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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset with my friend - he is upset with me for not having a smear test

315 replies

pussinboots61 · 03/12/2023 00:17

This is a sensitive subject but here goes. I have never had a smear test. I do have reasons but I can't cope with the thoughts of it. I am now 62, been married twice, I haven't been sexually active for some time now.

I will go for other tests but refuse smears. I have a very close male friend who is more like family to me. I worked with him until he retired two weeks ago but we still keep in touch and meet up. I do rely on him a lot and he is very supportive.

The other night we were messaging each other and he just told me randomly about a doctor he had been listening to on the radio talking about smear tests. It was just a general chat and I just commented that I've never had one. He asked me why I am not concerned about my own body and why I won't go for a test and I just told him its something I have always feared.

Then he just went off on one about it, said I should look after myself but not only that, he said I had upset him very much. The conversation went very sparse after that and when I went to bed and messaged him goodnight he just said I had upset him in a big way.

The next day he continued to be off hand with me and when I asked him why he felt I had upset him he went on about how I don't care what happens to me and was on the verge of unfriending me the night before. I was stunned by this. I can understand him being concerned and maybe trying to persuade me to have a test but to want to fall out with me over it was baffling.

I ended up ringing him and then he told me that his Dad died from throat cancer, he had been a heavy smoker from a young age and at one time his GP had offered to give him tests to check if he was going develop cancer but he refused. He said it is now a sore point for him if anyone refuses to have tests. He said he will try and help me get over my fear of smear tests but wants me to have one because he doesn't want me to be in any danger.

I met my friend today for lunch and things were fine but I am still very hurt and upset by this. He wants me to tell him the reason why I am so scared but I don't want to talk about it. I have told him about other friends of mine who won't have certain tests, one of them won't have any test of any kind, she won't even do a urine sample for the doctor because she fears so much what they might find but he said that is them and I can't go on how other people are.

Is he right in being this way or am I overthinking it? I do suffer from depression and I was getting on a more even keel with some new medication I am on but this is setting me back again. I know he is concerned about me but this is just over the top.

OP posts:

Isittimeformynapyet · 03/12/2023 00:49

XenoBitch · 03/12/2023 00:37

How is his health? Is he a healthy weight, non drinker/smoker and eats healthily? Does he look after his cardiac health by exercising regularly?
Does he have prostate and bowel checks?
If not, he is being a bloody hypocrite. Funny it is women's private parts that get the most criticism when it comes to "neglecting" our health.

Edited

I see a lot of campaigns encouraging men to get a prostate exam and saying that men really need to take more responsibility in this regard.

Do you take "please get a smear/mammogram because I'd hate anything bad to happen to you" as criticism?

Totally agree that cutting a friend off is OTT though.

Sarahzb · 03/12/2023 00:50

Tell him to get a test for prostate cancer. Back to you mate.

PencilsInSpace · 03/12/2023 01:04

Isittimeformynapyet · 03/12/2023 00:49

I see a lot of campaigns encouraging men to get a prostate exam and saying that men really need to take more responsibility in this regard.

Do you take "please get a smear/mammogram because I'd hate anything bad to happen to you" as criticism?

Totally agree that cutting a friend off is OTT though.

Show quote history

There is no national prostate cancer screening programme in the UK so where have you seen all these campaigns?

No screening programme is without risk, regardless of its benefits. It's up to each individual to make an informed decision for themselves if they want to participate in screening programmes which are offered. It's nobody else's job to pressure them into it, especially by using emotional blackmail. These are not the actions of a friend.

Tinkerbyebye · 03/12/2023 01:08

Your choice you have your reasons and they are nothing to do with him

i would simply tell him you have your reasons which you won’t be discussing with anybody but your doctor, that it’s none of his business and he has to stop projecting his fears onto you

if he refuses to stop them 8 would be walking away from the friendship

Catsmere · 03/12/2023 01:13

I bet he wouldn't be compliant if he was told he's required to have something painfully inserted into his anus to make a so-called friend happy.

HamBone · 03/12/2023 01:20

He’s got trauma on this issue and is reacting badly to it because of that.

I agree with @RandomButtons , he’s reacting badly and inappropriately because he feels that his Dad’s life could have been saved (even though it probably couldn’t).

I’d refrain from discussing anything medical with him in future. If he won’t let this drop, you’ll have to be firm and say that you don’t wish to discuss medical issues with him. If he can’t respect that, you’ll have to end the friendship.

strawberrysea · 03/12/2023 01:22

His reaction, even considering his family history, was very weird. YANBU.

EmmaEmerald · 03/12/2023 01:28

This is awful behaviour and there's no excuse for it.

RitaFromThePitCanteen · 03/12/2023 01:30

I think smear tests are one of the subjects that is socially acceptable to harangue women about - in fact, not simply socially acceptable but actively encouraged by medical professionals and charities.

If a man did this to me, I would wonder if he was upset with me about something else and was using this as an excuse to be rude to me or start an argument while still being able to claim that he was morally in the right.

Devilsmommy · 03/12/2023 01:36

@RitaFromThePitCanteen very good point about wondering if it was about something else and using it to argue🤔

Ohnoooooooo · 03/12/2023 01:48

I was told the other day there is an age when you stop having them. Aa smear test saved my life I had cin3 at the age of 34. I find them painful but prob less so then what would have been treatment if left untreated

Delphinium20 · 03/12/2023 01:57

He's a dude and has no understanding of the physical experience it would be for a woman to get a smear. I'm very angry on your behalf that he can be so bossy about your body. Also, at 63, a lot of the health issues you'd find w/ a smear aren't as likely as you age.

hoobanoobie · 03/12/2023 02:04

What he does with his own cervix is his business. Oh wait, he doesn't have one. Is he used to undergoing invasive procedures in as much as you'd get angry at him if he didn't submit? Your reasons are your own. You don’t have to justify yourself to anyone else. And for him to pitch a bitch fit? Fucking ridiculous. He's not the close friend you thought he was because he's clearly hard of understanding. Stand up for yourself, he's being a fucking twat. Would he like a speculum shoved up his arsehole every few years knowing that the test would only cover certain criteria? No? Shut the fuck up then.

StarlightLady · 03/12/2023 02:10

It’s because he cares about you. Women’s health is important.

TempestTost · 03/12/2023 02:44

Your friend is wrong.

It sounds like he has a sort of health anxiety from his experience. And a lot of people put too much faith in medical tests of all kinds. Many can be useful, but people seem to treat them almost like an amulet. Some common ones are much less useful than many people realize.

I also think the way covid messaging worked on many people has amped up their sense that testing is a kind of moral issue, rather than a pragmatic one.

I would tell him that what medical tests you get is your business, you are an adult who understands how they work, and you really regret telling him at all because it is certainly nothing to do with him.

octoberfarm · 03/12/2023 03:03

I firmly believe in the importance of smear tests but my goodness is he overstepping here. He doesn't get to dictate what you do with your body and honestly, this isn't any of his business. This may well be a "him" issue but I would firmly shut it down pretty quickly - he doesn't get to decide what you do with your body, and he doesn't get to get the hump if he doesn't get his way. It is absolutely none of his business.

MintJulia · 03/12/2023 03:19

Having watched my dsd die slowly & needlessly from CC in her 20s, I'd be pretty frustrated with a friend who risked the same. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

But I don't see what unfriending and giving you the cold shoulder achieves. That's an odd reaction.

SmokeyToo · 03/12/2023 03:20

Your friend, while well meaning, is completely out of order, OP. Your health is nobody's business but yours.

My Mum is 87 and has never had a smear test. Even after her mother died from ovarian cancer. I've had the conversation with her, but it's entirely her decision and nothing to do with me.

I had that pre-cancer on the cervix thing caused by HPV when I was 17. I also had kidney reflux and was constantly subjected to examinations by a urologist at the same time. The surgeries and constant testing during those years absolutely traumatised me and I refused to go back to a gynaecologist for a VERY long time afterwards. I may have had one or two smear tests in about 20 years, only when I was forced into it. I only saw a gynaecologist again when I desperately needed help with HRT and ended up having a Mirena coil put in. I have to have it replaced soon (I'm actually overdue) and I'm not looking forward to it!

I actually have no fear of doctors of any kind (I've had a lot of health issues over the years), but I just get so sick of feeling violated. So, I just don't see them unless there's something wrong. Same with dentists - I wait til there's something needing to be fixed. Which is completely ridiculous because I have genetically bad teeth and could probably have saved a lot of them had I have sought regular treatment. But I don't. I'm sick of the financial outlay and the constant feeling of violation.

So, I completely understand where you're coming from. Again, it's nobody's business but yours.

Nofilteritwonthelp · 03/12/2023 03:20

I'd be upset if someone I cared about didn't have a smear test. Someone I know died a few years ago, in her early 30s leaving behind a child. Cervical cancer can kill

YireosDodeAver · 03/12/2023 03:37

It's really none of his business and he can just fuck off about his wanting to control your health decisions.

However, you and he should be aware (if pp haven't already pointed out) that the vast majority of smear samples are never examined and are thrown away unchecked. They do a test for HPV at the same time and they only look at your smear sample if you are positive for HPV. As you aren't sexually active your chances of having HPV are very low but non-zero unless you have only ever had sex with one man who has only ever had sex with you and neither had any other partners. If that doesn't apply you can buy an HPV test kit to self-administer at home. If that has a negative result there is no point whatsoever putting yourself through the trauma of a smear sample being taken if you would find it stressful.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 03/12/2023 03:42

Your body, your life, your choice. I can understand his reaction, he doesn't want to lose anyone he cares about that way again and he sees it as a very simple test that can be life saving. But it's not the same for you and that's what matters. He is overreacting. It's coming from a good place, but he doesn't get a say.

HurtleTurtle30 · 03/12/2023 04:19

I’ll be very honest in that my dad had a bowel screen at 60 which showed abnormalities and he refused further tests and he died at 62 with Colorectal cancer. Whether he could have prevented this by going for further tests at 60 we will never know but I do understand the frustration from your friends side as I feel it about my dad. But the other side is you have control of what you want to do or not do so he has no control or say in this and his behaviour does cross the line for me. You can’t force or persuade someone to do something because you want them to ( I would have loved to have forced my dad) it’s entirely their choice. I would never do that despite my experience with my Dad. I would encourage anyone to take tests available to them (I am now under 3 yr colonoscopy surveillance due to my dad and other cancers in family but it’s my choice to take those tests). It feels like misguided concern and shouldn’t form essentially blackmail. If you’ve chosen not to have these tests and that is your firm and final decision then he needs to respect that.

autienotnaughty · 03/12/2023 04:33

Your body your choice

He needs to back off. Its obviously triggering for him but you don't have to justify anything to him. I'd tell him to drop it now.

PippyLongTits · 03/12/2023 06:17

Your body, your choice.

But maybe speak to your GP about smear tests and see if they can reassure you about some of your concerns.

allhellcantstopusnow · 03/12/2023 06:22

Where were all you "your body your choice" responders when women have posted previous threads about not wanting smears and have been patronised and harangued in the replies?

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