To be upset with my friend - he is upset with me for not having a smear test

[pussinboots61]

This is a sensitive subject but here goes. I have never had a smear test. I do have reasons but I can't cope with the thoughts of it. I am now 62, been married twice, I haven't been sexually active for some time now.

I will go for other tests but refuse smears. I have a very close male friend who is more like family to me. I worked with him until he retired two weeks ago but we still keep in touch and meet up. I do rely on him a lot and he is very supportive.

The other night we were messaging each other and he just told me randomly about a doctor he had been listening to on the radio talking about smear tests. It was just a general chat and I just commented that I've never had one. He asked me why I am not concerned about my own body and why I won't go for a test and I just told him its something I have always feared.

Then he just went off on one about it, said I should look after myself but not only that, he said I had upset him very much. The conversation went very sparse after that and when I went to bed and messaged him goodnight he just said I had upset him in a big way.

The next day he continued to be off hand with me and when I asked him why he felt I had upset him he went on about how I don't care what happens to me and was on the verge of unfriending me the night before. I was stunned by this. I can understand him being concerned and maybe trying to persuade me to have a test but to want to fall out with me over it was baffling.

I ended up ringing him and then he told me that his Dad died from throat cancer, he had been a heavy smoker from a young age and at one time his GP had offered to give him tests to check if he was going develop cancer but he refused. He said it is now a sore point for him if anyone refuses to have tests. He said he will try and help me get over my fear of smear tests but wants me to have one because he doesn't want me to be in any danger.

I met my friend today for lunch and things were fine but I am still very hurt and upset by this. He wants me to tell him the reason why I am so scared but I don't want to talk about it. I have told him about other friends of mine who won't have certain tests, one of them won't have any test of any kind, she won't even do a urine sample for the doctor because she fears so much what they might find but he said that is them and I can't go on how other people are.

Is he right in being this way or am I overthinking it? I do suffer from depression and I was getting on a more even keel with some new medication I am on but this is setting me back again. I know he is concerned about me but this is just over the top.

@LadyGrinningSoul85 How bloody smug are you. Wait until you get older and a smear test is excruciatingly painful. Then come back and tell us all how fucking perfect you are.

I am only 32 so not old but every single smear I have had has been incredibly painful and they always take multiple attempts over multiple appointments to complete.

I honestly have no idea what is wrong with me or why it bloody hurts so much but you can guarantee that as soon as that speculum is inserted I will be screaming in pain. This has happened with several different nurses in several different GP surgeries. So I know the problem is me.

Last time I had to be referred to hospital to have it done. Even with the proper gyn chair it was still fairly sore and it took a couple of gos before it could be completed.

I am not even sure why I am sharing this. I guess I just wish that women who don’t find it painful would quit pretending to not understand that other women do find it painful. It is not simply a case of getting over ourselves or putting our big girl pants on. It is often about the test not being able to be completed because it is too painful to do so.

I have heard people say that even if it hurts you should just grit your teeth and get it done still because it is just a few seconds of pain. This is of course true but funnily enough when you are crying out with pain the nurse is reluctant to carry on and will often just stop the procedure themselves if it is clear it is really hurting you. I even said to the nurse once that she should just do the smear even if I was crying but she refused as she didn’t want to hurt me and I think she said it was for consent reasons as well.

I also keep reading that it hurts more as you get older and if that is the case then Jesus bloody Christ. It is already agonising so fuck knows what it is going to be like when I am 50.

I forgot to add that I am not embarrassed. I honestly don’t care who looks at my vulva. To be honest I am too busy concentrating on the pain than giving a damn that my genitals are on display. So people can shove their claims of ‘oh they have seen it all before’ where the sun don’t shine. It is not about that.

Despite my smears being bloody painful and despite my fear I still go. I still try and get it done even though it fails more often than not. So people can sod off with their ‘pull your big girl pants on’ claims as well.

@MartyMcFlysPurpleUnderwear during my one and only smear test the nurse stopped at one point because I was so physically and mentally uncomfortable, but I told her to just ignore any noises/movement from me and carry on. I don't want to be in that position again.

The nurse was lovely and I can't fault her, but I do not want to do that again. And what upset me was that after I had spent months going back and forth about booking the appointment, the weeks of working up to it beforehand and then the procedure itself, to then receive a letter that basically says they did not test my sample for cancer was a slap in the face. They tested for HPV, not cancer.

I have a very high pain threshold (I once fell asleep during a waxing session as an example) but that was very difficult for me, so the people saying it doesn't hurt at all-good on you but that's not the case for everyone.

I will now do the same level of testing as they currently offer: I will have a urine test for HPV and if that's ever positive I'll book in for a smear.

I had no idea this was the case. I genuinely have no words.

I think if more women knew they were the only group being deliberately excluded from a vaccination sold specifically on the idea of preventing a female cancer that involves an invasive and unpleasant screening process every few years there would be fury. As there should be. It’s just tucked away on an NHS page about HPV vaccines: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/vaccinations/hpv-human-papillomavirus-vaccine/

We’re the only ones expected to pay for it if we want it.

You do realise you'll have to take off your big girl pants on Friday?

@Whatevs23 That’s how I feel about mammograms as well. I was terrified when some tiny lumps were discovered two years ago (benign so far) and tbh I’m scared about having my next mammogram in a few weeks, in case they’ve mutated. I’m not sure what I’ll do if they suggest any treatment, but at least I’ll be informed.

I suppose I’m also influenced by some older women I know who were successfully treated for early stage breast cancer and have now been cancer-free for years.

The recall database was groundbreaking when it was introduced. 🤔. It is quite important.

*I have been offered a mammogram several times since the age of 47-48, I have refused every time. I will not be having one. Ever.

I won't be explaining myself to anyone, not even the doctors/nurses. I'm a big fucking girl, I am knocking the door of 60, and I can make my own mind up. I don't need anyone goading or bullying me or emotionally blackmailing me into have a smear or a mammogram.*

Very hard to understand why anyone would refuse a mammogram. I don't think that being offered screening to detect early signs of cancer can be called bullying either

That’s why women should not be patronised and infantilised - we can all make decisions without being coerced or bullied, and we can respect others’ decisions.

Why are women being patronised infantilised coerced or bullied when they are offered cancer screening

@Babla have you even read the thread? There's examples of that all through it and the OP is about a man doing precisely that!

Read the thread.

Sorry only just seen this but yes and it has been trialled in parts of the country - I believe the NHS is planning to roll it out at some point but as ever is chronically slow at innovation

Just to add - the HPV vaccination is SO effective it is now thought that at some point in the future we won’t even need smear tests because cervical cancer will be pretty much wiped out. It is an abomination that they don’t offer the jab to over 25s because even if you do have or have had HPV at some point the jab would protect you against the other strains you haven’t had, which is likely to include the riskier ones. There is so much more the NHS could be doing but hey - who cares about women’s health right?