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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you should feed guests if you've invited them

386 replies

Lizziebest · 02/12/2023 14:52

Visiting in laws today on a planned visit initiated by them. ILs are a bit odd about food and seem to eat tiny portions only in allocated slots e.g don't do lunch but breakfast at 7am and dinner at 6pm with coffees in between. When I've mentioned this being odd in the past they offer the thinnest sandwich I've ever seen so have given up trying to explain I think this is bonkers.

Usually I manage this by eating a lot before going but with a toddler and a baby I didn't eat any breakfast this morning. DH prepared all of the toddlers lunch and I didn't ask him to pack me anything. We arrived at 2. I'm starving. DH doesn't think this is weird and doesn't eat a lot himself but is happy to buy me food before and after. Sorely tempted to eat the left overs from toddlers fruit lunch and snacks.

Is it rude to pop out to the high street eat something and come back.

Aibu to think you feed people who you invite over?

I'm also breastfeeding!!

OP posts:
Behindyouiam · 02/12/2023 15:46

Punkkitty · 02/12/2023 15:44

Anyone coming to my home has drink/ tea/coffee/light bite like small sandwich/wheaten bread/sausage roll and then biscuits/buns/cake made automatically and put in front of them regardless of time of day.

I’m Irish though and my mother would disown me if she thought for a second I did not do this. Completely standard for me.

I wax so tempted to post to an earlier poster, were they Irish or Irish descent!

WinterDeWinter · 02/12/2023 15:46

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/12/2023 15:38

I don't think anyone is disagreeing with you! 99% of people would ask "how was your journey? Have you had lunch?" as soon as they stepped over the threshold. What people ARE saying, is that OP knows they don't do lunch and have tiny portions, are a bit wierd if you mention you are hungry etc etc, so why on earth did she turn up having missed 2 meals. Having turned down a maccies on the way? As daft as the inlaws.

Show quote history

Yes I see what you mean - but there’s still a strong victim-blamey tone, and MN is very tutty about food in general, and loves to see entitlement where there is just a quite normal expectation of decent human behaviour.

As I said in my earlier post, I think the ILs are rude twats who should be told (in less inflammatory words) that they diverge from the non-twatty norm so that in future they will be less rude and twatty. I don’t think the op should have to tiptoe round twathood, and I think that as in many instances of controlling behaviour, once you name it the controlling twat loses their power.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 02/12/2023 15:48

Your dh isn't amazing.. Sitting with a bf dw and no food and keeping quiet!!

AgnesX · 02/12/2023 15:48

If we know someone is coming we always have something to offer. What depends on the time and I wouldn't expect someone to spend most of the day without being offered food of some kind.

It's only good manners.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/12/2023 15:48

Punkkitty · 02/12/2023 15:44

Anyone coming to my home has drink/ tea/coffee/light bite like small sandwich/wheaten bread/sausage roll and then biscuits/buns/cake made automatically and put in front of them regardless of time of day.

I’m Irish though and my mother would disown me if she thought for a second I did not do this. Completely standard for me.

This isn't good hospitality. That is force feeding guests whether they want it or not. Making guests feel uncomfortable if they politely refuse something is not on. As I said a couple of posts ago, I had years of it with my MIL, looking askance at me if I said "no thankyou" when she put the biscuit tin in my face while we had a cuppa while visiting theirs, an hour after I'd had a massive breakfast at home and was stuffed.

rainbowstardrops · 02/12/2023 15:49

With all due respect, you sound bonkers!

You didn't eat breakfast. Fair enough, you were probably in a rush to get the two children sorted.

Your DH didn't pack any lunch for the pair of you. Why not? Presumably he knows you very well and knew you'd need food?

He offered you food on the way there but you turned him down and then you moan about the IL's eating habits even though you know what they're like!!!

You need to grow up!

I don't have biscuits or cake to hand as a rule because I don't eat them often. I also don't make myself hot drinks during the day, so you'd be doing well to get a cuppa out of me! 🤣

Unless you live hours away then I'd probably think to buy something in but I wouldn't if you were just popping in at 2pm for an hour or so.

Original poster
Lizziebest · 02/12/2023 15:49

Okay an update

I have eaten a panini and a packet of crisp and a banana (in the street)

I've also popped in to sainsburys and bought 2 full bags of food and snacks enough for me and toddler. I don't think I can cope with sitting in front of them and eating (as much as I'd like to show them the normal appetite of a breastfeeding woman) I'll just go in the bedroom and sort myself out under the guise of feeding the baby. I've got enough to keep me going until and after the tiny dinner.

I can guarantee there will be an odd atmosphere about me eating even though it will not have impacted them in anyway- they are playing with toddler and DH has the baby. It won't be comments which can be responded to fairly easily but an undertone.

OP posts:
DaisyAster · 02/12/2023 15:50

ohtowinthelottery · 02/12/2023 15:15

If I had guests arriving at 2pm from a long journey (which went over lunchtime) I'd check with them in advance if they were having lunch on the way of if they'd like something on arrival. But knowing that your inlaws don't seem to eat lunch you should have either brought something with you of grabbed something en route.

I agree, if I had guests arriving at 2pm and they'd travelled any distance, then I would know they'd travelled over lunchtime and probably wouldn't have eaten, and would check. Generally, I like guests to be comfortable, not stressing about feeding themselves a huge meal at 10am because they know there'll be nothing at mine until 7pm.

Original poster
Lizziebest · 02/12/2023 15:51

Punkkitty · 02/12/2023 15:44

Anyone coming to my home has drink/ tea/coffee/light bite like small sandwich/wheaten bread/sausage roll and then biscuits/buns/cake made automatically and put in front of them regardless of time of day.

I’m Irish though and my mother would disown me if she thought for a second I did not do this. Completely standard for me.

Sounds lively and so welcoming. You could teach my in laws a thing or two.

OP posts:
Punkkitty · 02/12/2023 15:51

@CurlyhairedAssassin
Doesn’t bother me if people don’t eat it or just want a glass of water or a tea or nothing. I will generally be having tea myself anyway while we chat etc so I just nibble at it and then put it away if no one fancies it. 🤷‍♀️

Behindyouiam · 02/12/2023 15:52

Lizziebest · 02/12/2023 15:49

Okay an update

I have eaten a panini and a packet of crisp and a banana (in the street)

I've also popped in to sainsburys and bought 2 full bags of food and snacks enough for me and toddler. I don't think I can cope with sitting in front of them and eating (as much as I'd like to show them the normal appetite of a breastfeeding woman) I'll just go in the bedroom and sort myself out under the guise of feeding the baby. I've got enough to keep me going until and after the tiny dinner.

I can guarantee there will be an odd atmosphere about me eating even though it will not have impacted them in anyway- they are playing with toddler and DH has the baby. It won't be comments which can be responded to fairly easily but an undertone.

Oh god! You're staying for dinner?

Will it be a Mumsnet chicken that will need to serve four adults plus a toddler and then last the rest of the week for the ILs?

Sirzy · 02/12/2023 15:53

Lizziebest · 02/12/2023 15:49

Okay an update

I have eaten a panini and a packet of crisp and a banana (in the street)

I've also popped in to sainsburys and bought 2 full bags of food and snacks enough for me and toddler. I don't think I can cope with sitting in front of them and eating (as much as I'd like to show them the normal appetite of a breastfeeding woman) I'll just go in the bedroom and sort myself out under the guise of feeding the baby. I've got enough to keep me going until and after the tiny dinner.

I can guarantee there will be an odd atmosphere about me eating even though it will not have impacted them in anyway- they are playing with toddler and DH has the baby. It won't be comments which can be responded to fairly easily but an undertone.

How long are you staying for?

I assumed it was just a day visit but needing two bags of snacks for a few hours seems extreme!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/12/2023 15:53

Yes, OP, you need to update the thread later and tell us what is offered for dinner!

WinterDeWinter · 02/12/2023 15:53

As I said op, they equate consumption with moral laxity.

the whispers are absolutely awful - and your DH should absolutely tackle it out loud. He needs to tell them that it’s them that have disordered eating and are ignoring social norms, and they are not to punish his wife for being completely and utterly normal. Don’t let him attach it to breastfeeding - that make is more insane, for sure, but it would still be awful if you weren’t.

I really hate this punishment of women - because it always does seem to be women who are bullied by people like this for having bodies.

isthismylifenow · 02/12/2023 15:54

WinterDeWinter · 02/12/2023 15:46

Yes I see what you mean - but there’s still a strong victim-blamey tone, and MN is very tutty about food in general, and loves to see entitlement where there is just a quite normal expectation of decent human behaviour.

As I said in my earlier post, I think the ILs are rude twats who should be told (in less inflammatory words) that they diverge from the non-twatty norm so that in future they will be less rude and twatty. I don’t think the op should have to tiptoe round twathood, and I think that as in many instances of controlling behaviour, once you name it the controlling twat loses their power.

Show quote history

There is no victim or blaming going on.

OP is an adult who didn't eat even when offered. How is she a 'victim' here ?

TheFormidableMrsC · 02/12/2023 15:55

I would always offer to food to anybody who had travelled to visit us. Always. It's good manners. In my family it would be completely normal to ask somebody if they'd like something to eat. So I think it's weird and I'd go and get loads of lovely nibbles and eat them all for yourself.

Powertoyou · 02/12/2023 15:56

Exactly the same in my home and my relations. You would be shamed if no food was offered. Food will just appear.

babbi · 02/12/2023 15:56

@Punkkitty
This is exactly my family (Scots/Irish ).
The absolute shaming we would have to endure for not feeding and offering a drop to visitors would be monumental.
I even have breakfast or sandwiches etc prepared and ready for delivery men beginning items .. E.g new washing machine etc .
It’s simply what we do !

Punkkitty · 02/12/2023 15:56

@Lizziebest call over anytime!
It was always like that for me growing up. When I was a wee girl my mum would say ‘Run in and put on the kettle pet’ while she chatted to visitors and that was the cue for the tea. All my aunts and uncles did the same and as kids we loved it cos we knew there would be treats!

Fimofriend · 02/12/2023 15:57

"Depends on what time they invited you for"????? What utter rubbish is that?
You ALWAYS offer a guest something to eat and drink. ALWAYS!

NotEvenThought · 02/12/2023 15:58

There is nothing odd with your PILs eating. Im not sure why posters are calling their eating disordered when it's the OP that seems to have the wacky eating.

I like a lunch but my husband rarely has one. I also wouldn't feed someone who arrived at 2. I

You say your husband is lovely but why doesn't he sort out some food.

isthismylifenow · 02/12/2023 15:59

Lizziebest · 02/12/2023 15:49

Okay an update

I have eaten a panini and a packet of crisp and a banana (in the street)

I've also popped in to sainsburys and bought 2 full bags of food and snacks enough for me and toddler. I don't think I can cope with sitting in front of them and eating (as much as I'd like to show them the normal appetite of a breastfeeding woman) I'll just go in the bedroom and sort myself out under the guise of feeding the baby. I've got enough to keep me going until and after the tiny dinner.

I can guarantee there will be an odd atmosphere about me eating even though it will not have impacted them in anyway- they are playing with toddler and DH has the baby. It won't be comments which can be responded to fairly easily but an undertone.

So they will be feeding you? Supper.

So you were expecting lunch after lunch hours and are already disapproving of the supper they wil be offering you.

WinterDeWinter · 02/12/2023 15:59

@isthismylifenow she’s a victim of their abnormal rudeness. She’s being blames for not diverting from her own normal behaviour (“no we’d best not stop because we’re late - I’ll just grab a snack at your folks”)in order to accommodate their bad behaviour.

Smugandproud · 02/12/2023 15:59

@Lizziebest my dh would have just gone into his parent’s kitchen and found me a snack.
Although his db and dsil are a bit like your in-laws.
We once travelled nearly 4 hours on Boxing Day to a planned lunch at their home. As it was such a distance we didn’t even stop for a drink as we didn’t want to be late. At dbil’s my dh went into kitchen and asked if he could make himself and me a cup of tea.
No, was the answer, we’ve had a cup of tea but you can have a glass of water.
They also made us wait from mid morning until 6 pm to eat anything after picking us up from an airport ( we had taken our dn with our dd on holiday).

abominablesnowman · 02/12/2023 16:00

It's always interesting the cultural divide in this threads. I wouldn't think to offer guests food if I hadn't already known they were coming for food, especially as I don't know what they might want.
I'm autistic, so if I was going somewhere for food, I would want to know exactly what we were eating, and would bring my own otherwise. It's bizarre to me that people would just turn up with no idea what food they might have and just expect food.