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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with my friend - he is upset with me for not having a smear test

315 replies

pussinboots61 · 03/12/2023 00:17

This is a sensitive subject but here goes. I have never had a smear test. I do have reasons but I can't cope with the thoughts of it. I am now 62, been married twice, I haven't been sexually active for some time now.

I will go for other tests but refuse smears. I have a very close male friend who is more like family to me. I worked with him until he retired two weeks ago but we still keep in touch and meet up. I do rely on him a lot and he is very supportive.

The other night we were messaging each other and he just told me randomly about a doctor he had been listening to on the radio talking about smear tests. It was just a general chat and I just commented that I've never had one. He asked me why I am not concerned about my own body and why I won't go for a test and I just told him its something I have always feared.

Then he just went off on one about it, said I should look after myself but not only that, he said I had upset him very much. The conversation went very sparse after that and when I went to bed and messaged him goodnight he just said I had upset him in a big way.

The next day he continued to be off hand with me and when I asked him why he felt I had upset him he went on about how I don't care what happens to me and was on the verge of unfriending me the night before. I was stunned by this. I can understand him being concerned and maybe trying to persuade me to have a test but to want to fall out with me over it was baffling.

I ended up ringing him and then he told me that his Dad died from throat cancer, he had been a heavy smoker from a young age and at one time his GP had offered to give him tests to check if he was going develop cancer but he refused. He said it is now a sore point for him if anyone refuses to have tests. He said he will try and help me get over my fear of smear tests but wants me to have one because he doesn't want me to be in any danger.

I met my friend today for lunch and things were fine but I am still very hurt and upset by this. He wants me to tell him the reason why I am so scared but I don't want to talk about it. I have told him about other friends of mine who won't have certain tests, one of them won't have any test of any kind, she won't even do a urine sample for the doctor because she fears so much what they might find but he said that is them and I can't go on how other people are.

Is he right in being this way or am I overthinking it? I do suffer from depression and I was getting on a more even keel with some new medication I am on but this is setting me back again. I know he is concerned about me but this is just over the top.

OP posts:
Biffathesniffa · 03/12/2023 18:01

I think you should have one but I respect your right to refuse.

I don't think your friend was wrong in what's he's said. But he needs to leave it now.

Edit - missed the unfriend bit. He's going well past concerned friend here and you are not being unreasonable to be annoyed/ upset.

crispcreambun · 03/12/2023 18:19

DropDeadFreida · 03/12/2023 17:59

@crispcreambun and again, I am well aware of the literature and stand by my original point. This perfectly encapsulates the OP's original point. When a grown adult is saying that they have made an informed decision about their own body then maybe that should be respected?

And your response perfectly encapsulates a lack of reading comprehension.

The second response on this thread was from me saying her body, her choice and her friend was BU. I also commented that YOU should do wtf you want if you bother to read my replies to you.

I was merely making you (and, more importantly, silent readers who may not know) aware that HPV negative now doesn’t necessarily mean HPV negative forever if you’ve ever had sex, even if you never have sexual contact with someone else again. I don’t give a damn whether you or any other woman chooses to get tested, but I think it’s important the decision is fully informed.

Screening also allows a visual inspection of the cervix that will be absent for women who choose to self-test for HPV. And screening comes with the risk of unnecessary treatment.

DropDeadFreida · 03/12/2023 18:41

@crispcreambun I don't need you to make me aware of anything thank you, and if you are trying to make silent readers aware of something then perhaps don't tag other people into your posts and just post on your own steam? You do not need to use me to try and prove a point that is, again, completely irrelevant to my circumstances.

crispcreambun · 03/12/2023 18:43

DropDeadFreida · 03/12/2023 18:41

@crispcreambun I don't need you to make me aware of anything thank you, and if you are trying to make silent readers aware of something then perhaps don't tag other people into your posts and just post on your own steam? You do not need to use me to try and prove a point that is, again, completely irrelevant to my circumstances.

I’ll quote whoever I want, thanks.

Catsmere · 03/12/2023 19:52

SunnieShine · 03/12/2023 13:00

Mine were agony so I stopped going.

Show quote history

My first was forced on me when I was in my twenties and didn't know doctors had no right to do that. She said she wouldn't prescribe the Pill if I didn't have it. It was so agonising I couldn't let her finish, and her comment afterward? "I didn't think any woman your age would be a virgin in this country."

It took thirty years before I had another and that was only because I had one random post-menopausal bleed. Fortunately the doctor was far more competent and decent than that godawful one.

Ponoka7 · 03/12/2023 23:42

mummyh2016 · 03/12/2023 17:43

@Ponoka7 are you aware HPV can lie dormant for years? I first tested positive for it in 2020, me and DH had been together 13 years at this point, I haven't slept with anyone else in that time and I have no reason to believe that DH has either.
If you don't want a smear that's up to you but it's wrong to think there is no way you will have HPV. I'm surprised the nurse didn't tell you this.

90% of women who get HPV will clear themselves of it via their immune system. Out of the 10% that won't, it's a very tiny minority that will get any form of cancer from being infected. I'm making an informed decision to not get a smear. I had one when I got my coil fitted (for post menopausal protection). I'll get another when I need it changing. Other than that I won't and it isn't really medically needed.

DropDeadFreida · 04/12/2023 00:17

@Catsmere that's so awful, I'm sorry you went through that. It's as if women are not allowed to have bodily autonomy even in healthcare. And the virgin comment is infuriating. I know plenty of women in the UK who were virgins well into their twenties and thirties, and they should not have to be made to feel like anomalies. Also, people do actually have different types of sex lives and so a smear test may not be necessary in any case.

I had a female doctor ask me 'but WHY have you not had sex yet?' at the grand old age of 22!

Catsmere · 04/12/2023 00:22

@DropDeadFreida that comment's even worse than what Dr Unspeakable said to me, and her comment definitely came across as a thinly-veiled "Australian women are sluts".

If she's still alive she'd probably be shocked to know I'm still a virgin thirty years later.

DropDeadFreida · 04/12/2023 00:29

@Catsmere well I'm in my mid thirties and only lost my virginity last year (and to a woman) so I'll be going back to throwing away the smear test reminders for the foreseeable! Once was enough for me.

Catsmere · 04/12/2023 00:41

@DropDeadFreida yes, it was only the random bleed (a once-off, I suspect caused by my first Covid shot) that persuaded me to get another. Didn't think much of the gynaecologist - bloke had had a humour bypass - but even he was better than that first one. Never felt pain like it except when I passed a kidney stone (well, kidney sand, it was so fine it didn't show on x-rays).

And to cap it all Dr Unspeakable said she was using a child-size instrument she regularly used on a little girl whose father was abusing her. This was before mandatory reporting became law here, but I always wondered if she was just shrugging it off, and why the hell she mentioned that to another patient.

CallieQ · 04/12/2023 00:56

He's not right it's none of his business but you should go for smear tests ... why wouldn't you

CallieQ · 04/12/2023 00:58

90% of women who get HPV will clear themselves of it via their immune system. Out of the 10% that won't, it's a very tiny minority that will get any form of cancer from being infected. I'm making an informed decision to not get a smear. I had one when I got my coil fitted (for post menopausal protection). I'll get another when I need it changing. Other than that I won't and it isn't really medically needed.

Anyone remember Jade Goodey who died of it in her 20s

XenoBitch · 04/12/2023 00:58

CallieQ · 04/12/2023 00:56

He's not right it's none of his business but you should go for smear tests ... why wouldn't you

Because it is none of your business too.

XenoBitch · 04/12/2023 01:02

CallieQ · 04/12/2023 00:58

90% of women who get HPV will clear themselves of it via their immune system. Out of the 10% that won't, it's a very tiny minority that will get any form of cancer from being infected. I'm making an informed decision to not get a smear. I had one when I got my coil fitted (for post menopausal protection). I'll get another when I need it changing. Other than that I won't and it isn't really medically needed.

Anyone remember Jade Goodey who died of it in her 20s

Jade was not a case of someone who ignored test reminders... she had symptoms etc.

Catsmere · 04/12/2023 01:04

CallieQ · 04/12/2023 00:56

He's not right it's none of his business but you should go for smear tests ... why wouldn't you

Because it's extremely painful and traumatic!

CallieQ · 04/12/2023 01:08

Because it is none of your business too.

What? This comment is irrelevant as the OP has posted on a public forum that makes it my business. What's it got to do with you anyway

CallieQ · 04/12/2023 01:08

Because it's extremely painful and traumatic!

I've had several with no problems

CallieQ · 04/12/2023 01:10

Jade was not a case of someone who ignored test reminders... she had symptoms etc.

You have no idea whether she went for tests or not

XenoBitch · 04/12/2023 01:11

CallieQ · 04/12/2023 01:08

Because it's extremely painful and traumatic!

I've had several with no problems

That is YOUR experience. Surely you can understand that your experience is not everyone elses.
For a lot of women, the very thought of smear test is traumatic. Maybe have a think about why.

XenoBitch · 04/12/2023 01:12

CallieQ · 04/12/2023 01:10

Jade was not a case of someone who ignored test reminders... she had symptoms etc.

You have no idea whether she went for tests or not

Google it.

Catsmere · 04/12/2023 01:27

CallieQ · 04/12/2023 01:08

Because it's extremely painful and traumatic!

I've had several with no problems

Good, but for many, many women that's not the case, as has been detailed here, repeatedly.

MaidOfSteel · 04/12/2023 01:27

His reaction and treatment of you has been very much over the top. Trying to force his beliefs on to you is not acceptable. You have your private, personal reasons and he is not respecting that.

I used to be sure I'd never miss a smear test but, after having learned on here that they don't even check for abnormal cells any more, I won't be bothering in future.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/12/2023 01:33

pussinboots61 · 03/12/2023 12:42

Thank you for all your replies. I am still upset about this and am finding it hard to move on from. This friend is more like a second Dad to me (my own parents have died sadly). In the summer he went to my doctors with me when I was having a meltdown with my anxiety. He was very popular at work and still is as people keep asking about him and inviting him to lunches etc. He's always been known as the nice guy who wouldn't hurt a fly so this is totally out of character so I am trying to make allowances. Had he just tried to badger me into having a smear test I could just tell him to stop going on about it and that be it but its the fact that he said he was going to unfriend me and that I had upset him in a big way that I am finding it hard to move on from.

This has set me back with my depression and I need to tell him how I feel but I don't want to rake it all up again. He was OK when met up yesterday.

He retired two weeks ago. By any chance was he management, or senior in some way? Used to having people follow his instructions? "He was very popular at work" - again, was he used to people dancing attendance on him?

I think this is related to his overreaction. He could be feeling adrift (because of his retirement - big lifestyle change) and is trying to anchor himself by telling you what to do in this overbearing way. Think about your past/work relationship with him - I expect this power dynamic has always existed in your friendship. You describe him as "more like a second Dad to me", which to some people would mean an authority figure. And I think he feels himself to be an authority figure too, but he doesn't have the authority that used to come with being your senior at work so he's using your anxiety against you to establish that position again.

Basically, HE is the problem, NOT you. And I'm sorry, but I think he is going to continue being the problem.Sad

CrunchyCarrot · 04/12/2023 01:44

Catsmere · 03/12/2023 19:52

My first was forced on me when I was in my twenties and didn't know doctors had no right to do that. She said she wouldn't prescribe the Pill if I didn't have it. It was so agonising I couldn't let her finish, and her comment afterward? "I didn't think any woman your age would be a virgin in this country."

It took thirty years before I had another and that was only because I had one random post-menopausal bleed. Fortunately the doctor was far more competent and decent than that godawful one.

Show quote history

I'm sorry you went through that. I remember going for my first pill prescription, I was about to get married and was still a virgin at 33. The GP I saw said I should have a smear test, I told her I was a virgin, she didn't seem to care about that, just said if I got cancer I would sue her if I hadn't had a test! I could never work out why I would do that when it was my decision not to do so.

Edit to reply to OP: I think your friend clearly cares about you a lot and wants you to be safe, that's why he has reacted so badly, but he is massively overstepping by telling you what to do with your own body.

Catsmere · 04/12/2023 01:53

@CrunchyCarrot you really have to wonder what some of these doctors do for brains.