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Original poster

To be upset with my friend - he is upset with me for not having a smear test

315 replies

pussinboots61 · 03/12/2023 00:17

This is a sensitive subject but here goes. I have never had a smear test. I do have reasons but I can't cope with the thoughts of it. I am now 62, been married twice, I haven't been sexually active for some time now.

I will go for other tests but refuse smears. I have a very close male friend who is more like family to me. I worked with him until he retired two weeks ago but we still keep in touch and meet up. I do rely on him a lot and he is very supportive.

The other night we were messaging each other and he just told me randomly about a doctor he had been listening to on the radio talking about smear tests. It was just a general chat and I just commented that I've never had one. He asked me why I am not concerned about my own body and why I won't go for a test and I just told him its something I have always feared.

Then he just went off on one about it, said I should look after myself but not only that, he said I had upset him very much. The conversation went very sparse after that and when I went to bed and messaged him goodnight he just said I had upset him in a big way.

The next day he continued to be off hand with me and when I asked him why he felt I had upset him he went on about how I don't care what happens to me and was on the verge of unfriending me the night before. I was stunned by this. I can understand him being concerned and maybe trying to persuade me to have a test but to want to fall out with me over it was baffling.

I ended up ringing him and then he told me that his Dad died from throat cancer, he had been a heavy smoker from a young age and at one time his GP had offered to give him tests to check if he was going develop cancer but he refused. He said it is now a sore point for him if anyone refuses to have tests. He said he will try and help me get over my fear of smear tests but wants me to have one because he doesn't want me to be in any danger.

I met my friend today for lunch and things were fine but I am still very hurt and upset by this. He wants me to tell him the reason why I am so scared but I don't want to talk about it. I have told him about other friends of mine who won't have certain tests, one of them won't have any test of any kind, she won't even do a urine sample for the doctor because she fears so much what they might find but he said that is them and I can't go on how other people are.

Is he right in being this way or am I overthinking it? I do suffer from depression and I was getting on a more even keel with some new medication I am on but this is setting me back again. I know he is concerned about me but this is just over the top.

OP posts:
RandomButtons · 03/12/2023 00:20

No he’s not reacting right, it’s none of his business. Don’t let it get to you if this is an otherwise great friendship. He’s got trauma on this issue and is reacting badly to it because of that. Don’t loose a good friendship over something so minor.

crispcreambun · 03/12/2023 00:23

I always go for my smears (just got my letter to invite me to book my next one today) but fully believe it's your body, your choice. He's being overbearing and controlling. It's none of his business.

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 03/12/2023 00:23

It’s up to you what you do with your body. He has no right to be upset with you because it’s absolutely none of his business.

Grimchmas · 03/12/2023 00:24

Oh wow. He is massively overstepping and projecting his issues onto you. As a friend he has NO right to be upset or angry with you about the choices you make about your own healthcare.

He doesn't really sound like he respects your bodily autonomy at all. Nor that he is at all sensitive to why women might not want to disclose their reasons. It doesn't matter how close a friend he is, he has zero right to a discussion or an explanation from you about something so literally personal and intimate.

He is badly out of order.

Fummymummy · 03/12/2023 00:25

His reaction is understandable, however his behaviour is unacceptable. He can still be your friend while accepting that you have made an informed decision about your own body for reasons that matter only to you. It's tricky, because if he truly is your friend he would understand and accept this and shouldn't put pressure on you to satisfy his own agenda.
However, it's also a true friend that would urge a loved one to get a health screening that could save their life.
Sorry that's not much help - it sounds like your friend is struggling to with his past experience rather than separating it from your current and different situation which has made his reaction so OTT.

XenoBitch · 03/12/2023 00:25

It is precisely 0% of his business.

Neitheronethingnortheother · 03/12/2023 00:25

This falls into the "your body your choice" and "informed consent" category though

Yes it would be great if everyone had every precautionary test going to pick things up quickly but the reality is not that black and white.

It's easy to be so adamant when it's mot your body, it's not your discomfort, it's not your trauma. But the reality is for a lot of women smear tests run the gauntlet from painful to traumatic.

I would be inclined to tell him that it's a deeply personal choice that you aren't willing to discuss further and let the choice of whether to continue to be friends with you on that basis fall to him

Either way do not let a man who thinks he can brow beat you into this "help you get over your fear". If he was serious about helping you he would be pointing you in the direction of therapy not blackmailing you with threats of removing his friendship

FictionalCharacter · 03/12/2023 00:27

No he is not right. This is way more than just concern. It’s none of his business whatsoever. Don’t feel pressured into letting him “help” you.
They don’t even do actual smears any more, they just test for HPV.
What were these tests the GP offered his dad to check if he was going to develop cancer? Apart from specific genetic testing for certain cancers I don’t believe there is such a test.

Sometimeswinning · 03/12/2023 00:27

The only person who gets upset with me over my lack of enthusiasm over my smear test is dh and my mum. It comes from a good place. You’ve chosen to ignore getting one for your own reason. They are quite literally life savers so I’m with your friend on this.

SutWytTi · 03/12/2023 00:29

His feelings about the past are understandable, but his behaviour towards you in the present is unacceptable.

His attempts to control you are red flags.

I'd rethink the relationship in light of this new information.

merrymelodies · 03/12/2023 00:29

Nothing to do with him. A smear test has probably saved my life, otherwise cervical cancer would have finished me. If you're willing to take that risk, fine.

Chlobo89 · 03/12/2023 00:30

It’s none of his business. I have Cin2 and refused treatment for it and got moaned at by a couple of people close to me about it but it’s my body and my choice.
just tell him you won’t be discussing it any further with him and don’t want to hear his opinion on it.

HeddaGarbled · 03/12/2023 00:31

he went on about how I don't care what happens to me and was on the verge of unfriending me the night before

There’s something wrong with him. That is not a proportionate response.

Back off for a bit now. No more apologising, justifying, mollifying. Refuse to discuss the matter any further and if he wants to make up, he needs to put in the effort, not you.

Maray1967 · 03/12/2023 00:31

crispcreambun · 03/12/2023 00:23

I always go for my smears (just got my letter to invite me to book my next one today) but fully believe it's your body, your choice. He's being overbearing and controlling. It's none of his business.

Exactly this. He needs to back off - you need to make that clear to him very firmly.

Crikeyisthatthetime · 03/12/2023 00:31

It's none of his business but I can't see that a smear test would be all that useful to you now anyway given your circumstances but you absolutely don't owe him an explanation.
How dare he dump all his baggage onto you!

DifficultBloodyWoman · 03/12/2023 00:35

He has issues.

He, understandably, cares for you and doesn’t want you to neglect your health. But he doesn’t understand that it is your body and your choice.

He is overeacting but I would assume it comes from a good place.

GrumpyOldCrone · 03/12/2023 00:36

He can have every screening test he’s offered. It’s not acceptable for him to put pressure on other people to have tests. If he persists with this nonsense, you might suggest he seek therapy (and, if you’re feeling mean, threaten to unfriend him if he refuses).

XenoBitch · 03/12/2023 00:37

How is his health? Is he a healthy weight, non drinker/smoker and eats healthily? Does he look after his cardiac health by exercising regularly?
Does he have prostate and bowel checks?
If not, he is being a bloody hypocrite. Funny it is women's private parts that get the most criticism when it comes to "neglecting" our health.

Ponoka7 · 03/12/2023 00:38

I'm not sexually active and told my specialist nurse that as the UK smear tests only test for HPV, I don't want one and she agreed that unless I become sexually active, it's of little use now I'm post menopause etc. He hasn't got the right to bully you in to something because of issues that he has.

DejaVoodoo · 03/12/2023 00:40

Bloody hell, him making your most intimate and private health matters all about him!
I'd tell him to fuck off and never see him again.

How dare he!

PencilsInSpace · 03/12/2023 00:41

Where does he get off with his sulky 'upset' behaviour over your decisions regarding your own personal health? WTF does it have to do with him?

You owe him no reasons or explanations and he's incredibly rude and insensitive for even asking. I would not put up with this level of interference from my husband, let alone a male friend.

Almost every one of us will lose at least one loved one to some sort of cancer. It doesn't give any of us the right to interfere with anyone else's medical decisions.

AbondonedThemePark · 03/12/2023 00:41

Aw, that obviously triggered him with what happened to his dad. He's shown he has your welfare to heart, the sign of a good friend.

He was a bit ott but I'd put that down to the triggering. Maybe he could do with a bit of help coming to terms with it better?

Not having a smear is absolutely your choice, but I think it's probably better to try and overcome your fear rather than decide never to have one and risk dying of cervical cancer.

However given your age and current sexual circumstances is there any point at the moment? You might have that conversation with him.

But overall I see no problem with a friend having my best interests at heart and talking to you about the risks of your decision. After all, you're the one who told him you'd never had one, what response did you think you'd get?

StBrides · 03/12/2023 00:45

He is way out of line.
Your body, your rules.

He wants to unfriend you, that's fine.
The idiot.

Tell him to stop trauma dumping on you.

XenoBitch · 03/12/2023 00:47

AbondonedThemePark · 03/12/2023 00:41

Aw, that obviously triggered him with what happened to his dad. He's shown he has your welfare to heart, the sign of a good friend.

He was a bit ott but I'd put that down to the triggering. Maybe he could do with a bit of help coming to terms with it better?

Not having a smear is absolutely your choice, but I think it's probably better to try and overcome your fear rather than decide never to have one and risk dying of cervical cancer.

However given your age and current sexual circumstances is there any point at the moment? You might have that conversation with him.

But overall I see no problem with a friend having my best interests at heart and talking to you about the risks of your decision. After all, you're the one who told him you'd never had one, what response did you think you'd get?

He was on the verge of no longer being friends with OP over it. That is not showing concern or being a good friend. That is being an idiot at best, and a manipulative knob at worst.

HoppingPavlova · 03/12/2023 00:47

The other night we were messaging each other and he just told me randomly about a doctor he had been listening to on the radio talking about smear tests.

That is odd in itself. Does he have something amiss to have this as a topic of conversation? It’s not really ‘random’ to be frank. It’s quite a targeted topic of conversation, and very odd. I would have just responded ‘I found an amazing special today on a (insert household item), very happy with my score’, and see if this deflected them. Even if so, i’d store it in the memory bank as odd behaviour.