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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with my friend - he is upset with me for not having a smear test

315 replies

pussinboots61 · 03/12/2023 00:17

This is a sensitive subject but here goes. I have never had a smear test. I do have reasons but I can't cope with the thoughts of it. I am now 62, been married twice, I haven't been sexually active for some time now.

I will go for other tests but refuse smears. I have a very close male friend who is more like family to me. I worked with him until he retired two weeks ago but we still keep in touch and meet up. I do rely on him a lot and he is very supportive.

The other night we were messaging each other and he just told me randomly about a doctor he had been listening to on the radio talking about smear tests. It was just a general chat and I just commented that I've never had one. He asked me why I am not concerned about my own body and why I won't go for a test and I just told him its something I have always feared.

Then he just went off on one about it, said I should look after myself but not only that, he said I had upset him very much. The conversation went very sparse after that and when I went to bed and messaged him goodnight he just said I had upset him in a big way.

The next day he continued to be off hand with me and when I asked him why he felt I had upset him he went on about how I don't care what happens to me and was on the verge of unfriending me the night before. I was stunned by this. I can understand him being concerned and maybe trying to persuade me to have a test but to want to fall out with me over it was baffling.

I ended up ringing him and then he told me that his Dad died from throat cancer, he had been a heavy smoker from a young age and at one time his GP had offered to give him tests to check if he was going develop cancer but he refused. He said it is now a sore point for him if anyone refuses to have tests. He said he will try and help me get over my fear of smear tests but wants me to have one because he doesn't want me to be in any danger.

I met my friend today for lunch and things were fine but I am still very hurt and upset by this. He wants me to tell him the reason why I am so scared but I don't want to talk about it. I have told him about other friends of mine who won't have certain tests, one of them won't have any test of any kind, she won't even do a urine sample for the doctor because she fears so much what they might find but he said that is them and I can't go on how other people are.

Is he right in being this way or am I overthinking it? I do suffer from depression and I was getting on a more even keel with some new medication I am on but this is setting me back again. I know he is concerned about me but this is just over the top.

OP posts:
fairygalaxy · 03/12/2023 08:26

LostAtTheCrossRoad · 03/12/2023 08:17

Like I said, my personal opinion on her decision has no weight here, and nor does his. I've said exactly the same as lots of other posters. Go quite them by name too.

Show quote history

No I've quoted you for calling OP a fool.

ISpyNoPlumPie · 03/12/2023 08:30

I just do not understand why some people on this thread have such strong opinions with the decisions other people make about their own health. It has nothing to do with you. The OP is not “an absolute fool”, smear tests are not “cheap and cheerful”, and anecdotes about so and so who died/survived are meaningless. We either have bodily autonomy or we don’t.

Velvian · 03/12/2023 08:33

Your friend us an absolute dick, OP.

Willyoujustbequiet · 03/12/2023 08:35

He's overreacting totally.

It's completely your choice if you want to risk dying unnecessarily of cervical cancer.

GabriellaMontez · 03/12/2023 08:37

Absolutely none of his business.

His response is breathtaking. I'd close this down as nicely as you can. "We'll have to agree to disagree on this because I'm not going to be having one"

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 03/12/2023 08:38

Assuming you are in the UK, the smear test programme runs from age 25-64, as the period between tests changes to every 5 years after 50 most woman will have their last test between ages 59-64 so although you would be eligible for a test as you haven't had one, many woman of your age will have already had their last one, I am 63 and had my last one a year ago. It is of course your decision and yours alone what you want to do but maybe telling him you are now in the age range when smears stop anyway it might help with his fears for you.

SGBK4862 · 03/12/2023 08:43

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 03/12/2023 08:38

Assuming you are in the UK, the smear test programme runs from age 25-64, as the period between tests changes to every 5 years after 50 most woman will have their last test between ages 59-64 so although you would be eligible for a test as you haven't had one, many woman of your age will have already had their last one, I am 63 and had my last one a year ago. It is of course your decision and yours alone what you want to do but maybe telling him you are now in the age range when smears stop anyway it might help with his fears for you.

This. I came on here to say this. I just turned 64 and had my last one about a year ago.

Might be useful information to give your friend? Sorry he is being weird about it though.

Smugandproud · 03/12/2023 08:43

I was offered my last ever test two years ago.
As I’ve been married to dh for over 40 years and never had abnormal results previously I decided not to bother.

Your body, your choice op.

Deathbyfluffy · 03/12/2023 08:43

XenoBitch · 03/12/2023 00:37

How is his health? Is he a healthy weight, non drinker/smoker and eats healthily? Does he look after his cardiac health by exercising regularly?
Does he have prostate and bowel checks?
If not, he is being a bloody hypocrite. Funny it is women's private parts that get the most criticism when it comes to "neglecting" our health.

Edited

Not really - there’s a huge drive for testicular checks etc these days too.
I’m a man and can’t seem to go a week without an advert telling me to check ‘down there!’

mummyh2016 · 03/12/2023 08:47

He has massively overreacted however your argument about not being sexually active has no bearing unless you've never been sexually active - HPV can lie dormant for years. I'm a bit surprised the nurse didn't mention this.

Rewis · 03/12/2023 08:49

Very over the top. I can undertasbd encouraging you to get one (during the conversation), being concerned, maybe even bewildered you haven't had one. But to be upset and whatever this reaction is, that's a total red flag.

NeedToChangeName · 03/12/2023 08:49

Ponoka7 · 03/12/2023 00:38

I'm not sexually active and told my specialist nurse that as the UK smear tests only test for HPV, I don't want one and she agreed that unless I become sexually active, it's of little use now I'm post menopause etc. He hasn't got the right to bully you in to something because of issues that he has.

@Ponoka7 I'm interested to see this . Please could you explain the rationale? I'd love to not have another smear test

pinkfondu · 03/12/2023 08:55

Smears are only really test for hpv now, if you've had one since it changed to tgat and are not sexually active I don't blame you.

He needs to stop mansplaining!

Sarah2891 · 03/12/2023 08:55

Your friend is being an ass, as is anyone else who tries to police women on this matter. You don't need to explain to anyone why you won't have one.

RecoveryDue · 03/12/2023 08:56

So he is scared about your health. Presumably he does not want to lose you as a friend if you die from cervical cancer. Yet he is willing to stop being your friend because you won’t have a test? That makes no sense at all.

He is a bully, and his behaviour is disgusting.

I find it bizarre how women are harangued for not wanting to have a smear test. Ultimately it is their choice.

BarleyArch · 03/12/2023 10:17

Your body, your choice.

But the smear test is now a test to detect the HPV virus. They now ONLY check for abnormal cells IF HPV is detected. I think they need to devise a less invasive/uncomfortable test for HPV but they won't because it's for women.

Personally if you dont want it, don't have it but just lie to him and tell him you've had it done. That's what I'd do!

Namechange4234 · 03/12/2023 10:21

fairygalaxy · 03/12/2023 08:11

I get your point but the point is it isn't "cheerful" for a lot of people.

Show quote history

Good point. Way more cheerful than cancer treatment though

However I do agree, your body your choice

Winnipeggy · 03/12/2023 10:25

So it's not about you, it's about him. Maybe you should consider this in your friendship going forward

HelenaCh9 · 03/12/2023 10:41

You have the right to refuse them. I’d just avoid the topic with him. I’m sorry about his dad but he can’t dump his trauma on you however well-meaning he is.

On the side topic of the screening programme, posters who mentioned “the UK” are wrong. Screening/health is devolved. But that’s not hugely relevant here.

zingally · 03/12/2023 11:32

Wow, he's massively over-stepped here.

It sounds like he's got a load of medical trauma from what happened to his dad, but that's his problem not yours.

That being said, people react in all sorts of bizarre ways, to all sorts of bizarre things. I wouldn't let this one (very) weird moment ruin an otherwise lovely friendship.

Neitheronethingnortheother · 03/12/2023 11:58

Namechange4234 · 03/12/2023 07:02

Of course, your body your choice

I'm assuming, though, that should you get cervical cancer which, should it appear late on, will be stage 3 or 4, you'll expect the NHS to try to save your life at great cost?

Rather than a cheap and cheerful smear test?

But of course your body your choice

I think your friend is entitled to his opinion. You freely gave the information to him.

Of course, your body your choice

I'm assuming, though, that should you get into a car accident which, is ten times more likely in a private car than if you use public transport, you'll expect the NHS to try to save your life at great cost?

Rather than a cheap and cheerful bus ride?

But of course your body your choice

Your words can be used in a myriad of situations depending on which group of people you are choosing to berate for their life choices.

Alargeoneplease89 · 03/12/2023 12:05

I can somewhat understand, my mum died young from cancer, she had the symptoms a long time and could have been treated and probably survived. I am somewhat bitter about it and get annoyed when people moan about not having simple tests and putting themselves through worst because dying from cancer isn't much fun.

Maybe he feels guilt and anger after watching a loved one die in a horrible way though I understand its your body your choice

thevegetablesoup · 03/12/2023 12:12

I can't believe the people on here harassing the op about not having a test.

As others have said it won't be long before op doesn't qualify for them anyway.

sugarplum33 · 03/12/2023 12:13

Whatever his personal feelings and experiences, he needs to back off trying to tell you what to do with your own vagina.

And when so many women have experienced abuse and trauma he should be intelligent enough to realise that a smear test could be triggering in so many more ways than other tests. What an insensitive knob.

therealcookiemonster · 03/12/2023 12:29

sounds like he is transferring his grief about his father onto you...