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Original poster

To be upset with my friend - he is upset with me for not having a smear test

315 replies

pussinboots61 · 03/12/2023 00:17

This is a sensitive subject but here goes. I have never had a smear test. I do have reasons but I can't cope with the thoughts of it. I am now 62, been married twice, I haven't been sexually active for some time now.

I will go for other tests but refuse smears. I have a very close male friend who is more like family to me. I worked with him until he retired two weeks ago but we still keep in touch and meet up. I do rely on him a lot and he is very supportive.

The other night we were messaging each other and he just told me randomly about a doctor he had been listening to on the radio talking about smear tests. It was just a general chat and I just commented that I've never had one. He asked me why I am not concerned about my own body and why I won't go for a test and I just told him its something I have always feared.

Then he just went off on one about it, said I should look after myself but not only that, he said I had upset him very much. The conversation went very sparse after that and when I went to bed and messaged him goodnight he just said I had upset him in a big way.

The next day he continued to be off hand with me and when I asked him why he felt I had upset him he went on about how I don't care what happens to me and was on the verge of unfriending me the night before. I was stunned by this. I can understand him being concerned and maybe trying to persuade me to have a test but to want to fall out with me over it was baffling.

I ended up ringing him and then he told me that his Dad died from throat cancer, he had been a heavy smoker from a young age and at one time his GP had offered to give him tests to check if he was going develop cancer but he refused. He said it is now a sore point for him if anyone refuses to have tests. He said he will try and help me get over my fear of smear tests but wants me to have one because he doesn't want me to be in any danger.

I met my friend today for lunch and things were fine but I am still very hurt and upset by this. He wants me to tell him the reason why I am so scared but I don't want to talk about it. I have told him about other friends of mine who won't have certain tests, one of them won't have any test of any kind, she won't even do a urine sample for the doctor because she fears so much what they might find but he said that is them and I can't go on how other people are.

Is he right in being this way or am I overthinking it? I do suffer from depression and I was getting on a more even keel with some new medication I am on but this is setting me back again. I know he is concerned about me but this is just over the top.

OP posts:
Original poster
pussinboots61 · 03/12/2023 12:42

Thank you for all your replies. I am still upset about this and am finding it hard to move on from. This friend is more like a second Dad to me (my own parents have died sadly). In the summer he went to my doctors with me when I was having a meltdown with my anxiety. He was very popular at work and still is as people keep asking about him and inviting him to lunches etc. He's always been known as the nice guy who wouldn't hurt a fly so this is totally out of character so I am trying to make allowances. Had he just tried to badger me into having a smear test I could just tell him to stop going on about it and that be it but its the fact that he said he was going to unfriend me and that I had upset him in a big way that I am finding it hard to move on from.

This has set me back with my depression and I need to tell him how I feel but I don't want to rake it all up again. He was OK when met up yesterday.

OP posts:
WalkingThroughTreacle · 03/12/2023 12:45

I couldn't even tell you when or if my wife last had a smear test. It's absolutely none of my business. The subject is not taboo and has come up in conversation once or thrice over the years but always at her instigation. My role is to listen when she wants me to, keep any opinions to myself unless explicitly asked for them and accept that her healthcare choices are hers to make. If she needs advice or guidance that is what her GP is there for. Triple that for my various female friends, colleagues and family members.

Your friend's tragic loss of his father to cancer does not give him license to massively overstep boundaries in the way that he has. I find it totally unacceptable. The root cause is his sense of entitlement to tell you what to do and he's using his father's death to justify that. It's not the behaviour of a nice person, no matter how he wraps it up. Let him carry out his threat to unfriend you if it comes to it. I wouldn't let threats like that bully me into compliance and you don't need friends who try and manipulate you like that.

DropDeadFreida · 03/12/2023 12:48

And for those who are wondering, I don't know if this is the case across the country but in my area, they test the sample for HPV and if it's negative they don't actually look at the cells. That's what happened to me in any case, and as I am HPV negative (and will remain so) I will not be having another smear test until that rule is changed.

DropDeadFreida · 03/12/2023 12:49

pussinboots61 · 03/12/2023 12:42

Thank you for all your replies. I am still upset about this and am finding it hard to move on from. This friend is more like a second Dad to me (my own parents have died sadly). In the summer he went to my doctors with me when I was having a meltdown with my anxiety. He was very popular at work and still is as people keep asking about him and inviting him to lunches etc. He's always been known as the nice guy who wouldn't hurt a fly so this is totally out of character so I am trying to make allowances. Had he just tried to badger me into having a smear test I could just tell him to stop going on about it and that be it but its the fact that he said he was going to unfriend me and that I had upset him in a big way that I am finding it hard to move on from.

This has set me back with my depression and I need to tell him how I feel but I don't want to rake it all up again. He was OK when met up yesterday.

I'm sorry but it sounds like you're an easy target for his anger and frustration. He knows your history and is using a moment of fragility on your part to his advantage.

SunnieShine · 03/12/2023 13:00

fairygalaxy · 03/12/2023 08:11

I get your point but the point is it isn't "cheerful" for a lot of people.

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Mine were agony so I stopped going.

crispcreambun · 03/12/2023 13:26

DropDeadFreida · 03/12/2023 12:48

And for those who are wondering, I don't know if this is the case across the country but in my area, they test the sample for HPV and if it's negative they don't actually look at the cells. That's what happened to me in any case, and as I am HPV negative (and will remain so) I will not be having another smear test until that rule is changed.

Do what you want but you are incorrect that HPV negative will definitely remain the case. The infection can lie dormant (be undetectable) for years and then become active (detectable) later. HPV neg just means it isn’t currently active in your body, it doesn’t mean you don’t have it.

YoureALizardHarry11 · 03/12/2023 13:30

Is there a possibility he is in love with you, OP? It seems an extreme reaction from someone who is a platonic friend. He’s very over protective and invested in your choices.

I know it might seem a bit of a reach! 🤣

miniegg3 · 03/12/2023 13:30

It's none of his business and you don't need to give him your reasons. I could understand if he was a husband and you had a family together.
He needs to stop banging on about it

DropDeadFreida · 03/12/2023 13:34

@crispcreambun if you read my post, I said that I will remain HPV negative, not that other people will (as I do not have access to other people's medical histories).

littleburn · 03/12/2023 13:39

Completely inappropriate and way overstepping appropriate boundaries. You have bodily autonomy. What you choose to do, or not do, with you body (more particularly your vagina) is your choice and none of his bloody business.

And how dare he demand to know why! Given the intrusive nature of a smear test, anyone with half a brain cell will know there are potentially highly personal reasons for not wanting one. That he is pushing to 'know why' and wants to help you 'get over' your fear gives me the absolute ick and suggests he isn't the nice, substitute father figure you think he is.

XenoBitch · 03/12/2023 14:40

Deathbyfluffy · 03/12/2023 08:43

Not really - there’s a huge drive for testicular checks etc these days too.
I’m a man and can’t seem to go a week without an advert telling me to check ‘down there!’

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That is totally different.
You can check your balls at home. Does your GP ask if you have been checking them when your appointment is for something totally unrelated? Do GP receptionists remind you to check when you are booking an appointment? Do you get letters in the post every few months about it? Do your fellow men harangue those who choose not to?
And in OP's case, do you have a friend who would end your friendship if you admitted you never checked them?

GrinchmasEve · 03/12/2023 15:07

He is VERY unreasonable for putting such pressure on you.

Honestly, I respect your freedom of choice. At the same time, I think it is foolish to refuse a smear test. I am speaking as someone who has likely had her life saved by them, despite being incredibly low risk.

Ponoka7 · 03/12/2023 15:35

NeedToChangeName · 03/12/2023 08:49

@Ponoka7 I'm interested to see this . Please could you explain the rationale? I'd love to not have another smear test

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I'm not doing anything that would put me at risk of catching HPV, so I don't need to be tested for it. So I don't need a smear.

Goatymum · 03/12/2023 15:41

he's obviously worried that by not going you won’t know if you’re at risk of getting cancer. Tbh they are much less grim now than they were 30 years ago. I just grin & bear it and it’s over in a couple of mins. It is up to you and he is overreacting, has he been for a prorate check as that’s prob the equivalent for men of a certain age!?

mummyh2016 · 03/12/2023 15:55

@Ponoka7 have you previously been sexually active?

NeedToChangeName · 03/12/2023 15:55

I thought HPV could renain dormant for years, so smears were still recommended even if not currently sexually active. But I will look into thus, thanks

crispcreambun · 03/12/2023 16:30

DropDeadFreida · 03/12/2023 13:34

@crispcreambun if you read my post, I said that I will remain HPV negative, not that other people will (as I do not have access to other people's medical histories).

I did read your post. Unless you're a virgin, this is not guaranteed. Even if you never have sex again.

Ollifer · 03/12/2023 16:51

NeedToChangeName · 03/12/2023 15:55

I thought HPV could renain dormant for years, so smears were still recommended even if not currently sexually active. But I will look into thus, thanks

Yes this is my understanding too, I've never been positive for hpv and asked the nurse this time if I really needed it again if no new partners and she said yes

Ohnoooooooo · 03/12/2023 16:51

DropDeadFreida · 03/12/2023 13:34

@crispcreambun if you read my post, I said that I will remain HPV negative, not that other people will (as I do not have access to other people's medical histories).

DropDeadFrieda - I am mid 50s and have always tested HPV negative - did not stop me developing CIN3 in my early 30s. My consultant works at Great Marsden and has recommended I continue with PAP smears every 5 years.

VioletSkies12 · 03/12/2023 16:54

Your body your choice.
It’s an invasive and often painful procedure. We all know it’s important but nobody should be judged for not going. I have never gone and am 38. Yes people may think I am reckless and stupid for that but it’s my choice.

PonyPatter44 · 03/12/2023 16:56

I get why he is upset- I would be upset if a friend said the same thing to me, and I would probably try to change their mind, because you know, they're my friend and I'd want to keep them in my life as long as possible.

However, the massive overreaction and threats of unfriending are just...odd.

Ponoka7 · 03/12/2023 17:24

mummyh2016 · 03/12/2023 15:55

@Ponoka7 have you previously been sexually active?

Yes, just pre menopause, nearly ten years ago I was.

mummyh2016 · 03/12/2023 17:43

@Ponoka7 are you aware HPV can lie dormant for years? I first tested positive for it in 2020, me and DH had been together 13 years at this point, I haven't slept with anyone else in that time and I have no reason to believe that DH has either.
If you don't want a smear that's up to you but it's wrong to think there is no way you will have HPV. I'm surprised the nurse didn't tell you this.

DropDeadFreida · 03/12/2023 17:55

@Ohnoooooooo I'm not sure if you saw my earlier post but where I am they literally do not test your sample if you're HPV negative, so it wouldn't matter how often I had a smear because for as long as I remain negative (which will be forever), my sample will not be tested for cancerous cells. So I am not prepared to keep putting myself through an invasive and traumatic procedure to tick a box when in my case I'm not even being tested.

DropDeadFreida · 03/12/2023 17:59

@crispcreambun and again, I am well aware of the literature and stand by my original point. This perfectly encapsulates the OP's original point. When a grown adult is saying that they have made an informed decision about their own body then maybe that should be respected?