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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be angry about photo of me taking without my consent

647 replies

Annoyedofnorfolk · 03/12/2023 09:38

Last week I was walking our dog, it was first thing in the morning and admittedly I wasn't looking my best - just pulled a hoody on!

Unbeknownst to me, somebody who works with my partner took a photo of me whilst he was on a building site and sent it to my partner on social media (and perhaps also sent to others) with a very nasty comment about my appearance and weight. I have never met this man, and he doesn't know anything about me or what is going on in my life right now - I can only presume he recognised our dog. My partner told me about the picture.

I have been so angry about this, my partner is also very angry and has said something - the person who has taken the photo has doubled down said "it was only a joke and basically get over yourself". To be honest I have little time for people who resort to saying "it was a joke" when their nastiness is called out.

I want to email the company he works for - he did this on the company clock, from a company vehicle - he may be my partner's workmate, but I am also a member of the public, and as such I have a right to privacy and should be able to take my dog for a walk without being photographed and made fun of, he has invaded my privacy - it will impact on me, as I will be reluctant to walk that way again. My partner says he won't be bothered if I do, and it will be taken seriously as it is a reputable company, but I'm not sure if that is over reacting. Would be unreasonable to do this, or should I just forget it as the bloke is clearly a childish misogynistic arsehole.

OP posts:
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FourteenTog · 03/12/2023 13:22

ILookLikeAPinkBlancmange · 03/12/2023 12:46

If everyone who did something stupid and unkind lost their job over it, the world would grind to a standstill. I think you should take no action, other than making your opinion clear.

Otoh if there were paper trails around creepy men who abuse their workplace privilege, it would be easier to stop misogynist crime.

Maray1967 · 03/12/2023 13:23

sugarandsweetener · 03/12/2023 09:41

or should I just forget it as the bloke is clearly a childish misogynistic arsehole.

but surely this is precisely why you should take action?

Exactly. I would certainly report him to his company. He deserves it.

IVFlife · 03/12/2023 13:26

What an absolute shit.

ToWhitToWhoo · 03/12/2023 13:26

Vile behaviour! Taking the photo and sending it to friends who didn't know you would be nasty but not worth reporting IMO, even if you found out. Sending it to your partner, however, is PARTICULARLY disgusting, and could even be seen as a desire to disrupt your relationship, and, yes, I think, needs reporting.

FourteenTog · 03/12/2023 13:26

@LaurieStrode are you the colleague's wife?! Why a personal attack on the OP's husband? It sounds like a strong marriage, where what is done to or said about one is transparent to both. And where the husband talks about his working conditions.

SgtBilko · 03/12/2023 13:28

theDudesmummy · 03/12/2023 12:04

What you looked like is completely irrelevant and none of his business, unless you were outraging public decency. He is harassing a colleague and a colleague's family member and that will be taken seriously by any decent company.

Can't believe all the people on here defending the arsehole. My DH would probably have knocked him out had this happened when we were younger. Now, more likely to threaten legal action!

I agree.

What a horrible, intrusive, misogynistic thing to do. I would definitely report to his company. No decent business would want their staff behaving in that way to either a work colleague or their colleague’s wife.

FourteenTog · 03/12/2023 13:30

porridgeisbae · 03/12/2023 13:19

Well, you can't keep your thoughts to yourself and are giving us the benefit of them so obviously you're a weakling as well.

It's a discussion forum, all we're doing is discussing.

Anything constructive to add apart from berating the OP for what her partner did?

No one is berating OP for what her partner did, we think he should not have done that to her. Either he's an absolute wimp or he's embarrassed and trying to control OP's clothes etc himself by sharing it, or both. Either way, he wasn't considering the impact on her of him sharing it with her.

@porridgeisbae maybe he doesn't infantilise his wife but discusses things with her as a respected partner. Is this some strong man, little woman, true chivalry surrendered nonsense coming back to oppress us.

LaurieStrode · 03/12/2023 13:31

porridgeisbae · 03/12/2023 13:19

Well, you can't keep your thoughts to yourself and are giving us the benefit of them so obviously you're a weakling as well.

It's a discussion forum, all we're doing is discussing.

Anything constructive to add apart from berating the OP for what her partner did?

No one is berating OP for what her partner did, we think he should not have done that to her. Either he's an absolute wimp or he's embarrassed and trying to control OP's clothes etc himself by sharing it, or both. Either way, he wasn't considering the impact on her of him sharing it with her.

Exactly, @porridgeisbae

The colleague is an asshole who should be disciplined for on the job behaviour.

But the husband is very wrong for sharing it. What did he hope to accomplish? Such poor judgment and poor boundaries.

LaurieStrode · 03/12/2023 13:33

"what is done to or said about one is transparent to both."

This is teenage thinking. Most adults understand discretion.

"Oi my mate says you look like a fat slob! I must share this in the interests of transparency!" 🙄🙄🙄

Tooshytoshine · 03/12/2023 13:34

If I did this at work, I would get into trouble.

I would not do it in work or outside of work as I am not a misogynist arsehole.

You gave him a chance to respond to you and apologise. He didn't even show you the respect of a reply and contacted your husband to tell him to control his woman.

Report him.

FourteenTog · 03/12/2023 13:34

@LaurieStrode @porridgeisbae are you the same person talking to yourself? Poor boundaries: an example would be a man hiding what's on his mind from his wife. Assuming the wife is of sound mind and not a minor.

Allfur · 03/12/2023 13:34

I wish more men like him lost their jobs

Drttc · 03/12/2023 13:34

You need to complain to the company - it will most likely spare potential future victims, as he will think twice before treating the next person this way!

FourteenTog · 03/12/2023 13:35

LaurieStrode · 03/12/2023 13:33

"what is done to or said about one is transparent to both."

This is teenage thinking. Most adults understand discretion.

"Oi my mate says you look like a fat slob! I must share this in the interests of transparency!" 🙄🙄🙄

I'm probably older than you. And I'm afraid that's religious thinking in my tradition.

porridgeisbae · 03/12/2023 13:35

Thinking about it I wonder why the bloke thought it was OK to say this to OP's partner. Maybe her partner has already said to him that she's 'not a looker' or something so the bloke thought he wouldn't have a problem with it.

theDudesmummy · 03/12/2023 13:38

@CaroleSinger Read the OP. It wasn't just "taking a picture". As has been said many times already.

Your story about a horse is relevant how? Did you harass the horse afterwards with misogynistic shit?

He's threatened his own livelihood by being a misogynistic prick.

FourteenTog · 03/12/2023 13:38

@porridgeisbae what you wrote is called 'fiction' or 'sowing division'. What photo creep did is called 'bullying'. What you and your sockpuppet are doing is called 'derailing'.

porridgeisbae · 03/12/2023 13:38

maybe he doesn't infantilise his wife but discusses things with her as a respected partner

It's not a matter of infantalising her but considering her feelings/mental health. I bet if someone had said to most of us here that our partner was hideous, most of us wouldn't pass it on to our partner because we wouldn't want them to be hurt.

coffeeaddict77 · 03/12/2023 13:38

LaurieStrode · 03/12/2023 13:31

Exactly, @porridgeisbae

The colleague is an asshole who should be disciplined for on the job behaviour.

But the husband is very wrong for sharing it. What did he hope to accomplish? Such poor judgment and poor boundaries.

Show quote history

Perhaps he hoped that OP would complain and the colleague would be disciplined.

LaurieStrode · 03/12/2023 13:39

FourteenTog · 03/12/2023 13:34

@LaurieStrode @porridgeisbae are you the same person talking to yourself? Poor boundaries: an example would be a man hiding what's on his mind from his wife. Assuming the wife is of sound mind and not a minor.

Blurting out hurtful things is always wrong. Marriage doesn't change that.

I wonder about the husband's real agenda here.

theDudesmummy · 03/12/2023 13:40

Yeah, this is the husband's fault, right.

Derb · 03/12/2023 13:41

Outliers · 03/12/2023 09:45

Threatening his livelihood (I.e. job security) in this current climate seems like a disproportionate escalation.

I think this too. Would the OP be happy if he lost his job. Yes he's a twat and deserves back lash but I feel that would be too extreme.

FourteenTog · 03/12/2023 13:41

@porridgeisbae are you married? Do you work outside the home? Do you generally believe women prefer to be thought crazy and fragile? Have you had lunch??? There are issues around professionalism and trust here. Photo creep may be working on a team with female or junior staff at some point,maybe even mentoring or training or recruiting. What should couples talk about? The weather, if the sun is shining?

LaurieStrode · 03/12/2023 13:41

@coffeeaddict77

Come on! That's truly grasping at straws.

He could complain to his management without OP ever knowing about this situation. Instead he goes running to her with it? Why?

BlueMongoose · 03/12/2023 13:42

Zebrasinpyjamas · 03/12/2023 09:42

Its horrid vindictive behaviour to take the photo.

However if you were in a public place , I don't think legally you have had a breach of privacy. I think there is a good chance the employer won't do much and you will have a greater sense of anger if they gloat to you about getting away with it.

There is no right to privacy for you if you're in a public place (it's where you are that counts).

To OP, in this case, I think anyone whose opinion is worth caring about will be judging him adversely on his post, and not you. Just be careful, you don't want to make yourself a focus of his attention, as he's clearly not a nice person. I'm thinking here of your best interests, not him. If one of his colleagues reported him (not your spouse) it might get him called to account without involving you directly.

However, if he did anything further, anything at all, I'd be considering informing not just his employer, but also the police. I wonder if you might be in a better or a worse position to do that if you hadn't already contacted his employer first? I don't know- perhaps someone here with knowledge of police procedure could advise?

Exception: the OP doesn't say what the text of the message was, though. If it was in any way threatening, though, it's a police matter straight away.

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