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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you should feed guests if you've invited them

386 replies

Lizziebest · 02/12/2023 14:52

Visiting in laws today on a planned visit initiated by them. ILs are a bit odd about food and seem to eat tiny portions only in allocated slots e.g don't do lunch but breakfast at 7am and dinner at 6pm with coffees in between. When I've mentioned this being odd in the past they offer the thinnest sandwich I've ever seen so have given up trying to explain I think this is bonkers.

Usually I manage this by eating a lot before going but with a toddler and a baby I didn't eat any breakfast this morning. DH prepared all of the toddlers lunch and I didn't ask him to pack me anything. We arrived at 2. I'm starving. DH doesn't think this is weird and doesn't eat a lot himself but is happy to buy me food before and after. Sorely tempted to eat the left overs from toddlers fruit lunch and snacks.

Is it rude to pop out to the high street eat something and come back.

Aibu to think you feed people who you invite over?

I'm also breastfeeding!!

OP posts:
MyLadyTheKingsMother · 05/12/2023 08:32

I hate people like this. They make you feel greedy for wanting three square meals a day and a couple of snacks.

Your not greedy op your normal. They are not! Go get good and eat!

LolaSmiles · 05/12/2023 08:39

DrMarshaFieldstone
I think some of what we would perceive as disordered eating in the older generation is just a different approach to eating.

OP's in laws sound like they have issues with mealtimes, but I know a lot of older relatives who have a simple approach to food, and tend to follow a similar rhythm each day.

Often they'll have

  • breakfast
  • tea/coffee break or elevenses (if it suits)
  • lunch
  • tea/coffee break mid afternoon (if it suits)
  • dinner
  • supper if still hungry

I seems a little rigid at first glance, but I wouldn't say that's disordered eating. In fact I suspect it's a much more healthy attitude to food than some of the chaotic approaches to food some people have.

The culture of chaotic eating patterns and lots of snacking seems much more disordered to me. eg eating on the go, skipping meals, going to a drive thru because you've not eaten before leaving the house, cramming what you can down you at your desk, eating lots of UPF snacks, not having any rhythm to mealtimes, expecting snacks every 5 seconds, getting annoyed food isn't provided outside of meal times, needing to have a take out cup of coffee at all times. These types of eating behaviours seem to go hand in hand with either a treadmill type lifestyle or a chaotic /chronically busy lifestyle.

Getthethrowonthesofa · 05/12/2023 08:42

Honestly I think you’re as obsessed with food as them. It’s very odd to turn up at someone’s at 2 starving, not having had lunch , knowing them then complain you’ve not been offered food. Quite ill mannered. I also find the excessive amount of food purchased a bit weird , and going into a bedroom to eat it.

but it’s equally odd to seve a cheese sandwich for dinner. I’m not actually sure I believe that. But it’s weird as fuck.

the whole thing is dysfunctional round food, but on all sides.

FinghateXmasThisYr · 05/12/2023 08:45

@MyLadyTheKingsMother · Today 08:32

I hate people like this. They make you feel greedy for wanting three square meals a day and a couple of snacks.

Your not greedy op your normal. They are not! Go get good and eat!'

Wasn't op only visiting at 3pm though? Why would she need a meal then? Surely a cup of tea and acouple of biscuits is fine.

On the other side of the coin it annoys me when grown adults moan on they're hungry all of the time, not eating one of those "square meals" before they leave their house and expecting everyone else to feed them. My DM had a habit of doing this when I was heavily pregnant, I was running around making her lunch as despite arriving in the later paper of lunchtime she had never bloody had it! Conveniently at her own house she is never half as hungry & will sit there with no lunch, and tell me she hasn't got any biscuits in as hasn't been shopping!

WYTrio · 05/12/2023 08:47

This reminds me when we went to my Brother in law once, traffic was bad and we arrived late. We were expecting lunch when we got there, they expected as we arrived late we would have eaten on the way. Just different perspectives.

When we go to our parents we establish beforehand whether we will need anything to eat on arrival.

I think if you were arriving at 2pm it's not unreasonable to have not laid on lunch, or have it available. Not having biscuits is a bit mean, but you needed more than biscuits.

rookiemere · 05/12/2023 08:53

Getthethrowonthesofa · 05/12/2023 08:42

Honestly I think you’re as obsessed with food as them. It’s very odd to turn up at someone’s at 2 starving, not having had lunch , knowing them then complain you’ve not been offered food. Quite ill mannered. I also find the excessive amount of food purchased a bit weird , and going into a bedroom to eat it.

but it’s equally odd to seve a cheese sandwich for dinner. I’m not actually sure I believe that. But it’s weird as fuck.

the whole thing is dysfunctional round food, but on all sides.

And not even having had breakfast!

DrMarshaFieldstone · 05/12/2023 08:55

LolaSmiles · 05/12/2023 08:39

DrMarshaFieldstone
I think some of what we would perceive as disordered eating in the older generation is just a different approach to eating.

OP's in laws sound like they have issues with mealtimes, but I know a lot of older relatives who have a simple approach to food, and tend to follow a similar rhythm each day.

Often they'll have

  • breakfast
  • tea/coffee break or elevenses (if it suits)
  • lunch
  • tea/coffee break mid afternoon (if it suits)
  • dinner
  • supper if still hungry

I seems a little rigid at first glance, but I wouldn't say that's disordered eating. In fact I suspect it's a much more healthy attitude to food than some of the chaotic approaches to food some people have.

The culture of chaotic eating patterns and lots of snacking seems much more disordered to me. eg eating on the go, skipping meals, going to a drive thru because you've not eaten before leaving the house, cramming what you can down you at your desk, eating lots of UPF snacks, not having any rhythm to mealtimes, expecting snacks every 5 seconds, getting annoyed food isn't provided outside of meal times, needing to have a take out cup of coffee at all times. These types of eating behaviours seem to go hand in hand with either a treadmill type lifestyle or a chaotic /chronically busy lifestyle.

That’s three square meals and up to three snacks a day. Of course that is not disordered eating and it is not what I am referring to. It also bears no resemblance to what OP describes of her PIL.

I am referring to the cases on this thread of the MIL who puts out an enormous spread that no-one is allowed to eat, the family who eat nothing all day and then gorge at dinner, the half a biscuit for breakfast or tiny cheese and lettuce sandwich as the main meal of the day. That’s in the last few posts alone.

Getthethrowonthesofa · 05/12/2023 08:59

rookiemere · 05/12/2023 08:53

And not even having had breakfast!

Show quote history

Yes it’s odd, I’m not going to feed myself, but I will then complain if someone else doesn’t feed me, go out, by a lot of crap and then sit on one of their bedrooms and eat in secret. They weren’t even there for long.

and then the In-laws apparently serving cheese sandwiches for dinner. And the op saying she repeatedly has been trying to tell them their eating habits of not having lunch aren’t ok.

so much food obsession.

rookiemere · 05/12/2023 09:13

It's the DH I feel sorry for.

He knows that his DPs aren't amazing hosts so tries to make sure his Dw has breakfast by taking the DCs away, then when she hasn't for whatever reason, he offers to stop at McDonalds.

He then has the embarrassment of his DM refusing food at 2pm and his DW seemingly reverting to a stroppy teen with her bags of rubbishy food and mid afternoon panini.

You'd kind of think in a situation like that you don't want your spouse to feel awkward so you'd eat a muesli bar or something to avoid that situation, not exacerbate it by refusing to eat until 2pm.

LolaSmiles · 05/12/2023 09:53

That’s three square meals and up to three snacks a day. Of course that is not disordered eating and it is not what I am referring to. It also bears no resemblance to what OP describes of her PIL.

I am referring to the cases on this thread of the MIL who puts out an enormous spread that no-one is allowed to eat, the family who eat nothing all day and then gorge at dinner, the half a biscuit for breakfast or tiny cheese and lettuce sandwich as the main meal of the day.That’s in the last few posts alone

Yes I agree with you, the OP's in laws have a very weird approach to food.

I'm not convinced there's any more outliers on disordered eating in the older generation than younger generations though.

There's probably been a group of people I'm every generation who have disordered eating habits. It just looks different.

I think some MN threads about food have quite concerning attitudes to food (both in the denial that portions are getting bigger, food as a way of managing emotions, ascribing moral value to food or refraining from foods, food as a 'treat'). Many of those posters will be the next generation of fussy older people with weird food habits.

DrMarshaFieldstone · 05/12/2023 10:09

LolaSmiles · 05/12/2023 09:53

That’s three square meals and up to three snacks a day. Of course that is not disordered eating and it is not what I am referring to. It also bears no resemblance to what OP describes of her PIL.

I am referring to the cases on this thread of the MIL who puts out an enormous spread that no-one is allowed to eat, the family who eat nothing all day and then gorge at dinner, the half a biscuit for breakfast or tiny cheese and lettuce sandwich as the main meal of the day.That’s in the last few posts alone

Yes I agree with you, the OP's in laws have a very weird approach to food.

I'm not convinced there's any more outliers on disordered eating in the older generation than younger generations though.

There's probably been a group of people I'm every generation who have disordered eating habits. It just looks different.

I think some MN threads about food have quite concerning attitudes to food (both in the denial that portions are getting bigger, food as a way of managing emotions, ascribing moral value to food or refraining from foods, food as a 'treat'). Many of those posters will be the next generation of fussy older people with weird food habits.

If you were to go back to my original comment then you would see that this is exactly the point that I am making.

It is often suggested that there are higher levels of neurodivergence and poor mental health in younger generations than previously. I am suggesting that the levels are exactly as they always were, but that in older generations this is may present as very controlling or disordered behaviour around food, amongst other things. I also think that the diet culture of the mid 20th century onwards has cast a very long shadow. I don't think that many current attitudes to food are any healthier.

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/12/2023 10:23

You are bf

You know you need to eat /snacks

Yet you didn't have breakfast and arriving at 2 so after lunch - yet didn't eat lunch /want to stop for a macd en route

So no I wouldn't expect anyone to feed you at 2 - I would think you have had lunch

Just take snacks next time or least eat breakfast and lunch then won't be starving at 2

7yo7yo · 05/12/2023 10:31

They sound so miserly!
for info op what do you do when they come to yours?

Penguinfeet24 · 05/12/2023 11:54

Good lord, they sound like the biggest uptight nightmares - I wouldn't be going there very often if I could help it!

Meow8928 · 05/12/2023 15:08

This is such a cultural difference between English and ‘non white’ British - doesn’t matter what time it is - you have guests you feed them!

RampantIvy · 05/12/2023 17:09

This is such a cultural difference between English and ‘non white’ British - doesn’t matter what time it is - you have guests you feed them!

Please don't make generalisations like that.

This is the difference between English folk who don't know how to host and those who do. I am English born and bred and I always make guests feel welcome. The kettle goes on as soon as people arrive. I always have something in the house that people can eat, even if it is not a mealtime.

Coolmom81 · 05/12/2023 19:04

I often wonder whether other people consider us “normal” people abnormal. I suppose it’s all down to what you’re brought up with. But that whole visit you’ve just described is WEIRD! The fact that DH told them you hadn’t had breakfast and they still didn’t offer you anything to eat or drink is so bizarre. I’d be rocking up with a Maccy’s and a Starbucks just to make a point. Maybe take a cake with you next time and say “ I thought we could have this with our coffee at 3pm” see what happens.

UsingChangeofName · 05/12/2023 20:17

I agree with what @LolaSmiles said.
Yes, the pattern she describes can be seen as a bit rigid, but I do think it is more normal than some of the chaotic patterns described.
I am often amazed at how much snacking small children are encouraged to do.

Lalalalala555 · 05/12/2023 20:45

Life is full of grey areas.
I think as an adult, it is your responsibility to feed yourself usual meals ie breakfast and lunch.
But equally life happens and there can be really valid reasons why you might not have managed to get those meals in.

They're your in laws. You can ask for food. And also you can source your own.
Either is fine.

I think the only thing is expecting someone to know your needs without stating what they are and asking kindly. That's on you.

Its fair if they do or don't feed you. Obviously nicer if they do. Nicer if of you don't rely on them.

FlipFlop1987 · 06/12/2023 22:36

My in laws are the same. If we get offered a cup of tea I nearly fall off my seat. Probably happened twice in 10 years. On our last visit we made a pack up for our 4 year old, it was the day after her birthday so it wasn’t an unplanned trip, it was also a special occasion. We live 60 miles away so left home 11:45am and got there about 1pm. No offer of anything. DH was starving by 3pm and knowing we wouldn’t be home till 6pm, asked if he could see if there was a sandwich he could throw together. All there was in the fridge was main meal items like big pieces of meat to roast. Who knows what they eat during the day. MIL is overweight if anything. We ended up inhaling a McDonald’s at a service station

sprigatito · 06/12/2023 22:42

@DrMarshaFieldstone I agree with you. Previous generations definitely had a similar incidence of neurodiversity and this often expresses itself through disordered eating and attitudes around control, self-denial etc. Food is such a massive part of human psychology one way or another. If we all understood that a bit better, maybe we could be more tolerant of one another and there would be less shame and fear around eating/weight.

Mrs86 · 06/12/2023 22:48

I'm Asian, if people are coming over to mine they're getting fed, even if it's not meal time, there'll be something I'll rustle up or have made before they arrive. 😂

Maggiethecat · 06/12/2023 23:10

FlipFlop1987 · 06/12/2023 22:36

My in laws are the same. If we get offered a cup of tea I nearly fall off my seat. Probably happened twice in 10 years. On our last visit we made a pack up for our 4 year old, it was the day after her birthday so it wasn’t an unplanned trip, it was also a special occasion. We live 60 miles away so left home 11:45am and got there about 1pm. No offer of anything. DH was starving by 3pm and knowing we wouldn’t be home till 6pm, asked if he could see if there was a sandwich he could throw together. All there was in the fridge was main meal items like big pieces of meat to roast. Who knows what they eat during the day. MIL is overweight if anything. We ended up inhaling a McDonald’s at a service station

@FlipFlop1987 - i’m sorry, but I just cannot fathom it! How can someone be starving in their own parent’s house? Would the dynamic have been different if he was a single man and visited his parents? would he have free access to help himself to whatever was available to eat? Canned fish, cheese? Is it that you must exercise decorum as a married couple?

FGS, you’ve travelled some distance to get to them, and with a young child!
I’m sorry, on my visits to these in laws I would be showing up with my own food, let them gawk!

Maggiethecat · 06/12/2023 23:18

Mrs86 · 06/12/2023 22:48

I'm Asian, if people are coming over to mine they're getting fed, even if it's not meal time, there'll be something I'll rustle up or have made before they arrive. 😂

@Mrs86 - I’m with you on this! Upthread someone suggested that this behaviour was the type expected of British hosts.
I agree that this is a gross generalisation, but at the same time I recognise that food is celebrated in some cultures more than others and that sharing it is often an expression of love and affection.

LBFseBrom · 07/12/2023 00:07

Maggiethecat · 06/12/2023 23:18

@Mrs86 - I’m with you on this! Upthread someone suggested that this behaviour was the type expected of British hosts.
I agree that this is a gross generalisation, but at the same time I recognise that food is celebrated in some cultures more than others and that sharing it is often an expression of love and affection.

Show quote history

I agree with both of you and have always been hospitable, cannot imagine being otherwise. I'm British and didn't realise inhospitality was a British trait! I think it is mean.