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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you should feed guests if you've invited them

386 replies

Lizziebest · 02/12/2023 14:52

Visiting in laws today on a planned visit initiated by them. ILs are a bit odd about food and seem to eat tiny portions only in allocated slots e.g don't do lunch but breakfast at 7am and dinner at 6pm with coffees in between. When I've mentioned this being odd in the past they offer the thinnest sandwich I've ever seen so have given up trying to explain I think this is bonkers.

Usually I manage this by eating a lot before going but with a toddler and a baby I didn't eat any breakfast this morning. DH prepared all of the toddlers lunch and I didn't ask him to pack me anything. We arrived at 2. I'm starving. DH doesn't think this is weird and doesn't eat a lot himself but is happy to buy me food before and after. Sorely tempted to eat the left overs from toddlers fruit lunch and snacks.

Is it rude to pop out to the high street eat something and come back.

Aibu to think you feed people who you invite over?

I'm also breastfeeding!!

OP posts:
leilani83 · 02/12/2023 15:22

They should be mortified that you're having to run around the high st looking for food - what a strange family!

Behindyouiam · 02/12/2023 15:22

@keye its infantilising, its caring ...

leilani83 · 02/12/2023 15:23

keye · 02/12/2023 15:21

Why do you think it is rude to suggest a breastfeeding mother is more responsible for eating her bloody breakfast/lunch than her DH or in laws?

She is a grown adult. The 'oh especially as you are breastfeeding' is infantilising.

Show quote history

If you invite people over you should look after them - basic manners. Especially a BFing mother, nothing infantilising about that!

keye · 02/12/2023 15:24

Behindyouiam · 02/12/2023 15:22

@keye its infantilising, its caring ...

It's infantalising to suggest they should take over responsibility for OP eating.

I understand what you mean about caring but to absolve OP of all responsibility is utterly ridiculous.

She is a grown adult who made her choices

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/12/2023 15:24

OP, they may behave wierdly around food but so do you! You didn't think to eat anything at all before turning up at their house at 2pm, KNOWING they don't usually eat lunch? More fool you!

SouthLondonMum22 · 02/12/2023 15:25

leilani83 · 02/12/2023 15:23

If you invite people over you should look after them - basic manners. Especially a BFing mother, nothing infantilising about that!

Show quote history

2pm isn't a meal time though. How are they supposed to know that OP has had nothing at all to eat by that time?

keye · 02/12/2023 15:25

@leilani83

I wasn't saying it's infantalising to offer food, I'm saying it is infantilising to suggest they are more responsible than OP for ensuring she eats.

Stresa22 · 02/12/2023 15:25

My in-laws were like this. My DH and I started bringing a bag of fruit, cheese, and bread “to add to the groceries for the weekend.” It didn’t feel as awkward to grab something that we’d brought with us l

LBFseBrom · 02/12/2023 15:26

I would offer something, always said, "Are you hungry/have you eaten? I can rustle you up a snack in no time", and give them soup, a sandwich, cheese and biscuits, fruit or whatever and a cup of tea or coffee. It does seem odd, rather inhospitable, but you know them of old and perhaps it would have been wise to have had a little bit of breakfast quickly and to take something for yourself to eat later.

Now I am oldish, I want to eat something every four hours unless I am asleep.

leilani83 · 02/12/2023 15:26

SouthLondonMum22 · 02/12/2023 15:25

2pm isn't a meal time though. How are they supposed to know that OP has had nothing at all to eat by that time?

Show quote history

Well they might consider that with a baby and a toddler things don't always go according to plan...and that women need more food when BFing.

Behindyouiam · 02/12/2023 15:27

@keye they are grown adults that understand that they've invited guests to their home? If I invite guests to my home, I make them welcome, I ask what their needs are requirements are. They won't be the same as mine, but they'll be accommodated, because they're a guest in my home.

Of course OP could've brought a meal, done a roast etc, do you think the ILs would welcome that?

Notcontent · 02/12/2023 15:27

What I find odd is that you can’t just ask to help yourself to some food. When I am staying with my parents I don’t even need to ask - I just eat whatever and whenever I want to (except obviously things set aside for a particular meal).

Behindyouiam · 02/12/2023 15:28

keye · 02/12/2023 15:25

@leilani83

I wasn't saying it's infantalising to offer food, I'm saying it is infantilising to suggest they are more responsible than OP for ensuring she eats.

It's their home, it's their guests.

They are supposed to be entertaining?

WinterDeWinter · 02/12/2023 15:28

arethereanyleftatall · 02/12/2023 15:01

This problem was caused entirely by you not eating breakfast or lunch before 2pm.

Nein. The problem was caused by her selfish ILs inflicting their own disordered eating, in which food consumption seems to be inversely related to moral value, on others.

Just say it out loud @Lizziebest

‘right then, like most people I eat at lunchtime, and you’ll be aware that this is all the more important because what I eat affects the baby. We were travelling at lunchtime today. If there’s no food available , we’ll need to go out and get some - shall I go or can someone else?’

MrsKeats · 02/12/2023 15:28

My in laws are like this.
We usually go to a drive through on the way home!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/12/2023 15:29

We drove past a McDonald's DH offered to stop but I stupidly said no not wanting to be late, with no plan on dealing with the hunger later.

Not wanting to be late for what? It wasn't lunch, clearly, as you said they don't usually have it. So what were you worried about being late FOR?

gotomomo · 02/12/2023 15:29

Arriving at 2 I wouldn't expect to provide a meal until 6.30/7 for guests but would provide a snack eg bake a cake. If people wanted lunch I'd expect them to be arriving around midday

keye · 02/12/2023 15:29

Behindyouiam · 02/12/2023 15:27

@keye they are grown adults that understand that they've invited guests to their home? If I invite guests to my home, I make them welcome, I ask what their needs are requirements are. They won't be the same as mine, but they'll be accommodated, because they're a guest in my home.

Of course OP could've brought a meal, done a roast etc, do you think the ILs would welcome that?

I'm not suggesting OP should make a roast dinner? Where are you getting that from?

I'm saying OP is the most responsible out of everyone involved for her own eating.

She chose to skip breakfast, then lunch and turned down a McDonald's.

So while it would be nice for the in laws to offer something, at 2pm i would assume any grown adult, particularly a breastfeeding one, had eaten something

Sirzy · 02/12/2023 15:30

So you didn’t bother to feed yourself but then get annoyed with them for not feeding you?

away from traditional mealtimes I wouldn’t expect to be fed.

Original poster
Lizziebest · 02/12/2023 15:30

Wendysfriend · 02/12/2023 15:19

I hate this, sitting there starving. I feed everyone who visits, whatever the time I make something suitable, I would absolutely die if someone was sitting there hungry.

People are busy rushing around with young kids, sometimes there's not enough time to make food and eat before you leave to visit someone. You'd at least expect a biscuit and cuppa when visiting.

I have relatives like this, they'd invite us over and nothing... absolutely nothing offered, they'd delay their dinner so as not to feed you. We'd offer to buy takeaway etc but they don't eat "unhealthy food" like this, so when I use to visit them I'd stick bars of chocolate in the baby bag and eat them in the bathroom 😳, I'd pretend to be changing one of the kids nappies 🤣 it was just to take away the grumbling in my stomach. Now I just don't visit them.

Wendy this really made me laugh as I'm scoffing a panini in the street. As pp have been keen to say yes this is definitely my own fault and the result of bad planning but sometimes the day can run away from you.

I would have been happy to host too but they don't enjoy visits- probably all the food I offer and enjoy.

I think I am just shocked by the miserliness of it tbh. I know if I arrived at a friend's house having missed two meals I would say immediately "I'm starving let's order something" and would be happy to pay because it's my fault for missing meals.

If I suggested that here they would just be so awkward and weird about it and make it seem like id suggested something so alien.

It just made me wonder how many people routinely don't offer anything to guests.

OP posts:
leilani83 · 02/12/2023 15:30

Do people here not remember what it was like with a baby (and a toddler too)?

ShippingNews · 02/12/2023 15:30

arethereanyleftatall · 02/12/2023 15:01

This problem was caused entirely by you not eating breakfast or lunch before 2pm.

This. You knew what to expect but you didn't eat anything, and didn't ask your dh to pack you something when he was making food for your toddler.

Behindyouiam · 02/12/2023 15:31

@keye I would assume that anyone that's a guest in my home is given exactly what they need. Particularly a breastfeeding mother and a toddler.

To not even ask is in my opinion rude and unwelcoming.

WinterDeWinter · 02/12/2023 15:31

I do think that lots of this mad shit is a bit like the reverse of a fairy tale where if you say it out loud, the goblin appears. Once someone has been brave enough to name it, it loses all its power / just goes ‘pouf’.

LolaSmiles · 02/12/2023 15:32

2pm is after lunch so no i wouldn't expect to provide anything more than biscuits at that time.
You know you're breastfeeding
You know you'll be hungry
You know you didn't have breakfast
You know they don't eat

Agree with this.
I'd not expect to be feeding people who arrive at 2pm unless they were staying for dinner. I'd have some biscuits to go with a cup of tea or coffee though.

This whole thing seems to boil down to "adult didn't eat properly and is annoyed different adults didn't think to feed her mid afternoon".