.

Fair enough to report to the company but the police are already overstretched, especially at this time of year. Didn't even get contact from them when my brand new car was nicked, despite having CCTV footage.

A colleague had somebody try and climb in her window (they didn't realise she was in as lights were out) and despite them leaving the ladder police wouldn't visit or take fingerprints as they only send the fingerprint team if blood has been spilled.

This may be a nasty joke but it's not worthy of wasting police time IMO.

billy1966 · 03/12/2023 23:55

My friend was collecting her daughter and friends from school a few years ago and heard and saw whistling from a nearby site as she was parked waiting.

Nothing aggressive and the girls weren't the least bit bothered, but she was very pissed off.

She rang the school, the company and the police. It was taken very very seriously by all 3.
The school said they too would report it.
The company apologised profusely and said it would be dealt with.
The police were very receptive and said they would call to the site.

She never saw anything again.

I have daughters and I wouldn't think twice about contacting the police if I witnessed, or they told me about similar behaviour.

This is what the police are for.
Women are under no obligation to tolerate this bullshit and the more it is challenged the greater the hope that future generations of women won't endure it.

I would think this type of report with the name, company and proof of his behaviour is just the sort of thing the police are interested in.

He's a creep.
This type of behaviour is rarely in isolation.

LaurieStrode · 04/12/2023 00:00

Annoyedofnorfolk · 03/12/2023 21:49

@CaroleSinger

What harm have you suffered as a result of the picture being published? Any financial loss or provable emotional distress?

what harm? Really? Do you mean humiliation, embarrassment, distress, upset, tears, changing the route I walk my dog, the impact on me and my partner, my self esteem being chipped away, feeling that I can’t walk around my neighbourhood without being denigrated, as another poster said - those words will be in my head for months to come - I don’t even know this man, I’ve never even spoken to him - yet he feels he can say such hateful things about me - that harm do you mean?

Edited

Absolutely none of which would have occurred if your husband had dealt with it between himself and the employer instead of involving you.

StuartSheehyisBack · 04/12/2023 00:05

@LaurieStrode and then if the employee had upped the ante as H was worried about, and started taking pictures of the OP's daughter? How can they protect the daughter from this weirdo if H had kept it to himself?

LaurieStrode · 04/12/2023 00:12

StuartSheehyisBack · 04/12/2023 00:05

@LaurieStrode and then if the employee had upped the ante as H was worried about, and started taking pictures of the OP's daughter? How can they protect the daughter from this weirdo if H had kept it to himself?

He protects his family from ridicule by asking his management to reassign and discipline the creep, not by running home saying "oi my mate posted that you are unattractive!" to his wife.

I can't believe he dumped this in her lap rather than shielding her from it.

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