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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with my friend - he is upset with me for not having a smear test

315 replies

pussinboots61 · 03/12/2023 00:17

This is a sensitive subject but here goes. I have never had a smear test. I do have reasons but I can't cope with the thoughts of it. I am now 62, been married twice, I haven't been sexually active for some time now.

I will go for other tests but refuse smears. I have a very close male friend who is more like family to me. I worked with him until he retired two weeks ago but we still keep in touch and meet up. I do rely on him a lot and he is very supportive.

The other night we were messaging each other and he just told me randomly about a doctor he had been listening to on the radio talking about smear tests. It was just a general chat and I just commented that I've never had one. He asked me why I am not concerned about my own body and why I won't go for a test and I just told him its something I have always feared.

Then he just went off on one about it, said I should look after myself but not only that, he said I had upset him very much. The conversation went very sparse after that and when I went to bed and messaged him goodnight he just said I had upset him in a big way.

The next day he continued to be off hand with me and when I asked him why he felt I had upset him he went on about how I don't care what happens to me and was on the verge of unfriending me the night before. I was stunned by this. I can understand him being concerned and maybe trying to persuade me to have a test but to want to fall out with me over it was baffling.

I ended up ringing him and then he told me that his Dad died from throat cancer, he had been a heavy smoker from a young age and at one time his GP had offered to give him tests to check if he was going develop cancer but he refused. He said it is now a sore point for him if anyone refuses to have tests. He said he will try and help me get over my fear of smear tests but wants me to have one because he doesn't want me to be in any danger.

I met my friend today for lunch and things were fine but I am still very hurt and upset by this. He wants me to tell him the reason why I am so scared but I don't want to talk about it. I have told him about other friends of mine who won't have certain tests, one of them won't have any test of any kind, she won't even do a urine sample for the doctor because she fears so much what they might find but he said that is them and I can't go on how other people are.

Is he right in being this way or am I overthinking it? I do suffer from depression and I was getting on a more even keel with some new medication I am on but this is setting me back again. I know he is concerned about me but this is just over the top.

OP posts:
kweeble · 03/12/2023 06:33

So does he believe women should be coerced into having gynae exams against their consent?
I would refuse to discuss this with him any more.

fairygalaxy · 03/12/2023 06:45

If it comes up again tell him to use his fucking brain to think why someone might not want something put up their vagina and that's the end of the discussion.

SutWytTi · 03/12/2023 06:52

allhellcantstopusnow · 03/12/2023 06:22

Where were all you "your body your choice" responders when women have posted previous threads about not wanting smears and have been patronised and harangued in the replies?

Oh, that's different. Women bullying women is completely different.

IncompleteSenten · 03/12/2023 06:55

I understand why anyone who cares about you would want you to take advantage of regular screenings that could potentially same your life but he has no right to make threats or demands.

I assume he goes for regular prostate exams? That's the first thing I'd be asking him.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 03/12/2023 07:01

I understand his concern especially given his history with family dying because they didn’t get tests but his reaction is OTT. I get you mentioned it not expecting such a reaction but I’d be more cautious in the future about bringing up something you don’t want to talk about.

Namechange4234 · 03/12/2023 07:02

Of course, your body your choice

I'm assuming, though, that should you get cervical cancer which, should it appear late on, will be stage 3 or 4, you'll expect the NHS to try to save your life at great cost?

Rather than a cheap and cheerful smear test?

But of course your body your choice

I think your friend is entitled to his opinion. You freely gave the information to him.

allhellcantstopusnow · 03/12/2023 07:09

@SutWytTi oh yes, silly me.

LostAtTheCrossRoad · 03/12/2023 07:19

I think you're an absolute fool not to have them, but I also firmly believe in your body your choice, so my opinion has no weight here. And nor does his. If he feels he can't be friends about it, wave him goodbye.

lemmein · 03/12/2023 07:35

Honestly, I wouldn't tolerate that level of interference from anybody about such a personal issue. It has nothing to do with him. His reaction would seriously put me off him. Who TF does he think he is?

I haven't had a smear for the last 10 years; I've never discussed it with anyone, not even my DH - not because it's a huge secret, but because it's my choice and has nothing to do with anybody else.

Id dump this friend tbh - he's massively overstepping and ignoring your boundaries/choices.

Shiningout · 03/12/2023 07:39

Honestly, I know he's out of order but I can kind of see where he's coming from. And I'll admit I do get a bit annoyed when I hear people refusing mammograms and smear tests having lost my parents to cancer and knowing how absolutely dreadful it's been, it's literally destroyed my life and I sometimes find it hard to understand why someone would refuse cancer screening if it's available. HOWEVER, I know this issue sits with me, and people should and quite rightly do have control and autonomy over their own bodies. And I've learnt to respect that and keep my gob shut.

HalebiHabibti · 03/12/2023 07:41

He is being a dick and somewhat controlling too. For an easy life I'd lie and say you're getting one done, then ask a female friend for details on what to say about it (if he is that nosy/intrusive).

whatchagonnado · 03/12/2023 07:41

He's worried about losing you to cancer having recently suffered a loss. Whilst his reaction is a bit OTT, the loss is probably a bit raw for him, which might explain that

Karwomannghia · 03/12/2023 07:44

It is up to you and he brought it up because it’s obviously a big thing for him.

I really didn’t want a smear test and had a huge anxieties about people looking at me. I was mid 20s. But I forced myself and I had pre cancerous cells and then had to have lots more investigations and the usual stuff. I didn’t really appreciate what it all meant at first and hated it but I’m glad I pushed myself to get over it.

betterangels · 03/12/2023 07:45

I have to have GA for mine because of pain, but they're lifesaving, so I choose to do that. I'm with your friend, but he's definitely wrong to think it's his business.

sorrynotathome · 03/12/2023 07:46

It’s not really about the smear test, is it? Chances are you won’t be invited again anyway, as at your age it’s every 5 years and finishes at 64 (UK). Perhaps it’s about you not taking up any kind of health screening. Will you do bowel screening? Are you anti-vax?

WhenLoveIsDone · 03/12/2023 07:47

Block.

ironixallyenough · 03/12/2023 07:53

Obviously he's had a very traumatic experience, losing his dad to cancer so it sounds as though he's trying to 'protect himself' from ever having to go through something like that again. Spoiler alert - sadly, he can't!
I think his reaction is extreme - he would cut you out of his life because of this? Ouch! Maybe he needs to explore grief counselling.

Your reasons are your own and you do not owe anyone an explanation about the choices you've made for yourself.

Justleaveitblankthen · 03/12/2023 08:01

This is so out of order!

What is he like in general with you? Do you have an equal friendship?
It should be you getting annoyed with him!

How fucking dare he say he nearly unfriended you because of what you choose to do or not do with your own body!

For the record, never missed a smear (and now Mammograms) in my life. Had precancerous cells back in my early 20's and was treated.
As I friend, I would tell you that, but would accept your body, your life.

Candleabra · 03/12/2023 08:02

Are his feelings more than just friends? Seems a very disproportionate response.

MiddleagedBeachbum · 03/12/2023 08:09

Your body, your choice.

This is also a GIANT red flag! Be warned, if you get past this. Something else will appear….

fairygalaxy · 03/12/2023 08:11

Namechange4234 · 03/12/2023 07:02

Of course, your body your choice

I'm assuming, though, that should you get cervical cancer which, should it appear late on, will be stage 3 or 4, you'll expect the NHS to try to save your life at great cost?

Rather than a cheap and cheerful smear test?

But of course your body your choice

I think your friend is entitled to his opinion. You freely gave the information to him.

I get your point but the point is it isn't "cheerful" for a lot of people.

fairygalaxy · 03/12/2023 08:12

LostAtTheCrossRoad · 03/12/2023 07:19

I think you're an absolute fool not to have them, but I also firmly believe in your body your choice, so my opinion has no weight here. And nor does his. If he feels he can't be friends about it, wave him goodbye.

Nasty. She has her reasons it's clearly traumatic for her.

Figgygal · 03/12/2023 08:15

I don't agree with your choice but its your right to make it and it's non of his business.
Many people would agree with him tbh so id move on and not let it ruin the friendship if its one you value

DropDeadFreida · 03/12/2023 08:16

Your 'friend' is an intrusive and insensitive bellend. It is your body and for him to go on and on about what is actually quite an invasive and in certain cases traumatic procedure is fucking outrageous. There are plenty of reasons why women don't have smear tests. Why does he think he has the right to private information about you and your vagina? How has he become so comfortable to interrogate you like this?

LostAtTheCrossRoad · 03/12/2023 08:17

fairygalaxy · 03/12/2023 08:12

Nasty. She has her reasons it's clearly traumatic for her.

Show quote history

Like I said, my personal opinion on her decision has no weight here, and nor does his. I've said exactly the same as lots of other posters. Go quite them by name too.