AIBU to think you should feed guests if you've invited them

[Lizziebest]

Visiting in laws today on a planned visit initiated by them. ILs are a bit odd about food and seem to eat tiny portions only in allocated slots e.g don't do lunch but breakfast at 7am and dinner at 6pm with coffees in between. When I've mentioned this being odd in the past they offer the thinnest sandwich I've ever seen so have given up trying to explain I think this is bonkers.

Usually I manage this by eating a lot before going but with a toddler and a baby I didn't eat any breakfast this morning. DH prepared all of the toddlers lunch and I didn't ask him to pack me anything. We arrived at 2. I'm starving. DH doesn't think this is weird and doesn't eat a lot himself but is happy to buy me food before and after. Sorely tempted to eat the left overs from toddlers fruit lunch and snacks.

Is it rude to pop out to the high street eat something and come back.

Aibu to think you feed people who you invite over?

I'm also breastfeeding!!

Do people here not remember what it was like with a baby (and a toddler too)?

Yes, which is why I know I wouldn't have left the house without eating in the first place, and that I would always have things like cereal bars in the pram bag, and that I wouldn't have turned down the offer of stopping off for food before arriving.

If one of my guests expresses hunger at any time of day or night in my house, I offer them food. I thought that was normal?

I either make them something, offer snacks, or if it's an overnight guest/someone I know well, I let them know where the bread/butter/cheese/salad/jam etc is so they can help themselves to tea and toast or a sandwich outside of meal times. I usually keep non-dairy substitutes in the cupboard too in case they're needed. I can't understand how a host would be okay with hungry guests!

If they were pregnant/breastfeeding/diabetic/had any particular need to eat regularly that I knew of, I'd make doubly sure to stock up in advance with snacks if I wasn't planning on cooking.

This way of thinking actually helps me keep a decent stock of easy to prepare food in the cupboards, which really helps ward off the temptation to get a takeaway when I'm really tired.

OP you are not being unreasonable by having normal human needs. Go get yourself some food, and don't worry about what your lax hosts think - they are aren't worrying about you!

I do think it's a bit strange that your husband doesn't offer to make you anything or mention to his parents that guests need feeding. I would have thought that he would feel comfortable enough to make food in their kitchen for you, esp knowing this is a repeat occurrence.

I wouldn't expect to be fed at any time if I was going for a short visit. So if I was arriving at 2 and leaving at 5 I'd eat before I left and when we got back . If I was arriving at 2and staying overnight I'd assume there would be an evening meal

They are very strict about arriving at the time that has been requested and are a punctual family. I guess they don't want us to be late so we can all sit and chat while everyone's ignores my running tummy.

Love, you really need to take ownership over yourself. you know food is an issue at their home, so why aren’t you going prepared?

Yes, if you were invited to mine I’d have offered you something to eat, specially if it was pre planned, but I don’t think everyone does that.

I wasn’t a huge snacker before I had a baby and was breastfeeding, but now I am, and I always, always make sure I’ve eaten or have snacks for me and my toddler available. What everyone else does is t of my concern!

You have to be prepared. What if your car broke down and it was hours before help arrived?

I remember taking secret oatcakes to my in-laws when I was breastfeeding as they served such small meals. I’d feed the baby while eating them.

I think some older people just have much smaller appetites. My in-laws are lovely (and do often offer cake and biscuits). I was just ravenous 😂

Exactly this.

Unless you're explicitly inviting them for a meal I wouldn't usually think they would need to provide food.

Added to that, you know they eat very little and yet still expected feeding. Take your own sandwich.

This, plus she turned down the offer to stop and get food on the way 🤣 I’m struggling to see that the in-laws have done anything wrong as it’s no different to what the OP should expect based on past experience. Therefore it’s on her to feed herself (which to be fair she has acknowledged already).

There’s no circumstance in which I wouldn’t offer some kind of sustenance to someone who has travelled to see me. Literally none. Surely it’s how you show your appreciation of their effort? Mumsnet is so odd on this issue, in RL it’s basic a basic global rule of hospitality no matter how poor.

I'd basically take a picnic with me

Stop trying to be be polite

In my extended family you would be offered soup, a sandwich and cake regardless of what time you arrived. If you were breastfeeding you’d be offered something else as soon as you’d finished eating the first offering!

If you've been there more than twice and know their habits then YABU not to just take what you need with you.

I second that. I would always offer food and drinks. As would my family.

also all the people saying OP should have gone prepared I think you are being a bit harsh. She has a baby and a toddler so I imagine getting ready is quite a rush. I get too that weird atmosphere that some people create around food. That kind of well we are not hungry how can you possibly be. I think it is hurtful just let the person eat.

definitely go and buy something OP

I don't think anyone is disagreeing with you! 99% of people would ask "how was your journey? Have you had lunch?" as soon as they stepped over the threshold. What people ARE saying, is that OP knows they don't do lunch and have tiny portions, are a bit wierd if you mention you are hungry etc etc, so why on earth did she turn up having missed 2 meals. Having turned down a maccies on the way? As daft as the inlaws.

Visitors are always offered food in our home.

2pm is still lunchtime imo and dependant on where visitors are travelling from they may have not eaten lunch.

With that said, you know what your inlaws are like so poor planning on your part.

So your dh took the kids this morning so you could do what you needed. Then you still didn’t eat. Then he said let’s stop and get something you said no. You knew how the IL are about food and didn’t think to take something. Plus your there after meal time so that. But you think it’s not right that they didn’t offer something to you.
my dear this is a you problem. Different people do things differently and you knew that. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. And then every time someone say well this or that you make another excuse and put it on the ILs. This is not them this is YOU!!

Yabu pandering to this shit.. Turn up with a meal deal or a full on fish supper
..

There's a possible MIL would drop dead if I did this. I think as the matriarch she sees this as her domain. E.g.I have taken a huge water bottle and when she sees it's running low she offers to fill it up for me I suspect so I don't go in to kitchen. The whole thing is weird tbh. Luckily Dh is amazing.

Conversely, I hope all the self-proclaimed "feeders" on this thread are happy with a "no, I'm fine thanks, I ate a big breakfast and I'm not hungry" and don't try to just present their guests with a plate of food and insist that you eat it? Had that for years with my MIL, she looks actually angry if you don't eat, it's really off-putting!

Yes ,this.
For 2pm arrivals I'd be asking if they'd had lunch yet, did they want a sandwich/toast etc.
I'm quite shocked to think that no one is offering a breastfeeding mother food, and that she's had to go out and get some herself.
DH needs to step up and go to his parents kitchen and get some food for his wife who is feeding his baby.

I have a relative who doesn't eat lunch - we always meet out somewhere and he'll have a coffee whilst we have drinks and nibbles. We sort lunch out as needed for little ones/anyone else.

You can’t have your cake and eat it too. 😆Don't torture poor hungry OP!

Anyone coming to my home has drink/ tea/coffee/light bite like small sandwich/wheaten bread/sausage roll and then biscuits/buns/cake made automatically and put in front of them regardless of time of day.

I’m Irish though and my mother would disown me if she thought for a second I did not do this. Completely standard for me.

Exactly.