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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Offering refreshments to guests

232 replies

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 03/12/2023 09:31

Based off of couple of other threads, who doesn't offer refreshments to guests on arrival?

I'd find it very odd to arrive somewhere and not be instantly offered tea or coffee, likewise, I would never not offer it on arrival and throughout the visit. I'd also put a few biscuits/cake/nuts/crisps or whatever on the table.

Going by other responses on here, there are people that wouldn't offer tea or coffee, and certainly not nibbles. So I wondered why? If you are one of these people, why don't you offer?

Yabu: No one needs refreshments, if you do, stop at a coffee shop before arriving at my house.

Yanbu: It's normal to offer tea and coffee, and EVEN snacks and nibbles.

OP posts:
Bbq1 · 03/12/2023 18:39

Thegoldenlion · 03/12/2023 17:20

You must suck all the joy out of Christmas Ebenezer!

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I'm not Ebenezer! Quite the opposite. I was saying how ridiculous the pp is!!

OldTinHat · 03/12/2023 18:43

I offer drinks if I have agreed to have a visitor.

I don't offer if someone turns up unannounced.

I opened the door last year to be pushed aside by someone I vaguely know, saying she wanted to use my loo. She then sat down, asked for a cuppa, I said I have no milk in, so she phoned her DH and asked him to bring some round as 'tinhat is making us tea'. Luckily, her DH turned up and said he didn't have time for tea and they had to get home. Phew!

Original poster
ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 03/12/2023 18:43

Bbq1 · 03/12/2023 18:39

I'm not Ebenezer! Quite the opposite. I was saying how ridiculous the pp is!!

Show quote history

I think that was a quote fail, I think that pp meant swede no-i-wont-have-a-biscuit-thanks caroline.

OP posts:
MrsClatterbuck · 03/12/2023 18:51

ellie09 · 03/12/2023 09:55

In Northern Ireland we go very overboard!

Tea/coffee without fail. We lay out biscuits, cakes, sandwiches etc as well, its like a buffet style afternoon tea!

However, if its an unplanned visit, its usually just tea/coffee and a few biscuits.

Don't forget the tray bakes. Visiting my Grans in the seventies in the evening supper was definitely a thing. Usually sandwiches or maybe homemade soup and Ihave very fond memories of new potatoes freshly dug boiled and served with butter and salt. We usually had visitors in the evening so supper would have been provided but that has now died out a bit.

Bbq1 · 03/12/2023 18:53

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 03/12/2023 18:43

I think that was a quote fail, I think that pp meant swede no-i-wont-have-a-biscuit-thanks caroline.

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Yep, was a quote fail and I am now very confused! I'll bow out here except to say imo it's entirely normal to offer visitors snacks /nibbles /biscuit /cake with their cuppa!

JoeLovesGina · 03/12/2023 18:59

I suspect those people not offering refreshments are the same people who make you take your shoes off in the porch, rude fuckers. [dons hard hat and runs]

Ladymarycrawley1920 · 03/12/2023 19:01

I have always and will always offer food and drink to any guests, whatever time of the day or night. And frankly, since all my friends and family are fully functioning adults, they can refuse any of it if they so chose. One of the many joys of being a grown up. I don’t think I’ve ever “made” anyone diabetic 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

supersonicginandtonic · 03/12/2023 19:02

I often forget to offer a hot drink as I don't drink them myself but will offer a drink if juice or something.

VanityDiesHard · 03/12/2023 19:05

I voted YANBU, but with the caveat that only if I expected them. I hate when people drop by unannounced, so if they do they get nothing and I shove them out after about ten minutes.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 03/12/2023 19:10

I'm definitely donning a tin hat as we offer Tea Coffee Wine or Beer.

Kitkatfiend31 · 03/12/2023 19:27

SwedeCaroline · 03/12/2023 09:49

well, I wouldn't have "a few biscuits/cake/nuts/crisps or whatever " lying around at home, and I wouldn't want them in anyone else's house either.

Its not a very nice thing to do to lay them out in front of anyone who is trying to eat healthily, is it, aren't we beyond all this now?

Oh you are full of joy! Some people like them! Say no thanks if you don't want them.

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 03/12/2023 19:52

PonyPatter44 · 03/12/2023 18:29

This is where we differ. Anyone who is in the house for a social reason is a guest, in my view.

Show quote history

Indeed we do.
I hate folk just randomly turning up, I much prefer to know they're coming (unless of course if it's an emergency and they need my help).

WiddlinDiddlin · 04/12/2023 03:15

I don't really have drop-in type folks these days, all my friends are spread too far across the world for that to be likely.

But when I did, anyone liable to drop in was also capable of making a brew and digging out the biscuits/making a sandwich for themselves if I happened to be busy.

If you weren't that level of familiar with my house either you stopped dropping in or learned fast! I would offer, but it'd be 'oh hello, ill be with you in ten, help yourself' (assuming I was busy, if not I would offer to make it!)

Pre-arranged visits - offered drink/snack/meal as appropriate for time of day and I'd have made sure there was something in that they liked. Even if not the right time of day if they've travelled more than half an hour, I'd check they've eaten the most recent meal and offer that if not.

Anyone here over a meal time is offered a meal, Mother brought us up to understand it was the HEIGHT of bad manners to not do so, whether the guest was pre planned or not, and as I am diabetic I can't skip a meal because theres someone here I don't fancy feeding, and it would be outrageous to eat in front of them without offering.

I expect my friends to say what they mean/mean what they say - so if I offer something once and it is declined, then thats that, I won't offer it again. If you're being all polite and demure and are expecting me to offer repeatedly here, you're shit out of luck.

I also expect if I tell people to help themselves or ask if they need anything, that they will do that! Don't sit there starving or parched and hint or hope, just bloody ask or fetch yourself something!

Greenpolkadot · 04/12/2023 03:39

SwedeCaroline · 03/12/2023 09:49

well, I wouldn't have "a few biscuits/cake/nuts/crisps or whatever " lying around at home, and I wouldn't want them in anyone else's house either.

Its not a very nice thing to do to lay them out in front of anyone who is trying to eat healthily, is it, aren't we beyond all this now?

Who made you the snack police?

Thursa · 04/12/2023 04:47

CharityShopChic · 03/12/2023 09:58

I am in Scotland and would ALWAYS offer someone tea/coffee and at the very least biscuits. An evening visit would be tea/coffee or soft drinks/wine, crisps etc.

Basic hospitality.

My granny would be turning in her grave if I didn’t offer at least tea and biscuits. She was also the one who impressed upon me not to show up at someone’s house “empty handed”.

Ploctopus · 04/12/2023 06:10

SwedeCaroline · 03/12/2023 09:49

well, I wouldn't have "a few biscuits/cake/nuts/crisps or whatever " lying around at home, and I wouldn't want them in anyone else's house either.

Its not a very nice thing to do to lay them out in front of anyone who is trying to eat healthily, is it, aren't we beyond all this now?

🤣🤣🤣

only on mumsnet would you see the act of offering a guest a cup of tea and a biscuit turned into a mortal offence

Holly60 · 04/12/2023 06:17

SwedeCaroline · 03/12/2023 09:49

well, I wouldn't have "a few biscuits/cake/nuts/crisps or whatever " lying around at home, and I wouldn't want them in anyone else's house either.

Its not a very nice thing to do to lay them out in front of anyone who is trying to eat healthily, is it, aren't we beyond all this now?

Grin this is amazing. Don't worry - I guess you don't get many return visitors so it's probably not an issue you need to worry about.

I always think about the kindest, most well mannered people I've ever known and copy what they would do (hint: it's offering food to your guests, and graciously accepting if they decline)

LolaSmiles · 04/12/2023 06:21

I'd always offer tea, coffee, other drinks and then something with it such as biscuits or a slice of cake.

If it wasn't meal time and they're a planned visitor then most of the time I wouldn't offer more food, unless it was family/friends travelling a distance and we're probably arriving just after a mealtime. I'd probably delay our lunch and then eat together.

I find the idea that you've got to have biscuits/cakes/savoury snacks/nuts/crisps and a enough food in the house to make whoever visits a sandwich at any time of day to be a decent host bizarre. Do people really stock their cupboards full of stuff just in case someone turns up mid afternoon having not eaten anything and therefore requires a sandwich making?

madaboutmad · 04/12/2023 06:47

financialcareerstuff · 03/12/2023 10:23

It is a bit tricky, actually, when you are offered unhealthy stuff while trying to be healthy.

Sure, it's my responsibility to say no. But that can be very hard if you are trying to get over compulsive eating, or lose a serious amount of weight.

It's fine if it's offered once and then dropped.

But the main problem is it doesn't generally stop at saying no once. Stuff is laid out, so it's staring at you permanently, which for a compulsive eater is really hard, especially when often dealing with the extra social anxiety of being at a gathering. Or, even worse, the host in every pause in the conversation repeatedly pushes it on you, like it's a personal offence if you don't want one of their biscuits (even worse if it's cake they made or a spread they clearly prepared specially for you, because then it's personal and you are meant to appreciate their effort and give their baking compliments. Some hosts act as if you are personally dissing them not to accept their food. In some cultures it's even more extreme- basically if you don't leave absolutely stuffed, the host hasn't done their job, and the guest hasn't shown enough respect/ acceptance of the host's hospitality.

Hosts often also act like they are doing you a favour by persuading you to 'just let loose'.... and Refusing refreshment is also taken as a social cue that you don't want to stay longer.

While in an ideal world none of this would shake my will, or at worst it would mean a meal off and then straight back into my healthy routine, it can trigger a collapse of everything for me.... that taste of sugar, which I'm addicted to, is back in my system, and it's a major effort to regain my control.

So yes ultimately still my responsibility, but if you imagine this were cigarettes rather than cakes, and I was trying to quit, that's how it often feels for me. I do think hosts should be more aware of not pushing their food on you.

Surely anyone you would drop in on would know this about you?

financialcareerstuff · 04/12/2023 07:17

Surely the hosts would know I struggle with eating? Nope. I'm about two stone overweight, like a million other people in the country and I don't share my internal process with people unless they are an intimate friend.

Compulsive eating, or being heavier than is healthy and trying to lose weight and battle with will power, or some other eating disregularity is incredibly common. If you are hosting more than 3-4 people, it's highly likely some of them are in that situation. (As will a good portion of the workmen who visit, who are often brought this sugary crap unsolicited, 10 times a day as they visit every house). Also, people who yo-yo get embarrassed saying that they are 'on a diet again' because they have said so before, and it all came to nothing. There is a lot of shame.

None of which is the host's problem, until they repeatedly push damaging, unhealthy food on you, making it very hard to say no, as if they are being wonderful hostesses, when actually they are just not listening to what you tell them you actually want.

I repeat, not a problem to be casually offered something once. But a lot of people out there are 'feeders', and getting people to eat their stuff is actually part of their self image as being a good baker/ a good hostess....

It's similar to the culture of nagging people to 'go on, just have one pint... or what's the harm in one more'.

echt · 04/12/2023 07:23

All guests are offered tea or coffee. If they've just dropped round that would be it; I don't have nibbly things such as cake, biscuits, crisps, etc.
If I'm expecting/invited them, it's a different matter and I'll buy something in advance.
If the sun is over the yardarm, I'll offer wine.
If it unexpectedly turns into a meal, which it never has, I would make pasta arrabiata because the ingredients are always there.

SpringIntoChaos · 04/12/2023 07:23

SwedeCaroline · 03/12/2023 09:49

well, I wouldn't have "a few biscuits/cake/nuts/crisps or whatever " lying around at home, and I wouldn't want them in anyone else's house either.

Its not a very nice thing to do to lay them out in front of anyone who is trying to eat healthily, is it, aren't we beyond all this now?

🤦‍♀️ffs!

Original poster
ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 04/12/2023 07:26

financialcareerstuff · 04/12/2023 07:17

Surely the hosts would know I struggle with eating? Nope. I'm about two stone overweight, like a million other people in the country and I don't share my internal process with people unless they are an intimate friend.

Compulsive eating, or being heavier than is healthy and trying to lose weight and battle with will power, or some other eating disregularity is incredibly common. If you are hosting more than 3-4 people, it's highly likely some of them are in that situation. (As will a good portion of the workmen who visit, who are often brought this sugary crap unsolicited, 10 times a day as they visit every house). Also, people who yo-yo get embarrassed saying that they are 'on a diet again' because they have said so before, and it all came to nothing. There is a lot of shame.

None of which is the host's problem, until they repeatedly push damaging, unhealthy food on you, making it very hard to say no, as if they are being wonderful hostesses, when actually they are just not listening to what you tell them you actually want.

I repeat, not a problem to be casually offered something once. But a lot of people out there are 'feeders', and getting people to eat their stuff is actually part of their self image as being a good baker/ a good hostess....

It's similar to the culture of nagging people to 'go on, just have one pint... or what's the harm in one more'.

Again, that has nothing to do with asking people if they want a cup of tea (or coffee or cold drink) when they arrive.

OP posts:
LinguisticallyCunning · 04/12/2023 07:33

I don't offer food, mainly because I cba to prepare it and any nibbles etc get eaten before we have visitors. I do put the kettle on as soon as anyone shows up though, and keep offering it throughout the visit (except for one annoying person who we don't like but who keeps turning up. We don't offer her anything in a bid to stop her staying any longer than half an hour at the most).

lkwhjis · 04/12/2023 07:35

You are not wrong, OP. But this is MN. Most here collapse into a pile of panicked mess if someone rings the doorbell. Shaking, sweating and hiding behind the sofa and shushing the cat like in a slasher movie.