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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you should feed guests if you've invited them

386 replies

Lizziebest · 02/12/2023 14:52

Visiting in laws today on a planned visit initiated by them. ILs are a bit odd about food and seem to eat tiny portions only in allocated slots e.g don't do lunch but breakfast at 7am and dinner at 6pm with coffees in between. When I've mentioned this being odd in the past they offer the thinnest sandwich I've ever seen so have given up trying to explain I think this is bonkers.

Usually I manage this by eating a lot before going but with a toddler and a baby I didn't eat any breakfast this morning. DH prepared all of the toddlers lunch and I didn't ask him to pack me anything. We arrived at 2. I'm starving. DH doesn't think this is weird and doesn't eat a lot himself but is happy to buy me food before and after. Sorely tempted to eat the left overs from toddlers fruit lunch and snacks.

Is it rude to pop out to the high street eat something and come back.

Aibu to think you feed people who you invite over?

I'm also breastfeeding!!

OP posts:
Tooshytoshine · 02/12/2023 16:00

My in laws are like this. I eat secret food (and drink secret wine when we stay).

They have set times for hot drinks too and if you arrive at a time that is in-between the hot drink times then you have to wait to save boiling the kettle twice.

OneMoreStepAlongTheRoadIGo · 02/12/2023 16:04

I'd always offer a cup of tea but I often meet up with people mid morning or after lunch and it would be odd to offer/be offered a meal then. Truly odd. Never have I experienced this!

It really is the OP with some disordered attitudes to eating here. Her husband sorted kids in the momring so she had time to eat.her husband offered to stop St maccyDs so she had time to eat. She has not eaten all day despite her husbands attempts. Why?!

Honestly going forwards prioritise mealtimes .

wineoclock90 · 02/12/2023 16:06

YADNBU breastfeeding mama needs to eat more than anyone else.

Sirzy · 02/12/2023 16:07

wineoclock90 · 02/12/2023 16:06

YADNBU breastfeeding mama needs to eat more than anyone else.

Then she should make sure she eats and not “forget” then blame others.

Businessflake · 02/12/2023 16:07

This is totally on you today OP. Who arrives at 2pm expecting to be given lunch? It’s not their fault you didn’t eat breakfast or lunch.

WinterDeWinter · 02/12/2023 16:09

Neuro diversity aside, it’s a mark of basic kindness and a globally accepted social norm to offer someone who has travelled to see you a snack just in case they are hungry. They can always refuse and it doesn’t have to be fancy. Some toast, biscuits, crackers and cheese, that kind of thing.

The alternative means that you don’t care if your guests are physically uncomfortable in your house, which is pretty awful and the opposite of kindness/hospitality.

Jasmine876 · 02/12/2023 16:11

I genuinely think it’s odd that you have arrived at 2pm, having not eaten, and are moaning 52 minutes into your visit that you are starving and that it’s your IL’s fault. If you know they don’t serve lunch then why would you not eat before going? Or take something with you?

BeFrankforonce · 02/12/2023 16:12

This thread has honestly been an eye opener for me, starting with the early poster who said they "might" offer "a" warmed mince pie. Just thinking about context. These are guests. Who they've invited. To their house. One of whom is BFing and has young children (ie expending huge amounts of energy and having a lot to do to get everyone packed up and in the car, which often means compromising on food). And they get nothing from the inlaws... And a few PPs say the same.

I didn't know people like this existed. Same as your family, OP, in mine, you put the kettle on as your guest comes and you always, always offer food. People can say no if they aren't hungry. At 2pm, I'd expect to offer things like biscuits, cake, and seasonal stuff like mince pies. I'd put a plate out.

Since you are BFing I'd also have asked do you want a massive cold drink and a big sandwich as well (even if you've just eaten lunch) because isn't it common sense to ppl who've had kids that when BFing you're thirsty and extra-hungry most of the time?

All this talk of people routinely not eating lunch and having set times for hot drinks, I feel like I've encountered aliens.

Takenoprisoner · 02/12/2023 16:12

WinterDeWinter · 02/12/2023 15:35

There’s no circumstance in which I wouldn’t offer some kind of sustenance to someone who has travelled to see me. Literally none. Surely it’s how you show your appreciation of their effort? Mumsnet is so odd on this issue, in RL it’s basic a basic global rule of hospitality no matter how poor.

God yeah. there was that other batshit thread where someone travelled with their dc for 3 hours to see family and wasn't offered a biscuit with their tea. And posters kept asking, 'what was the context?' 'had you discussed food before going to visit', etc etc. fgs

Kirstyshine · 02/12/2023 16:13

abominablesnowman · 02/12/2023 16:00

It's always interesting the cultural divide in this threads. I wouldn't think to offer guests food if I hadn't already known they were coming for food, especially as I don't know what they might want.
I'm autistic, so if I was going somewhere for food, I would want to know exactly what we were eating, and would bring my own otherwise. It's bizarre to me that people would just turn up with no idea what food they might have and just expect food.

This is unusual too, though, to me: I’d not expect to be asked exactly what I was going to give you for dinner, only any dietary requirements/allergies. (I wouldn’t mind being more specific if it eased your anxiety, not at all, but I would see that as a ‘you issue’ I’d be happy to work with to make you comfortable.)

Lovesacake · 02/12/2023 16:14

My MIL always offers food and then gasps in horror if you eat it, along with comments like ‘I can’t believe you’re eating all that’ (‘all that’ will be e.g a sandwich or a sausage roll).
so I’m another who takes a giant bag of snacks to secretly eat in the bedroom!

SutWytTi · 02/12/2023 16:15

WinterDeWinter · 02/12/2023 16:09

Neuro diversity aside, it’s a mark of basic kindness and a globally accepted social norm to offer someone who has travelled to see you a snack just in case they are hungry. They can always refuse and it doesn’t have to be fancy. Some toast, biscuits, crackers and cheese, that kind of thing.

The alternative means that you don’t care if your guests are physically uncomfortable in your house, which is pretty awful and the opposite of kindness/hospitality.

I agree.

If I knew I was visiting food-withholding weirdos I would pack a hamper, but I would always offer someone food if they had travelled. Even people from round the corner get offered biscuits etc.

AgreeWithPP · 02/12/2023 16:15

How long are you staying? If overnight I can understand the groceries, but if only a day visit I would find it bizarre if a guest needed to go out for a food shop just after arriving.

You were invited for after lunch time (in most places), and will be getting dinner (even if inadequate by your standards), so there should be no need for a whole song and dance about buying food. I get that you are hungry, but that is on you, not them.
I always have biscuits etc and would offer food if people happened to come over during a mealtime/are invited for a meal. If I specifically invite someone for 2pm/8pm without saying it is for a meal and they arrive starving I would not be impressed.

Kisskiss · 02/12/2023 16:16

If you arrive at 2, expecting lunch, that’s really unusual in most households.
They do seem to have a pattern for being inhospitable to guests but not offering lunch for a 2pm visit is probably quite normal!

thing47 · 02/12/2023 16:17

Always tea, coffee and soft drinks on offer here 24/7. But if I invited guests for 2pm I wouldn't be serving lunch, nor would I be expecting any if I was invited somewhere at that time. I would see that as a time deliberately chosen so as not to include lunch, sorry.

What I actually think is much odder is being expected to adhere to some strict arrival time when you have a baby and a toddler to manage and there are no particular time-dependent plans anyway. Bollocks to that.

Crunchymum · 02/12/2023 16:19

There is no way when I was BF'ing I'd have been able to forgo breakfast or leave the house for the afternoon without snacks. Especially not when I was visiting people who don't feed me. I'd have packed a bag full of HobNobs and Kettle Chips (my BF'ing faves!)

I know it's tough with a toddler and a baby but how can you miss two meals? 😕

Glad you've eaten now.

rasellagirl · 02/12/2023 16:20

Definitely weird. I’m always thinking about the next meal.

Draconis · 02/12/2023 16:22

What is all this good weirdness?
If someone was visiting me, I'd have food for them depending on the times.
It's usual to skip a meal due to lack of time when you're rushing to go somewhere so I'd always check if they were hungry at 2pm.
I'd actually ask and say "have you had lunch?"

If not, then I'd give them something.

Draconis · 02/12/2023 16:23

Should say food weirdness

SequentialAnalyst · 02/12/2023 16:26

These differences in household schedules, hospitality etiquette, and unspoken household rules are often the source of difficulties in relationships.

For instance, guests never wash up in my house. But that was the norm in Lovely Man's house - the guests washed up as a thankyou. As I am not the most aware of people, it might take me some time to realise that I had transgressed some rule that was simply taken for granted. (I usually did eventually, and usually sorted it!)

Add in the fact that the other household is that of your in-laws, and I would agree that never going unprepared on a visit is the best way of tackling this. I suppose at least there is a kind of unspoken shared assumption that those who set the rules for their household are the ones who should say what goes.

The problem is when the household rules do not include varying mealtimes, or offering food to hungry visitors. BrewBrewCakeCake

YireosDodeAver · 02/12/2023 16:29

Lizziebest · 02/12/2023 15:49

Okay an update

I have eaten a panini and a packet of crisp and a banana (in the street)

I've also popped in to sainsburys and bought 2 full bags of food and snacks enough for me and toddler. I don't think I can cope with sitting in front of them and eating (as much as I'd like to show them the normal appetite of a breastfeeding woman) I'll just go in the bedroom and sort myself out under the guise of feeding the baby. I've got enough to keep me going until and after the tiny dinner.

I can guarantee there will be an odd atmosphere about me eating even though it will not have impacted them in anyway- they are playing with toddler and DH has the baby. It won't be comments which can be responded to fairly easily but an undertone.

Well done.

No lie. If you are breastfeeding then feeding yourself is part of feeding your baby.

daisychain01 · 02/12/2023 16:29

Next time they invite you over, I'd make up a full roast dinner with all the trimmings in microwaveable containers and ask to heat it up in the microwave, Then pull out plates and cutlery and dish it all up and eat it.

only half kidding ....

i can't imagine not giving guests food if I'dinvited them for a visit, commensurate for the time of day, but then again there are some bloody weird people I read about on here who are either tight as a duck's proverbial or lacking in the most basic of social skills (or both).

Pluvia · 02/12/2023 16:29

Lizziebest · 02/12/2023 15:03

I think I'm shocked because in my family anyone who arrives at anytime is offered something and it's considered bad manners if you don't.

Obviously it depends on the time of arrival e.g if arrived close to dinner a drink, nuts, crisps ordered.

After lunch maybe a coffee?

Show quote history

I'm shocked, too, on your behalf. Even if I knew you'd had lunch before coming over I'd offer you tea/ coffee and cake or biscuits — I mean, you're a valued guest in my house and it's my job as host to make sure you are comfortable, not your job to fit in with my bonkers non-eating regime.

This is what hospitality is about, surely? As soon as anyone enters my home, gets their coat off and settles down, the first question after the lovely-to-see-you stuff is 'Now, would you like a drink? Have you had lunch? I can make you a sandwich or toast or there's cake/ biscuits...'

Your in-laws clearly have issues around food anyway but were they brought up by wolves? This is not how you treat guests. Yesterday it was toddlers being starved all afternoon, now it's you who's breastfeeding. I'm stunned.

Sadandhurt23 · 02/12/2023 16:31

I was going to post the same question. We've been to friends houses for drinks but it's been just that, not even a sniff of crisps or nuts. If we ever have people over for drinks, I always offer. little spread of something, I think it's weird not to.

EsmereldaTheThird · 02/12/2023 16:32

What’s with the secret eating on this thread when you’re at the in laws houses? DH and I eat a lot in the morning and don’t normally have anything until 6pm earliest but we don’t expect visitors to do the same. We must be odd as when our children/their partners arrive I’ve always made food so it’s there if they want it. It doesn’t take much to rustle up a sandwich and make a pot of soup. I’d be mortified if anyone was having to hide snacks or food for fear of being judged for eating in front of us.