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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Offering refreshments to guests

232 replies

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 03/12/2023 09:31

Based off of couple of other threads, who doesn't offer refreshments to guests on arrival?

I'd find it very odd to arrive somewhere and not be instantly offered tea or coffee, likewise, I would never not offer it on arrival and throughout the visit. I'd also put a few biscuits/cake/nuts/crisps or whatever on the table.

Going by other responses on here, there are people that wouldn't offer tea or coffee, and certainly not nibbles. So I wondered why? If you are one of these people, why don't you offer?

Yabu: No one needs refreshments, if you do, stop at a coffee shop before arriving at my house.

Yanbu: It's normal to offer tea and coffee, and EVEN snacks and nibbles.

OP posts:
lkwhjis · 04/12/2023 07:39

JoeLovesGina · 03/12/2023 18:59

I suspect those people not offering refreshments are the same people who make you take your shoes off in the porch, rude fuckers. [dons hard hat and runs]

Quite the opposite. People who take pride in cleanliness and not having dog shit on their clean floors probably also make more of an effort with guests. It’s the ‘I don’t care because I don’t lick my floor’ crowd, that usually don’t care much about hospitality in general.

financialcareerstuff · 04/12/2023 07:40

Again, that has nothing to do with asking people if they want a cup of tea (or coffee or cold drink) when they arrive.

OP, you asked about snack offering habits too. And the thread has been repeatedly dissing one poster's brave mention of the fact that offering this crap isn't necessarily always nice for people. I explained why this might be.

I'm not sure why you are policing your thread by being dismissive of anybody sharing thoughts on the topic you raised, that don't simply repeat what you yourself said. Maybe try being open to alternative perspectives rather than slap someone down who is being honest about the challenges they have?

madaboutmad · 04/12/2023 07:49

financialcareerstuff · 04/12/2023 07:17

Surely the hosts would know I struggle with eating? Nope. I'm about two stone overweight, like a million other people in the country and I don't share my internal process with people unless they are an intimate friend.

Compulsive eating, or being heavier than is healthy and trying to lose weight and battle with will power, or some other eating disregularity is incredibly common. If you are hosting more than 3-4 people, it's highly likely some of them are in that situation. (As will a good portion of the workmen who visit, who are often brought this sugary crap unsolicited, 10 times a day as they visit every house). Also, people who yo-yo get embarrassed saying that they are 'on a diet again' because they have said so before, and it all came to nothing. There is a lot of shame.

None of which is the host's problem, until they repeatedly push damaging, unhealthy food on you, making it very hard to say no, as if they are being wonderful hostesses, when actually they are just not listening to what you tell them you actually want.

I repeat, not a problem to be casually offered something once. But a lot of people out there are 'feeders', and getting people to eat their stuff is actually part of their self image as being a good baker/ a good hostess....

It's similar to the culture of nagging people to 'go on, just have one pint... or what's the harm in one more'.

Well you are one of the people that shouldn’t just drop in unannounced then. Problem solved.
Honestly etiquette can’t cover every Whataboutery

Sceptre86 · 04/12/2023 07:54

I'd offer juice or tea with biscuits. I don't tend to keep cake in unless I know someone is coming over and I don't bake that much anymore. I would usually put out some bombay mix depending on who comes over. If it's a longer visit then I'd pull out some spring rolls, samosas or pastries from the freezer

LolaSmiles · 04/12/2023 08:00

I repeat, not a problem to be casually offered something once. But a lot of people out there are 'feeders', and getting people to eat their stuff is actually part of their self image as being a good baker/ a good hostess....

The recent threads on here about drinks, snacks and food would certainly suggest this.

There's been loads of posts that give off feeder vibes, and it's all about the host performing. Eg I always have enough food into whip up some lunch when someone is visiting, and I always have cake and a fully stocked pantry with a range of snacks. I'd be mortified if anyone came to my house and I wasn't able to throw a spread together in the middle of the day between mealtimes. It's ghastly hosting and poor manners to not have a range of snacks and nibbles and lunch options at all times.

Meanwhile most people are more than happy to put the kettle on and if they've got biscuits, they'll offer them round.

Behindyouiam · 04/12/2023 08:00

OhmygodDont · 03/12/2023 11:17

I never offer anyone drinks. Mainly because it doesn’t cross my mind because I don’t drink tea or coffee I mean it’s in the house as dh drinks it but it’s basically not even in my radar.

If someone asks me for one I’ll make it but unless it’s a hot hot day for say cold canned pop, drinks don’t even cross my mind as I just sip water periodically as I pass the fridge.

Clearly I’m a terrible host 😂 but I don’t actually want people in my home anyway so win win I guess.

I think the last paragraph is true, the other "I just don't think" not so true.

It'll be obvious to your guests, if any bother.

Behindyouiam · 04/12/2023 08:02

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 03/12/2023 11:26

I dont drink hot drinks, so no i wouldn't think to automatically offer a drink as i tend to only have a drink with meals/food, and thrn its just water. If we're just sat in the lounge chatting or whatever why do people need drinks? If people pop in unannounced i probably don't actually have anything apart from water for them to have anyway 🤷🏼‍♀️

Why do people need drinks if they're just chatting...ask Costa Coffee, they seem to have made fortune out of that concept.

financialcareerstuff · 04/12/2023 08:10

Well you are one of the people that shouldn’t just drop in unannounced then. Problem solved.
Honestly etiquette can’t cover every Whataboutery

I never drop in unannounced. And frankly that is less of a problem. The problem is more when it is arranged, and despite saying in advance that truly you don't need or want anything, there's a great bloody spread that's been prepared, and you're told "oh I know you said you didn't want anything, but I made my xxx specially.... I know you'll love it".

And as I said, it's not some very minority case - tons and tons of people struggle with their eating. And NOBODY's health is helped by the etiquette of serving sugary treats.

I think the etiquette could best be updated to include:

  1. Listen if you ask and are told in advance that someone doesn't want to be fed
  2. Never insist
  3. If you offer, try to have a healthy option

These principles would actually be thoughtful of the people visiting, without anybody who wants cake having to be deprived.

Goneforaride · 04/12/2023 08:10

I always offer tea/coffee to anyone who comes to my house for more than a few minutes; friends who might pop in, trades people doing work on the house etc. I think it's just basic courtesy. I might not go as far as biscuits or nibbles etc (and certainly not nuts - I have a friend who is violently allergic, so steer clear just in case), but certainly a drink.

Anywherebuthere · 04/12/2023 08:13

SwedeCaroline · 03/12/2023 09:49

well, I wouldn't have "a few biscuits/cake/nuts/crisps or whatever " lying around at home, and I wouldn't want them in anyone else's house either.

Its not a very nice thing to do to lay them out in front of anyone who is trying to eat healthily, is it, aren't we beyond all this now?

Not even offer fruit? Or something healthy?

Pottedpalm · 04/12/2023 08:22

SwedeCaroline · 03/12/2023 09:49

well, I wouldn't have "a few biscuits/cake/nuts/crisps or whatever " lying around at home, and I wouldn't want them in anyone else's house either.

Its not a very nice thing to do to lay them out in front of anyone who is trying to eat healthily, is it, aren't we beyond all this now?

Beyond what? It’s just being hospitable. I always offer some time-appropriate food and people are free to say No, thank you. But then my visitors don’t need me to monitor their food intake because they can’t regulate themselves like adults. Children come with their parents so I leave it to the parent to manage them.

BigDahliaFan · 04/12/2023 08:30

ticketstickets · 03/12/2023 10:02

I might put out things like nuts, veg (cherry tomatoes for example), and biscuits. Lots of choice for healthy people.

Cherry tomatoes….?

Nevermind31 · 04/12/2023 08:31

I offer a drink but no food. And I would usually eat before going round someone’s house.
however, I am friends with people from feeding cultures (especially Indian (as in, from India, not third generation British)l, Southern European, South America) and they always put on a feast (that is delicious but I don’t want to eat because I have just eaten), so in those cases I always feel that I need to also put out food…

Pottedpalm · 04/12/2023 08:31

SwedeCaroline · 03/12/2023 15:33

come on, its at least 10 years since it was normal to put out a plate of biscuits and expect guests to eat them!

Lots of abnormal behaviour in my social circles then!

aswarmofmidges · 04/12/2023 08:38

If someone turned up unexpected and unwanted and didn't go straight back home again - then they stared with the being rude and I would not necessarily offer anything - think of it as a hint OP - time to go

familyissues12345 · 04/12/2023 08:45

I'm not very good at offering hot drinks, as I'm not much of a drinker myself Blush, most people who know me well know to just go and pop the kettle on Grin

TheLurpackYears · 04/12/2023 08:57

I always offer, and make myself one. It's very hit and miss amongst my mum friends if anyone wants one. I suspect there is a mix of continence issues and eating disorders. I will offer biscuits or maybe fruit but it's usually a no thanks .

BIossomtoes · 04/12/2023 09:03

Pottedpalm · 04/12/2023 08:31

Lots of abnormal behaviour in my social circles then!

Show quote history

And mine. I rarely touch biscuits but the tin’s always full.

ShirleyPhallus · 04/12/2023 09:13

BigDahliaFan · 04/12/2023 08:30

Cherry tomatoes….?

Show quote history

Premium mumsnet that, would love to read the thread on this from the guest’s perspective 🤣

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 04/12/2023 09:24

lkwhjis · 04/12/2023 07:35

You are not wrong, OP. But this is MN. Most here collapse into a pile of panicked mess if someone rings the doorbell. Shaking, sweating and hiding behind the sofa and shushing the cat like in a slasher movie.

Honestly, why the need to be unkind? Some folk do get anxious and/or don't like being randomly disturbed, and it's not a reason to mock.

KimberleyClark · 04/12/2023 09:27

mynameiscalypso · 03/12/2023 10:01

I find it a bit odd that my in laws only offer drinks at set times. So unless you happen to be there at the arbitrary time they have decided is time to have a cup of tea, you won't get offered one.

I have relatives like that. They are farmers though and stick to set mealtimes and elevenses/teatimes. You will get force fed biscuits/cake if you arrive at the right time though.

I always offer tea or coffee. If the guest is expected I try to have biscuits in though we don’t have them in as a matter of course.

mondaytosunday · 04/12/2023 09:56

Surely it depends on what they are invited for? 'Come for a coffee' or 'come for drinks before dinner'. How else do people word an invite? 'Why don't you drop in at X'? I'd still expect an offer of something, not so much nibbles (I've been guilty of not having those when my friend who regularly comes over for a glass of wine before dinner, but as she always offers me crisps/nuts when I go to hers I've started to).

DrCoconut · 04/12/2023 10:04

Tea and a biscuit is perfectly compatible with healthy eating in a person with no allergies, medical issues etc that prevent them having these things. I'd even include a slice of cake in with that!

Haydenn · 04/12/2023 10:16

I’d always offer and remind people but I can’t think of any guests I have round who also would feel uncomfortable about helping themselves if they wanted something

Original poster
ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 04/12/2023 12:03

DrCoconut · 04/12/2023 10:04

Tea and a biscuit is perfectly compatible with healthy eating in a person with no allergies, medical issues etc that prevent them having these things. I'd even include a slice of cake in with that!

Of course it is. Pretty much everything is in moderation.

If some people can't control themselves, they need to look at themselves, I really don't think the whole etiquette of visiting and polite manners should be changed so no-one is ever offered a biscuit with their tea or a bit of an afternoon tea when visiting people 😂

OP posts: