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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be angry about photo of me taking without my consent

647 replies

Annoyedofnorfolk · 03/12/2023 09:38

Last week I was walking our dog, it was first thing in the morning and admittedly I wasn't looking my best - just pulled a hoody on!

Unbeknownst to me, somebody who works with my partner took a photo of me whilst he was on a building site and sent it to my partner on social media (and perhaps also sent to others) with a very nasty comment about my appearance and weight. I have never met this man, and he doesn't know anything about me or what is going on in my life right now - I can only presume he recognised our dog. My partner told me about the picture.

I have been so angry about this, my partner is also very angry and has said something - the person who has taken the photo has doubled down said "it was only a joke and basically get over yourself". To be honest I have little time for people who resort to saying "it was a joke" when their nastiness is called out.

I want to email the company he works for - he did this on the company clock, from a company vehicle - he may be my partner's workmate, but I am also a member of the public, and as such I have a right to privacy and should be able to take my dog for a walk without being photographed and made fun of, he has invaded my privacy - it will impact on me, as I will be reluctant to walk that way again. My partner says he won't be bothered if I do, and it will be taken seriously as it is a reputable company, but I'm not sure if that is over reacting. Would be unreasonable to do this, or should I just forget it as the bloke is clearly a childish misogynistic arsehole.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
FourteenTog · 03/12/2023 13:42

@LaurieStrode right, photo creep blurted out a hurtful thing about a couple, couple discussed it, creep ought to have a disciplinary, if he loses his job it could be a wake up call and is no fault of anyone but himself. DFOD.

theDudesmummy · 03/12/2023 13:45

This is not a privacy issue, it's a harassment issue. The discussions of privacy law are red herrings.

Mikimoto · 03/12/2023 13:47

porridgeisbae · 03/12/2023 13:35

Thinking about it I wonder why the bloke thought it was OK to say this to OP's partner. Maybe her partner has already said to him that she's 'not a looker' or something so the bloke thought he wouldn't have a problem with it.

If she goes round in hoodies and glasses, she might not be, but that's not really the point.

DissidentDaughter · 03/12/2023 13:48

Beyond bonkers, the replies minimising the very specific, targeted SnapChat post or deflecting prime accountability for the OP’s distress to her partner (who was being pre-emptive/protective, in case the post had been shared wider).

The facts - ie the worker’s behaviour/attitude - are the central issue. Non-negotiable and, quite rightly, flagged as a concern. It’s 2023 not 1953.

Baublewarble · 03/12/2023 13:49

You partner needs to report him for bullying. It’s not illegal to take a photo of someone in a public space but it is illegal to bully a co worker

pickledandpuzzled · 03/12/2023 13:49

Roadworkers catcalled a couple of teenagers near me. (One of their colleagues checked the girls were ok and apologised.) The company was told and the guys were let go.

It just isn’t acceptable.

Baublewarble · 03/12/2023 13:50

If she goes round in hoodies and glasses, she might not be, but that's not really the point.

oof thought I’d slipped back decades for a minute. People that wear glasses - and jumpers - aren’t attractive?

BlueMongoose · 03/12/2023 13:51

porridgeisbae · 03/12/2023 13:38

maybe he doesn't infantilise his wife but discusses things with her as a respected partner

It's not a matter of infantalising her but considering her feelings/mental health. I bet if someone had said to most of us here that our partner was hideous, most of us wouldn't pass it on to our partner because we wouldn't want them to be hurt.

In our relationship we don't lie, cover things up, or deceive each other. It seems to have worked pretty well for over 30 years. As a result, we both know we can trust each other completely. Which, let me tell you, is actually a darned good thing if you have a MH problem like I do.....

In a matter like this, I'd expect my DH to tell me. Carefully and supportively, yes, but tell me all the same.
Then we'd work out what to do - together.

Just suppose he hadn't told her and then someone else had told her, quite possibly not very thoughtfully, or assumed she knew and referred to it, and then her DH had had to say, 'oh yes, I knew but decided not to tell you' or worse, lied and said he didn't know and then she found out he did. That'd work wonders for their mutual trust.....

SomersetDreams · 03/12/2023 13:53

use CEO Email website and go right to the top. Not acceptable at all

SharSharBinks · 03/12/2023 13:55

I don't think you legally have a right to privacy in public areas in terms of having your photo taken (may be wrong but don't think I am) but 100% this is poor conduct at work and most companies would see it as such.

theDudesmummy · 03/12/2023 13:55

@Mikimoto ODFOD

HappyOlz · 03/12/2023 14:00

He threatened his own livelihood, he should have thought about his actions before carrying them out. He had an out also to apologise, but has chosen to double down and say that it was a “joke”. As far as I can remember, a joke was supposed to be funny for both sides.

LaurieStrode · 03/12/2023 14:01

DissidentDaughter · 03/12/2023 13:48

Beyond bonkers, the replies minimising the very specific, targeted SnapChat post or deflecting prime accountability for the OP’s distress to her partner (who was being pre-emptive/protective, in case the post had been shared wider).

The facts - ie the worker’s behaviour/attitude - are the central issue. Non-negotiable and, quite rightly, flagged as a concern. It’s 2023 not 1953.

No one is saying that the perpetrator shouldn't be held to account. He's an asshole.

But it could have been handled without the OP being confronted with the notion that people find her ill-dressed and overweight. Declining to share that is hardly "infantilising" her.

These mind-meld relationships where members of a couple aren't allowed to have individual/independent thoughts and experiences sound like a nightmare. If anyone tells my SO they find me fat and ugly, I hope he doesn't "share" in the interests of "transparency."

SharSharBinks · 03/12/2023 14:03

It defo does sound like it was meant as a joke tbf, given the fact he sent it to your partner. But that doesn't mean he didn't go too far.

Was it sort of like if somebody had sent a picture of my partner coming out of Greggs with the caption 'some right fat knackers out today!' or did he use offensive/sexual language too?

Allfur · 03/12/2023 14:08

Sends some pics of him to his wife

Cherrysoup · 03/12/2023 14:14

I can’t believe how many people are saying the O0 shouldn’t contact the company/it risks his job/it’s an overreaction. No bloody wonder misogyny is still so rife. Utterly depressing. Maybe the idiot shouldn’t have taken a photo of a stranger and made derogatory comments whilst working? Arsehole.

Deathraystare · 03/12/2023 14:14

Normally I am one of those women who don't rely on compliments from men. I don't wet my nickers over iHowever he was being totally misogynistic and a total shit bag. He nèds his balls stamped on!6

MySugarBabyLove · 03/12/2023 14:21

So let’s get this straight. Creepy photo bloke takes a picture of the OP, sends it to her partner, who he works with at the same company, with some derogatory comments about how she looks. And instead of going to HR and making a complaint about this bloke, the partner tells the person the comments are about that someone has sent him pictures slagging her off and he wouldn’t blame her if she complained.

Why?

Even if they ever had this discussion in the aftermath, why is the partner passing the responsibility for this on to the OP?

Let’s be honest here, if the OP complains, what HR are going to think is that this bloke and OP’s partner are sharing pictures and derogatory comments about her on company time.

By her reporting, she is inadvertently implicating her partner, which IMO makes it less likely that she would report.

But if he reports it, then he is showing that he is being harassed by this bloke as well as his family.

What’s his agenda here?

Unlike some on here, I’m not convinced that the partner is a lovely bloke. If he was he’d have made it very clear to the bloke in question what he thought of him and his comments, and would then have gone to HR. Instead he’s run straight to the OP with the upsetting comments and put the onus on her to do something about it. Those are not the actions of a lovely bloke. *

I suspect this bloke and the partner have had some discussions about this prior. I don’t think he’s an innocent part in all this at all.

SharSharBinks · 03/12/2023 14:24

Having worked with a lot of tradies and builders I'd guess it was intended as a joke of the type that many men wouldn't be offended by. I'm honestly not sure I'd have shown you were I your husband and would've had a word with the bloke in question were I offended.

I say this because I hear a lot of' banter' that would 100% not be acceptable in most professional/office environments but doesn't bat an eyelid between builders.

Like, I remember a tubby contractor that would regularly come to plant and the manager would point at his gut and say "kin 'ell, it's got even bigger" and he'd say "fuck off you four eyed twat, you're ugly without a belly". Everybody would laugh and no hard feelings were involved. Quite the opposite. They bonded over pisstaking and winding each other up.

But make no mistake, the exact same comments could have been considered a serious transgression in many professional environments and absolutely seen people losing their jobs if either party were offended. The key part is that neither were.

I don't say the above to dismiss/minimise the situation as obv the OP is unhappy with the comments but were I the husband and thought the guy was just joking I'd have probs not said anything to her or I'd have told the guy to fuck off if I was offended. Obv if it was on Facebook as a public post or if I thought the guy was being spiteful that would be a completely different matter.

Lookingatthesunset · 03/12/2023 14:25

Viviennemary · 03/12/2023 11:57

No I don't think he should have taken the photograph. But it would be mean and nasty to report him to his employers IMHO. It's a disproportionate reaction to a silly not very kind prank.

You are totally wrong in your thinking here. This was no prank.

What kind of a vile piece of work is this that the thought even occurred to him to take a photo and send it with a nasty comment??? That's sick.

Not the OP's problem if he gets sacked for this kind of behaviour. I doubt he will though. At the very least, I would want him moved. The OP should not have to tolerate that toerag watched her go about her business.

What is the matter with you - defending the indefensible?!!

oakleaffy · 03/12/2023 14:25

DEFINITELY report@Annoyedofnorfolk
What a sly little shit to have taken that pic and sent it with a nasty comment.
I don’t use Snapchat but is there no way to take an immediate screenshot?

Maybe this was why the creep did it.

It was also a way of bullying your husband.

Who would stoop so low?

Who would even think to take pics of people and send them to others like that?

He sounds a nasty little shit.

Definitely report his bullying actions.

Lookingatthesunset · 03/12/2023 14:28

MySugarBabyLove · 03/12/2023 14:21

So let’s get this straight. Creepy photo bloke takes a picture of the OP, sends it to her partner, who he works with at the same company, with some derogatory comments about how she looks. And instead of going to HR and making a complaint about this bloke, the partner tells the person the comments are about that someone has sent him pictures slagging her off and he wouldn’t blame her if she complained.

Why?

Even if they ever had this discussion in the aftermath, why is the partner passing the responsibility for this on to the OP?

Let’s be honest here, if the OP complains, what HR are going to think is that this bloke and OP’s partner are sharing pictures and derogatory comments about her on company time.

By her reporting, she is inadvertently implicating her partner, which IMO makes it less likely that she would report.

But if he reports it, then he is showing that he is being harassed by this bloke as well as his family.

What’s his agenda here?

Unlike some on here, I’m not convinced that the partner is a lovely bloke. If he was he’d have made it very clear to the bloke in question what he thought of him and his comments, and would then have gone to HR. Instead he’s run straight to the OP with the upsetting comments and put the onus on her to do something about it. Those are not the actions of a lovely bloke. *

I suspect this bloke and the partner have had some discussions about this prior. I don’t think he’s an innocent part in all this at all.

Maybe he thought honesty was the best policy?

LittleMissUnreasonable · 03/12/2023 14:29

I'm surprised that
A. This misogynistic behaviour still exists in 2023. Cat calling/ fat shaming seems very 2006
B. The bloke had the brass balls to send it to your partner!

Do they have a group Snapchat he accidentally sent it to, seems really bizarre behaviour that he thought your partner would have found that funny. I'd 100% report, men like this think they're untouchable

DissidentDaughter · 03/12/2023 14:30

LaurieStrode · 03/12/2023 14:01

No one is saying that the perpetrator shouldn't be held to account. He's an asshole.

But it could have been handled without the OP being confronted with the notion that people find her ill-dressed and overweight. Declining to share that is hardly "infantilising" her.

These mind-meld relationships where members of a couple aren't allowed to have individual/independent thoughts and experiences sound like a nightmare. If anyone tells my SO they find me fat and ugly, I hope he doesn't "share" in the interests of "transparency."

Show quote history

Think you may be replying to someone else’s comment re ‘infantilising’ and couples insisting on sharing every thought etc with each other. I’m all for healthy autonomy - a close relationship is not like being on tag.

But I do think there’s a difference between a passing, verbal comment between workers and a concrete photo/with text with a digital footprint. I imagine that was a conundrum for the OP’s partner.

RedRedScab · 03/12/2023 14:30

How horrible. Definitely report, but also I'd be questioning why he thought it was ok to send it to your DP at all. Sorry to ask this but could it have been part of ongoing (disgusting misogynistic) 'banter'.